This is not a job. This is not the same kind of hum-drum daily routine work
thing people typically know. This position is not even carved in stone yet because
at MASH Village they are inventing this position. I had my concerns as I went
into it that it would not be enough… or that the position would not live up
to the expectations. Well, I went to the training yesterday and am encouraged…
but the people running the show appear to think that people like me canbe placed
on a meat hook and left to chill while they fart around making no decisions.
Granted, these people have a hard job. Their perspective is probably distorted
because of the element they are immersed in with homeless and not so rational
people. But damn, I am in limbo here. I get to linger off in space while they
decide if and when they are going to call me.
SO! Now I am panicking. I thought I was going to start working full time and
I find that I am in limbo once again. So, I login to AIM this morning and EVERYONE
is asking me when I am leaving for work. Finally, Ihad to shut it off or scream.
No one could know why I was distressed. No one could be blamed except for me.
I am so upset right now!
Last night I was also upset because someone I know lost their job. I was depressed
for a couple of reasons, ya know. Well, will he be okay? This guy has also been
helping to keep my head above water with some $$$ assistance and I felt like
I had a safely net. Well, is my safety net gone? Will I be able to pay rent
at the end of the month?
YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND…. See my diary entry from 2 days
ago. I think if you scroll down you can see it. I was distressed over the question:
what will make me happy…. or in other words what do I need to make me happy?
I also thik it mutated into something else. Well, Gary wrote me back with one
of his usual great replies:
—–Original Message—– From: Gary Beck [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Tuesday, April 16, 2002 4:07 AM To: email@example.com Subject:
Horoscope Scott, I was a bit perplexed with your diary. Up until Saturday you
seemed to be going great guns and were happy and all that. Yesterday, some of
the stress of starting a new job I’m sure sunk in, but you were back to some
of the previous tendencies of second-guessing yourself and others. I guess my
take on that horoscope was this. Here’s my disclaimer, too. Please don’t be
angry with me for making some judgment calls. This is all based on what I’ve
read over the past couple of years in your diary. Given that, love bug, here
we go. You seem to spend an awful lot of energy focusing on the external. You
definitely have a spiritual side, but all too often the source of true happiness
is crowded out by your desire to have the right look, make money, etc. That
horoscope really struck me that perhaps Scott needs to truly be happy with himself
as himself. Some of these things just keep coming back again and again which
is part of the reason I say this. You need to be happy inside first and foremost.
Once you are, the rest of life is going to fall into place. It’s hard to invite
people into your life when you let the clutter mask everything and hide the
beauty. Hope that wasn’t too much. You know I only want you to be truly happy,
Scott. You have such a beautiful spirit. Let that shine and you’ll attract so
many great things for your life. You know I love you, baby! Good luck on your
first day at work. Gary
This man has the best head on his shoulders!
WHAT ELSE???? Well, I am working on all my prospects. The
reason is that I have issues with finding a real J.O.B.. First of all, there
is little work for my background here. Getting into something has been hard.
There are a lot of entry level jobs here, too. Why not be a waiter? Why not
flip burgers? Well, I do not think I could do these kinds of jobs. Plus, they
pay so little that I stillcould not survive… but then again am I am making
I am working on several projects right now to build my future. I took a step
back and started approaching my business with AHE in a different way. With help
from pal-genius Jeff I might actually make some headway. I am so frustrated
with Allan and his dad right now because they have their own lives going on
and I am not getting any solid business stuff done with them… it’s just a
pain in the ass. I have been working on business plans for this project for
1.5 to 2 years and have made absolutely no headway. We have thrown away money,
as far as I am concerned, with some of these purchases. The only plus is some
of the networking we have been able to do.
AM I DELUDING MYSELF AGAIN??? What the hell am I thinking?
I am grateful that Allan and my New Jersey Angel have had faith in me to help
support me and give me the space I needed to blossom. But what has grown here?
Am I just a weed? Am I to be uprooted and tossed away? Why can’t I achieve and
succeed??? Am I facing another wall? I want to live my dream and I want to work
hard. I do not want to be a slave any more.
And then… when I look at my support network… I feel very alone. Gary (mentioned
above) is a true light. Mikey is a super-duper sweet guy and I feel very lucky
to have him in my life. But, since he got back from Toronto I get this sense
he does not need me anymore. I get this feeling he is so intent on being a free
spirit that our friendship is less important??? Last night he and I went out
and I had so much fun, but it all turned so abruptly. Yes – I was a little lit
on a great frozen cocktail… My friends in Los Angeles have virtually vanished…
except Jeff. My friends in Boston are off in their own worlds. I feel very alone.
I want to be the most I can be. I want to be a meteor and a bright light that
makes a positive effect on someone else in this life. I hope that one day I
can take the positive support I received from people… financially and emotionally…
and pass it on to someone in a generation behind me. Someone like Jared (Syko-Boy)
who is so young right now and I want to see successful.
I am a climbed who makes some strides forward and slides back. I am a climber
who may have chose a Teflon surface? Have I chosen an impossible path? Will
I ever know where I need to go????? Is there any joy or security left for me
in the world?