and a little venting….

Posted on September 16, 2014September 16, 2014 by scott.kay

I am sitting here having gone through UrielsJournal.Com several times with quite a few updates. I tried to refine this thing I might have lost control of and lost site of… ya know what I mean.

Scott Aug 1966

I kind of do the same thing with me. I lost myself as much as I lost track of what it meant to be living. I also find myself being reflective of where I am and how I got here. I cannot blame my parents.
I know I blame a lot of my personality problems on my father. As fucked up a human being I thought he was, I am left often wondering about him. Who he is now? Yet, I doubt he has changed much. That story has been told here enough. [#jack, #father, #failure] [post: letter]
My mom is a warrior. She is fighting on through life and she takes good care of my step-dad even though she faces a lot of criticism. But, she is my foundation.
When I think back to my childhood there is a lot of blank spots. I see my mom as this hard working woman who took a lot of shit, but worked her way for retirement and got what she wanted (well, sort of). She gave it to me once or twice as best she could to keep a fucked up kid like me in line.

Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle on my moms side

My dad on the other hand… most of my memories of Jack are very negative. There were good memories, but they were torn up in the mess.
Why have I blocked out so much of my childhood and why do I remember it as if it was torn up and left in small pieces on the floor? I sound like him when I talk sometimes. I hate that about me.
My laugh is like hers. My relationships are like hers; a least in my approach. I feel like I have no friends and am alone; which I think is a lot like she might feel.
Now, my step-dad on the other hand is a good man and a positive influence in my life. I really only have pleasant memories of him and only learned of all his medical problems this year. I cannot believe my head was so deep in the sand.

Me and Mom

Narcissism or not I am trying to live my life the best way I can. I am not worthy of myself and I am afraid that in my wake other people could get caught in those current and be dragged down. I really hate myself sometimes and would gladly be done with me. I want to do good things for good people and yet it feels like everything and everyone I touch turns to ashes eventually.

The above movie link …well, it got me thinking about Jack. I don’t hate him. He is the cornerstone for the dysfunctional part of me… maybe. As much as I try to be a better person. To be a good friend. To be a good partner. Good son. Good human. When his voice comes out of me it all turns to ashes in my hands. I guess I do blame him.
Update: 5 Minutes Later : A friend posted this on Facebook
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Yep, it made me laugh and finish with a light sigh. Perspective?

2014 September Check-in

Posted on September 16, 2014September 16, 2014 by scott.kay

Good morning world. I looked at my analytics and it seems like people are still coming to my site, but seem to be looking at the pages with naked pics on them first. Not me, but from the 2012 Naked Bike Ride I participated in back then. It was a lot of fun, but something about this site and what it was set up for has somehow drifted.
Seems I find it harder and harder to write here and post because I am so busy doing other projects and avoiding some important things I need to be doing. It’s all about avoiding what needs to happen for what I want to happen. I want to live life on my own terms, but the delusion is that my terms are so vague and unsolved that I remain behind this computer lost in my fantasy world.

Burning Man : my theme camp Sun Guardians : for two months before Burning Man in August 2014 I worked on that camp almost full time. Then when I got back I was so lit for fixing the problems of this year and making next year better that I ran full force into re-writing a plan for 2015. [my BM blog]
my Writing : I have been writing since I was a teenager and am pretty damn good…. if I must say so myself. My work is contemporary and filled with colorful characters. I wold love to be published but I have no idea where to start and damn am I ready.
my web sites : 2 burning man sites : queerburners.com : I can spend all the time I have in a day working on those. Hell, look at this site. I redid the whole design for it and the Burning Man part of it in a day.

What am I avoiding?

job hunting : I need to find something that I can do to earn a living. I have become a red splatter on the pavement of the employed and am only just realizing how wrong I have taken life. Train Wreck. Bad Acid Trip.
place to live : yes, I am currently homeless again. I am crashing with the boyfriend/partner. While it is good to be with him on this level and we are still strong with each other I left my last place because: hated living there, place reeked with mold, and more. I just had to get out of there thinking it would propel me forward… seems I am still stuck in the sling-shot.

