As usual it is a year and a day since I made my last entry so much has happened and I forget about this thing. This blog. I used to be so good at keeping it updated.
I had an honest to goodness acid trip at a new Beltane and in the same week I went through a lot of emotional shit.
Tom the dog is having surgery on Friday and I can’t be there. I’ve had to face so much recently. Facing the mirror sucks especially when you hate what is looking back.
Drama and bullshit everywhere. I’ll try and write more soon. Sigh….
Category Archives: Feeling it
Happy New Year
C Monster and I decided to play through the new year separately because I wanted to ‘party’ while he was choosing to remain sober after a drunken disaster my birthday turned into. It was a great birthday on Saturday night but it did not finish well.
I spent Sunday moping about with my hoodie on and watching, what is my latest fascination, “The United States of Tara”. I absolutely love the show and relate all too well to the family discourse. But, I am absolutely smitten by the charming anchor to the show – the son Marshall discovering himself as a gay teen. Omg he is adorable and it is cool watching this character develop.
Anyway, no it is not a pervert POV just fascinated and jealous about what it is / was to be that age.
Anyway, been a really hard end of the year emotionally. It was a good year. I am so afraid of getting old. I am so fucked up and I do some stupid fucked up things.
However, in about a week will mark 1 year with C Monster. I am not allowed to use his real name or image, but occasionally he gives me permission. I love him – faults and all – but I am more fragile than I want… whatever.
I gotta get rid of this hangover.
SantaCon SF on Saturday
Well, finally hit SantaCon in SF this weekend and went with C Monster. He actually dressed up in costume and went outside…. wow.
While the day may not have gone as smoothly and joyous as anticipated I feel like I had a good day. Unfortunately this was a weekend of too much ‘holiday cheer’ from a bottle and it effected us a lot.
I went to Satunalia on my own last night and C Monster went out on his own. Doing things on our own is good, but one has to be careful not to take it too far. I have not been able to reach him since last night. #worried
just gotta write something
I tend to let this thing slide because I am going in too many directions at a time and just need to let people – who give a shit – I am still alive. And I am!
Yes, still with “C” and we are fast approaching year 1 together and this is my best relationship ever. We have had some shit-storms but what relationship hasn’t.
Still working and details on that are at www.RedCarte.com where I have managed to create more posts than here recently. At least there you can see pictures of the stuff I made.
The first holiday of the season was a ship-wreck (Thanksgiving), but more details on that soon too. I need to update this fucking page.
I have found a new sickness… called Tumblr. But I might add something tonight that will feed into this site, too. Mucho naked boys that make me 8===O boink! Talk soon!
Back from Burning Man
I arrived back in San Francisco in the weeeee hours of Tuesday morning (about 3:00 am) and had to be off to work by 6:00 am. The drive home took 2x longer than getting there. And no, not because of Exodus, as an experienced Burner might suggest, because it took less than an hour to leave Burning Man on Monday afternoon.
I had a smashing time with Foxy and Sarah on the way back… my Jewish Jersey Girl and my Essex Brit Girl… I kept hearing the theme from Anywhere is Essex in my head when we were hanging out… but that means nothing really (bad Brit reality show).
I have been exhausted and feeling under the weather all week. But today I feel fairly strong. With the exception of being hit by a bus yesterday… yes for real.
I will talk more about my trip here and on www.QueerBurners.com as the days progress. I have so little time.
Based on my past entry
Well, I had some ideas to write something that fettered out my thoughts once again, but this one will start based on my last entry. CK and I have had a lot of little fights here and there, usually due to one form of personal insecurity or another. I think it happens when 2 people are in a may/december romance like we are.
I am 47 and CK is 31. Not a huge difference, but reality is he could be my son. If I were a Chinese guy. I have to remember that my anxiety and depression cannot always take control of my senses.
Last Friday night I really jumped down his throat and I was being really unfair. I am learning I need to pause and appreciate him. He loves me and I got to embrace it. I love him and he embraces it. We really have captured something special and I hope to see it continue to grow.
I do, I admit, hate aging like I am. Inside I am struggling to avoid being a grouchy old fart. I have that bit of extra chin fat that is driving me absolutely insane. I see it in every reflection around me. It drives me nuts.
Anyhoo.. I am just saying that I am okay and we are okay. CK won’t let me post anything about him online anywhere but I am waring him down.
Tuesday after
A night later and I am much closer to being healthy again. My formula for fighting any cold is a mass amount of Nyquil and Dayquil. I went to the market earlier today in a haze and performed several tasks where I felt I had to be very very careful.
