Well, I had some ideas to write something that fettered out my thoughts once again, but this one will start based on my last entry. CK and I have had a lot of little fights here and there, usually due to one form of personal insecurity or another. I think it happens when 2 people are in a may/december romance like we are.
I am 47 and CK is 31. Not a huge difference, but reality is he could be my son. If I were a Chinese guy. I have to remember that my anxiety and depression cannot always take control of my senses.
Last Friday night I really jumped down his throat and I was being really unfair. I am learning I need to pause and appreciate him. He loves me and I got to embrace it. I love him and he embraces it. We really have captured something special and I hope to see it continue to grow.
I do, I admit, hate aging like I am. Inside I am struggling to avoid being a grouchy old fart. I have that bit of extra chin fat that is driving me absolutely insane. I see it in every reflection around me. It drives me nuts.
Anyhoo.. I am just saying that I am okay and we are okay. CK won’t let me post anything about him online anywhere but I am waring him down.
Category Archives: Feeling it
Tuesday after
A night later and I am much closer to being healthy again. My formula for fighting any cold is a mass amount of Nyquil and Dayquil. I went to the market earlier today in a haze and performed several tasks where I felt I had to be very very careful.
Sober and Still Shaken
Not fully satisfied with discovering that I did not get the job I was vying for (once again) I am wondering what to do next. I wrote, in very frank terms, yesterday that I was quite upset by the whole thing.
Having broken through this cold and looking forward I am at a loss of what to do. I question about focusing on one career path of finding anything that will let me survive another day. It is inconceivable that I am still standing on the sidelines.
It’s time to take some of the static away. Well, that was actually about 6 months ago. There has been so much going on and at some point one just has to go full stop.
<< Pause || >>
The Weekend End
The weekend is almost over and definitely a weird one. I was able to predict… really without knowing… that we were 4 days following a full moon because there was some crazy ass shit going on around this city. Now that was Thursday. Thus… my weekend began.
On Wednesday I had the absolutely best interview at a restaurant that could really be a new beginning for me. When I get this I will be screaming from the rooftops. I will finally be able to break away from all this technical work; web design and social networking shit. It is amazing how annoying and angst inducing all this is at the particular time.
I am putting a lot of weight on getting this job and the tension filling me is amazing; and not in a good way. I have no where to go after this. Nothing right now and knowing that is grinding salt into the would.
I can see myself in this job and when I worked IN THE JOB as part of my audition I felt like I belonged there. This is a huge leap forward for me. It makes up for all that time I lost fucking off with one thing or another.
Fucking off over Burning Man shit, moving from one hell-hole to another… just trying to move forward in life and all I do is end up spinning in my own shit.
IF I did nothing… would I be with Adolfo still living in a dead relationship? Who knows? I am with Chantha right now and I feel like we are uncommonly linked. So weird.
I can’t base my life on my love-life, but having a partner like this makes life worth living. There is something lighter about every day when you have someone looking back at you that you know you love and loves you back.
No, we have not used ‘those words’ with each other and he emphasized like a couple times and my bullshit screen knows what he means.
Bottom line… I have to know what is happening with this job. I need to know if I have a future in this city. If not… what then? I have nothing left.
The pic above was from the Cherry Blossom festival today. Actually went there with Mark yesterday and Chantha today! He got a better pic of the hot drummer and when he gets it to me I will post it.
I am just prattling a lot tonight…. sorry about that.
a dream last night
Soundtrack for this posting: play as you read
So, I woke up today feeling a little puzzled over something … I had a dream last night that I was producing a local burner event (done a few in the past) and was on site getting all the logistics in order… right. Getting people to where they needed to be and making sure the events/happenings went as they were supposed to. But, I was not really participating.
I dreamed I did all this work and all this effort.
In the dream:
I planned on sleeping in my home which was close by.
It was always dark and the few people I saw barely acknowledge I was there.
I was not unlike a ghost at the whole thing just drifting through it.
When I suddenly decided it was time to push myself into it I saw sunlight and was looking for a beer and planned on joining the action and then I woke up.
But… I do not think I knew exactly ‘what’ the action was. I was putting on a tunic, gold best and sandals. When I went looking for the 40 .oz beer there was a 2 liter bottle of diet coke in the fridge leaking. The fridge was inside a crappy tent where I was apparently setup for camping; similar setup to when I was at Burning Man last year (come to think of it).
Weird how it feels like a statement about where I am in the world right at this moment. I’ve been actively pushing through the game and all the while still feeling like I was not really playing.
Post dream:
I woke up wanting to take some kind of action… but as I heated up my coffee and toasted a bagel I realized I had no where to go. I am on a diving board and there is no sign of water in the pool… wtf????
get’n some Verbal
I feel like the highs in the last years have been equal to the lows. This universe is a double edged knife I feel like I am dancing around it. As I sit here I look back through my day thinking about how little I have actually accomplished. In a few minutes Chantha will call me and I’ll smile and go to be missing him again.
