I never thought reading self-improvement books would be something I would do. But, if you read a lot of my past posts you can see where I have been dealing with a lot of issues.
I swear I was going to work on more positive things for myself… specifically focusing less on the negative. Seems when I am feeling cracked out or struggling with life’s issues coming here seems like a solution.
I read “How to Make Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. I was half way through the second read on it when I discovered “10% Happier” which so far has been a real mirror. It was written and read through Audible.Com by Dan Harris; an ABC News Anchor. Weird how so much of what he has to say has hit home with me. My world has been quite the roller coaster in recent years.
Don’t get me wrong, don;t get me too right either, but this seems to be a big year of transformation for me and this might be the best catalyst I have added to my tool belt so far. This site will take on new shape, too, soon.
Who is reading this stuff? Who is paying attention? I know I had followers a long while back but I dropped the ball on this site a while and I think a lot of people fell off. So I am curious who is around.
Category Archives: Feeling it
Working it
Just thinking ahead for my plans this year. Although I find it hard to forge time for this blog/diary but it’s a matter of forging what is needed.
Deadline #1 is March 31st / April 1st where we need to decide where we are going. That means C Monster and me. Stay in San Francisco or move on? Stay together or move on? Career? Yes, time for change.
Deadline #2 is September 1st which is my new year anyway. But I will be back from Burning Man which should be my last.
So….those are too big ones. Goals on the other hand are different.
Goal #1 started in the first week of January getting some big bills repaired. This includes my student loans and taxes and so forth.
Goal #2 is taking shape. I owe a lot of people a lot of money and I simply cannot afford to pay people back. Holding me back partially is not being able to pay decent amounts. But…some thing is better than nothing right. So I started collecting mailing addresses and email to set up in my online bill pay.
Goal #3
So, not a lot pf feedback on my post earlier today. But, the idea that this might be considered a pit party irks the unholy shit out of my head. I got a couple of nice comments on my Facebook page but it is the ones I did not get that seem to bother me a little more.
Without going on and on I hope to change the tone of my posts. Seems I write more here when I want to make a hole in my head and let the drama leak out. Leak away, but turn into butterflies and fly away.
… Bus babble….
Seems odd that C Monster and I had another weekend so full of chaotic behavior that the end result seemingly brought us a little closer.
He fell of the wagon and threw down on some serious drinking. For those unawares he has been staying sober because he cannot handle his booze. He becomes someone I do not like.
Alas I decided to go out on my own Sunday night and had a great time, but that was with a lot of vodka. I did have a lot of fun at Powerhouse.
While I seriously considered breaking up even if it was a temporary break, I somehow realized just how much we love each other. This guy genuinely loves me and I him.
I do find myself unable to find the desire for sex with him. I get turned on, but I feel like something will go wrong. It does take me a lot longer to get to home-plate…. So, yeah.
So. There is a quick update while I am on the bus to work. So yeah. TMI huh?
Quickie quickie
So I recorded a vblog today and am going to wrap it in new graphics then publish hopefully tomorrow. I started it but did not get far before I had to leave for work.
Today is my Friday and I wish I wad off, but I have some stuff I wanna do. Of course I will post pics if I can make this project work.
So, until tomorrow.
thinking more… weighty shit
The weight of the world is on me as I write this. Dramatic as it sounds, I cannot stop thinking about everything.
My last entry was an attempt to douse a few of my distractions and close the door on some of the fucking 
bullshit I let creep into my life. Alas it just seemed to clear the road for other things.
As much as I try to hunker down and find peace and some assemblance of happiness the fleeting it is.
It’s impossible to communicate the inner conflicts and make sense of it while standing in the eye of the storm. And the storm really feels disorientating. There I go with my metaphors again.
Its how my brain seems to make sense of things but right now it just is not working.
(tmi section) Even this morning when C and I were having some yummy sexy time it all got to be too much. I just completely shut down… Information overload.
Yet I am all alone on this one too. C just can’t understand though he really tries.
I feel like I need some time alone for a while and I need the ability to figure this out, though my choices have been really questionable.
no shortage of thought
Lately, I have had a lot of reasons to spend time thinking about the practical nature of my life rather than the spiritual and fluffy-fluffy shit. Reading my recent posts, someone might assume I am a complete nut-case.
My Spiritual Side
No matter what you think I have some core beliefs that are founded on personal experiences. I have, in this life, come across a lot of spiritual forces. I have faced and seen both: ultimate spiritual evil and 
ultimate spiritual good.
And I am not talking about any Jesusy bullshit religious crap. One can see the same things in human beings. But, in this case, I am talking about spiritual forces that may or may not have names.
As spiritual and touchy feely as a lot of people I know SAY they are I am discovering how many people really are talking out of their asses. Save your sage burning and incantations for the circus.
Why sounding so pissy on this issue? I am just tired of bullshit and people looking at me like I am nuts. I am also at the point where I realized my spiritual beliefs and other beliefs are not doing me any good at all.
My Default World Side
Well, the default world is the secular world. In the pure glimpse of the world around me I am disgusted with my life save one thing… C Monster. My bf and I are going on 2 years and he loves me in spite of me and I love him.
Family
I lamented a while on how I failed my parents, dog-tom, and so many people I was close to in life. At what point does one start realizing that those failings are only as big as I make them out to be.
Today may be Tom-Dog’s last day on earth and I lost him 2 years ago. Taking him to my mom’s to stay while I figured out of San Francisco is where I needed to be was the right thing to do. She lives in the country and is home a lot, and he is bonded to her and my step-dad.
All the medical expenses this year for Tom-Dog and my parents have been astounding, but I will start helping more as soon as I can.
