Author Archive: scott.kay

Lots of updates to the website here

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I have been updating this site with my galleries and other things. Not sure exactly why, but maybe I see it as some kind of legacy? I have a lot of plans to fix all the categories and tags and make it a little cleaner, Because, frankly, everything on here is a assembly of 3 sites to one that talked about different aspects of my life. 

I do not quite understand why many of my older galleries are showing duplicates of different pictures. But I will say this new Nexcellent Gallery systems is the bomb. It is a huge leap from what it used to be. I may buy into it this time to be able to do more. 

Analytics: I see there are more people happening into this site. I wish I knew who it was… but interesting that traffic is starting to develop. 

Say hi if you are reading stuff. 

I have a secret

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In an effort to see where my future is in this community, I applied to be a Black Rock Ranger. Last night, I got the instructions I needed to get that process started and based on how many BRC Rangers I know, it could be a good thing for me. Mayne I will make it, maybe I will not, but I am exploring it with the encouragement of Ranger CoffeeCup. My designation is “Ringtone” and it seems oddly fitting.

One of the items I proposed was Queerdo, but they passed on that one. Straight people will never get it. And it will make too many of them nervous to say it. (eye-roll here)

Annnnnyway, this seems a lot more cheerful than my last post.

Sunday again… a holiday weekend

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I took this picture last night. I needed it for something.

Today I stayed home all day and though I kept myself busy with stupid things, I sulked again. I let my monkey brain wander through a forest of bad feelings and focus how lonely I feel a lot of the time. I focused on all the things I was missing out on, though I did nothing to resolve that situation. And why not go here or there…? Who wants to hang around me?

I have become this sad old fat man who does not feel good about himself on any level. I see myself as someone who is miserable, so if I hang with other people in this dark form, I will make them miserable.

There are antidots for that feeling, none of which I am willing to take on right now. Fake ways to make myself tolerable and forget the things that are making me worry so much. But, I have no desire to bury those things in booze or other things to cover the other feelings up.

Exercise could be a good solution, if only I could manage to make that happen. It is simply a matter of doing and overcoming the things in my way. The act of doing requires the first step and I have lost my footing and my path.

Sigh.

I have no voice. I have no tribe around me anymore and it feels very lonely.

I have several worries today

  • are some of the medications I am taking fucking my head up and sending me down a road of early dementia?
  • am I holding my partner back from a better life or is he propping me up for mine?
  • will I become my mother? I mean, I am scared.

Hey Blog

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I promised myself I would write here more. The trick is not to let this become a place of non-stop complaining. There was a long period where I think that, that was all that was coming out of me. So, I think I am going to riff a little while and see where this goes.

  • The editor I hired to look over my book that I spent a few years working on has completely dropped the ball and admitted he was never going to get it done. There was the suggestion of a refund, but I am not convinced. The book does need more work, but I am finishing up a sequel to it now. Which is really helpful because I can further assess out some of the longer term plot points and characters I was using. Book 1 is about 400 pages, Book 2 is starting to get close to 600.
  • The universe is yelling at me to make some changes, and I keep holding back. It will kick my ass if I do not heed the clear messages I am getting. I have never been afraid to make leaps of faith. The truth is it has generally worked in my favor to jump. The biggest things holding me back are my age and the fact I do not want to stress out my CMonster.
  • I have been trying to lose weight. I have been dieting and watching what I eat. I have been drinking a lot more water, less coffee, reduced sugar. In the scope of things, animal proteins down 90% and eliminating wheat as much as possible.
    • eliminating wheat has reduced inflammation in my joints and reduced my pain significantly
    • same with meat, taking out all poultry, almost all pork, almost all beef made me feel much better….
    • but, in the last couple weeks  I noticed sugar and meat were sneaking back in and it is time to slap that down again
  • Our apartment is lovely. We are so blessed. We are talking about moving far way. It is looking pretty serious now. Might be time to leave the bay area.
  • I did a thing last month! I hosted a web broadcast and it was pretty cool the way it turned out. I am the founder and chair of Queerburners, a non-profit for LGBTQAI Burning Man participants. It went really well and I have three more planned and possibly two more as well. Check our www.queerburners.org for more details.
  • I have been blessed with some social things this week and feeling a bit more connected to the world. It has been a long time and I was really feeling very alone once again. Like, no one wanted to hang out. It’s been weird, but I think a lot of people felt that way.
    • Last Thursday hanging out at Ocean Beach for a Sunset burn and celebrating an early birthday with Bern
    • Breakfast with my friend and fellow weirdo Craig at Orphan Andy’s in Castro
    • Last night in the Laurel with Scoot and Propeller sitting around a lovely fire
  • Eager to hang out socially at Power House or the SF Eagle. But, seriously hung up on my weight and health right now. I am genuinely worried that if I do not get a hold on it that I am as good as dead.
    • You know when people are close to you pass on, I have a theory that it is death getting closer and closer until death finds you or someone else close by to take. So close sometimes. I have got to get my health back.

Rants completed.

New Therapy

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I started with a new therapist 2 weeks ago. The intake conversation left me in a very bad place. I was stunned how much she threw me off my center. The missing part of the equation, I did not know that was the kind of appointment we were going to have. I had no idea I had been assigned a psychologist.

