Before my sleeping pill starts kicking in, I better get this written. About last night’s entry about Adolfo. I got a couple comments in e-mail about it already and I want to continue. You see, this year I did some inner relfection and realized that I spent a lot of time focused on the future I thought I was headed for or for the future I expect to see in my life. In other words, I have spent most of the last year focused on my business plan and building a life for myself independant of corporate slavery that I was ignoring other commitments and realities such as the fact that I may need a job.

As a foot note: I have managed to survive well enough that my bills (for the most part) are paid and current. Month to month I seem to survive as I keep my head securely in the clouds.

Anyway, in my inner relection I was holding off finding a j.o.b. while I pursuited various contract jobs and some of them were painfully aweful! Imagine I started doing work that was torchurous and lasted a short time than a long and drug out inner death. These short jobs (with the exception of MASH), were horrible but they managed to pay quite well. Thank God! Or goddess (right Gary?).

Regarding Adolfo I have had these wonderful fantasies in my head. Strangely enough these were many of the same fantasies I had with Brian. I have a different level of respect and love with Adolfo though. You were right when you wrote me and told me you thought Adolfo loved me even though you never met him. My fantasies involved us going on vacation together in October and having a wonderful time in spite of the fact he told me that he does not “want” to travel. Naturally, I expect as soon as he does travel that he will change his mind… right?

Well, you can see one delusion. But, to be honest, I would marry him tomorrow if I could. I want us to live together so as we can sleep together every night, wake up together to have coffee, kiss each other before going out for the day, etc…… It seemed to come all crashing down around me on Sunday. Here we were driving off to see XXX at the Sam’s Town Casino and I had a meltdown. I started ballin’ like crazy and I could not let him in on it. I told Adolfo it was not him, but it was true because it was all me. I had a mental construct of what we were and where we were going and now I became aware that it may have been all a misperception….

In the end… I saw Adolfo feeling broken because he thought I was breaking up with him last night. I am uncertain how to repsond to some situations because in my sorted, jaded life I suspect everyone of using emotion to manipulate. I have suspected in the past he used his tears to get his way or to break a bad situation between us? Not this time. Somehow he may have actually misunderstood that I was breaking up. He was in a ball on the floor of his apartment crying so hard I could not understand a word he was saying.

I know we need therapy. He told me he was screwed up and apologized for it. Well, news is we are both screwed up and that is reality. Both of us have the burn marks of many past failed encounters and relationships that left us as insecure and lonely people who want love, but do not know how to live it out. It means we have to learn the best ways to love and accept love. …I guess.

Life marches on. I am going to have dinner with him tomorrow. In our conversations Adolfo told me one of the conditions of us living together is that I have to start using fabric softener. I never use it because of a couple reasons… primarily it kills the absorbancy of towels, it’s an extra cost, and it’s flammable in some cases. I plan on bringin him a red rose in a bottle of Downey tomorrow. What do you think of that? Ha ha ha…

Since my last submission, I am nearly 100% healed. My ASS is working perfectly now and no more limping. My toe is nearly to it’s natural color as well. If I am not careful, I may be ahealthy person soon. It is unfortunate I have been unable to make it to the gym with my commitments as well. This new schedule is hard. I took a part time job and I have been working somewhat often. PLUS I have been having to maintain my relationship with Adolfo.

This situation has been precarious lately. It makes me unsettled. We know we love each other, but sometimes you would think we just met yesterday???? Friday evening I picked Adolfo up from work. On the way to his house for a change of clothes, he informed me there was NO WAY he would be able to go on a short vacation with me in October. He is still in probation for his Bellagio job… which is cool… BUT he has not asked to see if it was possible to lose 3 days of work. Grrrrrrrrr! I know he hasn’t. I understand, but at the same time I do not understand. This is my only time I can seriously travel with him and relax because this is a school break.

