Time to stop kidding myself and stop coasting on nothing. I have been hiding out at CMonster’s place for a while and want to move on. The plan 
right now is focusing on Portland. I want to move to Portland, OR and find a home. From there I will get a job as quickly as I can and just start living again.
My life has been in this weird holding pattern for 3 years. In the last three years here in San Francisco, I have aged 10 years. I feel older, been sick a lot, physically hurt a lot, allergies gone mad, sanity slowly fading. It’s been a fucking bitch living here.
I do have to say that for few blessings my time here has been like a trip through purgatory. I met my bf whom I love and adore, it’s been 3 years and we seem to be okay together. We compliment each other but we still have this weird relationship that still seems to work.
Anyway, I am working out the details and will see how I can make it all happen.
Author Archive: scott.kay
What is a Friend?
One of the things I struggled with a lot here in San Francisco is that it has been really hard telling who I am friends with and who I am not. There are people I want to hang out with and I also want people to hang out with me. Sometimes those wants/needs/desires do not come together at the same time.
Who are my friends? And why do I find the people I care about most live the furthest away? Is distance the key to keep friendships with me? It is so frustrating.
Mind you I have some people I consider to be friends here, but there are times when it is clear that the friendship is one way. Not all, but it is a mutha-fukin’ struggle to get together with people. And I have discovered that party-friends are great when the party is happening but absent otherwise.
What I want in a friend is everything I am willing to give. Maybe that is not enough. Maybe that is the core of my failures in my hubris because I have failed on so many levels …it sucks. Not to play a tired violin but while I have taken inventory of my failures they are mine. And I am a good person…. who is flawed.
What kinds of friends do I think I want?
Completely platonic people who are interesting, creative and not pretentious to go to diner with and share a drink with on occasion. Male or female or other I love you all. *
*Something inside me is not finding this person. I have hangups that keep me from finding these people at this stage of my life somehow. I think I keep looking for this next category more:
Male friends who like the naked things who love going to playful places not necessarily wanting to have sex, but comfortable enough with themselves and others that boundaries are gray. Drinking and partying may be involved but nothing so wild it gets stupid. Dancing is great, let’s make a posse, but let’s not get lost but maybe let’s get dinner. **
**Again the problem with this group is that the agenda of the other friends seem to take priority over mine or our agendas are written in different books and converge only in passing.
A posse. I want a posse. I want a group of friends who like to have adventures – food – hanging out.
Yeah, I sound kinda fucked up, right? There were people I had to hang with then I lived in Vegas and back in my Boston days. I guess I expected to find that here in San Francisco but it just has not happen. It’s been pulling teeth trying to get people together in any situation here. So I am thinking it is really really time to leave and move on.
Dreams Last Night
More weird dreams last night. At least when I have dreams they turn out to be a long story. It is often very complicated and with a lot of detail. The key is to remember them once I have been in the waking world for every long.
I do remember my ex named Adolfo being heavily involved with this one, seeming like we were still together. We lived in a house and the Tom dawg was there. I remember his sitting at a desk a lot looking through a photo album.
Now if I could remember who the women were that were in it and what their roles… I should have written this down earlier. They did seem like they were dressed in 50’s dresses and were women I knew.
We were moving things. Moving like moving into a home but we never left the big, specious home we were in.
An Exhausting Weekend
It was one of those weekends. It was one of those weekends when you are called to be the +1 with your partner and all his college friends who were getting together for a birthday. It was the time to witness drunken tomfoolery and gross gluttony and just general hetero weirdness. But there were also some very nice moments.
BF has issues
I was so uncomfortable being injected into this crowd at first. I was with a bunch of strangers sharing a house for 3 days and 2 nights and then there was my BF crawling up my ass insisting I get comfortable. It took a little while, but frankly once he blacked out from drinking I had a great time.
Gluttony Shell Fist Style
We went to have oysters at an oyster farm and ate them hand over fist. OMG they were so fantastic. We had them hot and fresh and with a lot of beer and while and various Asian liqueurs. More went back to the house, as well as a giant bag of clams, lumpia like mad and so much…. and then when we got back we met in Oakland and had Korean BBQ and left so full we were in pain.
It is time for a diet. It is time for a sensible direction and change back to decent food that is not going to kill me… oh my hell.
