I am remiss for not making an entry for so long. I feel like I am moving in

too many directions at one time and can hardly keep up. It’s setting me into

such a quadary as I seek to achieve the things I think I want and need while

I feel allof my security slipping away. With bills looming over my head, I feel

like an impotent child jumping and reaching futily for the box of cookies on

the top shelf that is impossible to get to.

Anyway, I have been working on several projects of little consequence with

the looming monster of the company over me and glaring at me. It has been ignored

and un fed, but finally Jeff seems to be finishing the financials and I might

be able to launch forward with the actual business plan. I have been so focused

on making money happen that I have been worrying about it not being there. Thank

goodness the spirits have been bringing money into my life that has just been

covering expenses. Just.

I also checked out a school I really want to go to that will enhance my business

as well as meet some personal fulfillment. It is the Art Institute of Las Vegas

under the Culinary Program there! It’s a new campus here and it is absolutely

lovely. As usual, money is another issue. I need a 150.00 app fee and then I

need to consider the money needed to catch up my student loan as well.

Yet, I am determined. I need to bring my life back around to something healthier.

Calgone… Calgone??? Oh crap… Someone take me away!

So, what is going on? As usual I am working til late in the evening on the

variety of projects I have taken on in my life. I simply wish they were providing

more money. At least I have been able to be a little more social lately as well.

I have left AIM open for chat more often and my regular peeps include Chippy

(aka R@!) and Nolly (aka Noah).

Anyone knowing this dark circle knows all about Mikey, about Noah, and Chippy.

Recently Noah was involved in a traffic accident involving 6 cars. He said he

was trapped in his car for 6 hours as it lye on its side. He broke his arm and

some ribs. This poor baby, I wanted to cradle him. Noah is a paradox and an

interesting figure that has wandered into my life. When I first met him (on-line

through AIM) I thought he was a spoiled, unenlightened, out-of-touch boy. There

were reasons for this, but I figured out it was built on my own prejudice. Noah

has been through a lot!

He has survived cancer, numerous physical injuries, recent major medical issues

that caused him blackouts and other trauma, and on and on. It’s like there is

a bizarre band of energy around him. He cherishes life so much. He is one of

the most passionate guys I can say I have met because he faces life head on

and embraces every moment of it. If he is afraid of death I would be surprised,

but he does not welcome it for sure.

This has become an entry about Noah so far. I think about him a lot. I think

about my own misconceptions of him. I still do not think I really know him.

Noah is my little prince. He loves and can receive love. He is in love with

his boyfriend Brian who seems like a great guy. He loves Mikey very much and

misses him intensely when he is away. When we talk I feel the love of a potential

friendship and admire his warmth.

In my life, things are still going well with Adolfo. He and I spent a nice

romantic day together yesterday. He works 7 days a week between the Venetian

Canal and Desert Passage in retail. I talked to him for a while yesterday about

his career, but I think he has a good future in retail if he wants it, but he

seems to desire other things? I know a lot of people look down their nose at

retail, but for some people there is a viable career in it. He has been doing

it so long he might as well make it a career. He said something about wanting

to teach, which he has the temperament for, but he is doing nothing to achieve

that?

I did mention Mikey before. Home-boy and I have barely connected since he has

been back from Toronto. He seems to be making another life for him here and

when he moves in with Kevin, Josh, and Christian he may drift further away.

With the rift between GC and I, seems they have chosen to hang with him. Maybe

ol’ dysfunctional GC is on medication and is becoming bearable????? Well, not

enough for me.

I miss Mikey and the boys. I know I have Adolfo, but having a boyfriend does

not replace the company of friends. Maybe Josh, Kev, and Christian never cared

for me that much to begin with? Maybe they were just friends with me because

of the Mikey link? So, who knows. As Mikey drifts away from me who knows who

and what I will be left with in the coming weeks and months.

Oh well, I am not wallowing. Just taking the time to spill out the things in

my brain right now. Cheers!

I’ve been working very hard on a new website the last couple days. It’s a web

site that is for adults only, so forgive me for not sharing. ANyway, it is another

one of my adventures of business that could turn out well or be another never

ending waste of time that sucks the life from my bones and leaves me spent…

sounds nice and dramatic, huh?

So, are you reading my other bloggers here? Click the Listing button up top

there to see blogger postings from some of my homies. If I could ever get Allan

to get his posted, he could join 16 year old Jared, FunkCamLive’s Mikey, and

the mighty Nolly on their postings that I have linked here.