For a while now I have been trying to work out a plan to take Adolfo to Disneyworld for 4 days. I figure I can work it out so we pay (together) less than 100$ for the entire trip! Well, the point is that I might as well step back and piss all over that idea. The evening went sour fast and Adolfo walked out on me. I did nto talk to him… cold silence! I went to bed ahead of him and when he did not show up I went into the living room telling Adolfo to get to bed. He suggested he leave and I told him it was up to him… (sound familiar Allan?)

Anyway, he decided he would leave and I heard the door slam. That bitch walked out on me! I put on my pajamas and went running out after him… stopped in the street and were yelling at each other. He decided he wanted to leave again and walked away. I am running up the street after him and COW to his bitchings before we walk abck. Suddenly he is crying all over and we sleep… in the mornig there was great sex to follow… anyway…

Saturday… we planned on dinner after both of us got off work. We ended up eating out at Super Mex and then off to bed with more sex… blah blah blah

NOW SUNDAY… today… I realized after work today that while we were on the way to the movies to see xXx… Adolfo said something that made me wonder if I have been duluding myself in a major way. Recently I went through a process of self analysis where I saw that my head was always in the future and not in the present… I realized I was causing myself a lot of harm by looking to the future instead of being mindful of the present. Anyway, he said something that landed right on that nerve and suddenly I was crying like a baby! It fucked up the whole night I tell you. I reviewd all the things that was in my head:

– Living Together

– Going on a Vacation

– Etc…

Well, I told him I was going to back off a bit. I wanted to know exactly what he was committed to in this relationship.. blah blah blah. So, I left thinking it was all cool. But I had this nagging feeling. SO I called Adolfo and he was crying so hard I could barly understand. I ended up going over there seeing him balled up on the floor in the dark because he thought I was breaking up with him.

Argh! I had to explain and explain. I wanted him committed and I realized that I have been deluding myself on too much lately. …

Oh crap… my sleeping pill is kicking in… I am off to bed…

I need sympathy. Well, I really need some help. I feel like one of those pathetic, sad, destraught people who can barely function. You see, Friday night while I was in San Francisco I hurt something and since then it has gradually become worse. I thought I pulled a muscle? This morning I started to realize it was more like a pinched nerve? Now, I am wondering even more??? Could this be a hernia? Or could it have started as one of the above and then became something else? Argh… every move I make now it hurts like HELL!

I felt a muscle that seemed to start at the top of my right glute or near the base of my tail bone that hurt like hell but I was dealing with it. It gradually got worse here and there, but with the miracle of drugs, it was tollerabel. Finally as of this morning it became intollerable. I cannot pic anything up off the floor or move very easily. School this morning was painful and getting around today was a bitch x 10.

Oh yeah, I mentioned I was in San Francisco. Friday night I was on another plane to another destination. I went to SFO for another carefree weekend of sin and delight. Yes, again without Adolfo, but I wished he was there. I’ll discuss that leter. Back to me…

Stayed at the Sir Francis Drake which is a hoity toity hotel on Powell and paid 500/night for a closet bedroom and a nice living area we barely used. The room was nice, I admit, and was centrally located to all the important shit. On Friday night we had dinner at the Scala Italian Restaurant in the first level of the Drake and had a fabulous meal done by a talented chef. Our waiter was super and dinner was super. We had to wait an hour to be seated without a reservation, so we went up to the Starlight Room in the tower of the Drake which is supposed to be -all that. Well, if you ask me it was none of that! It sucked. Dinner was a great reward for patience though.

Saturday we took out Lexus silver convertable sports car (fancy with satallite and a silky voice that talked to us) and went shopping. That was totally cool! We found a cute breakfast place at Powell and Sutter called Roxanne’s Cafe. Lunch was a hot dog at Target in Redwood City. BUT Dinner was a lovely lovely place called La Folie on Russian Hill in the city where we had champaigne with a four course meal. I cannot recall having such a wonderful meal! I had this filet mignon with duck liver and a lovely sauce over it. Later, we went to see Mama Mia and WOW the evening was complete! Oh my god this was so so so so so so so so so so fun.

