Today is Tuesday, which is my Monday at my job. It’s really no different than most days, other than I know I will likely be busy-ish for the first part of the day and then the second half I have to sit at the door. I have to greet people, tell them thank you for shopping at Cliffs, and make sure they are wearing the right kinds of masks. Also, make sure nothing is leaving unpaid. Pretty basic. I am being paid a wage that fits the job… I think. All good, right?
The weight of depression and anxiety is really debilitating and feels like a huge weight on my chest. Looking out from within I keep looking for a ledge to grasp on to to keep myself moving forward. Some constants like showing up to work is the firmest foundation I have. Making sure I meet my partners needs at home (food, general house care, etc) is another.
BUT, looking out there is a monster inside that looks at that second paragraph and keeps pointing out the flaws and what it thinks I need to do. That broken Id, is a crotchety, angry old fart who keeps saying they know better. It wants me to quit this job full stop. It wants me to just take a break. Like a big break. It tells me I can survive without the illusion that I HAVE TO KEEP this job.
But that voice has been right and wrong. That voice is not a healthy thing right now. There is a lot of weight on my neck with mourning, remorse, regrets and a growing fear of social situations that is literally killing me.
Most recently I found out someone I really care about has cancer.
The fallout with my mom is still really upsetting and I cannot feel safe backing up into that lane again.
I still keep wondering if there was a way to be in a better place with my biological family, even though that is and was – unlikely.
Is my partner and I really good for each other? This January will be 10 years long.
I feel like a glob of solid lard. I have been unable to get out and get exercise. I have been unable to go to the gym, and I am paying a gym membership, but I am just stuck in a mode like my feet are sinking in mud. I do think about what it would be like to not have those worries any more.
(Heavy heavy sigh)
Good morning world.