https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ni2azXRnyb8

I went back to the gym Tuesday after the shootings. It was hard, for some of it, because I could feel how wobbly my knees were walking in. I kept looking around for people who ‘should’ have been there and weren’t. I mean staff and patrons who I usually see when I am there. 

I am getting much better and watching this video got me a little choked up, but I’m going to walk through this and try and be stronger after. The events that happened were horrible and I still want to know why – so badly. My brain wants to make sense of this and I am not going to put up with people sayin stupid shit and rumors that are just lies. 

Tuesday an older white man at the gym was talking all kinds of shit about the things ‘he heard’ and I asked him to not talk about things he doesn’t know about and not to talk shit about the guy who was killed, named Edgar. People ruin things. This guy called me an asshole in the end and I just walked away. All I asked him to do was not talk about what he doesn’t know. 

Mental Health is a curious thing, because so many people have to deal with it every day. Some people are not dealing with it, that is another whole bag of bees. Being open and honest about it will eventually help someone else. Being sensitive to the shit other people are struggling with is also a wonderful and kind thing. There are times when people want to drag me into their own shit and I am a hard-no on that. It’s all about balance. 

I started taking a new med for Anxiety call Buspirone which has been targeting my issues like a laser beam, along with some other things, has helped a lot with my panic attacks and little freakouts. “Fight or Flight” is a big thing with anxiety at my level, to a debilitating point. While on the meds it is as if very little triggers me, not does it make me drowsy or anything like that. I take it eveery 7 hours-ish, 3x/day and it works. 

I get headaches around med time and if I am late, I can feel it physically. Another side is that my tolerance for crowded spaces is not very good at all. I can medicate myself into a place and hang for a while, but I over-did it on Friday and paid for it the next day. When I told a good friend about it he sent me the shitiest message about how it’s all in my head. blink-blink-blink… he later messaged me and apologized. But, that’s how people often see other people with their issues. He self medicates with a shit-ton of pot and that’s not my thing. 

Okay, just wanted to write something… 

There are those of us who cringe at the idea of going to bed. It’s a great reward for a lot of people who work hard every day and look forward to those hours of sweet, sweet dreams. Not me. My nights are more often than not like sleeping with my high school bully (and not in the good way). Yeah, today was an example of that. 

Today’s stage is brought to you by my loving partner who needed me to take him to the airport this morning at 5am. I am (and was) happy to do that. I crawled back into bed when I got home, but it was hard falling asleep. Insomnia is a relatively new monster, but I did at some point manage to drift off. And here is how it went…

The Dream

We were in our home (I think my partner and I) and I was trying to cook. A guy came in and kept trying to knock me over. He was a good looking Hispanic dude (like right out of East L.A., he reminded me a lot of a guy I know [Raul]). Eventually he stopped, but thought he was freakin’ funny. 

Next, I remember us in our car driving to the hospital for some reason. I was driving and we were on a narrow road that was dirt and a single lane and a woman in a white pickup was trying to beat me on the road and trying to force me off the road. It was a short segment. 

We arrived at a hospital and were on the 6th floor with my partner, Archer (my dog) and a second big dog that was black or dark gray. My partner and I went to the elevator and left the dogs on the 6th floor. We called the elevator and it did not come. A FedEx driver came over, waved his badge and the elevator came right away. 

If something happened in between I have no idea. But, me and my partner were in the elevator and it was the size of a bedroom. There were several people in this room/elevator waiting to go wherever and we needed badly to get back to the sixth floor. All the buttons were animal patterns. Yes, I recall a couple of them being giraffes in digital images. I tried calling for help, nothing. Someone here was trying to knock me over too. We were stuck, and I could see a lot of people acting like this was normal. But then, a FedEx driver came over and waived is badge and we were moving again. 

Dream Over – whah whah

I know I woke with a start, like almost sitting up. And I could remember this dream the whole day. I related it to the CMonster today and kept going over the details in my mind like there had to be some meaning in there anywhere. 

This article:  “Anxiety Dreams Are a Thing — Here’s How to Cope” tried to offer some sense to it, but who wants to make sense? 

The real stress is my day job is really letting me down and hours have been non-existent for 3 weeks now. CMonster is working his ass off and I am putting my energy into these books where I should be looking for a new source of income. That’s on me and that is the guilt and shame I am feeling that I am not bringing in the cash needed. Oh sigh. 

Time for some T

I take medication for my anxiety in a few forms. Psychiatrists are very liberal and literally dangerous with a prescription pad because twice they tried to put me on SSRI or SSI’s that fucked my brain. Like, serious fucked my perception of the world. YOU ABSOLUTELY have to be an advocate and voice for your own well-being. 

Anyway, so there is a medication that targets anxiety without all the other brain-fuckery. I am taking Buspirone 10 mg and 15 mg before bed (which sometimes helps). It’s not great unless you are paying a lot of attention to your dosage. It makes me stupid if I have too much in my system. But damn this shui has got me through a lot. 

I hate taking pills but this has been good for me. I require a lot less of other med preventing panic attacks. 

My anxiety is debilitating and really messes with my relationship to the world. I have pulled in to myself quite a bit. I am really an extroverted-introvert these days but I miss a lot of the stuff I used to do. 

Anyway, like and comment! 

I keep telling myself to post here more often, but I am not sure anyone is reading any of this anyway. A friend of mine is starting his own series soon called #RandyTales and his partner is #GoddessTales and I can’t wait to read more. But for now… this is me. 

I have lost 25 #s since the beginning of the year and it is as if no one noticed. Yes, I still have a way to go, and am determined to lose another 25#s, but CMonster is asking me not to go much further. He’s afraid I will look older with less fat. Which in some cases might be true, but my body is in a happy place. I lost 25#s of mass on my body, but I have gained at least 10 or more #s of muscle. I went out, took my shirt off, and was confident (and got lucky) when I went out last weekend. My demon is the chin waggle and I hate it. 