He is sleeping at his house tonight, but we spent the whole weekend together. I also spent a lot of time thinking about all kinds of stuff. It was important because it was time away from the computer and out of any routine.
Fuck… this is a world I just can’t keep track with.
I am looking at the end of the $$ that has been coming in and I need to find some source of income. What do I do in days when there is no more.
My whole life is being dumped on its side and the only things I want to hold on to I can’t seem to do at the same time. I miss Tom the Dog so much. He’s with grandma right now and I know it is a place he is happy at…. but I know he misses me too.
I let the puppy down and I let my mom down. I let people and animals down all the time it seems. Meh, sounds like a bad Korean soap opera.
Bottom line it is hard and I have no one to blame but myself. Seems like the fuse is lit and the next two weeks is the length of the fuse.
When I win the Lottery
So what is hope? What is salvation? What is happiness? I can;t say I have known any of these things in such a very long time. There has been about a dozen times when someone read my palm, read my tarot cards or something and said I was going to have a great windfall in the not so distant future…
So there you go; I already won the lottery tonight and all you bitches should just go home home and fuck-off. I bought 5 tickets today and my mom bought 5 too. You can’t win if you don’t play… and I have leverage BECAUSE the universe said so!
I am visualizing it now.. I have the Secret… I see how it will all go down:
- All MY Bills & Debts Paid | Mom’s Mortgage | Dad’s Mortgage (yes, him too) | Hire a lawyer and an Accountant… not all necessarily in that order. I guess this is how I see the priorities.
- Review my finances and my ‘BIG PICTURE’ and then move on to the list of things…
- I see college funds for nephews, nieces and (choke) grand nephews and nieces…
- I see a car and a house in my future…
- I see a short vacation…
- I see me buying a restaurant somewhere and setting up shop until I drop fucking dead….
I would totally keep Chantha with me – I believe. He’s been an amazing boyfriend and I am glad he is in my life.
I would have to do something to make the world a better place somehow… homelessness is always something that really bugged the shit out of me. Can’t do anything for the fuck-holes that won’t help themselves or will spend the rest of their lives living off someone else.
I would have to make someone’s life better; or several someones. What can I do to make your road ahead a better chance of you being a success and be able to to the same for someone else??? NOT by handing you a wad of money… fuck that.
This is my promise… this is exactly what I always expected to do with my sudden wealth… I would make my life better and people that matter as well! Yes, I see it now… I got the secret.
A New World
I have a ton of shit to do. Writing in my blogs is something I do not have time to do… but this makes two today. I just posted over in gay-burners.com as well tonight.
Bottom line… I cannot afford to live where I am living but I am gunna have to make it happen. The pluses outweigh the minuses and can lead to something very powerful I hope. Self empowering really.
Being on my own and away from certain people is a relief. Mark was just too much to deal with and this whole bi-polar thing was more than any human should have to deal with. Get medicated, bitch! Oh wait, he was and it was not enough. He was just mean.
Now, people are looking at me more often. I mean not only like I am attractive, but also making eye contact???
Well, this always happens when I am dating someone too. Maybe I look a lot less desperate or something??? I am told I look a little too eager at times. I dunno…no one was ever really good enough anyway.
I like it here. I feel good here. This is where I need to be right now. I was wondering about that when I was out of town last week.
What just happen????
This is actually part 2 of a story… or shall I say the non-readers digest version. I posted a very clean version of this tale on www.gayburners.com choosing to leave off many of the details because it was just too bizarre.
Castro Street Fair
It all started at the Castro Street Fair when I was approached by two nice guys because I was a single guy. The told me about matchmaker wonder Susan Adams of www.distinguishedgaymen.com and how I absolutely had to meet her. Indeed, she was as charming and engaging as they described. So, after taking my name and number they said they would be in touch.
It took a while, but Susan arrived in San Francisco again and was meeting with potential clients. We arranged a meeting at Cafe Flore right on the corner of Noe and Market here in the city. Something about Cafe Flore: It is in the gayest of areas in the city and is owned apparently by Burning Man people! If that is not cool enough, there is a MAN effigy on the roof of the place!
First and Only Meeting
We met and talked about a lot of things, because she was looking to be a match maker and find someone for me, or maybe me for someone?
I tried laying it all out on the table and explain why dating has been such a bitch since Adolfo and I broke up and went in separate directions. I was honest that I felt he was my last soul-mate. I described how dissatisfied I was with meeting guys because they never mentioned they were in relationships already until I thought we were starting to make a connection.
When the subject got into my Burning Man activities things started getting very slipery.
