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Internal Struggle that I am losing….

STOP ASKING ME WHAT TIME I HAVE TO BE AT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not a job. This is not the same kind of hum-drum daily routine work

thing people typically know. This position is not even carved in stone yet because

at MASH Village they are inventing this position. I had my concerns as I went

into it that it would not be enough… or that the position would not live up

to the expectations. Well, I went to the training yesterday and am encouraged…

but the people running the show appear to think that people like me canbe placed

on a meat hook and left to chill while they fart around making no decisions.

Granted, these people have a hard job. Their perspective is probably distorted

because of the element they are immersed in with homeless and not so rational

people. But damn, I am in limbo here. I get to linger off in space while they

decide if and when they are going to call me.

SO! Now I am panicking. I thought I was going to start working full time and

I find that I am in limbo once again. So, I login to AIM this morning and EVERYONE

is asking me when I am leaving for work. Finally, Ihad to shut it off or scream.

No one could know why I was distressed. No one could be blamed except for me.

I am so upset right now!

Last night I was also upset because someone I know lost their job. I was depressed

for a couple of reasons, ya know. Well, will he be okay? This guy has also been

helping to keep my head above water with some $$$ assistance and I felt like

I had a safely net. Well, is my safety net gone? Will I be able to pay rent

at the end of the month?

YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND…. See my diary entry from 2 days

ago. I think if you scroll down you can see it. I was distressed over the question:

what will make me happy…. or in other words what do I need to make me happy?

I also thik it mutated into something else. Well, Gary wrote me back with one

of his usual great replies:

—–Original Message—– From: Gary Beck []

Sent: Tuesday, April 16, 2002 4:07 AM To: Subject:

Horoscope Scott, I was a bit perplexed with your diary. Up until Saturday you

seemed to be going great guns and were happy and all that. Yesterday, some of

the stress of starting a new job I’m sure sunk in, but you were back to some

of the previous tendencies of second-guessing yourself and others. I guess my

take on that horoscope was this. Here’s my disclaimer, too. Please don’t be

angry with me for making some judgment calls. This is all based on what I’ve

read over the past couple of years in your diary. Given that, love bug, here

we go. You seem to spend an awful lot of energy focusing on the external. You

definitely have a spiritual side, but all too often the source of true happiness

is crowded out by your desire to have the right look, make money, etc. That

horoscope really struck me that perhaps Scott needs to truly be happy with himself

as himself. Some of these things just keep coming back again and again which

is part of the reason I say this. You need to be happy inside first and foremost.

Once you are, the rest of life is going to fall into place. It’s hard to invite

people into your life when you let the clutter mask everything and hide the

beauty. Hope that wasn’t too much. You know I only want you to be truly happy,

Scott. You have such a beautiful spirit. Let that shine and you’ll attract so

many great things for your life. You know I love you, baby! Good luck on your

first day at work. Gary

This man has the best head on his shoulders!

WHAT ELSE???? Well, I am working on all my prospects. The

reason is that I have issues with finding a real J.O.B.. First of all, there

is little work for my background here. Getting into something has been hard.

There are a lot of entry level jobs here, too. Why not be a waiter? Why not

flip burgers? Well, I do not think I could do these kinds of jobs. Plus, they

pay so little that I stillcould not survive… but then again am I am making

nothing now.

I am working on several projects right now to build my future. I took a step

back and started approaching my business with AHE in a different way. With help

from pal-genius Jeff I might actually make some headway. I am so frustrated

with Allan and his dad right now because they have their own lives going on

and I am not getting any solid business stuff done with them… it’s just a

pain in the ass. I have been working on business plans for this project for

1.5 to 2 years and have made absolutely no headway. We have thrown away money,

as far as I am concerned, with some of these purchases. The only plus is some

of the networking we have been able to do.

AM I DELUDING MYSELF AGAIN??? What the hell am I thinking?

I am grateful that Allan and my New Jersey Angel have had faith in me to help

support me and give me the space I needed to blossom. But what has grown here?

Am I just a weed? Am I to be uprooted and tossed away? Why can’t I achieve and

succeed??? Am I facing another wall? I want to live my dream and I want to work

hard. I do not want to be a slave any more.

And then… when I look at my support network… I feel very alone. Gary (mentioned

above) is a true light. Mikey is a super-duper sweet guy and I feel very lucky

to have him in my life. But, since he got back from Toronto I get this sense

he does not need me anymore. I get this feeling he is so intent on being a free

spirit that our friendship is less important??? Last night he and I went out

and I had so much fun, but it all turned so abruptly. Yes – I was a little lit

on a great frozen cocktail… My friends in Los Angeles have virtually vanished…

except Jeff. My friends in Boston are off in their own worlds. I feel very alone.

I want to be the most I can be. I want to be a meteor and a bright light that

makes a positive effect on someone else in this life. I hope that one day I

can take the positive support I received from people… financially and emotionally…

and pass it on to someone in a generation behind me. Someone like Jared (Syko-Boy)

who is so young right now and I want to see successful.

I am a climbed who makes some strides forward and slides back. I am a climber

who may have chose a Teflon surface? Have I chosen an impossible path? Will

I ever know where I need to go????? Is there any joy or security left for me

in the world?

No… seriously.

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