Author Archive: scott.kay

The Cart before the Horse

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My mode of operation (the olde M.O.) is usually to put the cart before the horse as demonstrated below. We started the process of buying a house a few weeks ago at this point and since then I have already shopped all the furniture, placemats for the table, the two dogs I plan on getting, and today I purchased a security system for it. I mean, the paperwork is not signed until the end of this week. 

I am excited and anticipating when I can tell the world about the amazing changes coming into our lives. This year has been pretty stellar and it has to be said, that it is a huge leap from some pretty traumatic years in the past. For example, 2018 was a year of breaking down and just breaking. 2019 was a step higher, but really was tough, but ended well. And it’s only been getting better since. Not sure I need to talk about those years on this post. I will see what the history says. Maybe I will write about it in another post. 

So, now we think about the move. The new stress ball in  my life, picking up one household and moving it to another. A bigger, giant wooly mammoth in the desert. It is a place to create and grow in new ways. That is really what this year has been!

This is the Year of the Steele Rabbit. When I read about the year, it is a year of growth and wealth. Next year is the Year of the Wood Dragon, which is my year. It should be a very successful year for me. And for those of you who poo poo astrology, you’re wrong. It’s up to you to see how it all links together and tough-noogies if you can’t be bothered. 

Anyway, I will share the new information when all the ink is dry. 

Buying a House

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We have been working this year on a lot of things to set our future together. Getting married was just a step that was good for a variety of reasons. It has made us stronger together. It has created a new way of looking at what were doing and cementing in the thing that we are in this whole thing together. 

The process has been surprisingly easy, with the folks who re working our financing. My realtor has also been good to work with and I appreciate him a lot. Things feel scary as we have been investing in the idea of moving. It is right around the corner for dear friends. It is in a community I have missed so much. 

The levels of stress this week have also been super insane. Ugh. My brain hurts.

Got Murried

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I just noticed that the last post I made was Feb 1st, but considering CMonster/Waffle and I got married on Feb. 6th there seems to be a missed opportunity there. AND, since then we went on a wirlwind vacation to Europe and put the pics from all that over on the Gallery Section. Anyway, the wedding was at Oakland City Hall and keeping it simple was the right thing to do. My sister Christine and niece Lacey were both there to make the day extra special. 

Waffle (as he prefers to be known these days) took a while to get there, but getting married was part of setting up our future and in line with future plans we had. So much has happened this year! So much seems to be changing. I am very excited and scared for the evolution headed my way this year. 

I will try and share more. Journaling is really good for me. I have been writing in a hand written journal for therapeutical reasons, but there is a lot I could be sharing here. 

Cya!

Updating some of the Galleries

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To note >>> over there at the edge of this thing, I might have commented about the galleries being faulty and stop working. It took the NextGen people a long time to fix it, but that goodness until it is broke again. Wah wah. 

Anyhoo, since I just added pics from our New York trip from a while back I left out the story about this Korean pop-up we went to. It was getting a lot of buzz and Waffles was dead set to have it. It was a fixed menu served in courses and solid proof that people are just too desperate for something cool and this was far from it. It was pretentious to the hilt. Like, way overhyped and way not great. Here are my pics of each dish. Because I did that. 

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This was an appetizer that started off the whole thing. It was just a sign of what was to come… ha ha aha ha

Writer Update

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I am so blessed that my latest editor got me back my book completed with all copyediting and proofreading. His comments were inspiring and I made sure I thanked him in the acknowledgements of the book. I also wrote a new synopsis that rocks and James (the Editor) gave me some excelled feedback on it and as of last night I reached out to 2 literary agents hoping to start marking my road forward. 

The book is called ELDRITCH: Tale of the Four Winds. I completed writing the full trilogy this last week. Book Two is done. Book Three is in first draft. My goal was to be able to put a pen cap on the series, but in truth I have 2 more book ideas from it that can go somewhere someday.

One is short stories based on the trilogy. Because there are all kinds of side stories and character histories worth exploring. 

One is a time jump to the future and see what happens fifty or a hundred years later. 

The story arch is amazing. I may put out more on this, but for now I am sticking with this. I put some bits here in my creativity section. Check it out if you like.

Over time I hired 3 editors. One flaked on me half way through the project, but he still gave me some valuable help. I paid him for this time, but I learned to check on people more in the future. The second editor was all about story and flow. A paid reader as it were who gave me suggestions for flow. And lastly, James, a star in heaven who was tough and gave me the feedback I needed and did an amazing job at copywriting and editing. I am thrilled. 

And one more thing. I came across this entry from 2013 when I first started to pen this project and am stunned how far it came along. Sunned! 