Friends
I can tell you I see a handful of people as my friends. Why so many of them are so far away? Why is it easier to maintain friendships with people I see once or twice a year – if that? People right here are so far away, metaphorically speaking.
One thing C Monster and I talked about last night we seem to have in common is a sad thing: we have been tabbed in the back by a lot of people we brought into our lives as friends. Only people you love can hurt you so badly.
Same with relationships, as it were, considering we both have met or became familiar with ex’s.
Why is it so hard to have friends? I think there is something inside of myself that has grown that disavowed trust in others? Non-stop betrayal and a failure of meeting expectations is the answer; my expectations but I think mostly other people. We do not seem to accept people for their scabs and all, but like many people we lean on what we think people should be instead of honoring people for who they are.
I had a close friend though, which goes against the previously spoken theory, who I had to abandon in life because I did not like WHO he was and WHAT he did to others. Like others, I walked out on them because I believed in their life they were doing harm to others or me. Vampires are everywhere and if they are unhealthy then wtf; why are there so many of them????
Conclusion
Since this post started I received a call from my mom letting me know that Tom will survive the weekend and it appears he is doing better with stronger pain medication at the vet.
I also decided that all this guilt I feel about my family is not mine to carry. I can do my best to make things right with all of them but I have to make that happen when I can and hopefully soon.
In talking with C Monster I think we figured out this is a factor in our lives we have to each grow from. We have met some amazing people, but in some cases I am suspecting some sheep are really foxes. One person keeps smiling and offering friendship to us, but keeps bringing up sex with both of us; not good with that one.
Just a few little thoughts added
After my previous post, maybe right now a Quija Board is not in my immediate future. After reading through, even for me, I cannot justify trying that right now.
Just reading through some of the things I posted and read on the sites linked I figured I am not in a place to use it.
Sigh… I am off to work soon anyway. I am at a job I am starting to hate, too. Not sure if it is my own attitude or just that I am not feeling it. I am told I bitch too much and my own outlook (attitude) is a factor and I am trying to reflect to see if that is the case.
Love & Light, yo
my mind
I don’t talk about certain things very often. Seems when I do it goes against the grain of the flow of the universe. Count this one up as one of my stranger entries.
Even my witchy friends don’t quite know how to wrap their heads around some if my shit. I swear nature tells me they should be the first ones on board my occasional crazy train but they’re not.
I am being vague on purpose. The purpose was mentioned in the first paragraph.
The world I live in is very different than yours. The solidness of air, the tingle of ambient energy, the radiance of a life force. I see into the souls of those who cannot see themselves.
Keep in mind my thoughts work in metaphors and pictures. I accept the world around me on the same premise.
It frees me to see it differently. I feel intense joy and in the secular world intense anger and resentment. Peace is hardly an option except when far removed from it all.
Good examples of this are several; Burning Man, Faery land (Radical Faery not mythical; though given the time of this entry I am sure it needed to be clarified), and just about anytime I can completely escape the digital leash.
There is a powerful vein of metaphysical energy in the world humans do not respect or honor. It can be a magical thing.
A radical faery I know once said that all humans have magic on them. I told him that simply was not true. Can’t say I know that for certain. But what I do know is seriously fucked up.
Now who sounds crazy now; yep, still me. Not sure why I needed to spill this now. Vague vernal vomit.
Wish I could just say it. But… Just flushing it out.
Goals and plans 2013 to 2014
Having trouble focusing on what I need for me. I came back from Burning Man with some new goals and have not written any of them down. Everything is a distraction and little allows for focus except for C Monster… well, I have to focus on him when he is around because our time together is becoming more precious.
My work schedule is opposite his and we have to see each other less. I cannot cook for him like I would like and that is a solid bummer. I love making us dinner at home.
Anyway, goals for the year are important and making them happen is also vital. I have not always been successful. Understand that over the many years I have figured out that September is a new beginning; it just always seems to work out that way. The rest of the year just seems to get harder and harder, but with a new outlook hopefully that will change:
Immediate Needs:
- start paying people back I owe money to; bills and rent and more… people who helped finance my Burn this year and my parents who have been taking care of my dog who has been really ill
- clean out my clutter and create more order
Oh I hate chaos and though it has it’s uses this time in my life is not it. My bills are horribly out of control and I need to regain some balance and I am really at the stage where I almost have no where to turn but bankruptcy. My student loans and some small tax issues are my biggest demons right now.
Short Term Goals include:
- September – December: Caught up on Bills / Debts
– I want to get some welding classes started
– I need a routine that includes health and fitness - December – January: Prep for 2014 which includes a new living situation, moving in with C Monster, preparing for Burning Man
– Burning Man tickets go on sale January but we are applying for low income
– Start planning for a future with C Monster - February – May: Stabilize life
– this is where life will throw me a curve ball and I will have to learn to roll with it as usual. - June – August: Prep for Burning Man
– I have decided I want to live in a more affordable place and
– Buy a car - August: Burning Man
- September – a new year begins
Longer Term Goals
- 1 year: figure out if C Monster and I are ready for the big leap:
– after financial rebuilding: move in and / possibly get married
– buy a car
– C Monster should be in school starting this year - 2 year: open my own restaurant (see below*)
Career is a big goal for me right now and despite me abandoning Dixie SF in June; I am working on a calculated plan to move ahead in my career. I am watching the ladder very carefully and trying to figure out what life is stirring me toward.
The message of the universe is not always clear, but I will tell you it was screaming at me to leave Dixie. I felt rewarded that I got a job right before Burning Man which I started right after; coincidence? I do not think so. The universe has a plan for me and I am trying like hell to make it work in a positive light for me. *I have a project I started in 2013 by registering a corporation called “Amazing Toaster, LLC” that has gone no where. But that is for another day.