The angels special last night was on the History Channel. It was interesting… Cher is on tonight with her farewell performance. She is good. I bet my ex Brian is swimming in his own joy tonight. He’s a devoted Cher loyalist and worshiper. I would not be surprised that he was in the audience during the taping of the show. Oi…

He songs make me feel sad and meloncholy. They bring back a lot of memories and not until you’re listening or watching do you realize just how much this bitch has done. She is phenomenal. Why is Celen Dion at the Forumn at Ceasars????? It should be Cher!

Time for bed. Nighty night!

I am neglecting my diary again. What a poop I am. This is my one year anniversary with Adolfo. All last week we fought about something new and old every day. I was so ready to walk away and close the door on some bad memories. BUT, things seem to have come back full circle. I think if we are going to celebrate an anniversary we need to figure out exactly WHAT that date will be. I’ll be sure to elt you know.

School has been stressful. I am almost paid out through next year, but I am struggling to make ends meet here. I went to school without a book, but one fell into my hands. I could not afford it. But thank God and my spirits that I had someone-thing looking out for me. Now if I could get that angel to give me an extra boost with some more extra cash.

I visited the Nevada Small Business Development… something with an A … this week. I got some good feedback, but have more work to put into the business plan. Anyway, I will try and update more of this tomorrow. Something on Discovery channel in the next room is calling my attention. Some special on angels?????

On Monday night, Adolfo and I spent a nice evening together. I was so upset by him from words we had on Saturday, that it took me THAT long to cool down. Oh, I was so ticked… it’s funny HOW we are together some times. He was apologetic, but apologetic for issues we both have. We started doing some things anew with each other like taking the puppy dog for long walks at night and getting a little exercise. I also made some nice dinners! It was coooool!

Anyway… only ONE PERSON repsonded to my last diary entry. God it was gothic! God it was dismal! But… I was writing from my gut!

Later homies… oh! Today was my last final exam. There is a good chance I am looking at B’s across the board. Yippee!

In case anyone was wondering…. I am a complete mental defect! I am deluded. I am borderline insane. I live in a fantasy world so bent and twisted that I should be something other than what I am. What does that mean? Well, I have been doing a lot of reflecting again lately and struggling with some things in life. I am stratching at the gravel tring to escape a sink-hole of life and putting on a mask to appear like everything is good and solid.

It’s all a lie. I am a marter dangling from a gallow, my feet kicking as my fingers bleed trying to loosen the rope from around my neck. I scream out and no one can hear me. I ask for help and people cannot see me. I need guidance but I am not worthy. My audience is laughing at me as I struggle to breath. I am my own clown and no one takes a clown seriously.

These rantings seem unfiltered, but they all make sense as I write them out. I understand the meaning of them all, but do not ask me to explain them. They sound pathetic and full of self-pity. They are self demeaning and echo naked and unheard. I am alone. I am denied and again… I am unworthy.

My life is swollowing me whole and knashing me with it’s teeth. I would shed the coat of weight that holds me back if it did not fit so well. I would fly but the anchors hold me restrained; with hooks through my flesh and my eyes blind folded. I reach out and I feel the cold.

…… makes you wonder? Makes me wonder? I am a man born with wings but I took root. A man can not live with wings and roots? Nah…

My web site is on a new server now. I moved it off my old provider that I was using when AHE existed and am completely using my hotmail account instead of most other e-mail addresses. I am also trying to get Adolfo set up with e-mail through my hotmail account, but the people at MSN have not been very helpful. Typical support people fail to listen to what is happening.

This war thing is getting nutty ass big. The media as usual is shoveling it all down our throats! I got home today to see some pretty impressive bombing and I have to tell you… I do not know what is more scary…. our bombs or Saddam’s ego. This is a rhetorical question mind you.

I took my first yoga class yesterday and the birkenstock princess running the show was all about peace and feelings of inner peace… blah blah blah peace there and peace here. I love these people, they are usually the first to snap and get all nasty and mean. I could see she probably carried more baggage than Gucci.

Anyway… I went to an SBA expo last night and made some really good contacts. I felt a little lost as while I was there I just stared at the 30 or so banks that were there and realized I hate bankers. I associate them with car dealers and most lawyers. Yeck! SO, I am on a new path of success.

I also stopped by the Psychic Eye Bookstore for a few bobbles to support my spiritual side (right Gary?). While I was there I got a short reading. The woman was fried out and unable to draw a clean reading… but she took my money anyway.

In business, she said I would have money in 3 months for my business and would be in business in a year. [The idea that something will keep my in Vegas longer then expected is abismal] She also told me that a person wants to invest with this business and take and interest in my business. That could be people in my life now or someone new??? Mind you, she seemed off base on a lot of things. But, hell, I do not know.