Toodles!

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Started working on the Music Section today and made a decent first dent. It’s coming to light I am taking too much on again and the music page is going to evolve over time. Of course there will be lots of links in there, but time will tell.

I went out on Saturday night and over-did it. Then I had to go to work for an OT day on Sunday and and suffered… like suffered. Still not 1–%, but that could be other things too. Ugh, dieting. Ugh, the fucking holidays. Ugh, working on the non-profit. Ugh, lots of Ughs.

Anyway, this is just a short groan session. Toodles.

Something different – Happy Thanksgiving

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I started a new med for depression and anxiety and my world has really changed. I am feeing much more balanced and much like my old self. If you only knew me well enough to see what that change was like, but I was not in a good place for a long while. I think many of my posts over recent years has really shown that. 

This week was something special for me too. Last week my partner (aka Waffles) went to L.A. for a few days and a good friend of mine stayed here and we spent a lot of time together. I got to decompress in ways I did not know I needed. Having Matt here was refreshing and made me feel appreciated. I also got some time to reflect on myself and realize some things about myself and about Waffles. 

There have been some things that have been rising to the surface and seeing them through Matt’s eyes was a bit of an eye opener. In some ways the break, and having someone else around, was a revelation. There are things about my Waffles that I thought I saw, but was not sure of. And being aware, I feel safer and better for it. 

I might be less crazy than I thought. I might have less shame about myself than I thought. I care more, but I am more empathetic to the world around me. If this sounds like riddles, then so be it. But, my world had brightened and I am very grateful for it. 

Nice who what?

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As I was writing this post I took this picture. This t-shirt says a lot… yikes.

Today a lady at the Safeway looked me in the face and told me I had beautiful eyes. We both smiled, I said thank you, and we moved in opposite directions. I saw another lady and we smiled at each other too. It was a very sweet and nice encounter.

Little do any of them know I that when I was driving to the market, my skin was crawling with anxiety and I could feel myself almost reeling. I was certain something horrible was going to happen. At least, probably caused by me. Maybe me acting like a jerk even if I did not mean it. But, I was aware of the creeping feeling and kept it reigned in. 

I asked myself, why did I have to try so hard to be cool on the outside even when I was running around like chicken-little on the inside. Why was that energy expended on staying in control. Today I might not know the answer. But glad I kept my shit together. 

Just another update

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Halloween 2022: This did not come out the way I had hoped, but maybe better next time.

I am wanting to make more posts, but I am struggling with finding time. More so, I struggle to find myself in the life I have right now. I have changed my attitude about a lot of things in my dominate personality anyway, and fight back the others. It’s been a fight, but trying to take care of myself gets hard. 

This is about finding time to get all the things done I want to. And the barriers of achieving that, versus the things I want to have out of life. I suppose in those ways I am like my mom, where I think life should not be as hard as it is. If I want, or need something, there should be a way to get it. And there is, but method is everything.

I chose to have a loving relationship with my partner so I have to give up some behaviors and engage in others that keep peace between us and the world. Right? I have been working toward another career, but finding the time to devote myself to it has been another barrier. I have to choose what I put my energy into.

Same with the life I have. I wrote before about how lonely I have been and what it counts for friends in my life. So, I have to devote time to the people who want to spend time with me. My chosen family is getting better and stronger. My biological family has been a total disaster. I crave family and connections, but I have lost touch with a lot of that until recently.

I started looking around to see who was there. My Las Vegas people are still there, roaring in the distance. New friends like Ra and others from my most recent burning man journey. And a lot of women have been really supportive and present. But, I have to say, not many gay men. It’s been a bummer. 

So I am starting to focus on the things that I need to matter more and will make comments about that as time proceeds. Change is happening and I am questioning if the things in my life right now are worth keeping. And going to Burning Man is on one of those lists… how is it I feel so lonely every time I go there even if I am surrounded by thousands of people? Well, let’s see what happens. 

Change two

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scotts face

My plan to reduce the people I have tagged into my life that are not present is moving slow. It seems simple to “unfollow” and “unfriend” people on Facebook, but there are complications. I recently did that to someone and I got a message from that person asking me why? I mean, we became FB friends and then nothing. 

My habit has been, that when birthday announcements roll around that if I have no knowledge of said person or the vine has long withered, I did the dirty deed. Consistently that has not been a problem. 

I met someone once who wanted to be my Facebook Friend and told me he had 3000 friends on Facebook. So, I blocked him. He collected friends. WTF? 

Anyway, I will figure this out. I want to make sure I am not over-reaching. I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I’m not sure what the future holds, but TBH I feel like a lot of post-covid folks, post-burn, are going through the same reflections.