Sunday was cool, too. We had plans on going to Napa, but did not make it. We ended up checking out China Town and then Japan Town for some last minute shopping. I wanted to get to the culinary strores and find some neat stuff. I came away with a couple cutters for garnishes that are totally cool and I found a cute gift for Adolfo. I got him a panda bear with a jade ring hidden in the pocket.

WHO did I go with? Why wasn’t Adolfo there? What is the deal??? Well, the trip was part business and part work… in essance this guy hired me to help him with some things and along the way I get to tag along for a lot of fun. I set up his trip and tickets in SFO… blah blah blah. Adolfo knows everything and it is all good and innocent.

Adolfo’s schedule does not really allow him to travel like me. I have been very fortunate recently and count my blessings! As I reported in my previous entry, Adolfo was asking for a “break” with us. When I came back we talked and I know he loves me a lot. On occasion he might need space and I will give it to him whatever. He works too much and works very hard in some menial jobs that do not offer much nthe way of rewards. That Sunday night we had the BEST sex (love making)!

So tonight, we had dinner out and it was really nice. We visited Paula at the MGM Buffett and ate too much. I gimped around and limped, moaned, and piddled about effectively pathetic looking. Sitting down, getting up, moving around… damn it hurts! He was quiet and seemed so unhappy, much as he appears in a lot of those pictures, and people keep telling me. You guys do not see the moments he really seems happy, because Adolfo practically glows! He is so loving and sweet some times.

Would you believe I have told him I would marry him tomorrow if we could. I love Adolfo more thatn anything and though I might have thought this way before, I can say it is how I feel now. I know when I was with Brian, I was so incredibly certain that Brian and I would be together forever. Adolfo is different and the respect I feel from him is better and stronger. I can also be honest with Adolfo about myself more than anyone and it feels good.

Oh well. I have been praddling on too long. Looks like I am going to saty home on Wednesday to try and feel better. I do not have medical insurance and need to get in touch with the VA to see a doctor. This whole thing is starting to get unnerving. Oh well…

I am writing after having gone to bed. I got back up because I am too wound up to sleep. So, I have some tea on the stove waiting to brew and a nibble of cranberry -orange bread waiting to go with it. This has been a tough week and it is only Tuesday. The biggest thing is that this week is Midterms in school already. Monday I have a class called Sanitation, which is all about being clean nad keep ing your kitchen clean. The test was relatively simple. Today Chef tested us on Chapter 7 of our books, but reviewed the chapters for the Midterm on Thursday. I am still clueless about what will happen tomorrow, but we will probably be tested on cutting techniques.

I also started a new part time job at a local Culinary Store. Turns out I am really working part time… really really part time. My next night on duty is a week from Thursday. Jinkies! The job is realatively simple and I thnk it will be cool. I can get some neat stuff at a bigger discount for working there.

Adolfo and I started a distressed dialog when I rrturned from Bangkok. He said he was feeling very jelous and dustressed about his own feelings about our relationship. When I asked him if he loved me he did not answer me, but he said it later on when we were talking. I think he is trying to swollow the lives we have and attempting to make sense of it. My taking off to Bangkok suddenly was no thrill for him. He babysat for me the whole week. When I came home a freind of mine named Ritcci picked me up and came inside… well, Adolfo really really does not like Ritcci for no reason I can decern. Adolfo freaked out and went home abruptly and we argued that night until somethhng like 3 am in the morning. That and these suden trips have sorta sent him into a frenzy and Adolfo asked me today to let him have some time to himself. That is, Adolfo is asking for a pause in the relationship while he works out his feelings. I support him on this decision 100% and hope we will be fine. He said he might need a week or so?

I asked Adolfo to get a mentor or someone who has their head on their shoulders. He needs someone who is good with relationships and he said he found a phychologist friend he will see… so I hope all is well. One thing I value about him is that I have been able to be 100% honest with him since we started dating again.

I started to fall asleep tonight. I started dreaming about some of the people in my Culinary class who asked me where my new cell phone was at and I panicked. I startled me so much I sprang up out of bed. You know the phone I am taolking about???? The new $500 cell phone I got. I am so paranoid about it now! I fear I will drop it out the window when I am driving somewhere! I fear that someone will run up to the car and steal it while I am talking! What the hell is wrong with me????

