Frustration. Stress. Tension. Anxiety. Nerves. Sadness. Thought…
Everything in the previous sentence are words applying to the moment. I want
to cry, but I can’t. There is so much going on in my life and I think that today
I started seeing the limits again. It’s time for the walls to expand a little
and make more room. I run into walls some times, but the idea is to learn how
to make the space more able to expand and hold it all together. My walls are
flexible… some times it takes a while to stretch.
So… no need to go into all the things that are happening. They are all contained
in these diary pages already. Needless to say that tomorrow I start the new
job and I uncertain what that will bring. I have had no money coming in for
so long and I am borrowing out the wazzooo to get by. I am seeing Adolfo still
and that is going well. Yesterday we had a nice evening out and tonight we seemed
to engine parts moving at different speeds, this is why I think I am starting
to hit my walls.
This week I started asking myself …what will make me happy? What elements
need to be present to make me happy? Ironically, my horoscope today on Yahoo.Com
presented me with the following:
Capricorn Horoscope (by astrocenter.com) You may be driving yourself crazy
by trying to be someone who you are not, dear Capricorn. Perhaps you were inspired
a long time ago to do something or be someone specific. The reality has finally
hit that this is not what you are fated to do or become. Dealing with the truth
of the situation may be difficult for you to handle. Perhaps your whole self-identity
was wrapped up in this particular concept. You must now rebuild the structure
of who you are. It is better to do it now rather than later.
What does that mean and what the hell??? I started this whole "What do
I need to make me happy?" thing starting on Saturday and feel like it is
something I need to be doing right now. Adolfo would not understand it, but
this may be a whole ‘white-boy’ thing with issues of anxiety and stress. I know
we have this tendency to fixate on things that are not so really important.
Somehow, this question seems to be very important to me right now.
If I look at the horoscope entry in itself I would ask what path am I on that
is not right for me? Honestly, I have been thinking about moving away from Technology
Support and being the slave of so many people. I deeply desire to begin a business
operation and have been pouring a lot of time into a project here in Las Vegas.
In fact, it was the reason I moved here.
These can take flight, but I wonder if the fruits of my work will ever come
to fruition. I wonder if they will turn into what I hope they will. I have worked
so long and hard on this only to be felled by people and new walls that I hurdle
as much as I can. I can jump pretty high if forced to.
I went to the Dahan Institute to see about starting classes in Message Therapy
which would be a 7 month program starting on May 25th. I also am looking at
a Culinary Arts Degree at UNLV. I wanted to do a more tactile type of work in
the future and these can help me do that. Right now I am working several enterprises
to earn money and not a damn one is working! Maybe that is what the Horoscope
is all about, huh?
Well, crap. Who knows? Gary – do you know? Floyd??? Mikey??? Momma???
Well, wish me luck tomorrow. I am off on another new adventure.