Author Archive: scott.kay

Anxiety 2.0

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Mental Health is a curious thing, because so many people have to deal with it every day. Some people are not dealing with it, that is another whole bag of bees. Being open and honest about it will eventually help someone else. Being sensitive to the shit other people are struggling with is also a wonderful and kind thing. There are times when people want to drag me into their own shit and I am a hard-no on that. It’s all about balance. 

I started taking a new med for Anxiety call Buspirone which has been targeting my issues like a laser beam, along with some other things, has helped a lot with my panic attacks and little freakouts. “Fight or Flight” is a big thing with anxiety at my level, to a debilitating point. While on the meds it is as if very little triggers me, not does it make me drowsy or anything like that. I take it eveery 7 hours-ish, 3x/day and it works. 

I get headaches around med time and if I am late, I can feel it physically. Another side is that my tolerance for crowded spaces is not very good at all. I can medicate myself into a place and hang for a while, but I over-did it on Friday and paid for it the next day. When I told a good friend about it he sent me the shitiest message about how it’s all in my head. blink-blink-blink… he later messaged me and apologized. But, that’s how people often see other people with their issues. He self medicates with a shit-ton of pot and that’s not my thing. 

Okay, just wanted to write something… 

Who’s the Bad Guy?

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I think I vented a lot about my immediate “family” and it’s hard to think about since some are gone and some are still around, but almost none of them are engaged with me on any level. So, no one chooses to defend anyone or anything. Some can’t and some know that no one reads this site. (insert shrug icon here – yes I know I typed it out)

I have been closer to my step siblings for a while. My mom really demonized them and some blood family just took that and ran with it. I’m not saying that the perception wasn’t there and some of that wasn’t earned. But, people change and grow. AND, I will emphasize, they were trying to protect their own. Bob’s kids really wanted to make sure he was okay and something of his legacy remained, but that was all taken away. There are some super crazy stories that have new context after Sallie passed on. (insert icon here, too)

My family is chosen. My family is finally at a place where I feel like I have people that matter more than a long time. I have made my own stupid choices and still make them, but I can look around right now and say… these people matter. My hubby, my closer circle here in Vegas, and a few satellite people out in the universe that we help pay attention to each other. I even have a few co-workers that watch my back, and that’s fucking awesome. 

My biological family was never that. There is a good game talked, but no. 

I read over the previous two posts and wondered what the follow up to those might be, and this is what it came into. I don’t have any bad feelings, because there were never there. They popped up occasionally, but it never served me. It was for my mom or whatever, but I was always the outsider of that product. Yes, some of it is by my own drama. But, I’m past all that shit now. So, seeya. 

Family Matters

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I never finished my whole thought from my previous post. You can see with #family drama and subjects like #jack or  #sallie or #lynn (see side column) for what is likely years of how this subject in particular has shaped me. My immediate family was never close, to my knowledge. Even my parents were never really functional, but they divorced as I was barely (if) a teen. I know that happened when I was twelve or thirteen. My sister Lynn and I have been oil and water growing up for a lot of reasons. None of them were her fault, I feel like I can say, but her and I were just the result of our parents. 

I was almost 5 when this was taken. Me and my mom. Back when I think things were good.

These days it only comes back in reflection of ‘what could’ve been’ and I often ask myself what could have been different. What could have made us a close family? I’m no sure there is an answer, but I pondered it a lot over the years:

  • IF my parents never moved away from Illinois and stayed close to extended family…
  • IF I wasn’t a goofy, queer kid growing up adding stress to an already stressed family…
  • …so many IFs

I think the person I am has a lot of my mom and dad in me. I think I got their worst traits for the most part, the things that drove them apart from each other, but have come to form an identity that is really my own at my grand old age of 60 now. My mom passed away 2.5 years ago, and as far as I know, my dad is still alive out there somewhere. 

I have not talked to my sister in any way that was not pure anger on her part in thirty years. She doesn’t know me at all, but she is really blessed with a good husband and some beautiful kids. Other than that we have no connection to each other. 

