2014 September Check-in

Good morning world. I looked at my analytics and it seems like people are still coming to my site, but seem to be looking at the pages with naked pics on them first. Not me, but from the 2012 Naked Bike Ride I participated in back then. It was a lot of fun, but something about this site and what it was set up for has somehow drifted.
photo 1Seems I find it harder and harder to write here and post because I am so busy doing other projects and avoiding some important things I need to be doing. It’s all about avoiding what needs to happen for what I want to happen. I want to live life on my own terms, but the delusion is that my terms are so vague and unsolved that I remain behind this computer lost in my fantasy world.

  1. Burning Man : my theme camp Sun Guardians : for two months before Burning Man in August 2014 I worked on that camp almost full time. Then when I got back I was so lit for fixing the problems of this year and making next year better that I ran full force into re-writing a plan for 2015. [my BM blog]
  2. my Writing : I have been writing since I was a teenager and am pretty damn good…. if I must say so myself. My work is contemporary and filled with colorful characters. I wold love to be published but I have no idea where to start and damn am I ready.
  3. my web sites : 2 burning man sites : queerburners.com : I can spend all the time I have in a day working on those. Hell, look at this site. I redid the whole design for it and the Burning Man part of it in a day.

10620556_1472234099668085_4276812698845279216_nWhat am I avoiding?

  1. job hunting : I need to find something that I can do to earn a living. I have become a red splatter on the pavement of the employed and am only just realizing how wrong I have taken life. Train Wreck. Bad Acid Trip.
  2. place to live : yes, I am currently homeless again. I am crashing with the boyfriend/partner. While it is good to be with him on this level and we are still strong with each other I left my last place because: hated living there, place reeked with mold, and more. I just had to get out of there thinking it would propel me forward… seems I am still stuck in the sling-shot.

I am taking this time to set money aside and do some things in the meantime. I have a month left to start getting some tread and figure out where and who I am. I want out of San Francisco… god yes!!!! Looking at East Bay, Portland, Seattle and maybe maybe Reno.

Still wondering what’s next…

So I sit here thinking about my future wondering where it will take me. Am I the driver or the passenger? It hardly seems logical that a 50 year old guy can sit here and not know where to go  with it, but I have figured out one thing and that is there is something.

You practical Goats prefer solid footing beneath your feet, so it’s unsettling now when the very things you were most sure of start to disintegrate before your eyes. Don’t panic; it isn’t like your life is falling apart. The problem is your internal GPS isn’t operating at top efficiency, so you may have to fly by the seat of your pants for a while. Loosen up and enjoy the ride — even if you have no idea where you are going.

– My horoscope today on Tarot.Com (love that site)

Anyhoo… my love of cooking is seriously dying in San Francisco working for fucking idiots who think they don’t stink and are impervious to any wrong. OMG – I have worked for some serious losers who could never see themselves in a mirror.
So my passions have a chance to emerge but it is hard to ask the universe for something when I am uncertain to what it could be.

Getting motivated for moving on

So, Alexanders is in the rear view mirror and I am not heading anywhere yet. I am very bummed out that this did not give me any space to spread my wings. I worked for someone who rather sit on how miserable she thought I and other were instead of trying to make the situation better.
She was a fairly talented pastry chef, but a horrible leader. At this stage I am seriously considering that the cooking life might not be what I need for my life right now. I want to work somewhere that has a Hello Kitty dessertgood atmosphere and I can produce lovely work. Not artsy shit like they had at Alexanders… one dessert really looked like Hello Kitty blew her brains out on a plate.
She made a dish once that  – not kidding – looked like a crap on a plate. I posted pictures of all these and more on my food site www.pastryst8.com (Facebook) if you want to see. I do not think I got the poop plate pic… but damn it was a bad joke.
So whatever happens moving forward we shall see. A new day comes tomorrow. And today I got some sun and am looking kissed by the sun!

