The theme camp this year is coming on so nicely! We are 2/3 reserved now and some have paid their camp fees already which is a lot of help in getting ready for everything. If you want to see more go to www.SunGuardians.net
Author Archive: scott.kay
Lot’s going on
Well, I started a new job last week and it was neither as a designer or as a cook; in any way. It’s a job and one that pays better than anything I had over the last three years. So, I move on thinking practically and trying to make something out of my time remaining here in San Francisco.
I did go and buy some clothes today… of which I was in serious need of. Most of my clothes are so old they are actually falling apart. And I have been wanting to dress like something less than a slob and have found some clothes that are not too expensive.
Still need to get a new place and get settled. I need a home and I need to find a place to live. CMonster and I keep focusing on a place together but I am wondering how reasonable and realistic that is. We have had a lot of stupid small fights lately but it could be that we have been living in a tiny box together for the last six months.
Anyway, I am still working on my burning man stuff. 2015 with my theme camp Sun Guardians is I wrote abut it in my BM Blog here but check out the Sun Guardians web site.
Inside Out
My post yesterday felt a little on the dramatic side. I can feel like I am in some very dark places some times. My life… swear… feels like I am caught in some Greek tragedy. It is the Groundhog Day from Hell.
None the less, I am still navigating and keeping from sinking. I try and stay strong, though I am as weak as the bones I was carved from. I see all the faults of my parents in me. But I also see the strengths as well.
I am done faulting my father and my paternal lineage with where I am and who I am these days. There is a point where I am old enough to consciously make decisions for my self and take ownership of who and where I am.
The inner conflict I face sucks, but the horrible truth is I have to suck it up and find myself somewhere inside.
Misery Myself
Lately things have been feeling so tightly wound that I feel like I am nothing but a bag of delicate twigs inside. Push a little on the outside wrapper and something inside breaks before it bends. It feels like that is all that is left in me.
Not that anyone is paying much attention. I know this blog is invisible to anyone that matters. I know my purpose in life is like a battery that lost its charge and alternatives keep looking better and better. Either way, I am such a coward. And I seem to be king of the pity-police.
Anyway, this web site has degraded itself into a platform for all my misery, I feel like the pity-me road started when I left Vegas and devolved into this. Whatever it takes to make change happen for the better I should find it soon or Plan B.
Just some whimsy
I turned 50 since I last really posted and this was the most unceremonious and non-validating year I have ever experienced. Is it weird I am having flashbacks to when I was a kid and I got cheated out of a birthday party when I was a Farrell’s Ice Cream 
Parlor when I was – like seven. We still lived in the San Fernando Valley at the time.
CMonster does try his best, but he is not equipped with a lot of common sense when it comes to things like birthdays, holidays or such. The thing is I know he loves me and for some reason on this planet I got lucky in the area of love once again. If you remember Adolfo (my ex) then you would know I have been lucky at least once before. I lost him for my own stupidity.
For whatever it is worth things are feeling very raw and I have to get my life on some sort of track so that I am actually moving somewhere. I figured out I have been much like a turtle since I left Alexander’s. I keep retreating into my shell and hiding from the world. Working on my stupid Burning Man stuff is the thing I seem to feel passionate about.
If you are reading this please comment below…
My stats show me that people are coming to my site, but I have no idea if anyone is paying attention at all. This blog has changed so much since I started it… damn I should look up what the oldest post is. There were versions before this, believe it or not, because I have had it since the internet was… yep – I’m that old.
Happy Veterans Day: My Lemonade Tale
I often see very positive energy coming my way and while I see it, energy does not always become matter. I wish there was more of a manifestation of something of that energy… or how that energy can drive me forward into more internal passion.
My passions are often generating energy that do not always land in a way that makes my journey stronger. I do a lot of things. I try and give a lot of myself. I try to expect nothing in return. Somehow, I feel like it is making me some karma coins yet something my mom told me once still seems to be a curse that floats over me: “If it weren’t for bad luck you would not have any luck at all”.
That statement was not a dig against me. It was not a negative dumped over my head. It was an inescapable truth in my life seeking to become more in my life. What sucks is I never really seem to be able to find the rung in life to get me beyond broke and drifting.
I think I am still looking for someone to be a mentor. It is something my dad never was. He, if anything, had a goal of hallowing me out with abusive context. I can count one occasion where he helped me in a place where I felt stronger inside.