(2 Hours Later)

I started off in a couple directions since I started this entry earlier. I

really do not have any anieties to struggle with at the moment except al the

work I need to get done. I plan on working on the site mentioned above (Action

Hero Network.Com aka anh2x.net) as well as the other new site also mentioned.

I am working very hard and spend so much time daily yest never earning a penny.

I am desperately broke and penniless right at the moment. My car has less than

1/4 tank of gas and I do not have cash to buy groceries at the moment either.

It’s rathger pittiful and I am busily using my entrprenuerial talents to search

for work, but I may even have to sink as low as getting a JOB. Ewww….

Now if you know me I have given up entirely on the world of being a slave for

someone else. I work my ass off for companies and then they kick me to the curb

like yesterday’s garbadge when they are done using me. I guess my point is the

work of the worker is not a truly appreciated one and I hope to have employees

of my own one day. Problem with that idea is that I become the enemy.

Anyway, Mikey and I have not heard from our Angel. This mysterious person has

been an angel to others beside myself. He helped out a few people I know of

and I have no idea if he was really thinking ahead when he did all that. Did

he know he would be out of work? Did he hanve any idea? Did this generousity

bankrupt him and now he is in the very same spot?

There are very few people with the heart and the soul to give to someone else.

Though I would certainly have lost a lot of things I have earned in life if

not for the generous investment of some people. I figured the best way

for me to repay these people was to pass it on to someone else some day. "Pay

it forward" turns into somethng real then, huh?

Now, I do not have a benefactor. Now, all that I have been striving for is

in danger once again. In the last few years I have cleaned up my credit, gained

control over some past taxes I owed, began establishing myself in business,

and now it could all be gone in two weeks time. If I do not make my rent or

my car payment then I will certainly lose all that I have worked for. What about

my business?

Some people have asked me… why not get a job flipping burgers or doing this-or-that.

In effect, they keep bringing up jobs that require a lot of time and little

money. I am a highly skilled person with a great degree of intelligence. Imagine

me standing in some idle job where I am not allowed to use my brain I would

go friggin nuts. On top of that, it is very difficult for me to stand for long

hours on my feet without some nasty back pain. Weel, See my Resume

for yourself.

Anyway, I am hopeful things will turn around. They have in the past.

As you may have seen on the cover page, I am feeling a little distressed. Noah

has been very sweet about it and has tried to be consoling. He said that I helped

him in the past, but I feel like I have been less than helpful. It’s because

Noah talks to me and Mikey talks to me and I cannot relate either conversation

to the other. So when Mikey and Noah are happy with each other or pissed at

each other I get to be Switzerland. They are funny, because one minute they

are feuding and ten minutes later they are passionately in love. Mikey always

glimmers when he talks about Noah which I think is really cute.

As far as my guardian angel is concerned, I have not heard from him at all.

I am very concerned about him personally and hope he s well. Very few people

actually know who my angel is (one actually) … but I wish he would send me

an e-mail and let me know all is well. My angel may be moving to LV, too. LV

is waiting for you baby!

Anyway, I am stressed out and my horoscope told me a couple days ago top be

very careful when talking with friends and family because I may end up pissing

someone off. Well, yesterday I actually got Mikey pissed off at me. I was pissed

at him too. But then again, the whole day yesterday was a mess anyway. Maybe

you saw the diary posting? People kept asking me about this job thing and it

turned out not to be what I expected. I really thought I was going to start

working on Tuesday and that was that… but damn not a thing.

I went to training and I was told that the MASH staff was going to write a

review on me and then I would receive a call eventually. I want to do this because

of the money, but also because I get to help people. I get to help people get

their lives together. It would be a spiritually rewarding position and that

was what I wanted.

Anyway, I think Mikey and I are okay. He came back from Toronto different than

when he left and I have to adjust to the new person. I am invested here in LV

and he is not, this is a temporary stop over for him. As far as Adolfo is concerned,

I got to chill with him too. I kinda railed him last night over not calling

me and he got pissy right back. I guess I am not the only stressed out cookie

in the world? Anyway… talk soon!

The New Job – Follow

up on Previous Entry – My Work – My

Internal Struggle that I am losing….

STOP ASKING ME WHAT TIME I HAVE TO BE AT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not a job. This is not the same kind of hum-drum daily routine work

thing people typically know. This position is not even carved in stone yet because

at MASH Village they are inventing this position. I had my concerns as I went

into it that it would not be enough… or that the position would not live up

to the expectations. Well, I went to the training yesterday and am encouraged…

but the people running the show appear to think that people like me canbe placed

on a meat hook and left to chill while they fart around making no decisions.

