Happy New Year – NSFW

Happy 2024! I just turned 59 last week and am thinking about a lot of things around my life. Next year’s birthday is among them, to include turning 60. Apparently 60 is when life either goes down hill or when things really start to blossom. Here’s to an optimistic outlook and hopefully the accomplishment of many goals so set the stage for my next phase of life.  I have absolutely no retirement and if things do not improve there is a chance I could be working until I am dead. If I am working I hope it is doing something I want. 

2023

  • goal of getting my book published #EldridgeTV has not yet come to fruition, but I jumped on it and started doing a complete re-write using some feedback I got that was useful. It came from several resources and as much as I loved my story, I could see where is needed a bit more focus. It’s taking a bit longer than I planned, but hopefully it will be worth it. 
  • healthy living took the stage, for my mental health and my physical health. Both need work and I am hoping that in 2024 I can start something with a plan to get to where I want. More on that later. 
  • job, relationships, dog: all going in the right direction but need help. Taking care of myself and being there for others is not an easy balance. 

2024

NSFW Edited

Me on January 1, 2024 to see what I really look like. The mirror lies. My brain lies.

  • I need to lose weight and get into better shape. Not interested in muscle of looking like a super-model, but have to get a realistic idea of self. So, I took some pictures to see myself as I am today. 
  • Get the book published and finish the screen play version before March.
  • Do better with people who are my friends. Edit out the people who are not participating. Embrace those who are.

It’s been so hard to get moving in the right direction, but I have worked very hard on myself over the years. I am still far from perfect. I am a product of my life’s experiences, so if that is messy then that is just the way it is. I do not think I am messy, just a little stained. 

So where do I go from here? 

I have a lot of ideas. It will take time. 

Thanks for checking this out. 

 

Poor Little White Girl! Er, CIS white male whining

It feels wrong to complain about a life that is so blessed. Each time I look at Facebook and want to whine about a miserable moment, I cannot help but think of the myriad of people out there who have real suffering. So, talking about my suffering seems moot. 

Well, that is why I have my own blog site, right? I can moan and whine and wheedle and vomit anything I want because really no one is reading any of this to begin with. 

Anxiety

My biggest problem right now is Anxiety. I have a lot of tools in my bag to deal with this shitty thing, but the one place I cannot fight it is when I am sleeping. My whole night is filled with dreams that produce huge levels of internal anxiety. Damn, stupid dreams with drops of reality to make it that awful. Waking me up abruptly in the middle of the night. Like full sitting up and having to start over with sleep almost every night. 

My social anxiety has actually been a lot more reduced since moving to Las Vegas. Life here has been more relaxed in a lot of ways and having a house, multiple responsibilities around a house with my name on it, and this dumb dog. 

I have a new psychiatrist as of yesterday who wants me to start a new medication that specifically targets Anxiety. How could I say no? And, I can just stop taking it if it does snarly things. I asked him if this will effect my dreams. He said it was unlikely. So, we’ll see. 

Buspirone is primarily used to treat generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). It is an FDA-approved medicine for managing anxiety disorders or the short-term relief of anxiety symptoms. Off-labeled buspirone is used for the augmentation of unipolar depression.

Pain

I am literally in pain every day. Like fucking pain. This plays on the brain, the body, the mental well-being. 

My biggest issue is my back, L3 to L5 usually with some issues that are still in debate. I am going in for an MRI this week after waiting for almost two months to get in at the V.A.. 

Next is my feet. OMFG why was I issued these shitty feet…. actually this has been a problem over the last decade. I have to be careful what shoes I buy and what I wear. I started back to work a month ago and was wearing my clogs (which was murder). I switched out to Birkenstocks and it is a lot better. 

Getting out of bed every single day requires a warm up to moving around. The back and the joints are telling me to fuck off. Feet, hips and back. Add to this a weird numbing of my hands and arms because of the position of my shoulders. 

Oh, and my left knee. My tibia keeps shifting out of place and there is arthritis in the same knee. Wearing a knee brace to work everyday has helped a lot!

Bed Time is Hell

So, that’s my truth. It’s been going on for a few years and as much as it is debilitating it cannot be. I can barely bend over most days and dropping something on the ground to pick up is absolute hell. At work, I have to be very careful, but I often have to do things that will result in severe pain in the following few days. I bring a handful of painkillers with me all the time and hope they work. Sigh.

PTSD

This part of me has been getting the most therapy over the last couple of years. It is a result of sexual assault and childhood trauma. In 2008 I was held down and forced into a situation that opened up a lot of worms from my life of past sexual abuse that snowballed until the PTSD was diagnosed in/about 2019. What a journey.

