Burning Man: Struggles with Identity

My journey with Burning Man over the last fifteen years has been awesome. There have been a lot of very problematic moments along the way. Often, those moments were less important than the beauty of creating community. But, these problems keep happening and get bigger and the sweetness of what I felt Burning Man stood for has really lost its shine. This is why I find myself pulling back here and there. 

On so many levels, an organization like Burning Man Project and Burning Man LLC, promoting something as huge as what Burning Man had become, is walking on eggshells all the time and has to be mindful of the different tentacles and what they represent. The 10 Principles that define the spine of the community is extremely attractive to all kinds for a variety of reasons. As a Queer CIS Man myself I was attracted to the radical inclusion and community aspect most of all. But, Burning Man is forcing a new series of narratives that are simply not cool:

  • Their RIDE (Radical Inclusion Diversity and Equity) has never really landed IMHO as a queer man, speaking again, about the lack of support from the org for LGBTQAI burners. Right now, when looking at the RIDE pages on BurningMan.Org, there is a hard focus on BIPOC burners and it was verbally stated in a meeting about a focus on deal and blind burners. I wrote about this on Blog.Queerburners.Org and will not labor the whole conversation here. However, it seems clear to me that Burning Man is trying to Commodify BIPOC Burners because they show up better on posters and pictures to prove Burning Man is diverse, where it is definitely not. – My Blog on Queerburners
  • Having joined the Black Rock Rangers in 2022 I was in love with the idea of being a ranger. There is a lot of good to be part of that element. However, even many of those in that community are aware of toxic people acting as rangers and in the last few months I have run into a lot of seriously shitty people working as rangers. I did not ever really do a lot of rangering in the dirt. Circumstances were against me in that area, but shitty attitudes and misogyny have really put me back on the subject. I can focus on the good parts, but there is a part of my soul that reacts with inequity and being a jerk to other people. I wrote about rangering here too: MY Blog on Rangers on Queerburners

My identity has been tied up in my burner life for almost fifteen years now. It will not go away. But, any connection to the BMorg and the event in the Black Rock Desert may be past me at this point. It’s been very hard for a long time. However, this is might be a good time to change what the future looks like. 

What’s so special about Trinity Church?

Trinity Church circa 1920

Check out https://trinitywallstreet.org/ to get the history and details of this great site. What makes this church so special? Well, it is one of the oldest churches in the United States and is the home of a few very famous names from American history. One of whom is Andrew Jackson. 

Well, we know Andrew Jackson is a famous, yet problematic figure, from the core of U.S. history. 

Andrew Jackson, was one of the most influential people of his time. His strong-willed attitude and cruel ambition toward perfecting the American government, in his presidency from 1829 to 1837, created a powerful stance for Jackson and the opinions about him. – edubirdie

Andrew Jackson is no longer very popular, and many of his values are no longer ours. His vision of the “people” had no room for people of color. Some of his attacks on eastern financial elites were a continuation of the Jeffersonian attacks on urban, nationalist, Hamiltonian principles. Jackson’s populism was thus a Trojan horse for pro-slavery, pro-states- rights interests. He was a wealthy slaveholder himself, with no qualms about African-American bondage and deep hostility to abolitionism. – SmithsonianMag

Why focus on Andrew in the scope of this awesome church? Well, there is a huge shadow plucked from history when it came to how African Americans backs were used to build so much of the country, but the history of this church in New York City was a part of that story. 

In New York City, where as much as 20% of its population was once enslaved, the original street of Broadway, the wall that gave Wall Street its name, historic restaurant and bar Fraunces Tavern and Trinity Church were all built using slave labor. – Reuters

“All of the original built environment in New York basically was built with the labor of enslaved people,” said Louise Mirrer, the head of the New York Historical Society. – Reuters

Why Trinity?

Trinity Church of New York was an important site during the American Revolution and the founding era of the United States of America. Originally founded under the charter of King William III of England in 1697, the church has Dutch roots preceding this date, when New York was still known as New Amsterdam. (source MountVernon.Org

Trinity Church, consecrated on Ascension Day 1846, is considered one of the first and finest examples of Neo-Gothic architecture in the United States. With a 281-foot high steeple, Trinity was the tallest building in New York City until 1890. – TrinityWallstreet.Org

It is an amazing space with a rich history and a troubled origin as noted above. Today tourist can visit the site and participate in frequent services. But what drew me to it for ELDRITCH was the visual side of it, but the compelling history was too rich to use a different church. No, even though one of the characters in my story is the Catholic Church/Vatican, Trinity has nothing to do with them. It works in the story giving the Vatican deniability in harboring of a dirty secret hiding in the basement of the ancient church. 

