Poor Little White Girl! Er, CIS white male whining

It feels wrong to complain about a life that is so blessed. Each time I look at Facebook and want to whine about a miserable moment, I cannot help but think of the myriad of people out there who have real suffering. So, talking about my suffering seems moot. 

Well, that is why I have my own blog site, right? I can moan and whine and wheedle and vomit anything I want because really no one is reading any of this to begin with. 


My biggest problem right now is Anxiety. I have a lot of tools in my bag to deal with this shitty thing, but the one place I cannot fight it is when I am sleeping. My whole night is filled with dreams that produce huge levels of internal anxiety. Damn, stupid dreams with drops of reality to make it that awful. Waking me up abruptly in the middle of the night. Like full sitting up and having to start over with sleep almost every night. 

My social anxiety has actually been a lot more reduced since moving to Las Vegas. Life here has been more relaxed in a lot of ways and having a house, multiple responsibilities around a house with my name on it, and this dumb dog. 

I have a new psychiatrist as of yesterday who wants me to start a new medication that specifically targets Anxiety. How could I say no? And, I can just stop taking it if it does snarly things. I asked him if this will effect my dreams. He said it was unlikely. So, we’ll see. 

Buspirone is primarily used to treat generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). It is an FDA-approved medicine for managing anxiety disorders or the short-term relief of anxiety symptoms. Off-labeled buspirone is used for the augmentation of unipolar depression.


I am literally in pain every day. Like fucking pain. This plays on the brain, the body, the mental well-being. 

My biggest issue is my back, L3 to L5 usually with some issues that are still in debate. I am going in for an MRI this week after waiting for almost two months to get in at the V.A.. 

Next is my feet. OMFG why was I issued these shitty feet…. actually this has been a problem over the last decade. I have to be careful what shoes I buy and what I wear. I started back to work a month ago and was wearing my clogs (which was murder). I switched out to Birkenstocks and it is a lot better. 

Getting out of bed every single day requires a warm up to moving around. The back and the joints are telling me to fuck off. Feet, hips and back. Add to this a weird numbing of my hands and arms because of the position of my shoulders. 

Oh, and my left knee. My tibia keeps shifting out of place and there is arthritis in the same knee. Wearing a knee brace to work everyday has helped a lot!

Bed Time is Hell

So, that’s my truth. It’s been going on for a few years and as much as it is debilitating it cannot be. I can barely bend over most days and dropping something on the ground to pick up is absolute hell. At work, I have to be very careful, but I often have to do things that will result in severe pain in the following few days. I bring a handful of painkillers with me all the time and hope they work. Sigh.


This part of me has been getting the most therapy over the last couple of years. It is a result of sexual assault and childhood trauma. In 2008 I was held down and forced into a situation that opened up a lot of worms from my life of past sexual abuse that snowballed until the PTSD was diagnosed in/about 2019. What a journey.

Mental Health Journey

This has been a long road and the result for me has been monumental… emphasis on Mental. I see mental health issues routinely being used in blanket terms in media and it is maddening. And the lack of awareness of officials and law enforcement is really harmful. 

Take care of yourself and get toxic people out of your life. 

Just taking a moment

There is a lot coming this week with life changes. I am starting a new job, Waffle is finally moving here 100%, and he is also starting his new job. We now need a 2nd car. No one jumped in to help finance the publication of my book. Mental health stuff is taking a new form, having gone through so much to get to a better place. So much.

The original plan was that Waffle was going to move here on August 1st and life would continue from there. It took a lot longer for me to find a job, which was unexpected. It is my own fault because I could have been more proactive and realistic about what I was going to do. I told myself that cooking was going to be my last choice, but I just needed to earn a living and I can cook with one arm behind my back. So, I am going into Hot Kitchen Banquets at one of the bog hotels in the area starting in two days. 

Waffle moving here will be amazing. We have been apart for the better of three months. While in transition, I put a lot of work and effort into this house. I want to make this a home and a place we can host guests and friends. Waffle is not in the same mindset as me, but I like having people over. 

I wasted so much money in my efforts for this house. I would estimate I burned through at least $3k on stupid shit. Worse was the plants I bought for my garden area (backyard) because everything died except 3 plants. And now I want to dig in and do more. But, in a more thoughtful way. So we will see when I can afford that. One of the things I want is a lot of green in the backyard. 