Yes… I am mental

Now that all that is clear. I am off to SFO this weekend. I got an e-mail from an old buddy in Boston today asking me HOW I went from begging for money on my wb site to International Man of Travel/Mystery. I did not really answer him, but then again it’s really my business. I’ve been very lucky in my life and I will simply say I got lucky once more. I met a friend who likes to travel and values some advice I gave him and he finds my company to be an asset and has taken care of me in that area. That’s all I can say about it.

Financially I am barley swinging vine to vine to keep ahead. I got the cool cell phone, but that was a gift so piss off snooty bitch. Ha ha ha… I could just hear a couple people I know folding their arms in judgement. Get over it.

Want to see my cell phone???? The link is in the previous mail entry. Go look yourself.

Ugh, I need to go to bed and sleep because I have to get up at 5:30 to get ready for school. I wear my uniform almost every day and if you want to see me in it check out the Recipes link to the left there. Gradually I will add things to it. I decided to write this tonight hoping to hopefully expell all thee things inside that are making me really anxious tonight. I am so frustrated with things in general and have been working very hard on keeping my head above water.

I was thinking about Brian today too. When I got Rick’s e-mail I realized I have not heard from Brian in a long while. I hope he is well. (Heavy Sigh) Maybe you know how long I carried the torch for him? Those are in the old old old diaries.

Goodnight peeps!

What a day? I feel that I should have endless money available for myself and that if anyone looks at me cross eyed I get to kick their ass. Wouldn’t that be the best!?!?!?!

Today was a mixture of surprises and defeats. Yet I am here while Adolfo is sleeping pleasantly sleeping in the very next room. I think I have a cold. And it did not seem to come to fruition until some time this afternoon. So, I just bought some Tylenol Cold from WALMart and popped a couple pills and am waiting for it to kick in. Meanwhile, I am continuing to sip tea and honey.

Today started off quite well! A guardian angel got me a new cell phone as a gift. I cannot say much about this, but only that it is from a very nice person whom I like and he appreciates me, blah blah blah. http://www.samsungelectronics.com/mobile_phone/ads_awards/trade_shows/images/I300_with_menu.jpg …This is the Samsung SPH-I300 of which I have carried a picture of since almost a year ago at COMDEX in 2001. Now I ahve one and love it to pieces!!!! It’s pretty!!!

So, I got the new phone all configured and connected to my laptop Outlook and now I am a mobile master! I am m-Life, or whatever you want to call it. I did have to call SprintPCS 4 times to get one of those fucking idiots to complete the job of getting the durn thing running. Damn, phone reps are morons! Grrr…

I had an interview for a job today, too. A retail store in the Aladdin’s desert passage for a part time job. They called me almost right away to tell me that I was being offered the job. So, I decided to take it while I continue with school and looking for some additional job stuff.

Anyway, when I was going to Sprint Store to get the phone activated (it was closed) I went to the gym after and realized Ileft all my gym crap in the apartment. Irritated and throwing a hissy fit, I decided to pop over to the mechanic to get the brakes looked at. $250 later I was limping out. But, my phone was working by the time I left.

I am all over the board here tonight, maybe the drugs are starting to finally take effect! So, we went to see a show at the Venetian tonight, called Feel the Passion. It should have been named something else, but I cannot go there right now. They were all over the board for sure!!!!! It was a collection of different performers and all of them were talented to a degree, but it was hardly better than anything a high school cast could have thrown together. But some cuter performers, for sure!

Talk soon..

It’s later… 11pm… and I just finished loading files on the server for my new site design. I made a lot of changes and deleted a lot of crap at the same time. Boy, this server gave me a hard time!

Anyway, there has been a lot happening and I have been neglecting this diary as usual so I will try and get back to it. I think it might make me feel better. I find this diary theraputic some times. Like, school is getting me edgy and not working out as often. The traveling I did threw me off a bit… but in the end it might be good.