Those problematic notes and the majesty of this location are background to some intrigue that plays out throughout the book. None of it is preachy by any means, but it is a mirror of modern society and how far we have come. And how far we have not come. 

A Critical Moment: Meet Maggie

Margaret Sue-Ellen Jackson was visiting from North Carolina, on a tour of Americas great churches in the Northeast. She is a woman dedicated to her Baptist Church’s celebration of of her Christian beliefs. She was a very special woman who was sensitive to the pain of other people. She discovered the dirty secret hiding in the basement of the Trinity, just past the crypts below, setting something loose on the world that was game changing. 

(Margaret Sue-Ellen Jackson is a fictional character a the basement of the Trinity Church is a fascinating space, but I took some creative license with what is actually down there.) 

Burning Man

This week I decided it was time to declare I was not going to go to Burning Man. Fifteen years into this, I am starting to feel a lot of things about my involvement with the organization and see where it is a really unhealthy relationship. If I were to focus just on being a BRC Ranger, ignoring all the b.s., I would likely be fine. But, that is not how I roll. I hate injustice and hypocrisy so I cannot understand why so many of my fellow humans continue to support an organization that really forget that we (participants) are funding their jobs. They tell us what we need to know and feel and we gladly go along with it. 

And that – ladies and gentlepersons – is why it is time to take a big fat pause and evaluate the organization and decide if this is worth my time and energy.

I bitched about some of these things already, so no reason to rehash that. Go to www.queerburners.org and check out the blog there! I have to step away, because it has been an up hill battle for more years than it should be. Personal safety, discrimination, and commodification of BIPOC participants is just a lo of heavy shit. 

AND, I cannot really afford to go on a lot of levels. The new house, the dog, no job right now, blah blah blah… all reasons not to go and prevent a divorce. So… I leave it at that to let my own needs and wants figure out a better future for myself with the choice of healthier living. Healthier mind, wants, and people. And there ya go. It’s a toxic relationships as it is today. 

Updates

It’s been a long minute for a lot of reasons. Most recently my operating files in the background blew up and took a poop on being able to post. I am very grateful to my amazing hosting company who have helped me out of holes for many many years. They take good care of me. I use Mojohost. 

We are all moved in and trying to do lovely things at our new house in Las Vegas (see pics and updates here). Or you could see how this whole year has gone by going here (pics and stuff here). I played some catch up this week and am still making changes here. If anyone is checking this stuff out, thanks! Please feel free to comment and send love and shoutouts. 

Waffles is still working in San Francisco and is commuting and that has been tough. Money has been tough, but I am looking for work but ideally I want to get my writing in front of me so I can make money that way. It’s super tough to be seen in that area. When I talk about my work, people seem very excited or they are really good at faking it. ELDRITCH is ready to go and if I have to self-publish I will. So I am upping my game with social media and seeing what kind of energy I can generate to get it out there. 

Here is some of my other blogs and posts: Queerburners

 

 

 

In my downtime

As usual how I chose to spend my downtime seems to be with a focus on my projects. Downtime is relative now, because I am unemployed as of Thursday. I left my job to make this move to Las Vegas. Alas…

I am still working on my books series for Eldritch and I will say that I keep running into some huge disappointments. I paid close to three thousand dollars or more on editors and am realizing I have been seriously let down. The last Editor might have been just as worthless as the first. Yes, they both helped me on some levels, but I had hoped that through this process I would have a refined book that an agent might see and say – I need to have that. 

No. Not at all. My ego would not see that it was money thrown into a shredder. I have been working on these three books for ten years and am confident I have a good story, but it needs a lot of love and attention. Maybe with details I am not great at seeing. 

I finished the 2nd draft of book 3 this week. Megan is going through Book 2 and making notes for me right now. So, I am going back into Book 1 and touching up details in smaller bites so that I am focused on the path through the landscape in order to fine tune details with things that happen much later in the story. One of these days I will get someone to publish it or do it myself. If I don’t drop dead first… 

January Update

Packing to move

When you are moving you become uncommonly aware of all the crap you have accumulated in your life to this point. In this case, there are two of us and we are mostly handling our own things. So, I am being forced to realize how much crap I actually have to deal with. How much STUFF I have been toting around and never looked at since it landed in that box ten, even fifteen, years ago. 