My book fundraising venture seems to have gone off in flames. It’s not a lot of money, but it is more than what I have right now. There are higher priorities with my own money so this venture will have to wait until next year. My only mission right now is to pay credit cards and save some money. 

And my mental shit has been a lot better. This has been a hell of a journey and I think I might write it all down one of these days. 

Brain dump complete. 

Eldritch: What defines family?

I think that one of the things about these stories is the balance between chosen and biological families. As young people come into the world on their own, like Joshua and Caleb, depicted in the ELDRITCH Tales, there is a community that builds with people we feel safe with and might have life long lasting relationships. That, in itself, can become a whirlwind while a young adult tries to figure out the depths and turns of interpersonal relationships and how far they can stretch. 


To help finance and get this book into stores around the world with my self publishing mission click here

Joshua Sean Daugherty

Biologically speaking, Joshua comes from a very dysfunctional space. This is how the book starts off. He basically lost both his parents, but is taken in by a family friend. While Book 1 and 2 dive into the relationship somewhat, it has a tremendous impact on Joshua. Meanwhile, Caleb had a similar origin as well, but dealt with it in a very different vein. Biological relationships are tricky, scary, and are sometimes uncertain. Friends and people surviving beside you make amazing allies.

Caleb Obidemi

Chosen family, like friends from school, or maybe your neighbors, exist in the flow of your life and have to be people you can trust because so much relies on your own personal safety around them. Joshua and Caleb are healthy young men finding their place in the world and become extremely close. Their friendship is platonic and supportive, without the unnecessary intimacy of physicality. It does come into question at a certain point, as Joshua is discovering who he is in his life as a young man. For Caleb, it is never a question, because he has a better sense of self that Joshua is still exploring. 

As the author of this story, part of my background is that I came from a horribly dysfunctional set of parents and a childhood where my memories of my biological family were very dark. I think this reflects in the book, especially in Joshua’s relationship with his dad, who is released from prison near the beginning of the story. Paternal figures here seem to take quite a beating, but that is often the nature of a father-son relationship in my opinion. 

And sexuality really has nothing to do with the story, but I keep in mind that Joshua would probably identify as either asexual or even pansexual. Which means he is not really sex-driven, but more of a romantic mindset. And, he seems to really gravitate toward people he trusts. Coming from his background where his parental relationships were so unreliable it is understandable. His friendships and that trusted circle is the most important thing in the world to him. 

Joshua has to start is biological family relationships all over, including his dad’s reemergence, and meeting surprising relatives that he intersects with in very unsettling ways. He really grows through the three books. 

Raising Money to publish: ELDRITCH Book

My name is Scott Kraske, but I go by Scott Kay, and I have been writing most of my life. ELDRITCH: Tale of the Four Winds is the first book that I have taken to a fully finished place and is ready to go to print. This is more than 10 years of work with a fully fleshed-out idea ready to be shared with the world.

It’s funny how much of my story went into this take on the lives of some amazing characters like these. In this first book, we meet Joshua and Caleb who are in their last year of college and discovering amazing things about themselves and the world they lived in. Imagine, being in a world where monsters and ancient beings coexist.


I have found a partner in Bok Baby (bookbaby.com) to get my book into a downloadable digital format and a Print On Demand format that can be accessed by bookstores all over the world both retail and wholesale.

$3000.00 sees me setup with Book Baby and start getting my book out on the first level.
> I get 100 printed books for use in promoting the book
> Starts getting the book into a system to get them into stores
$1000.00 goes to my own marketing and promotions for books sales
This does not include the debt I took on to hire three editors through Reedsy. I would like to pay those off because they are on credit cards. I am willing to do what I can to make this work successful.

Burning Man: Struggles with Identity

My journey with Burning Man over the last fifteen years has been awesome. There have been a lot of very problematic moments along the way. Often, those moments were less important than the beauty of creating community. But, these problems keep happening and get bigger and the sweetness of what I felt Burning Man stood for has really lost its shine. This is why I find myself pulling back here and there. 