I will post pics when I can. I am barely making this post right now. But, I will say it sucks that it look so long for anyone to say anything and I had to prompt a response. 

Why not tell me it looks like I am losing weight, I ask. Am I that unapproachable? Even at a pool party, nothing. I am not skinny… but a lot less bulky and have more of that to go. But, damn what a difference from 255 at Christmas and <230 now. Gym, food and hard choices… the only way to do it. Ugh.

Medications

I am taking Orlistat to loose weight btw. I neglected to mention that part which has been really helpful because fat (not sugar) is my demon. I don’t even eat that much, but the kind of foods are the bog factor. Hot weather helps. 

I am also taking a strong anti anxiety med that makes life hard to navigate and also helps so shit. More on that another day…. this was just a qucik update. 

Happy 2024! I just turned 59 last week and am thinking about a lot of things around my life. Next year’s birthday is among them, to include turning 60. Apparently 60 is when life either goes down hill or when things really start to blossom. Here’s to an optimistic outlook and hopefully the accomplishment of many goals so set the stage for my next phase of life.  I have absolutely no retirement and if things do not improve there is a chance I could be working until I am dead. If I am working I hope it is doing something I want. 

2023

• goal of getting my book published #EldridgeTV has not yet come to fruition, but I jumped on it and started doing a complete re-write using some feedback I got that was useful. It came from several resources and as much as I loved my story, I could see where is needed a bit more focus. It’s taking a bit longer than I planned, but hopefully it will be worth it. 
• healthy living took the stage, for my mental health and my physical health. Both need work and I am hoping that in 2024 I can start something with a plan to get to where I want. More on that later. 
• job, relationships, dog: all going in the right direction but need help. Taking care of myself and being there for others is not an easy balance. 

2024

Me on January 1, 2024 to see what I really look like. The mirror lies. My brain lies.

• I need to lose weight and get into better shape. Not interested in muscle of looking like a super-model, but have to get a realistic idea of self. So, I took some pictures to see myself as I am today. 
• Get the book published and finish the screen play version before March.
• Do better with people who are my friends. Edit out the people who are not participating. Embrace those who are.

It’s been so hard to get moving in the right direction, but I have worked very hard on myself over the years. I am still far from perfect. I am a product of my life’s experiences, so if that is messy then that is just the way it is. I do not think I am messy, just a little stained. 

So where do I go from here? 

I have a lot of ideas. It will take time. 

Thanks for checking this out. 

It feels wrong to complain about a life that is so blessed. Each time I look at Facebook and want to whine about a miserable moment, I cannot help but think of the myriad of people out there who have real suffering. So, talking about my suffering seems moot. 

Well, that is why I have my own blog site, right? I can moan and whine and wheedle and vomit anything I want because really no one is reading any of this to begin with. 

Anxiety

My biggest problem right now is Anxiety. I have a lot of tools in my bag to deal with this shitty thing, but the one place I cannot fight it is when I am sleeping. My whole night is filled with dreams that produce huge levels of internal anxiety. Damn, stupid dreams with drops of reality to make it that awful. Waking me up abruptly in the middle of the night. Like full sitting up and having to start over with sleep almost every night. 

My social anxiety has actually been a lot more reduced since moving to Las Vegas. Life here has been more relaxed in a lot of ways and having a house, multiple responsibilities around a house with my name on it, and this dumb dog. 

I have a new psychiatrist as of yesterday who wants me to start a new medication that specifically targets Anxiety. How could I say no? And, I can just stop taking it if it does snarly things. I asked him if this will effect my dreams. He said it was unlikely. So, we’ll see. 

Buspirone is primarily used to treat generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). It is an FDA-approved medicine for managing anxiety disorders or the short-term relief of anxiety symptoms. Off-labeled buspirone is used for the augmentation of unipolar depression.

Pain

I am literally in pain every day. Like fucking pain. This plays on the brain, the body, the mental well-being. 

My biggest issue is my back, L3 to L5 usually with some issues that are still in debate. I am going in for an MRI this week after waiting for almost two months to get in at the V.A.. 

Next is my feet. OMFG why was I issued these shitty feet…. actually this has been a problem over the last decade. I have to be careful what shoes I buy and what I wear. I started back to work a month ago and was wearing my clogs (which was murder). I switched out to Birkenstocks and it is a lot better. 

Getting out of bed every single day requires a warm up to moving around. The back and the joints are telling me to fuck off. Feet, hips and back. Add to this a weird numbing of my hands and arms because of the position of my shoulders. 

Oh, and my left knee. My tibia keeps shifting out of place and there is arthritis in the same knee. Wearing a knee brace to work everyday has helped a lot!

Bed Time is Hell

So, that’s my truth. It’s been going on for a few years and as much as it is debilitating it cannot be. I can barely bend over most days and dropping something on the ground to pick up is absolute hell. At work, I have to be very careful, but I often have to do things that will result in severe pain in the following few days. I bring a handful of painkillers with me all the time and hope they work. Sigh.

PTSD

This part of me has been getting the most therapy over the last couple of years. It is a result of sexual assault and childhood trauma. In 2008 I was held down and forced into a situation that opened up a lot of worms from my life of past sexual abuse that snowballed until the PTSD was diagnosed in/about 2019. What a journey.

Mental Health Journey

This has been a long road and the result for me has been monumental… emphasis on Mental. I see mental health issues routinely being used in blanket terms in media and it is maddening. And the lack of awareness of officials and law enforcement is really harmful. 

Take care of yourself and get toxic people out of your life.