More Crazy Dreams
I have been having some weird dreams again lately. Nothing too freaky, but Salvador Dali might appreciate the visual anyway.
Dream #1
The night of my last post about my dog that passed, I dreamed about him. Well, my interpretation is that it was really about him. I dreamed I was unpacking some stuff from a year before and lost in a bundle of old clothes was my dog* severely dehydrated and near death.
*Note: the image was a small dog like a black poodle sweaty looking and matter with a gray tongue sticking out. This considering my Tom dog was a blonde German Sheppard. I did have a black poodle as a kid named “Cotton” who passed on at some point long long ago.
Now, I think my biological father (Jack) was with me in this dream when we found the dog who was trapped in the bundle of clothes for a year. We rushed to get the dog water. No one expected him to live a minute longer, but with the first sip of water he began showing signs of life.
Apparently he started getting healthier and at one point morphed into Charlize Theron in the same sexy dress she wore in the Chanel commercials and told me that she/he had been waiting for me to return. I think that was when I woke up, because it was bizarre.
The dog collar I mentioned in the previous post… well, I picked it up again yesterday before I left and considered taking it with me, but could not. I felt like it needed to stay. In some way I think my Tom-Dawg is still watching over my mom.
Dream #2
Well, this might be a few dreams running together from last night. They seemed to take place with me in prison.
In one part I remember being in a prison (I knew intellectually it was a prison in the dream) but it looked very industrial and sciFi. I was looking out and could see the sunset.
My Biological father and his wife
And finally, I remember being in an industrial style prison space like I mentioned and somehow being responsible for killing my biological father (Jack again). I was accused of killing him and in the course of the accusation I was wearing some kind of wrist band that held arrows in it and it misfired shooting arrows all around the room. I think I ended up shooting myself and causing some kind of flesh wound. So weird.
In a whole other part I remember being in the yard of a classic prison and seeing all kinds of things going on. People were plotting and committing small crimes, right out of Orange is the new Black, all around me. I saw someone being paid a half bottle of booze to kill someone. I saw a drug deal, I saw contraband being smuggled in. And in this case everything was in black and white.
Dogs: Past and Present
I love dogs. Well, good pets… cats have not been horrible. But dogs are the best. After my Tom-Dog passed on a year ago Mom & Bob got Maggie and she is a good girl. They have another dog named Sam who is 14 and still full of energy – relatively speaking.
Yesterday I was fixing the back seat in my moms car and Tom’s old collar fell into my hands and I was shocked. I just grasped it in both my hands and then naturally took a picture of it. Read about Tom here.
I miss having a puppy around. But I need to have a home and a life. I don’t have those things right now. It’s ahead of me. It’s part of my intention. I gave all that up 3.5 years ago for a new adventure and have been virtually lost since then.
Now, the only plus has been my bf and many of the people I have come to know in San Francisco. I need something more though and not sure where to find it.
Visiting Mom and Bob
I’m in Tehachapi, Ca visiting my mom and step-dad and helping them reassemble their house after she had all new flooring installed. The floors look great, but the people that were helping her take the stuff out were vampires and charged my mom 600 bucks. I am more annoyed the 
woman who has been helping them has been bleeding my mom for a while anyway.
Anyway, we got most of the furniture in place and thank goodness they are not bringing in all their stuff that was in here. Hopefully they will start purging. I love my hoarder parents… ha ha ha ha.
So my to-do list is growing and I am not moving as fast while I am here. I have a lot to do tomorrow and I have to leave on Friday to get back to San Francisco. C Monster and I have tickets for a show to see Peaches Christ doing Hocus Pocus! Woot!
I made dinner for us. Chinese food that came out pretty good.
Back to Faery Land
Heading back out to GroundSwell today… the new Radical Faerie idealized land in North Central California. The land is awesome though the spirit energy there is nothing like Wolf Creek. I think that will come over time, but neither do I think they want to be another Wolf Creek.
It’s been interesting seeing where they are going with this project. I talked to several different people over the last 6 months who all seem to see it differently. However, the more I learn the more it seems like the consensus is coming together. I am not part of the creative team bringing this bad boy together but am encouraged to see what happens.
I have been able to participate solely on the deepest of fringes. But who knows what the future will hold for me.