My mom and I had an argument a year before she died, that put my sister Lynn in the middle of us, and mom ended up alone in a care facility for that time because she lost her house and and could not afford to be on her own. It was all we could do to get her settled somewhere, and I am sure it was heartbreaking. It was for me, anyway, because she passed 2 days after her birthday alone. My sister was freezing her out for some reason. 

And as for my dad, I spent my teen years in his house and it was not good. There never has been anything healthy between us. I was always the kid with the horn coming out of his forehead that was never good enough. I mean, this relationship has been the source of most of my therapy over the years. New things come up here and there that come out of the abyss of things and harm this man did to me growing up. 

It may not sound like it, mostly because I am just venting here, but I came to a conclusion years ago: at a certain age in life you can no longer blame your parents for your problems. It came from a Robert Kawasaki book called “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” I read a hundred years ago. All I can do is try and sort through the mess and make sense of it for me. I can also let go of the past once I put it in order so I can focus on the present. Sigh… 

Daddy Issues

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I will say that this year has started off great. I turned 60 a few weeks ago and it feels like over the last four months or so that life has taken a turn. Only in good ways, I will say, all of them I am grateful for. Family has taken on a stronger meaning… chosen family versus biological family.  It has been on my mind a lot, too. My biological family has been a mess most of my life and the chaos and loathing in it has been hard on me. I know none of them have had an easy life, but it feels as if it has been one unhealthy turn after another. 

Dad and last wife

My parents did their best, I think. That is to say, they only operated within their ability and tried to better than their parents. Only in hindsight can I look back and see that there was dysfunction that went on for generations. Most of my mom’s family (brothers mostly) were drag addicts and drunks. My dad’s family was always a bit of a mystery to me, but I know my dad grew up angry at his dad (who died way too young from alcoholism I believe). I knew grand parents, but great grandparents were generally really nice people.  Hard to say where things went wrong… the 1960’s with all that free love and bullshit – right? 

My dad and I were never on he same page and I saw my time as a kid as one horrible experience after another. I could fill a book with the crazy shit that man put me through, of which I have gone through years of therapy, and can only come to terms with on my own. Like I said above, he operated with what he had. The list of shit he pulled on me is long and deep, things that fuck a kids head, like hard… but there are islands of good in there it’s hard to measure with the rest of it. 

My mom

My mom was complicated and had a lot of screwed up ideas about life. I took to a lot of her thinking, which is not a bonus. 

Both of them married badly after divorcing when I was thirteen. Well, maybe my dad did get it right with the last one. But, sadly I heard she passed away. She was a lovely person. But wife #2 and #3. Hmph

I can’t get too much further into this right now. I had no idea I was going to go down this path. This started off as something else and went here…. I think this has been on my mind. 

Burning Man 2024 – No, I didn’t go this time… but

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These guys from the UK make fun videos and this came on my feed this morning and as I watched it there were tears. Behind those feels were a variety of emotions recalling the wonder of Burning Man in my time. I went to Burning Man from 2009 to 2022 every year and actively participated in the community from start to finish. But, the overwhelming reason I had to step out was because it felt incredibly lonely and isolating. 

Someone just pointed out that while I was in this community I was running a theme camp, I was a ranger for a little while, and I actively promoted events and things at the burn. I was actively engaged in other events with a lot of friends, but few understand how lonely I really was. One of my closest friends and I had an argument one night and that was a back-breaker for me. Friends who promised to be there for me ended up really hurting me. It’s true that these kinds of commitments between humans are really tested out there and if the bonds are not strong, healed, or unbreakable then they are likely doomed. I made choices… 

Would I go back to the burn. If the circumstances are in alignment I will go back in 2025 one last time. I will ranger. I will only go with people I can trust. I will not run a theme camp. I will go as a tourist with exceptions. 

I am certain that Burning Man is a long burning flame and is probably nearing it’s eventual end. The cost of going is just beyond reason both financially and physically. There is a lot that has changed over time and because of the stratospheric expense, most regular humans cannot go. It’s just unreachable and the ethos is tarnished by greed and instagram…. and yes YouTube. 

