Something different – Happy Thanksgiving

I started a new med for depression and anxiety and my world has really changed. I am feeing much more balanced and much like my old self. If you only knew me well enough to see what that change was like, but I was not in a good place for a long while. I think many of my posts over recent years has really shown that. 

This week was something special for me too. Last week my partner (aka Waffles) went to L.A. for a few days and a good friend of mine stayed here and we spent a lot of time together. I got to decompress in ways I did not know I needed. Having Matt here was refreshing and made me feel appreciated. I also got some time to reflect on myself and realize some things about myself and about Waffles. 

There have been some things that have been rising to the surface and seeing them through Matt’s eyes was a bit of an eye opener. In some ways the break, and having someone else around, was a revelation. There are things about my Waffles that I thought I saw, but was not sure of. And being aware, I feel safer and better for it. 

I might be less crazy than I thought. I might have less shame about myself than I thought. I care more, but I am more empathetic to the world around me. If this sounds like riddles, then so be it. But, my world had brightened and I am very grateful for it. 

Hey Blog

I promised myself I would write here more. The trick is not to let this become a place of non-stop complaining. There was a long period where I think that, that was all that was coming out of me. So, I think I am going to riff a little while and see where this goes.

  • The editor I hired to look over my book that I spent a few years working on has completely dropped the ball and admitted he was never going to get it done. There was the suggestion of a refund, but I am not convinced. The book does need more work, but I am finishing up a sequel to it now. Which is really helpful because I can further assess out some of the longer term plot points and characters I was using. Book 1 is about 400 pages, Book 2 is starting to get close to 600.
  • The universe is yelling at me to make some changes, and I keep holding back. It will kick my ass if I do not heed the clear messages I am getting. I have never been afraid to make leaps of faith. The truth is it has generally worked in my favor to jump. The biggest things holding me back are my age and the fact I do not want to stress out my CMonster.
  • I have been trying to lose weight. I have been dieting and watching what I eat. I have been drinking a lot more water, less coffee, reduced sugar. In the scope of things, animal proteins down 90% and eliminating wheat as much as possible.
    • eliminating wheat has reduced inflammation in my joints and reduced my pain significantly
    • same with meat, taking out all poultry, almost all pork, almost all beef made me feel much better….
    • but, in the last couple weeks  I noticed sugar and meat were sneaking back in and it is time to slap that down again
  • Our apartment is lovely. We are so blessed. We are talking about moving far way. It is looking pretty serious now. Might be time to leave the bay area.
  • I did a thing last month! I hosted a web broadcast and it was pretty cool the way it turned out. I am the founder and chair of Queerburners, a non-profit for LGBTQAI Burning Man participants. It went really well and I have three more planned and possibly two more as well. Check our for more details.
  • I have been blessed with some social things this week and feeling a bit more connected to the world. It has been a long time and I was really feeling very alone once again. Like, no one wanted to hang out. It’s been weird, but I think a lot of people felt that way.
    • Last Thursday hanging out at Ocean Beach for a Sunset burn and celebrating an early birthday with Bern
    • Breakfast with my friend and fellow weirdo Craig at Orphan Andy’s in Castro
    • Last night in the Laurel with Scoot and Propeller sitting around a lovely fire
  • Eager to hang out socially at Power House or the SF Eagle. But, seriously hung up on my weight and health right now. I am genuinely worried that if I do not get a hold on it that I am as good as dead.
    • You know when people are close to you pass on, I have a theory that it is death getting closer and closer until death finds you or someone else close by to take. So close sometimes. I have got to get my health back.

Rants completed.

Lot’s going on

Well, I started a new job last week and it was neither as a designer or as a cook; in any way. It’s a job and one that pays better than anything I had over the last three years. So, I move on thinking practically and trying to make something out of my time remaining here in San Francisco.
2014_09_1440x300HanumanI did go and buy some clothes today… of which I was in serious need of. Most of my clothes are so old they are actually falling apart. And I have been wanting to dress like something less than a slob and have found some clothes that are not too expensive.
Still need to get a new place and get settled. I need a home and I need to find a place to live. CMonster and I keep focusing on a place together but I am wondering how reasonable and realistic that is. We have had a lot of stupid small fights lately but it could be that we have been living in a tiny box together for the last six months.
Anyway, I am still working on my burning man stuff. 2015 with my theme camp Sun Guardians is I wrote abut it in my BM Blog here but check out the Sun Guardians web site.

