Failure to Pose

I was going to go into summer with a whole new plan to start working out. I was going to go deep, mark my progress on a Noom ap, then lose fat and years like magic. Well, that did not pan our all that well. I did get back into yoga classes, you can read about it on my blog site Part 1 and Part 2

So, my journey back to yoga was worth while. It kicked my ass and I was in so much pain after I found myself considering other options. Basically I feel I am almost back to step 1. 

Portland no more… East Bay?

The last week has been an upheaval in a way. A lot has happened and I am stuck in my own thoughts once again. That is like putting your feet in cement and is rarely helpful because searching the present for a solution takes ones eyes off the future and… well the hidden blessing… off the past as well.

Cooking for the Masses

wp_20141101_004Last week I was very busy getting ready for and executing  a meal at the Groundswell space near Boonville. I planned for 120 people and saw close to 100 in the end although it was hard to get a solid count at any point. It was still such an amazing weekend. I got a little play time. I was in charge of the kitchen, but occasionally I had strong people who could take over and operate without supervision. PLUS… CMonster yanked me out of the kitchen for a hike on Sunday.

badgeFBMy Cooking Site – My On-Line Resume

In an effort to prepare for my next life-step-journey thing… I updated my resume site and (pushing them to the same location). I consolidated the sites since my cooking career is somewhat parallel and my pastry future is so limited.

Life Journey Surprises

CMonster wearing the mask I made for him for the masquerade.

CMonster wearing the mask I made for him for the masquerade.

When we got back, CMonster had an email congratulating him on being accepted to school. This is something he had been working on for months. The only issue, it was here in San Francisco. Not Portland. He starts school in 10 months and moving to Portland seems moot. It’s very disappointing, but at the same time it provides a rung on the ladder to reach for. I can choose a direction instead of waiting for the next domino to fall.
Now, I have to get out of his house and find a place in the Bay Area where we can exist together. Where we can have a home and where we can live as long as we need to. Moving to Portland is probably not an option now, but there is always time.
And… I decided to go on a diet… so I will start sharing that adventure here. I am doing something that is a little more hardcore than what is typically healthy, but I am sick of carrying this weight and sick of all the crappy food eating. And, back off the meat again for a while. Ugh, my guts have to look just awful.

Me Myself and I – wait, did this one

So, the last few days has been a course of reflection and you might have noted in my last 2 posts I talked a lot about potentially moving to Portland very soon. It has also been a good time to try and figure out HOW to move forward in WHAT mindset I should be in. Frankly, this time in San Francisco has been … at best … difficult.
The best part of living here has been CMonster. Making friends here has been very tough. And, trying to be a part of the community here has been just as tough; whether we are talking about the Burners or the Radical Faeries. I have never been in a place where it was so hard to crack the nut. While it might not be them so much as myself; I have to figure that out on my own.

I saw this post today on Facebook by “Coop“: “Want an example of how beliefs create your reality and drive your behavior? I just got off the phone with an international client who runs a non-profit, a consulting firm and works for a global relief organization. (Yes, she has 3 big jobs!) Needless to say, she’s near burnout and couldn’t understand why she committed to all of these high-profile responsibilities. For 3 weeks, we focused on the core issues and today, we finally identified the core belief driving her need to over-commit: She wasn’t loveable. Because of that, she didn’t love herself. Because of that, she didn’t like herself and she was being a martyr – basically burning herself out by pouring all of her effort into work while ignoring her health, key relationships and taking on more than is humanly possible. She felt isolated and alone, even when surrounded by people who loved and respected her. When we cleared the belief that she was not loveable, she felt a huge relief – and created a plan to shift her situation. I’m so fortunate to be able to do this work with amazingly brilliant and talented peopleCoop (Micheal Cooper) does a lot of consulting for professionals.

That is not all. The article came out last week and was linked on Facebook by another of my amazing people in my life and it struck me.
Here is a Link to the Original Article: 10 Things That The People Who Love Their Lives Are Doing Differently
Surprise, surprise… happy people live their lives differently. They don’t have different lives. They just do a better job at living them than those who are unhappy.

They don’t bother trying to make others like them — mainly because they don’t care if they’re liked.

I don’t really know how much this applies to me. While I have tried to demonstrate to some people that I am committed to a specific cause or community that we have in common I wanted your respect more than your friendship. Don’t like me… I don’t care. Say I am a bad guy for any reason, you’re wrong. Maybe you’re right. But I do my best and if it is not good enough for you then – seeya.

They do things because they want to do them, not because they believe they have to do them.

For me this is a 50/50 issue as the work I do with Queer Burners feels like an obligations some times mostly because no one else steps up to lead and try and get people together in a community. It’s been moreso here in San Francisco where it is a bitch to get burners together. I have been beating a dead horse here.

They love their friends but don’t rely on them.

Yep. Don’t learn this the hard way. Your expectations will be the death of you.