On so many levels, an organization like Burning Man Project and Burning Man LLC, promoting something as huge as what Burning Man had become, is walking on eggshells all the time and has to be mindful of the different tentacles and what they represent. The 10 Principles that define the spine of the community is extremely attractive to all kinds for a variety of reasons. As a Queer CIS Man myself I was attracted to the radical inclusion and community aspect most of all. But, Burning Man is forcing a new series of narratives that are simply not cool:

  • Their RIDE (Radical Inclusion Diversity and Equity) has never really landed IMHO as a queer man, speaking again, about the lack of support from the org for LGBTQAI burners. Right now, when looking at the RIDE pages on BurningMan.Org, there is a hard focus on BIPOC burners and it was verbally stated in a meeting about a focus on deal and blind burners. I wrote about this on Blog.Queerburners.Org and will not labor the whole conversation here. However, it seems clear to me that Burning Man is trying to Commodify BIPOC Burners because they show up better on posters and pictures to prove Burning Man is diverse, where it is definitely not. – My Blog on Queerburners
  • Having joined the Black Rock Rangers in 2022 I was in love with the idea of being a ranger. There is a lot of good to be part of that element. However, even many of those in that community are aware of toxic people acting as rangers and in the last few months I have run into a lot of seriously shitty people working as rangers. I did not ever really do a lot of rangering in the dirt. Circumstances were against me in that area, but shitty attitudes and misogyny have really put me back on the subject. I can focus on the good parts, but there is a part of my soul that reacts with inequity and being a jerk to other people. I wrote about rangering here too: MY Blog on Rangers on Queerburners

My identity has been tied up in my burner life for almost fifteen years now. It will not go away. But, any connection to the BMorg and the event in the Black Rock Desert may be past me at this point. It’s been very hard for a long time. However, this is might be a good time to change what the future looks like. 

What’s so special about Trinity Church?

Trinity Church circa 1920

Check out https://trinitywallstreet.org/ to get the history and details of this great site. What makes this church so special? Well, it is one of the oldest churches in the United States and is the home of a few very famous names from American history. One of whom is Andrew Jackson. 

Well, we know Andrew Jackson is a famous, yet problematic figure, from the core of U.S. history. 

Andrew Jackson, was one of the most influential people of his time. His strong-willed attitude and cruel ambition toward perfecting the American government, in his presidency from 1829 to 1837, created a powerful stance for Jackson and the opinions about him. – edubirdie

Andrew Jackson is no longer very popular, and many of his values are no longer ours. His vision of the “people” had no room for people of color. Some of his attacks on eastern financial elites were a continuation of the Jeffersonian attacks on urban, nationalist, Hamiltonian principles. Jackson’s populism was thus a Trojan horse for pro-slavery, pro-states- rights interests. He was a wealthy slaveholder himself, with no qualms about African-American bondage and deep hostility to abolitionism. – SmithsonianMag

Why focus on Andrew in the scope of this awesome church? Well, there is a huge shadow plucked from history when it came to how African Americans backs were used to build so much of the country, but the history of this church in New York City was a part of that story. 

In New York City, where as much as 20% of its population was once enslaved, the original street of Broadway, the wall that gave Wall Street its name, historic restaurant and bar Fraunces Tavern and Trinity Church were all built using slave labor. – Reuters

“All of the original built environment in New York basically was built with the labor of enslaved people,” said Louise Mirrer, the head of the New York Historical Society. – Reuters

Why Trinity?

Trinity Church of New York was an important site during the American Revolution and the founding era of the United States of America. Originally founded under the charter of King William III of England in 1697, the church has Dutch roots preceding this date, when New York was still known as New Amsterdam. (source MountVernon.Org

Trinity Church, consecrated on Ascension Day 1846, is considered one of the first and finest examples of Neo-Gothic architecture in the United States. With a 281-foot high steeple, Trinity was the tallest building in New York City until 1890. – TrinityWallstreet.Org

It is an amazing space with a rich history and a troubled origin as noted above. Today tourist can visit the site and participate in frequent services. But what drew me to it for ELDRITCH was the visual side of it, but the compelling history was too rich to use a different church. No, even though one of the characters in my story is the Catholic Church/Vatican, Trinity has nothing to do with them. It works in the story giving the Vatican deniability in harboring of a dirty secret hiding in the basement of the ancient church. 

Those problematic notes and the majesty of this location are background to some intrigue that plays out throughout the book. None of it is preachy by any means, but it is a mirror of modern society and how far we have come. And how far we have not come. 

