I took this picture last night. I needed it for something.
Today I stayed home all day and though I kept myself busy with stupid things, I sulked again. I let my monkey brain wander through a forest of bad feelings and focus how lonely I feel a lot of the time. I focused on all the things I was missing out on, though I did nothing to resolve that situation. And why not go here or there…? Who wants to hang around me?
I have become this sad old fat man who does not feel good about himself on any level. I see myself as someone who is miserable, so if I hang with other people in this dark form, I will make them miserable.
There are antidots for that feeling, none of which I am willing to take on right now. Fake ways to make myself tolerable and forget the things that are making me worry so much. But, I have no desire to bury those things in booze or other things to cover the other feelings up.
Exercise could be a good solution, if only I could manage to make that happen. It is simply a matter of doing and overcoming the things in my way. The act of doing requires the first step and I have lost my footing and my path.
Sigh.
I have no voice. I have no tribe around me anymore and it feels very lonely.
I have several worries today
- are some of the medications I am taking fucking my head up and sending me down a road of early dementia?
- am I holding my partner back from a better life or is he propping me up for mine?
- will I become my mother? I mean, I am scared.