Granted, these people have a hard job. Their perspective is probably distorted

because of the element they are immersed in with homeless and not so rational

people. But damn, I am in limbo here. I get to linger off in space while they

decide if and when they are going to call me.

SO! Now I am panicking. I thought I was going to start working full time and

I find that I am in limbo once again. So, I login to AIM this morning and EVERYONE

is asking me when I am leaving for work. Finally, Ihad to shut it off or scream.

No one could know why I was distressed. No one could be blamed except for me.

I am so upset right now!

Last night I was also upset because someone I know lost their job. I was depressed

for a couple of reasons, ya know. Well, will he be okay? This guy has also been

helping to keep my head above water with some $$$ assistance and I felt like

I had a safely net. Well, is my safety net gone? Will I be able to pay rent

at the end of the month?

YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND…. See my diary entry from 2 days

ago. I think if you scroll down you can see it. I was distressed over the question:

what will make me happy…. or in other words what do I need to make me happy?

I also thik it mutated into something else. Well, Gary wrote me back with one

of his usual great replies:

—–Original Message—– From: Gary Beck [mailto:projectra@hotmail.com]

Sent: Tuesday, April 16, 2002 4:07 AM To: actionhero@actionheronetwork.com Subject:

Horoscope Scott, I was a bit perplexed with your diary. Up until Saturday you

seemed to be going great guns and were happy and all that. Yesterday, some of

the stress of starting a new job I’m sure sunk in, but you were back to some

of the previous tendencies of second-guessing yourself and others. I guess my

take on that horoscope was this. Here’s my disclaimer, too. Please don’t be

angry with me for making some judgment calls. This is all based on what I’ve

read over the past couple of years in your diary. Given that, love bug, here

we go. You seem to spend an awful lot of energy focusing on the external. You

definitely have a spiritual side, but all too often the source of true happiness

is crowded out by your desire to have the right look, make money, etc. That

horoscope really struck me that perhaps Scott needs to truly be happy with himself

as himself. Some of these things just keep coming back again and again which

is part of the reason I say this. You need to be happy inside first and foremost.

Once you are, the rest of life is going to fall into place. It’s hard to invite

people into your life when you let the clutter mask everything and hide the

beauty. Hope that wasn’t too much. You know I only want you to be truly happy,

Scott. You have such a beautiful spirit. Let that shine and you’ll attract so

many great things for your life. You know I love you, baby! Good luck on your

first day at work. Gary

This man has the best head on his shoulders!

WHAT ELSE???? Well, I am working on all my prospects. The

reason is that I have issues with finding a real J.O.B.. First of all, there

is little work for my background here. Getting into something has been hard.

There are a lot of entry level jobs here, too. Why not be a waiter? Why not

flip burgers? Well, I do not think I could do these kinds of jobs. Plus, they

pay so little that I stillcould not survive… but then again am I am making

nothing now.

I am working on several projects right now to build my future. I took a step

back and started approaching my business with AHE in a different way. With help

from pal-genius Jeff I might actually make some headway. I am so frustrated

with Allan and his dad right now because they have their own lives going on

and I am not getting any solid business stuff done with them… it’s just a

pain in the ass. I have been working on business plans for this project for

1.5 to 2 years and have made absolutely no headway. We have thrown away money,

as far as I am concerned, with some of these purchases. The only plus is some

of the networking we have been able to do.

AM I DELUDING MYSELF AGAIN??? What the hell am I thinking?

I am grateful that Allan and my New Jersey Angel have had faith in me to help

support me and give me the space I needed to blossom. But what has grown here?

Am I just a weed? Am I to be uprooted and tossed away? Why can’t I achieve and

succeed??? Am I facing another wall? I want to live my dream and I want to work

hard. I do not want to be a slave any more.

And then… when I look at my support network… I feel very alone. Gary (mentioned

above) is a true light. Mikey is a super-duper sweet guy and I feel very lucky

to have him in my life. But, since he got back from Toronto I get this sense

he does not need me anymore. I get this feeling he is so intent on being a free

spirit that our friendship is less important??? Last night he and I went out

and I had so much fun, but it all turned so abruptly. Yes – I was a little lit

on a great frozen cocktail… My friends in Los Angeles have virtually vanished…

except Jeff. My friends in Boston are off in their own worlds. I feel very alone.