A Critical Moment: Meet Maggie

Margaret Sue-Ellen Jackson was visiting from North Carolina, on a tour of Americas great churches in the Northeast. She is a woman dedicated to her Baptist Church’s celebration of of her Christian beliefs. She was a very special woman who was sensitive to the pain of other people. She discovered the dirty secret hiding in the basement of the Trinity, just past the crypts below, setting something loose on the world that was game changing. 

(Margaret Sue-Ellen Jackson is a fictional character a the basement of the Trinity Church is a fascinating space, but I took some creative license with what is actually down there.) 

Burning Man

This week I decided it was time to declare I was not going to go to Burning Man. Fifteen years into this, I am starting to feel a lot of things about my involvement with the organization and see where it is a really unhealthy relationship. If I were to focus just on being a BRC Ranger, ignoring all the b.s., I would likely be fine. But, that is not how I roll. I hate injustice and hypocrisy so I cannot understand why so many of my fellow humans continue to support an organization that really forget that we (participants) are funding their jobs. They tell us what we need to know and feel and we gladly go along with it. 

And that – ladies and gentlepersons – is why it is time to take a big fat pause and evaluate the organization and decide if this is worth my time and energy.

I bitched about some of these things already, so no reason to rehash that. Go to www.queerburners.org and check out the blog there! I have to step away, because it has been an up hill battle for more years than it should be. Personal safety, discrimination, and commodification of BIPOC participants is just a lo of heavy shit. 

AND, I cannot really afford to go on a lot of levels. The new house, the dog, no job right now, blah blah blah… all reasons not to go and prevent a divorce. So… I leave it at that to let my own needs and wants figure out a better future for myself with the choice of healthier living. Healthier mind, wants, and people. And there ya go. It’s a toxic relationships as it is today. 


It’s been a long minute for a lot of reasons. Most recently my operating files in the background blew up and took a poop on being able to post. I am very grateful to my amazing hosting company who have helped me out of holes for many many years. They take good care of me. I use Mojohost. 

We are all moved in and trying to do lovely things at our new house in Las Vegas (see pics and updates here). Or you could see how this whole year has gone by going here (pics and stuff here). I played some catch up this week and am still making changes here. If anyone is checking this stuff out, thanks! Please feel free to comment and send love and shoutouts. 

Waffles is still working in San Francisco and is commuting and that has been tough. Money has been tough, but I am looking for work but ideally I want to get my writing in front of me so I can make money that way. It’s super tough to be seen in that area. When I talk about my work, people seem very excited or they are really good at faking it. ELDRITCH is ready to go and if I have to self-publish I will. So I am upping my game with social media and seeing what kind of energy I can generate to get it out there. 

Here is some of my other blogs and posts: Queerburners




In my downtime

As usual how I chose to spend my downtime seems to be with a focus on my projects. Downtime is relative now, because I am unemployed as of Thursday. I left my job to make this move to Las Vegas. Alas…

I am still working on my books series for Eldritch and I will say that I keep running into some huge disappointments. I paid close to three thousand dollars or more on editors and am realizing I have been seriously let down. The last Editor might have been just as worthless as the first. Yes, they both helped me on some levels, but I had hoped that through this process I would have a refined book that an agent might see and say – I need to have that. 

No. Not at all. My ego would not see that it was money thrown into a shredder. I have been working on these three books for ten years and am confident I have a good story, but it needs a lot of love and attention. Maybe with details I am not great at seeing. 

I finished the 2nd draft of book 3 this week. Megan is going through Book 2 and making notes for me right now. So, I am going back into Book 1 and touching up details in smaller bites so that I am focused on the path through the landscape in order to fine tune details with things that happen much later in the story. One of these days I will get someone to publish it or do it myself. If I don’t drop dead first… 

January Update

Packing to move

When you are moving you become uncommonly aware of all the crap you have accumulated in your life to this point. In this case, there are two of us and we are mostly handling our own things. So, I am being forced to realize how much crap I actually have to deal with. How much STUFF I have been toting around and never looked at since it landed in that box ten, even fifteen, years ago. 

When I left Las Vegas in 2011, I filled a dumpster with stuff that I discarded and regretted leaving behind. It was really hard to have walked away from some of that stuff. But, stuff is just stuff. My ex and I managed to collect so much. I managed to just keep so much stuff, I promised to clean house when I start unpacking. 

Stay tuned for details. Not that anyone is reading this silly blog. But I guess it gives me a place to ramble on.