Anyway again… I will talk more soon!

Test #2

I am realizing that I feel and think about some things different lately. I am constantly under pressure to make ends meet and find myself coming up short a lot. I hope life does not continue this way until the day I drop dead???? I’m at heart attack age and damn I should have had one already. As you may or may not have read, I am under the gun to make a big debt right now. It’s not huge, but $6000.00 is a lot to someone like me. On the other hand, as fast as money comes in (no matter what amount) there always seems to be someone (some company) with their hand out.

I am no different than anyone out there. I see people around me in all directions who seem to have a better grip than I do. Truth is I can take care of these debts, but my strategy is falling on deaf ears. I caulculated a loan for the whole project I want to pay off as $12,000.00 to pay off my “big debt” with 2 smaller debts and I can pay it back. My smaller debts include paying off my pick-up truck as well therefore my debt will be on big one. Consequently this will clear up 2 big items on my credit bureau.

I have been doing some relfection as well. I am always doing that, ya know. My head has always been in the future. My head is always at what is coming. I alm always anticipating the future where my life will be better. You must understand what that means. It is the distince opposite of what a person “stuck in the past” is. You know what I mean, that person who still listens to music from the 60’s and is still wearing the tye die shirts and love beads with Birkenstocks. No, I am not wearing a silver suit or anything like that!

You see… I have heard from horoscopes to psychics to visions that I was going to be wealthy in my later years. YEAH YEAH YEAH I am not the might Kreskin (however you spell it). It just seemed so logical that I am spending the first half of my life in financial chaos, but I am learning from my mistakes. I am also learning about what not to repeat. the truth is I learned a lot of my finances from my mom who never learned how to manage her money at all. I worry for her as she nears retirement. At this pace I will never have a secure future for myself or the person I love.

I have some issues about my parents too, that I think I will discuss tomorrow. But the point of this entry is that I am losing the battle and just a week ago I was so upset I thought I would be completely ruined over it. I need to do something more solid in my life and here I am at 37 ywears old and I still do not have my shit together. I told Adolfo last week that there is the possibil;ity I may never be able t provide the way I want to and that I may never be a good, secure boyfriend and he did not seem fased. Love is blind, isn’t it?

My only hope to get this done is to find an Angel and mentor. My parents can’t be bothered. Allan, my rose colored glass wearing biz partner, is constantly supporting my delusions. He can’t help either. I am still trying.

So, finances are what has been bothering me for a while. Sorry to sound so fucking boring.

So…. well, it has been a while since i wrote in my diary. I have barely paid

any attention to anybody as well. What a selfish, no good bastard I am! I have

been keeping very busy with the new job, dating Adolfo, and trying to keep life

somewhat normal here. In my work I am amazed I am managing to meet my bills

as they are and I still have one nasty debt hanging over my herad with no solution

what-so-ever. That mess is detailed in the financial section.

Oh yeah, I am working on getting into school! I am registered for school at

the Las Vegas Institute of Art for their Culinary Program. It starts in July

and I am so stoked! I was there last night to take care of paperwork and I heard

how the new head-chef is a freind to Emeril. That makes me hopeful that Emeril

will come to the school one day while I am there.

And, I am also looking for a second job. I found something that I really want,

too. This MASH Village gig may be ending by September because of a variety of

reasons. Less obvious and most effecting the problems are the fact that the

city of Las Vegas has been very hostile toward the homeless population. Father

Joe is based out of San Diego and is pulling his funding on these projects.

That means the pieces of this show are going to close down. Starting this month

the Medical Clinic closes and I might have to say goodbye to a cutie that works

there named Rich.

There are 3 cute guys that work there. I came out to the cutest one today because

we were chatting and he kept asking about my "girlfreind". I said…

you assume too much. We laughed. He seemed cool. He is leaving on Friday as

his last day and moving on to new roads. ho-humm! I mentioned Rich already.

He is this Goth looking boy who is skinny and tall, black hair, pale lean features,

and big feet (you know what that means). Finally, there is a cute latino boy

but he and I do not interact much. Rich is the most interesting of them, anyway,

but I am having fun.