Anxiety is driving me nuts

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There are those of us who cringe at the idea of going to bed. It’s a great reward for a lot of people who work hard every day and look forward to those hours of sweet, sweet dreams. Not me. My nights are more often than not like sleeping with my high school bully (and not in the good way). Yeah, today was an example of that. 

Today’s stage is brought to you by my loving partner who needed me to take him to the airport this morning at 5am. I am (and was) happy to do that. I crawled back into bed when I got home, but it was hard falling asleep. Insomnia is a relatively new monster, but I did at some point manage to drift off. And here is how it went…

The Dream

We were in our home (I think my partner and I) and I was trying to cook. A guy came in and kept trying to knock me over. He was a good looking Hispanic dude (like right out of East L.A., he reminded me a lot of a guy I know [Raul]). Eventually he stopped, but thought he was freakin’ funny. 

Next, I remember us in our car driving to the hospital for some reason. I was driving and we were on a narrow road that was dirt and a single lane and a woman in a white pickup was trying to beat me on the road and trying to force me off the road. It was a short segment. 

We arrived at a hospital and were on the 6th floor with my partner, Archer (my dog) and a second big dog that was black or dark gray. My partner and I went to the elevator and left the dogs on the 6th floor. We called the elevator and it did not come. A FedEx driver came over, waved his badge and the elevator came right away. 

If something happened in between I have no idea. But, me and my partner were in the elevator and it was the size of a bedroom. There were several people in this room/elevator waiting to go wherever and we needed badly to get back to the sixth floor. All the buttons were animal patterns. Yes, I recall a couple of them being giraffes in digital images. I tried calling for help, nothing. Someone here was trying to knock me over too. We were stuck, and I could see a lot of people acting like this was normal. But then, a FedEx driver came over and waived is badge and we were moving again. 

Dream Over – whah whah

I know I woke with a start, like almost sitting up. And I could remember this dream the whole day. I related it to the CMonster today and kept going over the details in my mind like there had to be some meaning in there anywhere. 

This article:  “Anxiety Dreams Are a Thing — Here’s How to Cope” tried to offer some sense to it, but who wants to make sense? 

The real stress is my day job is really letting me down and hours have been non-existent for 3 weeks now. CMonster is working his ass off and I am putting my energy into these books where I should be looking for a new source of income. That’s on me and that is the guilt and shame I am feeling that I am not bringing in the cash needed. Oh sigh. 

Time for some T

I take medication for my anxiety in a few forms. Psychiatrists are very liberal and literally dangerous with a prescription pad because twice they tried to put me on SSRI or SSI’s that fucked my brain. Like, serious fucked my perception of the world. YOU ABSOLUTELY have to be an advocate and voice for your own well-being. 

Anyway, so there is a medication that targets anxiety without all the other brain-fuckery. I am taking Buspirone 10 mg and 15 mg before bed (which sometimes helps). It’s not great unless you are paying a lot of attention to your dosage. It makes me stupid if I have too much in my system. But damn this shui has got me through a lot. 

I hate taking pills but this has been good for me. I require a lot less of other med preventing panic attacks. 

My anxiety is debilitating and really messes with my relationship to the world. I have pulled in to myself quite a bit. I am really an extroverted-introvert these days but I miss a lot of the stuff I used to do. 

Anyway, like and comment! 

Eldritch Updates

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So, I am always working on this stuff. I really have given a lot of years to this project and am very intimate with it. I am ready to give birth and give it legs, but keep finding new barriers. Imagine thinking that maybe the universe is telling me no. I can’t imagine, or even accept, that this was not my destiny. To write and create and do more. But starting this late in life is not impossible but hard as hell by any standard. 

I have created www.scottkay.me for my author page and will launch www.eldritchtv.com in the near future with some pretty cool updates. Remember back when I posted what my characters would look like if they were realized? Link here to previous post… well I discovered Ai images. So I played with them for a lot of characters in book 1 and 2. Ai is really racist btw… or enforces stereotypes that I am not in love with but basically filtered a lot out. 