When you ask them what they do, they don’t give you a job title.

Yep. I think I got this one too. If I have to put a label on myself I chose Renaissance Man… works.

When you ask them where they live, they say, “At the moment…”

Sorta… I think I might have this one but when I think about it, it is hard to step outside myself and see. I certainly do not think about things like other people and when you ask me about making soft plans for next week… I will often tell you ‘let’s cross that bridge when we get to it’ while when it come times to make plans to move that is planning. So, yeah.

They have their own philosophies, their own religion they created and live by.

Yep. Got this one too. My choices are those that people just don’t get and are quick to judge. Walk a mile in my moccasins. Or don’t; see item 1.

They embrace their impermanence.


They see the world as their playhouse and their mind as the conductor.

You were saying…?

They live in the moment, but dream in the future.

#fail… sorta. I have to say I have spent too much time anchored to the past and often my head in the clouds. The best thing I could do for myself is to find my passion and drive. Then implement it. Right now I am feeling very broken and heavy. Fixing that has to happen first maybe.

They don’t bother changing others, but instead learn how to deal with them appropriately.

Yep. Never thought of trying to change others. However, if I can get CMonster to make some changes I think we would be more successful. But maybe that is exactly what is wrong with us?
So, those are the items some article says that people who love their lives. Just reading through these it feels like television is telling us all these things in reverse. Is that weird? Is that a weird realization now as I sat here seeing how my own life applied to those bullet points?
So, I do ask myself what I am doing wrong in my life to be where I am. Not that I am not counting the blessings I have. Not that I am trying to she the regrets based on a lot of bad decisions in life; chuck those out and move on. Not that I remain ever optimistic for the future. All I can do is work on freeing myself from any remaining baggage and move forward.

Portland in November

Time to stop kidding myself and stop coasting on nothing. I have been hiding out at CMonster’s place for a while and want to move on. The plan tech_portland24__01__630x420right now is focusing on Portland. I want to move to Portland, OR and find a home. From there I will get a job as quickly as I can and just start living again.
My life has been in this weird holding pattern for 3 years. In the last three years here in San Francisco, I have aged 10 years. I feel older, been sick a lot, physically hurt a lot, allergies gone mad, sanity slowly fading. It’s been a fucking bitch living here.
I do have to say that for few blessings my time here has been like a trip through purgatory. I met my bf whom I love and adore, it’s been 3 years and we seem to be okay together. We compliment each other but we still have this weird relationship that still seems to work.
Anyway, I am working out the details and will see how I can make it all happen.

Dogs: Past and Present

I love dogs. Well, good pets… cats have not been horrible. But dogs are the best. After my Tom-Dog passed on a year ago Mom & Bob got Maggie and she is a good girl. They have another dog named Sam who is 14 and still full of energy – relatively speaking.
Tom's CollarYesterday I was fixing the back seat in my moms car and Tom’s old collar fell into my hands and I was shocked. I just grasped it in both my hands and then naturally took a picture of it. Read about Tom here.
I miss having a puppy around. But I need to have a home and a life. I don’t have those things right now. It’s ahead of me. It’s part of my intention. I gave all that up 3.5 years ago for a new adventure and have been virtually lost since then.
Now, the only plus has been my bf and many of the people I have come to know in San Francisco. I need something more though and not sure where to find it.

Expanding my Creative Menu

I started another writing project based on a pretty cool idea. It’s funny how things sorta flow in the universe and I have to wonder about where some of my ideas flow from. Certainly I have a creative mind and a unique spin, but I started a book about 2 years ago and finished it’s 4th or 5th draft recently and see two productions with a similar (generally speaking) concept behind it.
Mine is certainly darker and edgier than t.v. will do and absolutely reaches past what a made for t.v. movie I heard about last night is doing. All it means is people wonder about similar things.
My writing has danced on the spiritual / metaphysical / sciFi side for all my life but I keep letting time slip by without attempting to publish anything. Seems a lot of people think they are writers and I am more than willing to hear any critical feedback on my work if only I can get someone to read it.
Besides, I want a 2nd pair of eyes on it for sentence structure, continuity and maybe some fact checking too. I have no one will to take that task on. Argh….!
But, I decided once again [note to reader: I had twice in my life sought publishing but let myself get defeated almost immediately] to look into it. I have been reading and preparing myself for the process and know it is a long process. I suppose if it were easy tons of people would have done it and there would be a lot of shitty books out there about whatever.
I have 2 books ready for the go round:

  • “3 Wishes to Save the World” by me
    Which really has nothing to do with saving the world but has a lot to do with much more darker and deeply rooted issue in our world evolving around race and the perception of society.
  • “ELDRITCH: Tale of the Four Winds” by me
    Super exciting purely SciFi tale I originally wrote as a screen play for television but it made quite an amazing book. It’s 300 pages but could easily evolve in a season of very cool shows on HBO or Showtime or something like that. It’s got a lot of historical figures in it and a lot of spiritual and religious overtones but strictly for the context of the story. This one actually does have a save the world element to it… no super heroes.