About Adolfo… he is great. He accepts me for all my faults which includes

this obnoxious way of looking at other men. I hate doing it, but damn when cute

boys are around I act like a moron distracted by shiney objects. He has been

very tolerant and sweet. He even pokes fun at me. We have been dating just over

2 months and this last weekend he and I went to visit parents. We spent Friday

at my mom’s and then Saturday and Sunday at his family. I will try and write

more about it later on.

Thanks for checking things out.

I have not made very many serious diary entries in a while. Probably because

I have been so wound up in life here in Las Vegas. I keep trying to do ALL the

things I think I should SHOULD be doing and in the end end up doing only a small

amount of what actually needed to be done. See, last weekend I divorced myself

from a lot of people and things in order to finish a few things. Write the personal

plan found on this site for myself. It was also intended to go to the bank

as I try applying for a loan.

Well, that weekend I had some other things that needed to be done as well,

so you can imagine I was very busy. I even had to Adolfo I needed to work and

could not hang out with him. This included friends in the world I would talk

to.

Well, Monday I found out that my hopes of getting a loan for the project were

slim to none because of the nature of the debts I wanted to pay. I am staring

at the end of the month with this IRS debt and all the other normal bills baring

down on me. Geez, an unexpected bill will kill me. So far things look good for

rent and the usual things. I still need to take care of this IRS as the top

priority.

Enough of the depressing shit. I sit around and whine about so much bullshit

and am generally an unhappy person. Not that I do not want to be, I really want

to be happy, but I have doing this depressing mopey shit for so long I do not

know how to be any different now. For me it’s all money related. Who gives a

damn anymore about have ing a befriend, lover, whatever anymore. I really want

to settle my financial situation. I want some financial security instead of

this near-financial-death experience.

Yes, Adolfo and I are still together and dating. He routinely gets up my nose

lately over his issues of insecurity and his communication problems. I am perfect,

huh? Well, I do love him very much. I really do. The thing is every time I have

to deal with some melodrama I feel a little less love. I feel like I am being

pushed away from him at times. It makes me feel upset inside because I am investing

into this person. It’s been a while (not since Brian) that I felt these things

inside.

A couple weeks ago I went to se Spiderman with Mikey (the day it came out)

and I knew Adolfo wanted to see it too. So, I went with Mikey and did nt tell

Adolfo. Adolfo and I had a special evening on the following Sunday which included

seeing Spiderman. I admitted afterward that I went to see it with Mikey afterward

and that caused drama for 2 plus days! The latest issue is similar as I went

to see Star Wars with Mikey and now Adolfo is mad because I went without him.

He tells me "I do not want to see it". Oi vay!

For the last month plus I have been seeing pictures of Natalie Portman and

the entire cast of the movie in his apartment from any magazine that published

Star Wars news. I thought it was okay to see SW with mikey, but apparently not.

I guess I learned my lesson now!

Well, I have to bare down and refocus. I hope I am doing everything right,

because I feel like and am blindfolded and running through a forest. I am coming

away with a lot of bruises!

This diary entry seemed to ramble a bit. I was a little bit all over the place,

huh? Well, I am just trying to be successful. Am I right or wrong?

     Dear lord I have been busy. Today I had a couple meetings.

The first one I ended up blowing off with COX Cable about buying advirtising

space. Like I need that right now. Then I had to be at MASH Village in oder

to hear about a new peoject I am taking on where I will be conducting training

and follow up with people who are homeless and such. I am very excited this

finally came up. Tomorrow, I have another meeting over there and a Toastmasters

meeting, both of which I needed written material prepared for it. So I spent

my evening working on those things.

    If you made it here through UrielsLantern.Com, then you

see some of the cosmetic changes and some new additions. Wonder why I am stressed?

I too this deal on as well.

    Anyway, I am making a quick entry as I feel myyself sloly

submerging into unconsciousness and a need to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to

be a busy day, too!

Love Ya!