When I moved back to Las Vegas, I thought I would be able to get right back into the flow of some things with the people I felt deeply connected to here who were a part of my original burner community. Because I have no time for social stuff, I blamed that for not being able to connect. It almost feels like that is an excuse I told myself. In fact, it also feels like the community moved on without me and my motivations are different. It feels like I am an outsider. 

It’s my own fault, because I have different priorities these days. I put those priorities into my new house, marriage, dog, and my aspirations to publish my book. On all those points, I have put all those things over my need to be social.

My writing get a priority because I feel like I am so close to having these books published. But, I might be chasing a dragon on this one. I am having a lot of self-doubts. I always seem to get close and not get there. 

I connected with my psychiatrist last week and he mentioned something that is still in my head, about me being an introvert. I have always considered myself to be an introverted/extrovert, but it feels like that scale is sliding. It definitely is because of those previously mentioned priorities. I wonder if I keep filling the wrong bucket because my people meter keeps washing out on me.  I deeply feel like I need a better balance. 

Recently a friend of mine sent me a kit for a “Clearing Kit”, which is magic. Literally, a magic kit for clearing the obstacles in your life. I am a bit afraid to use it because I can see how one of those obstacles could definitely be my marriage. So, I have to ask myself, what are the priorities I want for the future. I know I want the books published and I want to write new things. I want to write full time. I want to travel. I want to cook. I want to be with friends. 

My job is okay. I like what I do. It’s chaos defined. It gives me little room to take care of myself. Where do I go with that? <<me questions, not a you question. 

But I want to be with my friends and I want to go on adventures but I am still stuck. I miss and love so many of the people I have met in my life, but am having trouble connecting. 


Posted in Feeling it, Las Vegas 2.0, verbal diahrea.

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