Poor Little White Girl! Er, CIS white male whining

It feels wrong to complain about a life that is so blessed. Each time I look at Facebook and want to whine about a miserable moment, I cannot help but think of the myriad of people out there who have real suffering. So, talking about my suffering seems moot. 

Well, that is why I have my own blog site, right? I can moan and whine and wheedle and vomit anything I want because really no one is reading any of this to begin with. 


My biggest problem right now is Anxiety. I have a lot of tools in my bag to deal with this shitty thing, but the one place I cannot fight it is when I am sleeping. My whole night is filled with dreams that produce huge levels of internal anxiety. Damn, stupid dreams with drops of reality to make it that awful. Waking me up abruptly in the middle of the night. Like full sitting up and having to start over with sleep almost every night. 

My social anxiety has actually been a lot more reduced since moving to Las Vegas. Life here has been more relaxed in a lot of ways and having a house, multiple responsibilities around a house with my name on it, and this dumb dog. 

I have a new psychiatrist as of yesterday who wants me to start a new medication that specifically targets Anxiety. How could I say no? And, I can just stop taking it if it does snarly things. I asked him if this will effect my dreams. He said it was unlikely. So, we’ll see. 

Buspirone is primarily used to treat generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). It is an FDA-approved medicine for managing anxiety disorders or the short-term relief of anxiety symptoms. Off-labeled buspirone is used for the augmentation of unipolar depression.


I am literally in pain every day. Like fucking pain. This plays on the brain, the body, the mental well-being. 

My biggest issue is my back, L3 to L5 usually with some issues that are still in debate. I am going in for an MRI this week after waiting for almost two months to get in at the V.A.. 

Next is my feet. OMFG why was I issued these shitty feet…. actually this has been a problem over the last decade. I have to be careful what shoes I buy and what I wear. I started back to work a month ago and was wearing my clogs (which was murder). I switched out to Birkenstocks and it is a lot better. 

Getting out of bed every single day requires a warm up to moving around. The back and the joints are telling me to fuck off. Feet, hips and back. Add to this a weird numbing of my hands and arms because of the position of my shoulders. 

Oh, and my left knee. My tibia keeps shifting out of place and there is arthritis in the same knee. Wearing a knee brace to work everyday has helped a lot!

Bed Time is Hell

So, that’s my truth. It’s been going on for a few years and as much as it is debilitating it cannot be. I can barely bend over most days and dropping something on the ground to pick up is absolute hell. At work, I have to be very careful, but I often have to do things that will result in severe pain in the following few days. I bring a handful of painkillers with me all the time and hope they work. Sigh.


This part of me has been getting the most therapy over the last couple of years. It is a result of sexual assault and childhood trauma. In 2008 I was held down and forced into a situation that opened up a lot of worms from my life of past sexual abuse that snowballed until the PTSD was diagnosed in/about 2019. What a journey.

Mental Health Journey

This has been a long road and the result for me has been monumental… emphasis on Mental. I see mental health issues routinely being used in blanket terms in media and it is maddening. And the lack of awareness of officials and law enforcement is really harmful. 

Take care of yourself and get toxic people out of your life. 

Posted in Feeling it.

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