I think I need to add more to my creativity section on the site and maybe I will add more about my writing.

2014 September Check-in

Good morning world. I looked at my analytics and it seems like people are still coming to my site, but seem to be looking at the pages with naked pics on them first. Not me, but from the 2012 Naked Bike Ride I participated in back then. It was a lot of fun, but something about this site and what it was set up for has somehow drifted.
photo 1Seems I find it harder and harder to write here and post because I am so busy doing other projects and avoiding some important things I need to be doing. It’s all about avoiding what needs to happen for what I want to happen. I want to live life on my own terms, but the delusion is that my terms are so vague and unsolved that I remain behind this computer lost in my fantasy world.

  1. Burning Man : my theme camp Sun Guardians : for two months before Burning Man in August 2014 I worked on that camp almost full time. Then when I got back I was so lit for fixing the problems of this year and making next year better that I ran full force into re-writing a plan for 2015. [my BM blog]
  2. my Writing : I have been writing since I was a teenager and am pretty damn good…. if I must say so myself. My work is contemporary and filled with colorful characters. I wold love to be published but I have no idea where to start and damn am I ready.
  3. my web sites : 2 burning man sites : : I can spend all the time I have in a day working on those. Hell, look at this site. I redid the whole design for it and the Burning Man part of it in a day.

10620556_1472234099668085_4276812698845279216_nWhat am I avoiding?

  1. job hunting : I need to find something that I can do to earn a living. I have become a red splatter on the pavement of the employed and am only just realizing how wrong I have taken life. Train Wreck. Bad Acid Trip.
  2. place to live : yes, I am currently homeless again. I am crashing with the boyfriend/partner. While it is good to be with him on this level and we are still strong with each other I left my last place because: hated living there, place reeked with mold, and more. I just had to get out of there thinking it would propel me forward… seems I am still stuck in the sling-shot.

I am taking this time to set money aside and do some things in the meantime. I have a month left to start getting some tread and figure out where and who I am. I want out of San Francisco… god yes!!!! Looking at East Bay, Portland, Seattle and maybe maybe Reno.

Full Moon Tonight: New Start?

rp_1538951_10152205688016197_559003127_n-310x150.jpgI made no secret about the self improvement things I have been working on since the beginning of the year. Books, practices and more. I am not faced with putting that into action and actually making something out of my life. It is mother-fucking hard to figure out what is right.
Seems like I feel a lot of resistance in any direction I go in, but I am not unawares that success does come with a price. Nothing, they say, is easy. But a lot of it may have something to so with the way the brain works – connecting to the soul – connecting to the chain that links us all as beings on this planet.

I watched this video twice this week (well the whole movie) on Netflix and have some to a lot of realizations in my thinking that seem to be working against me. If you have seen some of my gripes, many of them are addressed right here in the presentation.

  • my uber-dysfunctional relationship with my father and how I see him as really fucking me up as a human being in my life and the mess I have been seeing myself as…
  • “if it weren’t for bad luck you would not have any luck at all” my mom said to me; not in a mean way but damn if it did not seem like it was true.

So what do I do with that and look forward? How do I resolved to live out whatever is left of my life in a way that is better and stronger and healthier? What is the catalyst to make that happen? part of it is to get over the fucked up shit Jack dealt me growing up and keep driving toward real goals.

  • find out WHAT I am sincerely grateful for
  • decide WHAT I want
  • focus on making those things part of my daily routine; outlook, vision
  • …and then?

I have to change a lot of things and many of them appear on the front of this web site. I have to let go and grab on to new things.

Working it

Just thinking ahead for my plans this year. Although I find it hard to forge time for this blog/diary but it’s a matter of forging what is needed.
Deadline #1 is March 31st / April 1st where we need to decide where we are going. That means C Monster and me. Stay in San Francisco or move on? Stay together or move on? Career? Yes, time for change.
Deadline #2 is September 1st which is my new year anyway. But I will be back from Burning Man which should be my last.
So….those are too big ones. Goals on the other hand are different.
Goal #1 started in the first week of January getting some big bills repaired. This includes my student loans and taxes and so forth.
Goal #2 is taking shape. I owe a lot of people a lot of money and I simply cannot afford to pay people back. Holding me back partially is not being able to pay decent amounts. But…some thing is better than nothing right. So I started collecting mailing addresses and email to set up in my online bill pay.
Goal #3

Bill Collectors

My mom called to say a bill collector looking for me called my biological sister looking for me??? I have not talked or communicated with her in decades.
Insane. I have walked away from some pretty awful family. That is my sister and my father.
Step dad Bob was a better dad than mine ever was. Ugh. See previous posts #father.
Anyhoo. Happy Monday!
Maybe it should also be noted I have no idea what this bill collector could be calling about. Sigh.