“She told me she was planning on going to Burning Man next year in our discussion over coffee. We were meeting in a local cafe called “Cafe Flore” that has a Burning Man Man on the roof and is owned by Burners. We were meeting because she was going to provide me a service and was interviewing me for this service… but she kept going back to ‘why‘ is Burning Man in your life beyond some festival that happens 7 days a year?
“When I tried explaining that the 10 Principles include things like radical self reliance, radical self expression, community involvement, etc… I explained these were things that were are not the 10 Commandments. But she countered:
‘Why wouldn’t a normal person just do the right thing? Why is Burning Man in your life beyond some festival that happens 7 days a year?’
“Not everyone just does the right things and we are looking this as guidelines for a community. It’s a culture. It’s an ideal.
Part of Burning Man for me is the nearly unquestionable inclusion and acceptance in the local and major events. Those 10 Principles referred to here and there in the original story are guidelines people opting into the culture generally adapt and apply in daily life.
I also talked about the Radical Faeries and how I am enjoying my engagement with them?
“What is it about these people you find attractive?” she asked [paraphrased]
“From what I have seen the Radical Faeries are about gay people being as expressive and as real as they want without being burdened by the condemning eye of people who cannot understand… I love the ability to just put it out there.”
Keep in mind she started off telling me how much she wanted to go to Burning Man. If you know me I am the cheerleader on crack kool-aide drinkin’ cartwheelin’ Burning Man believer… all hale Larry!
“In the course of our conversation and how she kept referring to it being just a 7 day event that begins and ends and then, as she said, ‘people return to their normal lives’ I gave her a suggestion. I said, in the nicest way possible, cushioning it and told her: Maybe Burning Man is really not for you.”
Conclusion
There is no way I could afford paying her for this service. Maybe at this point she caught up with the calculation and she decided she could not invest in what I was bringing to the table. Or… perhaps my suggestion that she pass on Burning Man was insulting?
It was this bi-polar moment when we were having an engaging conversation, she was showing me pictures of her in the 80’s as a match-maker, and asking all kinds of personal questions. I answered them all but we stalled cold.
Susan shut down faster then a vampire at sunrise and closed the folder, shook my hand wishing me good luck, and stomped away. I saw literally sitting there for at least 5 minutes trying to figure out what just happen.
WHAT JUST HAPPEN????
I sat there dazed and Susan walked through the restaurant and came out the other side then walked right past me in a daze? I have to wonder if she had a stroke or something happen to cause such a bizarre shift in mood. Needless to say I will not be a part of www.distinguishedgaymen.com and my application is: DENIED!
Memories Love Lost
Today I had some thoughts left over from yesterday. Well, after a restless night last night I woke up feeling kinda crappy. Once in a while I have dreams through the night that only set me up full of anxiety when I rise and this was one of those days.
A dream I had … what I remember of it … I made dinner for people that included what I recall was a pot roast with brown gravy and root vegetables. I added bourbon to the gravy and it made this woman (who looked like Fifine Brightman) and the other guests so excited. For some reason I remember all the guests being black people.
I digress here as last night I was working on my Sun Guardians site and noticed this guy Joel Wang was someone I thought was so sweet and wonderful. I never met him except through Facebook; but one night at a Comfort and Joy party called Afterglow I finally got to meet him. Well, every day on Facebook I see us tethered in some way through a mutual connection or even a Poke I never got rid of. He died, for me which was suddenly, not very long ago. Maybe it’s been a month maybe more.
Last night I just passed through his profile looking at pictures and remembering the wonderful things he said to me over the last…. I don’t know how long.
Furthermore, it got me thinking about how many people I have lost so far in life. Almost all due to HIV/AIDS and this includes 2 people I was very much in love with. Ron Herrera was my BF in 1992ish and we were together a while but I broke it off for stupid reasons… then he met this guy named Peter and next thing I knew they were both dead.
As for the second person, he is still alive, but I lost him long before the diagnosis. When his mom died he turned to stone a bit and my flakiness did not help the situation much. Yeah I was a douche. I openly admit it.
Yet the list goes on and on. Almost every friend of mine who became HIV+ became this mean, self-involved, self-loathing, angry person and basically shoved people away who wanted to care and be supportive – loving – and helpful. This includes the douche I live with… talk about universal payback.
I sat downstairs this morning and all I could do was cry at what I appreciated from Joel. I felt overwhelming grief for those two men whom I loved unlike any other and probably like anyone in the future. These were all funerals I never got to attend. I get to grieve only in my heart.
In loving memory:
- Ron Herrera
- Irwin Bajadas
- Scott Foster
- Taylor
- Eloy
- Joel Wang
Just the names I think about a lot… for some they passed so long ago. It never feels good.
VLOG: Sunset in San Francisco
Was just a beautiful night and I got all video happy again!