my resignation @ Alexanders Steakhouse

Below is an email I began writing to Gail this morning with the anticipation we could make a new path toward moving into the future that I did not send, but after our conversation at the Brannan Street location today it was clear that it was time to move on. I resigned with Sean and Rahmen today and will bring my uniforms in on Monday. I hope to receive my final check and leave on as positive note as possible.
There was no communication between Gail and I in the 8 or so months that I was there and I have to assert that my desire to succeed was unseen by Gail and for whatever folly with that there was no reason to continue on. She told me she did not see my passion and even when I tried giving her examples they went over as well as most of our conversations.
While I feel misunderstood and misrepresented I made an honest effort and was willing to go stronger. But, without communication and feedback even when asked for it there was no where to go. I learned a lot while with Alexander’s and wish the future would have been brighter.
Scott
———————————————————————–
After last night I took some time to do some thinking and am writing this having considered a lot of things.
You were right about what was going on. Those souffles just cannot sit and they faded as they aged. Your name is on that menu – bottom line – and I respect that 1000%.
That being said – I want to tell you that I very nearly walked in and turned in my uniforms last week because I have been working very hard to show you my commitment level and you have given no indication that it has been visible. I had hoped that after all these months that the work and commitment I have tried to bring would resonate on any level.

  • I come in early every day and get to work without a huge amount of chatter
  • I bring my own tools and make sure I am ready to work
  • I have been there and not only producing but creating and trying to contribute
  • I tackle as much production as I can especially when it might be needed during immediate service

No other employee can say the same thing. I have been there to perform every day with the exception of days you have given me off on time or early.
I’m not a bozo and I am not scumbag and I am not retarded. We all actually joke about your go-to word calling us ‘retards’ or ‘retarded’.

  • I am a U.S. Veteran who served 6 years
  • I am a community leader and activist
  • I am a soldier in my heart still and willing to take on tasks
  • I am a patriot and I am a person who is very loyal

You say no one tells you things. These things are important. But I can fully understand that you and I are boss and employee. In spite of me feeling like you talked to me like I was – basically an idiot. I worked hard to show you I was committed and want top quality coming from our team. I do… but I am just gobsmacked about my ability to continue and being treated like a I less than human.
I get along with everyone … EVERYONE and I care about my work. I am thick skinned enough not to have complained. I have sought advice. This is a tricky business when it comes to human relations. Somehow I hoped that the superior standard Alexanders gives to their guests might apply to relations with staff as well.
Given that, it seems that is applies to some staff and not all. You do not talk to me the way you engage other people in the department. I struggled to figure out what it was and it seems like this is an issue with my age. I am twice as old as any other member on the team and if your expectations are different for me because of that then mine are of you as well because I give you every level of respect no matter what. I do try and stand up for myself but when you are right – like last night – you are right.
Why do I suspect agism? I have eliminated everything I can think of. I am there daily giving 150% and am open to any procedural changes you want me to take – because I am also here to learn a new method, procedure, idea, concept… I have absorbed so much on a level above where I came from. Yet, the negativity is just starting to feel overwhelming.
Certainly it may carry in my persona at this point because as you get ready to leave for the Los Angeles store you want to leave a legacy behind that helps you move forward to a whole new creative adventure. I want the same thing for myself… not L.A. though… I am saying I am here to better myself through this role for my own future endeavors whatever that might be.

