Author Archive: scott.kay

Where am I?

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I just wrote a post on my BM blog. It was something stuck in my head that I hoped by putting it there would help. I am struggling a lot with my place in the world and how to keep plotting around through it. I have been disappointed in people my whole life beginning with my own family. My biological father and my biological sister are 2 huge flares in my past.

Blah blah blah… I am 55 years old now and have put all this drama from my younger years in the appropriate bins and try not to open Pandoras Box when I can. I made some great accomplishments this year though:

  • CMonster and I struggled through 2018 and after some counseling we got into a great space.
  • Starting in September 2019 I started treatment for PTSD that brought a lot of things into focus; it wrapped up at a key point in March/April.

None the less, I still have work to do for myself. I struggle very hard with it as well. And sometimes things crack. This stuff with Covid-19 and BLM have weighed heavier.

I guess I am just rifting….

No one is reading any of this shit anyway. Its a long road to anything meaningful here. I am just so tired. I am just so worn out. I am tired of people fucking me over. I am just tired.

A long way away … Happy Anniversary

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I was raised by a racist. A man who used the “N” word as comfortably as he breathed. I was also weened on television that painted racial stereotypes, queer and trans identities, with mockery and insensitivity. When I moved to San Francisco 9 years ago today I also entered a world that challenged me about everything and every human. I love people of all types and since being here I learned to love them more in a way that better respects our differences. I am still shocked about how much racism I see even here. Entitlement and privilege have taken on new meeting. I hesitate to say much or because I do not feel I have the right to. I have no bone in that fight. But a sign I saw said white silence = violence. I stand squarely with the rights for people to be pissed off. And their right to share that rage with people who are not paying attention. Another sign said that “you will not tell me how to grieve” and I understand and get out of the way of that. I got called a racist last week and I felt the wind sucked out of me… cold water through my veins; because I misunderstood something someone said in context. None of it is about me. I am celebrating 9 years here in the Bay Area … and it has bothered me that I have not found a way to contribute to this story. This is not permission. It is silent witness to something that strikes at my core in a way that is different than the way it may have effected you. I see people I care for who are people of color who struggle during this time. So I try my best to be better – and maybe that will help on some level.

Feeling it

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I have no friends. Well, I do but they are all so far away. This really sucks that I am alone in that area. While C Monster is very important to me there are people missing in my life right now that are beyond my relationship.
In San Francisco I am alone… and I feel it intensely some times. I know at least a thousand people here and no one to hang out with. Some people seem like they could be there but they are not. Maybe I am too thick to see them?
The thing is I have worked really hard on cultivating some things here, but the friendships have been based on the wrong things. I had a friend named Victor who left me in the dust. Repeat several times and insert the names JJ, Jaden, Mark and more into that slot and the story repeats itself.
I have left friends before. Only when I saw them hurting themselves or other people and I could not be a part of that. That was my call. I did it with my parents before they went into recovery. I did it to people I was closest to. But that took strength.
I am alone. In a room full of people I am alone. I wish I had something better to write

Welcome back stranger… you’re fucked

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I have not been using this thing in a while. I kinda forgot about it for the most part. The thing is that over the last year I have been very conscience of the weight I have gained and the confines of my living situation with my bf.
There has been a lot of life hitting me in the face. Jobless – again. Dealing with a drunk – again. Life is just been a weird spinning ball of piss.
Done with the Debbie-Downer stuff now. On the positive note I went to my first Alanon meeting last week and found it eye-opening. I thought I was going for one reason and discovered there were other ones too. I heard voices from the people there and realized they were saying some of the same things I had to say as well.
The thing is that years of therapy and conscience has risen me above blame and dependence, but not free of my own shadows. It’s vague but it means something to me. Not that anyone is paying attention to this blog to begin with.
Thinking about why I severed my relationship with my father today… I remember how he thought it was because he would not give me money when I asked for it. I remember what it was like realizing that he would never see me more than an annoyance in his life.
There is plenty about the past on here already. I am tired of dealing with my past, with him, with whatever damage is in my own psyche. I have no one to blame but myself. Everyone has some form of fucked up childhood and those that don’t are really fucked up adults.

