Sunday again… a holiday weekend

I took this picture last night. I needed it for something.

Today I stayed home all day and though I kept myself busy with stupid things, I sulked again. I let my monkey brain wander through a forest of bad feelings and focus how lonely I feel a lot of the time. I focused on all the things I was missing out on, though I did nothing to resolve that situation. And why not go here or there…? Who wants to hang around me?

I have become this sad old fat man who does not feel good about himself on any level. I see myself as someone who is miserable, so if I hang with other people in this dark form, I will make them miserable.

There are antidots for that feeling, none of which I am willing to take on right now. Fake ways to make myself tolerable and forget the things that are making me worry so much. But, I have no desire to bury those things in booze or other things to cover the other feelings up.

Exercise could be a good solution, if only I could manage to make that happen. It is simply a matter of doing and overcoming the things in my way. The act of doing requires the first step and I have lost my footing and my path.


I have no voice. I have no tribe around me anymore and it feels very lonely.

I have several worries today

  • are some of the medications I am taking fucking my head up and sending me down a road of early dementia?
  • am I holding my partner back from a better life or is he propping me up for mine?
  • will I become my mother? I mean, I am scared.
Posted in Feeling it.

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