I joined the military early on and spent 6 years doing something I loved. But, for stupid reasons, I bailed on that because I was looking at the green grass in the neighbors year. I let someone else talk me out of something good and frankly I have had to relive that regret over and over to this day. Not just the refret of leaving the Air Force like I did, but it seems I was destined to relive the scenario over and over.
It might have been over a relationship, job, decision to do something usually ending up with me making the wrong choice.
My step dad told CMonster once: “Scott will do what Scott wants to do…” which might sound stubborn. But more times than I could count I made a decision based on someone else’s logic I ended up regretting it. If it was a decision based on my own bad choice then it was a lot easier to live with.
I know who I am: Soldier, Loyalist, Community Activist, Human.
I know what I do best in the right circumstances: Love, Lead, Create … in my humble opinion.
Portland no more… East Bay?
The last week has been an upheaval in a way. A lot has happened and I am stuck in my own thoughts once again. That is like putting your feet in cement and is rarely helpful because searching the present for a solution takes ones eyes off the future and… well the hidden blessing… off the past as well.
Cooking for the Masses
Last week I was very busy getting ready for and executing a meal at the Groundswell space near Boonville. I planned for 120 people and saw close to 100 in the end although it was hard to get a solid count at any point. It was still such an amazing weekend. I got a little play time. I was in charge of the kitchen, but occasionally I had strong people who could take over and operate without supervision. PLUS… CMonster yanked me out of the kitchen for a hike on Sunday.
My Cooking Site – My On-Line Resume
In an effort to prepare for my next life-step-journey thing… I updated my resume site www.PastrySt8.com and www.FlavorSt8.com (pushing them to the same location). I consolidated the sites since my cooking career is somewhat parallel and my pastry future is so limited.
Life Journey Surprises
CMonster wearing the mask I made for him for the masquerade.
When we got back, CMonster had an email congratulating him on being accepted to school. This is something he had been working on for months. The only issue, it was here in San Francisco. Not Portland. He starts school in 10 months and moving to Portland seems moot. It’s very disappointing, but at the same time it provides a rung on the ladder to reach for. I can choose a direction instead of waiting for the next domino to fall.
Now, I have to get out of his house and find a place in the Bay Area where we can exist together. Where we can have a home and where we can live as long as we need to. Moving to Portland is probably not an option now, but there is always time.
And… I decided to go on a diet… so I will start sharing that adventure here. I am doing something that is a little more hardcore than what is typically healthy, but I am sick of carrying this weight and sick of all the crappy food eating. And, back off the meat again for a while. Ugh, my guts have to look just awful.
Me Myself and I – wait, did this one
So, the last few days has been a course of reflection and you might have noted in my last 2 posts I talked a lot about potentially moving to Portland very soon. It has also been a good time to try and figure out HOW to move forward in WHAT mindset I should be in. Frankly, this time in San Francisco has been … at best … difficult.
The best part of living here has been CMonster. Making friends here has been very tough. And, trying to be a part of the community here has been just as tough; whether we are talking about the Burners or the Radical Faeries. I have never been in a place where it was so hard to crack the nut. While it might not be them so much as myself; I have to figure that out on my own.
I saw this post today on Facebook by “Coop“: “Want an example of how beliefs create your reality and drive your behavior? I just got off the phone with an international client who runs a non-profit, a consulting firm and works for a global relief organization. (Yes, she has 3 big jobs!) Needless to say, she’s near burnout and couldn’t understand why she committed to all of these high-profile responsibilities. For 3 weeks, we focused on the core issues and today, we finally identified the core belief driving her need to over-commit: She wasn’t loveable. Because of that, she didn’t love herself. Because of that, she didn’t like herself and she was being a martyr – basically burning herself out by pouring all of her effort into work while ignoring her health, key relationships and taking on more than is humanly possible. She felt isolated and alone, even when surrounded by people who loved and respected her. When we cleared the belief that she was not loveable, she felt a huge relief – and created a plan to shift her situation. I’m so fortunate to be able to do this work with amazingly brilliant and talented people” Coop (Micheal Cooper) does a lot of consulting for professionals.
That is not all. The article came out last week and was linked on Facebook by another of my amazing people in my life and it struck me.
Here is a Link to the Original Article: 10 Things That The People Who Love Their Lives Are Doing Differently
Surprise, surprise… happy people live their lives differently. They don’t have different lives. They just do a better job at living them than those who are unhappy.
They don’t bother trying to make others like them — mainly because they don’t care if they’re liked.