When I left Las Vegas in 2011, I filled a dumpster with stuff that I discarded and regretted leaving behind. It was really hard to have walked away from some of that stuff. But, stuff is just stuff. My ex and I managed to collect so much. I managed to just keep so much stuff, I promised to clean house when I start unpacking. 

Stay tuned for details. Not that anyone is reading this silly blog. But I guess it gives me a place to ramble on. 

Announcement: We are moving to Las Vegas as Homeowners!!!

This has been in the works since March, but we bought a lovely house in Las Vegas and will be moving there in the month of May to start our new life. I am glad to be going back and reconnecting with a lot of old friends and be a part of a network of friends that I have sorely missed. While I know a lot of people there, my partner is not as familiar with people. But, we are luck to have some good friends close by. Right around the corner, another couple we know really well and love, live as our new neighbors. 

This year has been a huge change for me and I am hoping it is a solid direction for what is left of my time on this planet. We got married on February 6th as part of this process to get this house and really start building this life as we want. Since we inche toward the final steps of this process I have been furnishing and planning everything in my head. It’s gunna look way cute if I can get it out of my head and in the house. 

The furniture shown in these images from Zillow are all staged in the strangest ways. I have some ideas for the house and a lot of things I want to make happen for it while we live there. Time for our next 5 year plan.

When we got married it was part of this decision. This process started around the end of January and has taken this long to close. We signed the final papers this morning and submitted closing costs and will have keys this week.

The fact today is May Day is even more special, because it is a day for new beginnings. It’s a day for reflection, memories, and taking bold new steps in life. So glad. So grateful.

The Cart before the Horse

My mode of operation (the olde M.O.) is usually to put the cart before the horse as demonstrated below. We started the process of buying a house a few weeks ago at this point and since then I have already shopped all the furniture, placemats for the table, the two dogs I plan on getting, and today I purchased a security system for it. I mean, the paperwork is not signed until the end of this week. 

I am excited and anticipating when I can tell the world about the amazing changes coming into our lives. This year has been pretty stellar and it has to be said, that it is a huge leap from some pretty traumatic years in the past. For example, 2018 was a year of breaking down and just breaking. 2019 was a step higher, but really was tough, but ended well. And it’s only been getting better since. Not sure I need to talk about those years on this post. I will see what the history says. Maybe I will write about it in another post. 

So, now we think about the move. The new stress ball in  my life, picking up one household and moving it to another. A bigger, giant wooly mammoth in the desert. It is a place to create and grow in new ways. That is really what this year has been!

This is the Year of the Steele Rabbit. When I read about the year, it is a year of growth and wealth. Next year is the Year of the Wood Dragon, which is my year. It should be a very successful year for me. And for those of you who poo poo astrology, you’re wrong. It’s up to you to see how it all links together and tough-noogies if you can’t be bothered. 

Anyway, I will share the new information when all the ink is dry. 

Buying a House

We have been working this year on a lot of things to set our future together. Getting married was just a step that was good for a variety of reasons. It has made us stronger together. It has created a new way of looking at what were doing and cementing in the thing that we are in this whole thing together. 

The process has been surprisingly easy, with the folks who re working our financing. My realtor has also been good to work with and I appreciate him a lot. Things feel scary as we have been investing in the idea of moving. It is right around the corner for dear friends. It is in a community I have missed so much. 

The levels of stress this week have also been super insane. Ugh. My brain hurts.

Got Murried

I just noticed that the last post I made was Feb 1st, but considering CMonster/Waffle and I got married on Feb. 6th there seems to be a missed opportunity there. AND, since then we went on a wirlwind vacation to Europe and put the pics from all that over on the Gallery Section. Anyway, the wedding was at Oakland City Hall and keeping it simple was the right thing to do. My sister Christine and niece Lacey were both there to make the day extra special. 

Waffle (as he prefers to be known these days) took a while to get there, but getting married was part of setting up our future and in line with future plans we had. So much has happened this year! So much seems to be changing. I am very excited and scared for the evolution headed my way this year. 

I will try and share more. Journaling is really good for me. I have been writing in a hand written journal for therapeutical reasons, but there is a lot I could be sharing here. 

Cya!