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Expanding my Creative Menu
I started another writing project based on a pretty cool idea. It’s funny how things sorta flow in the universe and I have to wonder about where some of my ideas flow from. Certainly I have a creative mind and a unique spin, but I started a book about 2 years ago and finished it’s 4th or 5th draft recently and see two productions with a similar (generally speaking) concept behind it.
Mine is certainly darker and edgier than t.v. will do and absolutely reaches past what a made for t.v. movie I heard about last night is doing. All it means is people wonder about similar things.
My writing has danced on the spiritual / metaphysical / sciFi side for all my life but I keep letting time slip by without attempting to publish anything. Seems a lot of people think they are writers and I am more than willing to hear any critical feedback on my work if only I can get someone to read it.
Besides, I want a 2nd pair of eyes on it for sentence structure, continuity and maybe some fact checking too. I have no one will to take that task on. Argh….!
But, I decided once again [note to reader: I had twice in my life sought publishing but let myself get defeated almost immediately] to look into it. I have been reading and preparing myself for the process and know it is a long process. I suppose if it were easy tons of people would have done it and there would be a lot of shitty books out there about whatever.
I have 2 books ready for the go round:
- “3 Wishes to Save the World” by me
Which really has nothing to do with saving the world but has a lot to do with much more darker and deeply rooted issue in our world evolving around race and the perception of society. - “ELDRITCH: Tale of the Four Winds” by me
Super exciting purely SciFi tale I originally wrote as a screen play for television but it made quite an amazing book. It’s 300 pages but could easily evolve in a season of very cool shows on HBO or Showtime or something like that. It’s got a lot of historical figures in it and a lot of spiritual and religious overtones but strictly for the context of the story. This one actually does have a save the world element to it… no super heroes.
I think I need to add more to my creativity section on the site and maybe I will add more about my writing.
2014 Back from the Burn
My Burn this year was kind of a breaking point for me where I think I had a chance to do better but I kinda fell apart. I went sick… sicker than I thought… with bronchitis brought on by mold in the house I was living in. When I got back it manifested into severe bronchitis and asthma. So you can imagine, even as I write this, that I am still in recover.
2014 Burning Man Experience
I did it again this year. I ran my theme camp Sun Guardians again and it went off well. I write a Sun Guardians Trip Report that was pretty technical and avoided any feelings. That was the thing… I felt really run over by a couple people, disappointed by a couple people, but mostly everyone was pretty damn awesome.
The camp happened and it was awesome. So that got me all wound up and I started working on all the plans for Sun Guardians 2015. Yes, and the plan has jumped the shark a little because the plan looks pretty freaking amazing. It’s huger!
As for Queer Burners I wrote Queer Burner Trip Report too. I kept it short and to the point because it is as if no one is really interested in criticism. It does not matter if it is critical or not. Douche baggery is permeating the mainstream burner events and it really sucks. The problem is the bitter old burners being invaded are being jerks while the wanna-be’s are also being jerks. Neither win and a majority of people are trapped in the middle.
My Own Take
I got to spend Burning Man with my partner for the fist time ever. That cynical, it’s always a joke, sarcastic Chinese/Combodian I share a bed with every night seemed to grow with the experience. Although my time was largely taken away with events and camp issues, he found his own being there with friends he will hopefully carry with him for the future.
As usual I did a lot of projects and commitments but the icing on the cake came in a couple forms: We had a date night Saturday on top of the Crisco Disco art car where I brought us crackers, hummus, and cheese – plus a box of his wine 
which we never got into which was fine. We had an amazing night. Next, when we left Burning Man we had a nice hotel moment – sexy sexy.
It was a weird week. I felt very depressed a lot through this week and lonely… of all things. Most of the week I found myself completely left behind because things needed to get done and it sucked. I had some good support and one of my leads completely fell down on me and failed to do his job. Thank goodness others stepped up.
The loneliness in the middle of a crowd of 66,000 people just completely sucked. The high points made it all worth while. I had some fears that never came to light and was hit in the face by things I did not see coming. I lost two friends this year … that sucked.
My camp… did it surpass 2013? In many ways it did but in other ways it fell apart. So… all the work I did since coming back will hopefully name 2015 strong. There is more in the Pictures Page.