Mental Health Journey

This has been a long road and the result for me has been monumental… emphasis on Mental. I see mental health issues routinely being used in blanket terms in media and it is maddening. And the lack of awareness of officials and law enforcement is really harmful. 

Take care of yourself and get toxic people out of your life. 

Something different – Happy Thanksgiving

I started a new med for depression and anxiety and my world has really changed. I am feeing much more balanced and much like my old self. If you only knew me well enough to see what that change was like, but I was not in a good place for a long while. I think many of my posts over recent years has really shown that. 

This week was something special for me too. Last week my partner (aka Waffles) went to L.A. for a few days and a good friend of mine stayed here and we spent a lot of time together. I got to decompress in ways I did not know I needed. Having Matt here was refreshing and made me feel appreciated. I also got some time to reflect on myself and realize some things about myself and about Waffles. 

There have been some things that have been rising to the surface and seeing them through Matt’s eyes was a bit of an eye opener. In some ways the break, and having someone else around, was a revelation. There are things about my Waffles that I thought I saw, but was not sure of. And being aware, I feel safer and better for it. 

I might be less crazy than I thought. I might have less shame about myself than I thought. I care more, but I am more empathetic to the world around me. If this sounds like riddles, then so be it. But, my world had brightened and I am very grateful for it. 

Nice who what?

As I was writing this post I took this picture. This t-shirt says a lot… yikes.

Today a lady at the Safeway looked me in the face and told me I had beautiful eyes. We both smiled, I said thank you, and we moved in opposite directions. I saw another lady and we smiled at each other too. It was a very sweet and nice encounter.

Little do any of them know I that when I was driving to the market, my skin was crawling with anxiety and I could feel myself almost reeling. I was certain something horrible was going to happen. At least, probably caused by me. Maybe me acting like a jerk even if I did not mean it. But, I was aware of the creeping feeling and kept it reigned in. 

I asked myself, why did I have to try so hard to be cool on the outside even when I was running around like chicken-little on the inside. Why was that energy expended on staying in control. Today I might not know the answer. But glad I kept my shit together. 

Time of change

I am thinking it is time for some changes and I am not sure how far they need to go. I have, in the past, gone too far without knowing where to stop. I am working with what is in front of me. So I have to figure out how to do what I am planning on doing. Try this…

I need to weed out the people who are doing nothing in my life. – me

So, I am thinking it’s time to purge Facebook and time to trim down on my social networks. I mean, I know a lot of people but I literally barely have any friends. And, almost NO ONE to hang out with. Thankfully I have been able to hang with Scooter and Chris and things are good in that area. But, no one to go out and do stupid things I like to do. 

Not that any of that will necessarily change with the purging, but it is time to focus on the things that are good and healthy for me. And a big part of the last 20 years has been a series of decisions that have not been all that healthy. 

So, here is to working out what those things will be and see what I do about it by writing it here. 

This thing… it’s awful (trigger warning)

the man in the mirrorLet me start off with a trigger warning on this one, because I am talking about suicide and death. This subject has been on my mind and if you have not been able to tell from my recent posts about Burning Man this year, then you have not really been paying attention. 

Last week I found out someone I knew was killed when he was hit by a car. I hear he was killed instantly and did not suffer. The loss of someone who shined that bright in the world really bummed me out. We were not friends in my definition of friends, but we were comfortable with each other to be very friendly. He was, in my opinion, a bright light in the world. 

Flashback to the beginning of the year when another soul I saw a a tremendous and brilliant light in my universe was taken away because of a heart attack brought on by drug use. His college age daughter came into my work a couple weeks ago and gave me an amazing hug. When the person in the previous paragraph news hit me I think I was transported back when I found out when person B was lost. 

Add that there are a lot of people around me suffering because of recent suicides that were planned out. I feel the heart-ache from these friends and see the pain of losing those people. 

Add to that these cheesy messages crudely attempting to reach out to people who are thinking about suicide:

If you or someone you know has talked about contemplating suicide,
call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at:
1-800-273-825

Maybe these appeal to people who are triggered and not sure of they want to end it all. Recently, people in my universe seem to be planning it out and that is not the customer who is calling these numbers above. 

I would never call one of those numbers. I think calling Walmart Customer Service would be more enticing. That!.. would surely kill me. 

I can tell you how close I was to being one of them. But the thing that keeps me from doing it is the faces of the loved ones who around me. To think about hurting any of them is more than I could endure in life or death. I firmly believe in leaving this world better than when you arrive and I strive to do that everyday. I fail at it tremendously sometimes. But… I get back up and push on. 