I am taking this time to set money aside and do some things in the meantime. I have a month left to start getting some tread and figure out where and who I am. I want out of San Francisco… god yes!!!! Looking at East Bay, Portland, Seattle and maybe maybe Reno.

2014 Spiritual Gathering for Radical Faeries

Posted on July 9, 2014July 9, 2014 by scott.kay

Yep- that’s what I did this last week. It was a very needed experience and I was so glad I was able to swing it. The postings on Facebook had me so excited and the “Call” (which is the announcement for the event and all the rules around it) was well crafted and made a person feel excited.
Last year I would say I left feeling trepidations over my experience as there seemed to be a lot of conflict with the identity of the land. BUT, if you read my trip report from last year then you can see why. A lot happened and there was a weird balance of good, bad and fantastical.

SGRF2013: Part 1 & Part2

SGRF2014: Catching up since then: As suggested in the posts from 2013 I never made it back to Samhain and put off going back to Wolf Creek until I felt the call. So, the only Radical Faery stuff I did was here in the city with the local Faeries.
WP_001032 Starting off I had zero money and had no idea how I was getting there. Plus, on the 11th hour I discovered my tent was missing. So, I had no place to sleep as far as I knew. Not to mention that I had not quite figured out how I was getting to Oregon and getting home. Think this might be a problem?
A great guy on a ride list picked me up and we drove up to Oregon. Yes, I still have both my kidneys. And, the guy working the event let me borrow an extra tent on the property. All was good. No ride home yet, but hell I had a few days before that might be an issue.

Wolf Creek

The land is amazing to visit. I stopped at the ancestor alter as soon as we arrived and payed homage to the land because I wanted my return to start better (or the best possible) than last year. The map I found on the refrigerator in the barn showed so much.

The Vibe

As previously mentioned the “Call” was really good. There was this forced sense of desired sobriety last year and that was missing in this announcement. There was drinking and there was a little partying, but in the scope of things it was low key and Hand Washing Sink nice. Nothing close to Burning Man level! Which is a good thing.
I did have a sense of appreciation for the required sobriety normally enforced on a majority of the land. When I was cooking dinner one night my two helpers were drinking and smoking themselves into non-presence because it was the one night where you could pretty much drink anywhere on the land.

Me

Well, I contributed the best I could through cooking for the 40+ guests and staff on the land. It was exciting that it seems it was was people remembered most about my visit last year. It also felt so amazing to feel so welcomed back. It was cool that so many people that were there were burners. (more below)

So I took a camping spot down by the creek because I wanted to be around people. While some people think this kind of a thing is sex, drugs and party on… well… for me it was just a nice chance to disconnect from the world and think about the things I need to take care of in life right now.

The Miss Wolf Creek Pageant

OMG this was just so much fun and it was done on the night people were allowed to have alcohol which made even more of a hoot! There is a building called the drag closet with all kinds of fun things in it that have been donated over the years. No, I did not get into drag but damn these boys are so much fun!!!!!

speaking of notes…

Posted on June 27, 2014June 27, 2014 by scott.kay

I am part of a production for a something called Secure Camp where we are trying to build a community, grass-roots program for the reduction of sexual assault. I heard said that if you were a victim of sex assault that you should not be part of something like this. Well, I thik I have been victim and aggressor in my life.
Dear old man on Bonner Street when I was 4 or 5 years old:

what was it about a boy my age that inspired you to think that I wanted to play with your cock? I had to pee, which is why I touched my groin, not an invitation to you. Not for you to pull my pants down and open up your pants and show me your old dick. I can still see us in your house like I was outside of myself and I am sure I had no idea if this was right or wrong.