Caleb
Enoch
Fiona
Joshua

These are Ai images i created using an interface for lack of existing images I wanted representing the characters in my book. These are among my leads, but maybe you noticed the stunning looking male figure on the cover of this, being my main protagonist. 

Images from Microsoft Designer

I made a lot more and if I can manage to make all of them I want, they will appear on the Eldritch website. 

Should I go ahead and publish the first 4 chapters of my book on the internet to get word out there? I am wondering if I should. Anyway, feel free to hit me up and say hi. 

A quick update

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I keep telling myself to post here more often, but I am not sure anyone is reading any of this anyway. A friend of mine is starting his own series soon called #RandyTales and his partner is #GoddessTales and I can’t wait to read more. But for now… this is me. 

I have lost 25 #s since the beginning of the year and it is as if no one noticed. Yes, I still have a way to go, and am determined to lose another 25#s, but CMonster is asking me not to go much further. He’s afraid I will look older with less fat. Which in some cases might be true, but my body is in a happy place. I lost 25#s of mass on my body, but I have gained at least 10 or more #s of muscle. I went out, took my shirt off, and was confident (and got lucky) when I went out last weekend. My demon is the chin waggle and I hate it. 

I will post pics when I can. I am barely making this post right now. But, I will say it sucks that it look so long for anyone to say anything and I had to prompt a response. 

Why not tell me it looks like I am losing weight, I ask. Am I that unapproachable? Even at a pool party, nothing. I am not skinny… but a lot less bulky and have more of that to go. But, damn what a difference from 255 at Christmas and <230 now. Gym, food and hard choices… the only way to do it. Ugh.

Medications

I am taking Orlistat to loose weight btw. I neglected to mention that part which has been really helpful because fat (not sugar) is my demon. I don’t even eat that much, but the kind of foods are the bog factor. Hot weather helps. 

I am also taking a strong anti anxiety med that makes life hard to navigate and also helps so shit. More on that another day…. this was just a qucik update. 

Agent Search

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So, the process of looking for a literary agent is stressful. I sent my stuff to one yesterday and one today after a lot of scrutiny over the text. I am prone to typos and missing small details that it takes several attempts to review and fix. Sometimes my language sucks, ask anyone around me. 

I’m scared and nervous about it. I even signed up for a seminar this week about writing the perfect query letter. And it helped, but I think she wanted to see her services pretty badly and I was not having it. Thanks, but no thanks. I will share my query letter below:

ELDRITCH CRUSADE: Tale of the Four Winds is for readers who love monsters and gothic tomes featuring supernatural beings in a story of colorful intrigue and personal growth. Ultimately it is a story about family and chosen family with a touch of death and dismemberment. It just so happens that the leads are a young witch, a necromancer, vampire, and a Nephilim. There is a climate of uneasiness and inter-species cultural and political dynamics among witches, monsters, and more, that forge alliances as they become embattled by a common enemy who we were taught are supposed to be the good guys – the angels.  I chose an unusual adversary who imposes ideologies on communities that were already established, using colonialism as the base of the story.

I hired three editors through Reedsy, in different capacities that included formatting, story development, copy editing and proofreading.

The book is 137,121 words and 431 pages long. Category: Commercial Fantasy/Fiction.

This is currently a trilogy and each book raises the stakes for our heroes, from young men to masters of their arts in magic, to defy extremely powerful forces with the odds set against them.

I am inspired by writers like Anne Rice, Dan Brown, and Steven Saylor for the way they developed unusual characters and made them interesting and admirable, even if they were killers and underdogs

Well, there it is. I changed the title to ELDRITCH CRUSADE because it seemed to fit. There is a whole universe of ideas in this world that can be used in the future. So a franchise is not out of the question. I am so excited about this and have spent 12 years making it what it is. 