It really took me more than a week to get hold of myself and I went into today’s appointment stating my needs. If you are going to open pandoras box, please close it when you are done. In the end, we left today in a good place. There was nothing earth shattering or new that came out of it.

I have had a lot of problems with a majority of the mental health people I had to work with at the V.A..

  •  the first time I did this in San Francisco I met a shrink that was weird, in the course of the evaluation I felt really weird when it was done. She assigned me to a psychologist.
  • the psychologist was a full blown nut-bag. That put me off of Ft. Miley altogether on the subject.
  • the next person was a social worker who took me through something called CBTs, but there was a weird thing with him that we got along really well and it got in the way – big time. It really put me in a bad place.
  • moving on to a new facility, when I was finally diagnosed with PTSD. It was a diagnosis that FINALLY put me in a good place, but the journey was super hard. This time, the weight was on me. I really had a hard time and the guy that walked me through the CPTs was amazing, professional and a great guy. And now the journey is just continuing.

After that, when I got that diagnosis, broke my world a little. That was in 2019 (as I recall). I found people around me that took advantage of that distress. There are 2 people from my job that saw that weakness and did things that broken me was not able to deal with very well.

My PTSD comes from a couple different sources. There is a lot of childhood trauma sexual abuse. Then in 2016 here in San Francisco I was sexually assaulted again. A lifetime of struggling with my baggage and bad decisions and somehow I managed to survive to this day.

I can see my shortfalls but sometimes I cannot help but drive into the wall.

Happy Sunday

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An interesting, if not maddening, decision resulted in the importing of my previous posts over the last 20 years of blogs being migrated this new one, but the images did not follow it. A shit ton of images that I for some reason did not manage to migrate over before deleting the old site. I will see if I can fix that, but not very hope-filled with that result.

The new editing format is also a huge challenge, although WordPress is telling me I have more control over the content. I am not seeing that to be 100% true. I do like the layout of this site a little more. It does feel constraining and is not really as friendly as it suggests.

None the less I find myself getting mired down while I have a hundred other things I want to be doing today. Not the least of them is getting out of the apartment and enjoying this day. I promised myself more. And the other new web site I made www.teabagcult.com is also in need of a lot of love.

Well, look at that

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So, I took the blogging entries from my other site UrielsJournal.Com and imported them into this one. It will make letting those old sites go a lot easier and trying to decide what the future is for this one. My old art site exploded years ago and it is going away, too.

Just another blog site

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I am writing my first post in my new blog. Having an online blog is something I have had for very many years. My previous version was at www.UrielsJournel.com. That web site is going to go away this year and I am going to start a new journey moving forward. The thing is… I am not exactly sure how that is going to become.

The place I am in now, at this moment, is new. It is the same for many of us who went through the last 2 years. I would say that in 2018 I broke… like full on broke and for about 2 years I was living in a weird hell full of privilege and anxiety. When my mom and step dad started having serious medical issues was in that year. I had no one but my partner to talk to about what it was that I was going through. It was lonely, frustrating and sad at the same time.

Then in 2019 we found a new home in Oakland and it is really lovely. It is also really far from things that can get me in trouble, far from places I would hang out at (also trouble), and yet near to some newer people I have started to really care for.

So, lets see where this goes. UrielsJournal started to turn into a place to complain and I do not want this to go in the same direction.

Good morning

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Today is Tuesday, which is my Monday at my job. It’s really no different than most days, other than I know I will likely be busy-ish for the first part of the day and then the second half I have to sit at the door. I have to greet people, tell them thank you for shopping at Cliffs, and make sure they are wearing the right kinds of masks. Also, make sure nothing is leaving unpaid. Pretty basic. I am being paid a wage that fits the job… I think. All good, right?

The weight of depression and anxiety is really debilitating and feels like a huge weight on my chest. Looking out from within I keep looking for a ledge to grasp on to to keep myself moving forward. Some constants like showing up to work is the firmest foundation I have. Making sure I meet my partners needs at home (food, general house care, etc) is another.

BUT, looking out there is a monster inside that looks at that second paragraph and keeps pointing out the flaws and what it thinks I need to do. That broken Id, is a crotchety, angry old fart who keeps saying they know better. It wants me to quit this job full stop. It wants me to just take a break. Like a big break. It tells me I can survive without the illusion that I HAVE TO KEEP this job.

But that voice has been right and wrong. That voice is not a healthy thing right now. There is a lot of weight on my neck with mourning, remorse, regrets and a growing fear of social situations that is literally killing me.

Most recently I found out someone I really care about has cancer.

The fallout with my mom is still really upsetting and I cannot feel safe backing up into that lane again.

I still keep wondering if there was a way to be in a better place with my biological family, even though that is and was – unlikely.

Is my partner and I really good for each other? This January will be 10 years long.

I feel like a glob of solid lard. I have been unable to get out and get exercise. I have been unable to go to the gym, and I am paying a gym membership, but I am just stuck in a mode like my feet are sinking in mud. I do think about what it would be like to not have those worries any more.

(Heavy heavy sigh)

Good morning world.