She also told me that my realtionship would not last much longer. She described my mate as a dark haired woman… though I corrected her. She asked if we were together just under a year… which was true.

I am very reluctant to swollow these psychic readings. But she was strangely on target about a couple things which kinda got me thinking a bit, too. Hmmm… time will tell, huh? It makes me worry about my step-dad more.

Anyway… talk soon!

Good morning…. another week… another weekend. Yesterday was my Monday for my new job at the Grand Lux Cafe where I work as a Line Cook. I am still in training and have more to learn. I have to memorize a series of recipes for certain workstations. It’s a bit grueling… but I am trying to stick to it. I met a guy last night who had been working there for about a month and he moaned about how much he did not like it. He was cute too… looked a lot like this guy I know in Mexico named Omar.

Generally, things have been going really well with Adolfo and I. I suppose that is why you have not seen too much bitching on the web site about US. I also deleted my old e-mail address this week and am trying to get people to start using my new one. This is because I am going to leave my hosting provider for a new one I contracted last month. This one, superb.net, is way too expensive.

I gotta get my but in gear here. Talk soon!

Sometimes I take a while towrite something here. This time I am allowed some latitude. I have been working a lot and and going to school which has left little to no free time. I am working 3 jobs and school full time. My oldest job, a side business I have been running, is currebtly close. Working at Sur La Table, I am there part time only right now which includes an absolute minimum of hours. And last, I am working full time at a major Las Vegas restaurant and cming home exhausted nightly. I am off today and Thursday!

Since I have more time tomorrow I will work on writing more. XOXO

Life is getting so busy. As insane as it is, I am troubled that I will lose myself and lose track of things I valued in the past. I worry about Tom getting neglected and I worry that Adolfo will feel the same too. We talked about our commitments tonight. I will be working full time plus… I think. Plus going to school full time. Man this is going to be tough.

Our argument was finally finished on Sunday. Last night we had the most remarkable sex! The love and the passion was so damn hot I nearly collapsed afterward. I was el;aving the gym and he told me he was taking a bath.. so I rushed home. OH MY HELL as Ed would say.

I am going to busy for the next week, big time. Talk soon… xo Scott

Fucking March is here already. I swear February went by way too fast! I feel a little dizzy from it all going by so fast, ya know. I haope everyone saw the birthday pics from Adolfo’s birthday as well as the old Christmas pics I posted. I am sutre mom is less than thrilled with me over it. Considering she was dead tired when she was when they were taklen, but wasn’t Tom cute????

School has been good as well. I got most of my grades from mid terms and have B’s and A’s. This is a good sign, but things are changing and I still need money to get through it all. This quarter will be over in less than a month and we have only a 1 week break in the meantime. Usually there is 2 or 3 weeks off, but not this time.

Good news is that I have been hired into a new job. I got the news 2 days ago when I went to interview. I have once again found the ideal job! I have been hired as a line cook at the Grand Lux Cafe which is one of the biggest restarant in Las Vegas. I am in a distinguished position and will probably bve starting at the grill. Grand Lux is a higher end Cheesecake factory. The company is owned by them, but their menu and entre are distinctly different. So, yippeee for me!

As for Adolfo and I… I have been thinking too much and do not how or if I shold be tunring it off. There are times when we are so warm and loving toeach other, but there is an equal amount of time where we are in different worlds and space. I donot know if that is normal. I ask myself and you if I am deluded? I see couples that seem okay whenever I see them together. I know there is always more going on behind the scenes than what is visible on the surface! I am sure of that.

When I look into the future I do not see Adolfo with me. I see myself leaving him eventually and the demands of my life these days will probably be the linching pin that will divide us further. I fear that Adolfo and I will drift further apart. Him, because of his independance and willfulness. Me, because of my independance and focus on perosnal success.

Both of us have serious financial issues and neither are getting the attention we promised each other. I told myself that I would focus on getting all of my act together … in the area of personal finance and business while we were together. Instead, I feel like I am putting so much on the back burner and am not doing things in my life I consider important in order to keep this relationship alive.

I also feel like a sloth. I am not working out. I am not in shape. My weight is the highest it has ever been in my life. I need to get back on a track of self care, but I am not doing that. When I try and be a little more selfish and work on myself… I feel like I am ignoring Adolfo.

This is a paradox, huh????

Been really businy as usual. School is going well. Dad helped me get a loan to get me through most of school and I am thrilled. He called me tonight to check in on some of the paperwork. I am thrilled.

Adolfo and I have been really busy doing whatever. all is good. We had a fight that lasted through Saturday, but as usual we survived it. I am wondering about what we will do and when / if / where I will find work I can enjoy. The business is in a wholenew status… ie dying.

Scott