Heart Break and Self Doubt

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I have been struggling a long time with who I am and where I want to go in life. At 59 years of age, most people have those questions settled. The vision of who I think I am and how the world responds to me is as different as the shores of an ocean. The gap feels that wide sometimes. I have not always been a good friend to some people and my loyalty to many has been trashed more times than I could count. The truth is also that I have learned a lot about myself in the last fifteen years and have tried to alter that to be as true and honest and good as possible. But, it does not always work. 

I get point of my reflections came when I had some diagnosis for PTSD and severe anxiety. Game Changer. Like, serious game changer to understand my behavior and why I am the way I am. That came around 2018/19 or something like that. So, not that long ago. Fortunately, we were moving into a world where people were having more empathy and compassion for people with issues like those. Sadly, not everyone is on board. And because everyone seems to be suffering from anxiety and is self medicating the rest of us get swept under the rug as being weak or broken and not worthy.  So freaking frustrating when people you love and care for have no sense of what it means to be in that bubble. 

Just curiously I did a search on this site to see what entries I made about this before like this mental health search and anxiety and PTSD with a lot of overlap. (Note: I saw references to my other blogs which are all contained in this version now). 

The Reason for this Post

Anyway, the impetus of this post is about a friend who said some very unfriendly things about me and I am still reeling after a month or more. I Invited someone to stay with me in my home who I loved dearly but was worrying that our friendship was being tested. I took off work for the days he and two of his friends were visiting and spent a lot of time with them to see if it was real or my imagination. To me, the weekend was absolutely fantastic on every level. There was some subtle drama here and there, but it did not seem to have anything to do with me. 

On our last evening out, he suddenly turned on me and said a lot of really mean things. Critical feedback is one thing, but this was really ugly and mean. Exactly a minute before his attack on me, I was thinking: “Wow, I loved our time together this weekend! Our friendship is solid,” I said to myself. Then – blamo. 

We went back to the house. I said nothing. I went up to my bedroom and closed the door and gently let that content pass through me. He came up and started to apologize, but then he dug his heels in deeper. I told him I was not ready to say anything about what he said. I mentioned that nothing he said was kind, helpful, or caring that I needed time to process the information. So, the next morning, calmly we talked. I asked him to let me say what I needed to say. He did and was unapologetic and that was that. 

I called him a week or two later and he dug in. It was the moment when I felt a little crack in my heart. 

When is “I love you, Scott” a weapon and not an honest expression? 

The bigger picture is more messy and would involve me sharing things I can’t. But people around this friend were also letting him down and maybe I got the blowback from it. Maybe I was simply not a good friend. If that is the case then all I can say is thank you for the memories and goodbye. This person was there in a handful of my happiest moments in life. We shared a handful of amazing memories, mostly tied to our mutual Burning Man experiences. 

Karma is Real

Some who read this, if at all, might know of several circumstances in my life that I was not a good friend. At least one of them was really high profile. Karma –  

“Hinduism identifies karma as the relationship between a person’s mental or physical action and the consequences following that action. It also signifies the consequences of all the actions of a person in their current and previous lives and the chain of cause and effect in morality.”

A person can change their Karma through acts of kindness and empathy. I have been trying a lot harder over the years. I have a lot of regrets and letting them go is really hard. I still think about them in the context that: though I cannot change the past I can do better moving forward. If there is a chance to heal the past then it has to flow into my path and through in order to keep moving ahead, because going backward is not going to work for anyone. A bunch of AA people are turning in their graves with that one. 

Melissa, Me, Brian, and Ron

To Melissa**, Grant*, Keith, Eloy, Adolfo and more I ask your forgiveness – because when I knew you I was not ready for what that relationship meant. Did I miss anyone? 

*Grant sent me a friend request this week on Facebook and we had a short conversation. It was nice. 

**I see Melissa around every here and there and she looks super annoyed I am in the same space she is in. Her and I went through a super dark breakup. Our friendship was pretty special in it’s day, but there was some super dark moments I had to separate myself from. Then some assholes stirred up some drama and pulled me into that caused it all to explode. It played out huge at a Leadership gathering in SF before I moved there in front of everyone. Super crazy. I have since learned more details and – wow. I do not expect the relationship to be repaired but the blast radius was huge and there is still radiation.