Sober and Still Shaken
Not fully satisfied with discovering that I did not get the job I was vying for (once again) I am wondering what to do next. I wrote, in very frank terms, yesterday that I was quite upset by the whole thing.
Having broken through this cold and looking forward I am at a loss of what to do. I question about focusing on one career path of finding anything that will let me survive another day. It is inconceivable that I am still standing on the sidelines.
It’s time to take some of the static away. Well, that was actually about 6 months ago. There has been so much going on and at some point one just has to go full stop.
<< Pause || >>
The Weekend End
The weekend is almost over and definitely a weird one. I was able to predict… really without knowing… that we were 4 days following a full moon because there was some crazy ass shit going on around this city. Now that was Thursday. Thus… my weekend began.
On Wednesday I had the absolutely best interview at a restaurant that could really be a new beginning for me. When I get this I will be screaming from the rooftops. I will finally be able to break away from all this technical work; web design and social networking shit. It is amazing how annoying and angst inducing all this is at the particular time.
I am putting a lot of weight on getting this job and the tension filling me is amazing; and not in a good way. I have no where to go after this. Nothing right now and knowing that is grinding salt into the would.
I can see myself in this job and when I worked IN THE JOB as part of my audition I felt like I belonged there. This is a huge leap forward for me. It makes up for all that time I lost fucking off with one thing or another.
Fucking off over Burning Man shit, moving from one hell-hole to another… just trying to move forward in life and all I do is end up spinning in my own shit.
IF I did nothing… would I be with Adolfo still living in a dead relationship? Who knows? I am with Chantha right now and I feel like we are uncommonly linked. So weird.
I can’t base my life on my love-life, but having a partner like this makes life worth living. There is something lighter about every day when you have someone looking back at you that you know you love and loves you back.
No, we have not used ‘those words’ with each other and he emphasized like a couple times and my bullshit screen knows what he means.
Bottom line… I have to know what is happening with this job. I need to know if I have a future in this city. If not… what then? I have nothing left.
The pic above was from the Cherry Blossom festival today. Actually went there with Mark yesterday and Chantha today! He got a better pic of the hot drummer and when he gets it to me I will post it.
I am just prattling a lot tonight…. sorry about that.
a dream last night
Soundtrack for this posting: play as you read
So, I woke up today feeling a little puzzled over something … I had a dream last night that I was producing a local burner event (done a few in the past) and was on site getting all the logistics in order… right. Getting people to where they needed to be and making sure the events/happenings went as they were supposed to. But, I was not really participating.
I dreamed I did all this work and all this effort.
In the dream:
I planned on sleeping in my home which was close by.
It was always dark and the few people I saw barely acknowledge I was there.
I was not unlike a ghost at the whole thing just drifting through it.
When I suddenly decided it was time to push myself into it I saw sunlight and was looking for a beer and planned on joining the action and then I woke up.
But… I do not think I knew exactly ‘what’ the action was. I was putting on a tunic, gold best and sandals. When I went looking for the 40 .oz beer there was a 2 liter bottle of diet coke in the fridge leaking. The fridge was inside a crappy tent where I was apparently setup for camping; similar setup to when I was at Burning Man last year (come to think of it).
Weird how it feels like a statement about where I am in the world right at this moment. I’ve been actively pushing through the game and all the while still feeling like I was not really playing.
Post dream:
I woke up wanting to take some kind of action… but as I heated up my coffee and toasted a bagel I realized I had no where to go. I am on a diving board and there is no sign of water in the pool… wtf????
get’n some Verbal
I feel like the highs in the last years have been equal to the lows. This universe is a double edged knife I feel like I am dancing around it. As I sit here I look back through my day thinking about how little I have actually accomplished. In a few minutes Chantha will call me and I’ll smile and go to be missing him again.
He is sleeping at his house tonight, but we spent the whole weekend together. I also spent a lot of time thinking about all kinds of stuff. It was important because it was time away from the computer and out of any routine.
Fuck… this is a world I just can’t keep track with.
I am looking at the end of the $$ that has been coming in and I need to find some source of income. What do I do in days when there is no more.
My whole life is being dumped on its side and the only things I want to hold on to I can’t seem to do at the same time. I miss Tom the Dog so much. He’s with grandma right now and I know it is a place he is happy at…. but I know he misses me too.
I let the puppy down and I let my mom down. I let people and animals down all the time it seems. Meh, sounds like a bad Korean soap opera.
Bottom line it is hard and I have no one to blame but myself. Seems like the fuse is lit and the next two weeks is the length of the fuse.