Happy Veterans Day: My Lemonade Tale

970291_10151699708123125_570637080_nI often see very positive energy coming my way and while I see it, energy does not always become matter. I wish there was more of a manifestation of something of that energy… or how that energy can drive me forward into more internal passion.
My passions are often generating energy that do not always land in a way that makes my journey stronger. I do a lot of things. I try and give a lot of myself. I try to expect nothing in return. Somehow, I feel like it is making me some karma coins yet something my mom told me once still seems to be a curse that floats over me: “If it weren’t for bad luck you would not have any luck at all”.
That statement was not a dig against me. It was not a negative dumped over my head. It was an inescapable truth in my life seeking to become more in my life. What sucks is I never really seem to be able to find the rung in life to get me beyond broke and drifting.
I think I am still looking for someone to be a mentor. It is something my dad never was. He, if anything, had a goal of hallowing me out with abusive context. I can count one occasion where he helped me in a place where I felt stronger inside.
I joined the military early on and spent 6 years doing something I loved. But, for stupid reasons, I bailed on that because I was looking at the green grass in the neighbors year. I let someone else talk me out of something good and frankly I have had to relive that regret over and over to this day. Not just the refret of leaving the Air Force like I did, but it seems I was destined to relive the scenario over and over.
It might have been over a relationship, job, decision to do something usually ending up with me making the wrong choice.
My step dad told CMonster once: “Scott will do what Scott wants to do…” which might sound stubborn. But more times than I could count I made a decision based on someone else’s logic I ended up regretting it. If it was a decision based on my own bad choice then it was a lot easier to live with.
I know who I am: Soldier, Loyalist, Community Activist, Human.
I know what I do best in the right circumstances: Love, Lead, Create … in my humble opinion.

An Exhausting Weekend

wp_20141005_006It was one of those weekends. It was one of those weekends when you are called to be the +1 with your partner and all his college friends who were getting together for a birthday. It was the time to witness drunken tomfoolery and gross gluttony and just general hetero weirdness. But there were also some very nice moments.

BF has issues

I was so uncomfortable being injected into this crowd at first. I was with a bunch of strangers sharing a house for 3 days and 2 nights and then there was my BF crawling up my ass insisting I get comfortable. It took a little while, but frankly once he blacked out from drinking I had a great time.

Gluttony Shell Fist Style

wp_20141006_003We went to have oysters at an oyster farm and ate them hand over fist. OMG they were so fantastic. We had them hot and fresh and with a lot of beer and while and various Asian liqueurs. More went back to the house, as well as a giant bag of clams, lumpia like mad and so much…. and then when we got back we met in Oakland and had Korean BBQ and left so full we were in pain.
It is time for a diet. It is time for a sensible direction and change back to decent food that is not going to kill me… oh my hell.

Visiting Mom and Bob

I’m in Tehachapi, Ca visiting my mom and step-dad and helping them reassemble their house after she had all new flooring installed. The floors look great, but the people that were helping her take the stuff out were vampires and charged my mom 600 bucks. I am more annoyed the 74221_495509221196_4032212_nwoman who has been helping them has been bleeding my mom for a while anyway.
Anyway, we got most of the furniture in place and thank goodness they are not bringing in all their stuff that was in here. Hopefully they will start purging. I love my hoarder parents… ha ha ha ha.
So my to-do list is growing and I am not moving as fast while I am here. I have a lot to do tomorrow and I have to leave on Friday to get back to San Francisco. C Monster and I have tickets for a show to see Peaches Christ doing Hocus Pocus! Woot!
I made dinner for us. Chinese food that came out pretty good.

2014 Spiritual Gathering for Radical Faeries

Yep- that’s what I did this last week. It was a very needed experience and I was so glad I was able to swing it. The postings on Facebook had me so excited and the “Call” (which is the announcement for the event and all the rules around it) was well crafted and made a person feel excited.
Last year I would say I left feeling trepidations over my experience as there seemed to be a lot of conflict with the identity of the land. BUT, if you read my trip report from last year then you can see why. A lot happened and there was a weird balance of good, bad and fantastical.

SGRF2013: Part 1 & Part2

SGRF2014:  Catching up since then: As suggested in the posts from 2013 I never made it back to Samhain and put off going back to Wolf Creek until I felt the call. So, the only Radical Faery stuff I did was here in the city with the local Faeries.
WP_001032Starting off I had zero money and had no idea how I was getting there. Plus, on the 11th hour I discovered my tent was missing. So, I had no place to sleep as far as I knew. Not to mention that I had not quite figured out how I was getting to Oregon and getting home. Think this might be a problem?
A great guy on a ride list picked me up and we drove up to Oregon. Yes, I still have both my kidneys. And, the guy working the event let me borrow an extra tent on the property. All was good. No ride home yet, but hell I had a few days before that might be an issue.

Wolf Creek

The land is amazing to visit. I stopped at the ancestor alter as soon as we arrived and payed homage to the land  because I wanted my return to start better (or the best possible) than last year. The map I found on the refrigerator in the barn showed so much.

The Vibe

As previously mentioned the “Call” was really good. There was this forced sense of desired sobriety last year and that was missing in this announcement. There was drinking and there was a little partying, but in the scope of things it was low key and Hand Washing Sinknice. Nothing close to Burning Man level! Which is a good thing.
I did have a sense of appreciation for the required sobriety normally enforced on a majority of the land. When I was cooking dinner one night my two helpers were drinking and smoking themselves into non-presence because it was the one night where you could pretty much drink anywhere on the land.