I don’t really know how much this applies to me. While I have tried to demonstrate to some people that I am committed to a specific cause or community that we have in common I wanted your respect more than your friendship. Don’t like me… I don’t care. Say I am a bad guy for any reason, you’re wrong. Maybe you’re right. But I do my best and if it is not good enough for you then – seeya.
They do things because they want to do them, not because they believe they have to do them.
For me this is a 50/50 issue as the work I do with Queer Burners feels like an obligations some times mostly because no one else steps up to lead and try and get people together in a community. It’s been moreso here in San Francisco where it is a bitch to get burners together. I have been beating a dead horse here.
They love their friends but don’t rely on them.
Yep. Don’t learn this the hard way. Your expectations will be the death of you.
When you ask them what they do, they don’t give you a job title.
Yep. I think I got this one too. If I have to put a label on myself I chose Renaissance Man… works.
When you ask them where they live, they say, “At the moment…”
Sorta… I think I might have this one but when I think about it, it is hard to step outside myself and see. I certainly do not think about things like other people and when you ask me about making soft plans for next week… I will often tell you ‘let’s cross that bridge when we get to it’ while when it come times to make plans to move that is planning. So, yeah.
They have their own philosophies, their own religion they created and live by.
Yep. Got this one too. My choices are those that people just don’t get and are quick to judge. Walk a mile in my moccasins. Or don’t; see item 1.
They embrace their impermanence.
Yep.
They see the world as their playhouse and their mind as the conductor.
You were saying…?
They live in the moment, but dream in the future.
#fail… sorta. I have to say I have spent too much time anchored to the past and often my head in the clouds. The best thing I could do for myself is to find my passion and drive. Then implement it. Right now I am feeling very broken and heavy. Fixing that has to happen first maybe.
They don’t bother changing others, but instead learn how to deal with them appropriately.
Yep. Never thought of trying to change others. However, if I can get CMonster to make some changes I think we would be more successful. But maybe that is exactly what is wrong with us?
So, those are the items some article says that people who love their lives. Just reading through these it feels like television is telling us all these things in reverse. Is that weird? Is that a weird realization now as I sat here seeing how my own life applied to those bullet points?
So, I do ask myself what I am doing wrong in my life to be where I am. Not that I am not counting the blessings I have. Not that I am trying to she the regrets based on a lot of bad decisions in life; chuck those out and move on. Not that I remain ever optimistic for the future. All I can do is work on freeing myself from any remaining baggage and move forward.
Portland: Alone or Together?
I made another entry on here earlier today and also reached out to a few people in Portland and had this strange sense of purpose again. It was as if I was feeling like I had a direction again. Moving to Portland and seeing people there is something I think I need to really make happen. San Francisco is a situation that is just not a good one. It’s time for greener pastures.
The think is I got to set myself a timeline to work with and somehow manage to spend money. If I can keep my shit under control I should be able to be in Portland within 2 weeks. 1 drawback, my laptop is dead and all I have is a rusty old desktop that is barely alive. (Gotta talk nice because I am typing on the old girl now).
I have to find housing. I have to find employment. I have to get moving. There is a community in Portland that I have not been able to really get into here.
What about now?
I have been staying at CMonsters place now for what is going on 2 months and it is a month longer than I wanted to. It got pretty comfy here and living here was nice. I think it gave us a chance to see if we were able to live together. The thing is I am still not 100% sure.
There are issues and I was never too sure what those were. But, a comment my mom made really sent my thinking off into a spiral when it came to us. She called him childish. I am seeing where there is a real lack of maturity in him. In some ways it’s positive, but in a lot of ways he is really immature and it is starting to bother me.
We have been together almost 3 years now. He and I have had a fairly good relationship but this feels like the tipping point where it is make it or break it time. The way things have gone, the things that matter, have not been turning out so well. His drinking has been a pretty significant problem since we got back from Burning Man.
He has been black-out level drunk almost every other weekend. He has embarrassed himself more than anything, but the thing is the day after his binge I end up paying dearly having to suffer the biggest gloom-fest you can imagine from another person. It is actually painful to be around and it goes on the whole day after he sobers up.
We have had problem problems with his drinking since we met and it has thrown off the ledge more times that I can count. I have called my mom asking for advice, but no one really sees what I see; good and bad.
I am not sure where WE are right now. Even as I type this he is sulking and being a little jerk because his best friend (and personal douche-bag) is upset because he went to a ritzy event and got stupid drunk there. Yes, blackout level.
So, Portland I might be coming alone but I will get there.