Dear girl:

we were both kids and sexuality was a thing that I had permission to explore; unspoken by parents that maintained a huge inventory or porn in our house. When I talked you into fellating me and your mother caught us; believe it or not I can still see the pain in your eyes that I talked you into doing what we did. The look in your lovely eyes still haunts me sometimes. I hope life has been kind to you and that you don’t remember that stupid day at all.

There were more stories, but the sins of my past aren’t all mine alone. I don;t know if writing them out and setting them loose is an answer to anything. But it it takes the demons out of my head then I will take the chance.
I am too sensitive to allow myself to put pain on other people, but I have.
Weird thing is that that whole thing from when I was a kid and a dirty old bastard touched me haunts me hard and I fucks my head.

a letter to Jack K I will never send

Posted on May 29, 2014May 29, 2014 by scott.kay

It’s been a while since there was any communication and it is probably better that way as long as things are the way they are. All the reasons it seems you, Sandy and Lynn seem to think I walked away are whatever you can imagine. I know the things I heard are wrong, but it is what it is.
I decided to just let go and tell you I think about you quite a bit, but based on life experience so far it’s not worth hoping to anticipate any further relationship in this lifetime.
That day I woke up and realized you and I will never be the same members of any kind of loving family was not the same day I lost you as a dad. While you were still a father who still showed some level of compassion I now know I lost you when I was about 13 with divorce and soon after the final grave stone seems to be the day you met Beth; of all things.
Subsequently in the years before I joined and left for the Air Force in 1983 you told me:

you (to me) will never be worthy of carrying your last name (thankfully it dies with me anyway)
you (to me) will never amount to anything and I am worthless

Geez, just those few things were worth three years of therapy that at some point I thought I got past and when in a bout of self pity realized just how much your voice was still in my head.
That day, a few years ago when I hung up the phone after our conversation I realized that everything was wrong with this toxic and sick relationship. It would never be better. In recent times I also began concluding that the problem is really in me: the damage is inside of me and it is my responsibility to get past THAT and find my future and my voice.
If I emulate anything that is like you I try and change it; to kill any part of you inside of me. You voice, your thinking, your being is like acid to me and I can’t hope for a future that has you or your daughter in it. You are definitely perfect for each other.
Say what you would about my mom, Sallie, but she has been a pillar of steel and survived and thrived and shown more love and backbone than you ever did.
As for your deluded and self-involved daughter her sad soul has to deal with the lies she said about me. So good luck. Goodbye. I am tired of fighting your voice, your self-involved bullshit. I HATE how much I am like you in so many ways. I really do.

Still wondering what’s next…

Posted on May 29, 2014May 29, 2014 by scott.kay

So I sit here thinking about my future wondering where it will take me. Am I the driver or the passenger? It hardly seems logical that a 50 year old guy can sit here and not know where to go with it, but I have figured out one thing and that is there is something.

You practical Goats prefer solid footing beneath your feet, so it’s unsettling now when the very things you were most sure of start to disintegrate before your eyes. Don’t panic; it isn’t like your life is falling apart. The problem is your internal GPS isn’t operating at top efficiency, so you may have to fly by the seat of your pants for a while. Loosen up and enjoy the ride — even if you have no idea where you are going.

– My horoscope today on Tarot.Com (love that site)

Anyhoo… my love of cooking is seriously dying in San Francisco working for fucking idiots who think they don’t stink and are impervious to any wrong. OMG – I have worked for some serious losers who could never see themselves in a mirror.
So my passions have a chance to emerge but it is hard to ask the universe for something when I am uncertain to what it could be.

wrecked

Posted on May 24, 2014May 24, 2014 by scott.kay

It happens time to time where I look around and I feel like I have no friends and bf is busy doing his own thing. I feels like I am really feeling so alone. Sucks.
Those Facebook friends… are all so far away. Those people you loved locally… do they love you back?
Those friends in L.A. and Vegas and other cool places are so far away. ugh…

Full Moon Tonight: New Start?