Coming out of the gray clouds

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I am trying something new. I am trying to be more present in the moment. I am trying to let go of a wrecked past with a father that I grew up with dastardly past. I am trying not to focus on the things that haunt me:

  • rp_n716785438_2386663_7043742.jpgthe things that life has wronged me with
  • the things I am missing out
  • the shiny object in the corner

In other words there are operative words in the first paragraph that were paramount: staying in the present.
I found that I felt lighter in the present when I stop fussing in my own head about all the things that are going wrong in my life. I consider myself a ‘glass-half-full’ person but that seemed to be masking a Debbie-Downer that lives at the core of my being.
Frankly, I hate seeing anyone stuck in the mode of a black cloud over their heads. I would love to see someone finding their path of light. I would seek to help that person find their light all the while ignoring my own. But maybe it is time to pause and figure it out.
The NPR posts I made yesterday here on this site and on Broken Wifi [dot] Com are a glimpse into what I am trying to do to better myself. These words make sense to me. I even listen to some of the posts by Rich Dad Poor Dad that inspire and  create new thinking.
To stop growing is death. To stop dreaming is to stop living.

New Neuro Pathways

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Been spending some time thinking a lot about what makes me – me – in the now. My bf and I were traveling this last weekend and one of the things we like to do is listen to pod casts and a lot of them have to do with understanding money. If I could share some of the RICH DAD – poor dad series on here I would… one of them was particularly eye opening.
But, we did have two TED Talk pod casts we discovered and I saved two section here on my site:

If you took the time to listen to one or both I would love to know what you think. If you saw who the speakers were and dismissed the whole thing because you think you know it all already then you have your answer as well.

There is some good words in these.

24 Hours later

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Venting should be therapeutic. Catharsis should be lifting? Idk, but after yesterday’s post I hoped to take some of the weight off my shoulders and find  little more freedom of the weight that has been in my heart. I have no idea if I achieved any of that, but a lot of shit went down.
wp_20141005_00624 hours later my bf and I had a huge fight after I wrote that about some MORE seriously… seriously stupid stuff. I wanted out of the relationship again, and didn’t. He is the one usually holding us together and it was as if he was letting us unravel. But it was really me.
I went to work as usual today and it was… meh. A long day. A meaningless day, but a day where I wonder what the fuck I am doing with my life. This job is a year of karma points. That’s all. But my boss said some nice things, not what I expected, and I wondered again if it was all worth it.
Turns out we are supposed to go to Pismo Beach for a wedding for one of his friends. I am going… just to get out of town. So yeah.

In a dark place….

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When I started writing this blog as many years ago… it was a time when I was much happier. I am like a swimmer in the ocean caught in the rip tides these days often pulled helpless under the curling waters unable to catch a breath. I am in the wall of an ant trap unable to escape what lay below or the freedom which seemingly exists above.
I grew up so certain of some things and at my current age I have not seen any of those things come true. Everything I thought was written in my minds has so far been a delusion; neither positive or negative these ideas have been the exact opposite of what I dreamed.
In these times I am floundering in those tides of a rough sea in a place both mentally and physically that are killing me like a psychological cancer; my sanity in question and the random disappointments like those killer tides.

  • I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 32: failed that one as I am staring 51 in the face.
  • I was supposed to be wealthy and having traveled the world before that death… well I guess I got that half right. Being perpetually poor and unable to hold on to a buck. Being constantly in debt and unable to escape taxes, credit cards, student loans debt debt debt really plays on a person’s soul and mind.

No that I am the healthiest of minds to begin with. Not that the way I was raised was any solace to feeling like a healthy human being. I feel like I am dying on the inside and I have no one to find a handle with.
This has nothing to do with my boyfriend, because I love him more than anything right now. I would not want to lose him, but I might need to break away for enough time that I can feel like I have a grip on myself and my responsibilities.

BrokenWifi.Com

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2016webProfileI started a second blog for my little nods of the world around me. Maybe someone will want to share in my signal. Alas it is still new and does not have so much as a feather as a wing yet. I came to this site to do some maintenance and some venting… let’s see how that bloody well works.

6 months later

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I am still alive… not that there is any great mystery to anyone paying any kind of attention. No one reads this blog any more and with the rise of Facebook, no one really goes past it.

  • I am still living in San Francisco and still living with my bf CMonster
  • I hate this living situation and would love it to change soon
  • I still have the job I talked about in my previous post which was about 6 months ago…
  • I am now working on my plans for Burning Man (see www.sunguardians,net)

So there ya go… a big update.