Drifting

Why should I start with a title before writing something here? I do and then I want to change it when done. I started today’s title with: Drifting.
There are those rare moments when I feel like I am standing at the edge and close to giving up all faith. I feel like I am going no where and continuously sinking into the ground while finding nothing of a future for me. My career is a joke. I am almost 50 years old and still making $14./hour in a seriously SHIT job.
I tell people… as soon as I got a college education I started making a lot less money.
Somewhere along the way I fell down and got a bad road rash and I have been struggling and falling almost constantly for the better part of a decade.
Yes I have blessings in my life. I have what remains of my family: mom, step dad-bob, crazy step sister Christine and a few other steps  like a lot and love. Top of the pile is C Monster … he has stuck with me through hell and high water. I am lucky to have someone that loves me like that. I did little to deserve it.
On my way home form work tonight … yes 1am in the morning… I stared out of my dead eyes and I told myself I was seeing the end of the rope again. A handful of the right pills and a good solid nap I probably won’t have to deal with all that shit anymore. But… some fucked up click in the universe seems to have made an afterlife nearly as complicated as life we know.
Ending it all would hurt my mom and my C Monster and those are things I can’t leave behind. If I just gave up what would I have to live for? Often it is very much the case where I feel all I have to do is jump and get it over with.
Do you every ruminate? I have these thoughts of being really high up and falling a lot… damn if it does not freak me out. I get this vertigo feeling when up high on a ledge… freaky.

More than 10% possible

I never thought reading self-improvement books would be something I would do. But, if you read a lot of my past posts you can see where I have been dealing with a lot of issues.
I swear I was going to work on more positive things for myself… specifically focusing less on the negative. Seems when I am feeling cracked out or struggling with life’s issues coming here seems like a solution.
10% Happier from Dan HarrisI read “How to Make Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. I was half way through the second read on it when I discovered “10% Happier” which so far has been a real mirror. It was written and read through Audible.Com by Dan Harris; an ABC News Anchor. Weird how so much of what he has to say has hit home with me. My world has been quite the roller coaster in recent years.
Don’t get me wrong, don;t get me too right either, but this seems to be a big year of transformation for me and this might be the best catalyst I have added to my tool belt so far. This site will take on new shape, too, soon.
Who is reading this stuff? Who is paying attention? I know I had followers a long while back but I dropped the ball on this site a while and I think a lot of people fell off. So I am curious who is around.

Working it

Just thinking ahead for my plans this year. Although I find it hard to forge time for this blog/diary but it’s a matter of forging what is needed.
Deadline #1 is March 31st / April 1st where we need to decide where we are going. That means C Monster and me. Stay in San Francisco or move on? Stay together or move on? Career? Yes, time for change.
Deadline #2 is September 1st which is my new year anyway. But I will be back from Burning Man which should be my last.
So….those are too big ones. Goals on the other hand are different.
Goal #1 started in the first week of January getting some big bills repaired. This includes my student loans and taxes and so forth.
Goal #2 is taking shape. I owe a lot of people a lot of money and I simply cannot afford to pay people back. Holding me back partially is not being able to pay decent amounts. But…some thing is better than nothing right. So I started collecting mailing addresses and email to set up in my online bill pay.
Goal #3

So, not a lot pf feedback on my post earlier today. But, the idea that this might be considered a pit party irks the unholy shit out of my head. I got a couple of nice comments on my Facebook page but it is the ones I did not get that seem to bother me a little more.
Animated-Butterfly-WallpapersWithout going on and on I hope to change the tone of my posts. Seems I write more here when I want to make a hole in my head and let the drama leak out. Leak away, but turn into butterflies and fly away.

… Bus babble….

Seems odd that C Monster and I had another weekend so full of chaotic behavior that the end result seemingly brought us a little closer.
He fell of the wagon and threw down on some serious drinking. For those unawares he has been staying sober because he cannot handle his booze. He becomes someone I do not like.
Alas I decided to go out on my own Sunday night and had a great time, but that was with a lot of vodka. I did have a lot of fun at Powerhouse.
While I seriously considered breaking up even if it was a temporary break, I somehow realized just how much we love each other. This guy genuinely loves me and I him.
I do find myself unable to find the desire for sex with him. I get turned on, but I feel like something will go wrong. It does take me a lot longer to get to home-plate…. So, yeah.
So. There is a quick update while I am on the bus to work. So yeah. TMI huh?

Quickie quickie

So I recorded a vblog today and am going to wrap it in new graphics then publish hopefully tomorrow. I started it but did not get far before I had to leave for work.
Today is my Friday and I wish I wad off, but I have some stuff I wanna do. Of course I will post pics if I can make this project work.
So, until tomorrow.