Posted on May 14, 2014May 14, 2014 by scott.kay

I made no secret about the self improvement things I have been working on since the beginning of the year. Books, practices and more. I am not faced with putting that into action and actually making something out of my life. It is mother-fucking hard to figure out what is right.
Seems like I feel a lot of resistance in any direction I go in, but I am not unawares that success does come with a price. Nothing, they say, is easy. But a lot of it may have something to so with the way the brain works – connecting to the soul – connecting to the chain that links us all as beings on this planet.

I watched this video twice this week (well the whole movie) on Netflix and have some to a lot of realizations in my thinking that seem to be working against me. If you have seen some of my gripes, many of them are addressed right here in the presentation.

my uber-dysfunctional relationship with my father and how I see him as really fucking me up as a human being in my life and the mess I have been seeing myself as…
“if it weren’t for bad luck you would not have any luck at all” my mom said to me; not in a mean way but damn if it did not seem like it was true.

So what do I do with that and look forward? How do I resolved to live out whatever is left of my life in a way that is better and stronger and healthier? What is the catalyst to make that happen? part of it is to get over the fucked up shit Jack dealt me growing up and keep driving toward real goals.

find out WHAT I am sincerely grateful for
decide WHAT I want
focus on making those things part of my daily routine; outlook, vision
…and then?

I have to change a lot of things and many of them appear on the front of this web site. I have to let go and grab on to new things.

Getting motivated for moving on

Posted on April 30, 2014April 30, 2014 by scott.kay

So, Alexanders is in the rear view mirror and I am not heading anywhere yet. I am very bummed out that this did not give me any space to spread my wings. I worked for someone who rather sit on how miserable she thought I and other were instead of trying to make the situation better.
She was a fairly talented pastry chef, but a horrible leader. At this stage I am seriously considering that the cooking life might not be what I need for my life right now. I want to work somewhere that has a Hello Kitty dessert good atmosphere and I can produce lovely work. Not artsy shit like they had at Alexanders… one dessert really looked like Hello Kitty blew her brains out on a plate.
She made a dish once that – not kidding – looked like a crap on a plate. I posted pictures of all these and more on my food site www.pastryst8.com (Facebook) if you want to see. I do not think I got the poop plate pic… but damn it was a bad joke.
So whatever happens moving forward we shall see. A new day comes tomorrow. And today I got some sun and am looking kissed by the sun!

my last note to Alexanders

Posted on April 30, 2014April 30, 2014 by scott.kay

I want to thank Erin and Sean for your incredible empathy during this crazy time. When I came by the restaurant yesterday I was able to remember how much I really appreciate this group of people I worked with.
I also told Sean a story that for me is the premise of my departure. I was upset and a little demoralized over the name calling stuff, but the impact was the real lack of healthy communication between Gail and I.
I tried on several occasions to build a communicative bridge with Gail and requested conversations that never resulted in anything positive.

I had a review at 30 days that rated me at “average” but the feedback I got was widely negative. I was gobsmacked and the conversation was one direction; even sections reserved for me to fill out on the form were filled out by Gail.
I tried again before the 90 day period was up. I got an email from Gail where she told me “It’s my job to help you succeed” but that never happened. It was before her vacation and I am certain the motivation was just to keep things steady in the department.
At the beginning of January I heard her say, a couple times over, “I have to work with that I got” and it seemed to be directed at us as a team; as if she was stuck with us.
I talked to her about increasing my pay once and she said I had to wait for 1 year before that happen. In the scope of that conversation there was no discussion about her concerns that I recall.

In fairness Gail did voice complaints about some of my processes and I tried to address them and make corrections. Unfortunately there was as if always something wrong but I worked really hard to demonstrate my passion and commitment and it never made an impact which led to this point right now. There was never a positive comment.
I was dismissed by Gail early on, but I was a warm body. The only thing I could think of as the foundation of our problems was my age over her 20 something other employees and a complete lack of interest by Gail to build a positive working relationship.
I love the ideas she had with food. She was incredibly creative in her menu presentations. I learned a lot in spite of the circumstances and am appreciative of all my other coworkers.
Scott