I want to be the most I can be. I want to be a meteor and a bright light that

makes a positive effect on someone else in this life. I hope that one day I

can take the positive support I received from people… financially and emotionally…

and pass it on to someone in a generation behind me. Someone like Jared (Syko-Boy)

who is so young right now and I want to see successful.

I am a climbed who makes some strides forward and slides back. I am a climber

who may have chose a Teflon surface? Have I chosen an impossible path? Will

I ever know where I need to go????? Is there any joy or security left for me

in the world?

No… seriously.

God, I am depressed tonight.

Frustration. Stress. Tension. Anxiety. Nerves. Sadness. Thought…

Everything in the previous sentence are words applying to the moment. I want

to cry, but I can’t. There is so much going on in my life and I think that today

I started seeing the limits again. It’s time for the walls to expand a little

and make more room. I run into walls some times, but the idea is to learn how

to make the space more able to expand and hold it all together. My walls are

flexible… some times it takes a while to stretch.

So… no need to go into all the things that are happening. They are all contained

in these diary pages already. Needless to say that tomorrow I start the new

job and I uncertain what that will bring. I have had no money coming in for

so long and I am borrowing out the wazzooo to get by. I am seeing Adolfo still

and that is going well. Yesterday we had a nice evening out and tonight we seemed

to engine parts moving at different speeds, this is why I think I am starting

to hit my walls.

This week I started asking myself …what will make me happy? What elements

need to be present to make me happy? Ironically, my horoscope today on Yahoo.Com

presented me with the following:

Capricorn Horoscope (by astrocenter.com) You may be driving yourself crazy

by trying to be someone who you are not, dear Capricorn. Perhaps you were inspired

a long time ago to do something or be someone specific. The reality has finally

hit that this is not what you are fated to do or become. Dealing with the truth

of the situation may be difficult for you to handle. Perhaps your whole self-identity

was wrapped up in this particular concept. You must now rebuild the structure

of who you are. It is better to do it now rather than later.

What does that mean and what the hell??? I started this whole "What do

I need to make me happy?" thing starting on Saturday and feel like it is

something I need to be doing right now. Adolfo would not understand it, but

this may be a whole ‘white-boy’ thing with issues of anxiety and stress. I know

we have this tendency to fixate on things that are not so really important.

Somehow, this question seems to be very important to me right now.

If I look at the horoscope entry in itself I would ask what path am I on that

is not right for me? Honestly, I have been thinking about moving away from Technology

Support and being the slave of so many people. I deeply desire to begin a business

operation and have been pouring a lot of time into a project here in Las Vegas.

In fact, it was the reason I moved here.

These can take flight, but I wonder if the fruits of my work will ever come

to fruition. I wonder if they will turn into what I hope they will. I have worked

so long and hard on this only to be felled by people and new walls that I hurdle

as much as I can. I can jump pretty high if forced to.

I went to the Dahan Institute to see about starting classes in Message Therapy

which would be a 7 month program starting on May 25th. I also am looking at

a Culinary Arts Degree at UNLV. I wanted to do a more tactile type of work in

the future and these can help me do that. Right now I am working several enterprises

to earn money and not a damn one is working! Maybe that is what the Horoscope

is all about, huh?

Well, crap. Who knows? Gary – do you know? Floyd??? Mikey??? Momma???

Well, wish me luck tomorrow. I am off on another new adventure.

Here is a pic from the web cam of me and Adolfo. I realize that in the last

few weeks I have been jumping around man to man. I also made this great decision

that I was in no place for a boyfreind right now as well. I suppose that means

I have been all over the map? God’s honest truth is I do not neccessarily knopw

what I want. For that matter, I think a lot of people have no clue at all what

the fuck they want in the first place. Yes, I still think men suck. When it

comes to relationships men are the worst creatures.

Adolfo and I met in Long Beach, California back in 1994. We were both out at

Ripples (a gay dance club on the beach there), and as I recall I had to do a

lot of chasing around for him. Anyway, we dated a while I think. Something like

3 or 4 months. I think we did a lot of things together. We went to Disneyland

(anything Disney I love!) and we went to visit my mom for Thanksgiving. I know

we even spent Christmas that year together, ya know. How do I know all this???

Well, in one of my oldest photo albums contains all those memories. I had to

ask him about what the hell happened to us? Why did we stop seeing each other?