Well, I contributed the best I could through cooking for the 40+ guests and staff on the land. It was exciting that it seems it was was people remembered most about my visit last year. It also felt so amazing to feel so welcomed back. It was cool that so many people that were there were burners. (more below)

So I took a camping spot down by the creek because I wanted to be around people. While some people think this kind of a thing is sex, drugs and party on… well… for me it was just a nice chance to disconnect from the world and think about the things I need to take care of in life right now.

The Miss Wolf Creek Pageant

OMG this was just so much fun and it was done on the night people were allowed to have alcohol which made even more of a hoot! There is a building called the drag closet with all kinds of fun things in it that have been donated over the years. No, I did not get into drag but damn these boys are so much fun!!!!!

Still wondering what’s next…

So I sit here thinking about my future wondering where it will take me. Am I the driver or the passenger? It hardly seems logical that a 50 year old guy can sit here and not know where to go  with it, but I have figured out one thing and that is there is something.

You practical Goats prefer solid footing beneath your feet, so it’s unsettling now when the very things you were most sure of start to disintegrate before your eyes. Don’t panic; it isn’t like your life is falling apart. The problem is your internal GPS isn’t operating at top efficiency, so you may have to fly by the seat of your pants for a while. Loosen up and enjoy the ride — even if you have no idea where you are going.

– My horoscope today on Tarot.Com (love that site)

Anyhoo… my love of cooking is seriously dying in San Francisco working for fucking idiots who think they don’t stink and are impervious to any wrong. OMG – I have worked for some serious losers who could never see themselves in a mirror.
So my passions have a chance to emerge but it is hard to ask the universe for something when I am uncertain to what it could be.

More than 10% possible

I never thought reading self-improvement books would be something I would do. But, if you read a lot of my past posts you can see where I have been dealing with a lot of issues.
I swear I was going to work on more positive things for myself… specifically focusing less on the negative. Seems when I am feeling cracked out or struggling with life’s issues coming here seems like a solution.
10% Happier from Dan HarrisI read “How to Make Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. I was half way through the second read on it when I discovered “10% Happier” which so far has been a real mirror. It was written and read through Audible.Com by Dan Harris; an ABC News Anchor. Weird how so much of what he has to say has hit home with me. My world has been quite the roller coaster in recent years.
Don’t get me wrong, don;t get me too right either, but this seems to be a big year of transformation for me and this might be the best catalyst I have added to my tool belt so far. This site will take on new shape, too, soon.
Who is reading this stuff? Who is paying attention? I know I had followers a long while back but I dropped the ball on this site a while and I think a lot of people fell off. So I am curious who is around.

Goals and plans 2013 to 2014

Having trouble focusing on what I need for me. I came back from Burning Man with some new goals and have not written any of them down. Everything is a distraction and little allows for focus except for C Monster… well, I have to focus on him when he is around because our time together is becoming more precious.
a3My work schedule is opposite his and we have to see each other less. I cannot cook for him like I would like and that is a solid bummer. I love making us dinner at home.
Anyway, goals for the year are important and making them happen is also vital. I have not always been successful.  Understand that over the many years I have figured out that September is a new beginning; it just always seems to work out that way. The rest of the year just seems to get harder and harder, but with a new outlook hopefully that will change:
Immediate Needs:

  • start paying people back I owe money to; bills and rent and more… people who helped finance my Burn this year and my parents who have been taking care of my dog who has been really ill
  • clean out my clutter and create more order

Oh I hate chaos and though it has it’s uses this time in my life is not it. My bills are horribly out of control and I need to regain some balance and I am really at the stage where I almost have no where to turn but bankruptcy. My student loans and some small tax issues are my biggest demons right now.
Short Term Goals include:

  • September – December: Caught up on Bills /  Debts
    –  I want to get some welding classes started
    – I need a routine that includes health and fitness
  • December – January: Prep for 2014 which includes a new living situation, moving in with C Monster, preparing for Burning Man
    – Burning Man tickets go on sale January but we are applying for low income
    – Start planning for a future with C Monster
  • February – May: Stabilize life
    – this is where life will throw me a curve ball and I will have to learn to roll with it as usual.
  • June – August: Prep for Burning Man
    – I have decided I want to live in a more affordable place and
    – Buy a car
  • August: Burning Man
  • September – a new year begins

Longer Term Goals

  • 1 year: figure out if C Monster and I are ready for the big leap:
    – after financial rebuilding: move in and / possibly get married
    – buy a car
    – C Monster should be in school starting this year
  • 2 year: open my own restaurant (see below*)

Career is a big goal for me right now and despite me abandoning Dixie SF in June; I am working on a calculated plan to move ahead in my career. I am watching the ladder very carefully and trying to figure out what life is stirring me toward.
The message of the universe is not always clear, but I will tell you it was screaming at me to leave Dixie. I felt rewarded that I got a job right before Burning Man which I started right after; coincidence? I do not think so. The universe has a plan for me and I am trying like hell to make it work in a positive light for me. *I have a project I started in 2013 by registering a corporation called “Amazing Toaster, LLC” that has gone no where. But that is for another day.