I wanted to get this off my chest. I firmly believe no one will read this. Nor is anyone really paying attention to my blog. All these years of waaaah and whine hardly appeal to people today. And it should be noted while I blog more when in a funk I am often in a lovely place! Thank you for… well nothing. No one reads me. 

Getting back to the flow… or a new flow

Last night’s post was very liberating for me because there was a sense of catharsis. Also, people coming out of Burning Man have been messaging me about the exodus. It was six hours for most people. Gratefully, I drove straight out with nothing in the way. I think there were 2 cars on the road when I left. Thank goodness.

Still putting things away from my week at Burning Man. But, most of it is away. The deep and dark feelings have been getting some attention and hopefully not pity. It was hard to open up on those things and I am still feeling a bit raw about it. I feel changed to my core, but hopefully changed in a good way. There is still enough broken glass in here that I am managing. 

My days home have gone to good use. Working on feeling better and healing. My feet are much better. My knee is a cunt. My back is … a pain. Achy, distant, stressed and worried about going back to work tomorrow. My brain is still a rotten cabbage. 

So I also decided to dive into a sewing project. This is a kilt (overkilt) I have been planning on for a while. Stay tuned updates.

This week on Scott.2.0

Pride weekend just happened. I made an effort to break a habit of locking myself in at home. I wanted badly to volunteer and help the Comfort & Joy folks with setup with their big party for pride, which of course would get me access to the event. I was happy to help. In fact, seeing the people and being engaged was 50% of the best part. The other 50% was just being there. 

Pride Weekend for me

I had to go through an internal dialog about being open. I needed to find a space to open up myself to experiences and people and it was harder than I expected. With that, meant being present and not fucked up. With that, meant meeting old friends and new ones. It also meant not letting the inner-saboteur take over. I had a great time and got to have quality time in a lot of different ways. 

Post Pride

Sunday I did lock myself in at home and stayed in in spite of my desire to be out. Sounds like I made a better decision given the chaos happening in San Francisco. I might have missed out on something in Oakland, but choices. I cooked. I did some errands… life is good.

Monday

I got to see my old roommate from Las Vegas who appeared out of nowhere. She happened to be in town and we grabbed some wine and nibbles at the Blush Wine Bar in the Castro. We talked a lot and shared some old memories. 

Tuesday

A dear dear friend of mine from Las Vegas wandered into my workplace. I was absolutely blown away! He is someone who was very special to me back there and we drifted apart for some reason. Because I moved away? Because I had an issue with his partner at the time? None the less, he has someone new and fantastic in his life. 

Today (Wednesday)

I am hosting a Diversity, Inclusion and Equity event for my non-profit online. One of the people on that call is another dear friend from Las Vegas. I am feeling a theme happening this week… right? It is a good thing on Eventbrite and Zoom we are doing tonight. 

Lots of updates to the website here

I have been updating this site with my galleries and other things. Not sure exactly why, but maybe I see it as some kind of legacy? I have a lot of plans to fix all the categories and tags and make it a little cleaner, Because, frankly, everything on here is a assembly of 3 sites to one that talked about different aspects of my life. 

I do not quite understand why many of my older galleries are showing duplicates of different pictures. But I will say this new Nexcellent Gallery systems is the bomb. It is a huge leap from what it used to be. I may buy into it this time to be able to do more. 

Analytics: I see there are more people happening into this site. I wish I knew who it was… but interesting that traffic is starting to develop. 

Say hi if you are reading stuff. 

Sunday again… a holiday weekend

I took this picture last night. I needed it for something.

Today I stayed home all day and though I kept myself busy with stupid things, I sulked again. I let my monkey brain wander through a forest of bad feelings and focus how lonely I feel a lot of the time. I focused on all the things I was missing out on, though I did nothing to resolve that situation. And why not go here or there…? Who wants to hang around me?

I have become this sad old fat man who does not feel good about himself on any level. I see myself as someone who is miserable, so if I hang with other people in this dark form, I will make them miserable.

There are antidots for that feeling, none of which I am willing to take on right now. Fake ways to make myself tolerable and forget the things that are making me worry so much. But, I have no desire to bury those things in booze or other things to cover the other feelings up.

Exercise could be a good solution, if only I could manage to make that happen. It is simply a matter of doing and overcoming the things in my way. The act of doing requires the first step and I have lost my footing and my path.

Sigh.

I have no voice. I have no tribe around me anymore and it feels very lonely.

I have several worries today

  • are some of the medications I am taking fucking my head up and sending me down a road of early dementia?
  • am I holding my partner back from a better life or is he propping me up for mine?
  • will I become my mother? I mean, I am scared.