Well, as it turns out we seemed to have glided away from each other and stopped

calling each other. I thought he was not really interested in me and he was

unsure of where I stood at the time as well. Makes sence, if you think about

it, because neither of us were talking about these things with each other. Another

problem is that I have NO memory of the past… that is much of my history is

pretty blank. I cannto explain this… except some experimenting between the

ages of 16 and 17 that may still be causing some…. deterioration.

As it turned out, I moved to Boston in 1996 and about the same time Adolfo

moved to Las Vegas. So, Jeffy-Jeff and I were shopping at Desert Passage and

as we were strolling past one of the shops I noticed one fine looking boy. I

noticed one fine looking ass. Yeah baby! THEN he turned arouns and the looks

of recognistion were registering. Could I remeber his name? No… Yet he could

instantly recall everything about me. I tell you, my brain is fried.

It took a while for us to connect. I went through Hector and some other guy

in the interim and since then Adolfo and I have been spending a lot of time

together. He is originally from El Savadore and and is nearly my age. He is

close to his family and is really laid back which I dig. I was able to tell

him some of my darlest secrets which makes him a keeper.

On another note… I am working on the business stuff again and will be preparing

for next week. The new YOB starts next week and I am anticipating all the way!

Cheers!

It’s been just a few days since I made an entry in my diary. A few things have

happened since then. Mostly, I have been missing Mikey. Mikey was supposed to

be coming home today and he got stuck in Canada because of our bizarre border

laws. I know there are reasons for these rules, but give me a break. This is

a country that will let terrorists in but not loopy Canadians!

Anyhoo, Saturday I was chased into the WAL Mart parking lot by a nice woman

who said I should be modeling. She invited me to a "model search"

and I went. It’s a decent looking enough organization, but the whole thing was

a dog and pony show to show their website www.optionstalent.com where models

can be listed and searched through their data base. It’s a good idea. They put

on a big show and I guess myself and a few other people there kinda stood out…

not, my ego is in check. I know I am not a greek god or anything like that.

But, I photograph well and I am in the process of loosing weight. So, it is

coming together.

Anyway, I like what they are offering. I would like to list myself on the site

and see what work I can do from it. It would cost 800.00 and they want payment

this week. What I do not like is this whole salesman stroke… Sales people

are such scum and you can tell they hired professional sales people to call

clients after the introduction. I got this clown named Mark over there giving

me the whole shmooze and trying to work another client. You would have loved

to listen to this. He used all the tricks including saying there was a limited

time to take this great offer and not to mention all the pseudo approval process

for ‘my look’. (I am rolling my eyes big time)…

Yes, I would like to go for it. I called the Ford and Wilhelmina modeling agencies

today and they both heard of Options. Ford never uses their models and Wilhelmina

used one once. Well, these are the cream of modeling agencies and figure this

is still a good sign. Ford’s website is awesome and – for sure – they do not

need Options.

What else happened????

Well, if you have been reading these entries, then you know about Hector? If

not, read back. Well, there is the guy I ran into recently whom I used to date

about 8 years ago in Los Angeles. Actually, he lived in Whittier, California

when we dated and something happened where we drifted apart. I do not recall

what that was and I had to ask him.

This guy is named Adolfo and I was shopping at the Desert Passage with friend

Jeff who was visiting on a long weekend. I dated Adolfo in 1994 for a couple

months and it was going pretty well. Somehow we ended up not really breaking

up so much as drifting apart and just did not call each other at some point.

He is just the type I am attracted to. He is petite, mexi, uncut, a great kisser,

and more. He is very affectionate if not a little on the codependent side. BUT,

a very sweet guy.

He stayed over the last couple nights and hung out. How great was that? Anyway…

it’s all good. It makes me think the Hector thing was a lesson learned before

I could get it together with Adolfo. Way cool.

That was three big things. I am feeling very upset over Mikey right now and

am happy that I am doing other things, though. I tell you, I want to take a

chance at good opportunities here. I wish that have the money for the Options

website, but may need to wait or pass. I do not have the money right now. I

would love to get some liposuction to knock off that little weight I am holding

onto too! Well, I will hear about payment methods on Thursday night.

Oh, and next Tuesday my other job starts too. I got a call this morning confirming

it and I get to pop off to Boulder City for training. I am so totally excited.

This is also going to be cool as well.

Oh, my 16 year old stud puppy is now posting on UrielsLantern. So… click

the HOME button up top and see his postings! He’s a brilliant guy!