I started with a new therapist 2 weeks ago. The intake conversation left me in a very bad place. I was stunned how much she threw me off my center. The missing part of the equation, I did not know that was the kind of appointment we were going to have. I had no idea I had been assigned a psychologist.
It really took me more than a week to get hold of myself and I went into today’s appointment stating my needs. If you are going to open pandoras box, please close it when you are done. In the end, we left today in a good place. There was nothing earth shattering or new that came out of it.
I have had a lot of problems with a majority of the mental health people I had to work with at the V.A..
- the first time I did this in San Francisco I met a shrink that was weird, in the course of the evaluation I felt really weird when it was done. She assigned me to a psychologist.
- the psychologist was a full blown nut-bag. That put me off of Ft. Miley altogether on the subject.
- the next person was a social worker who took me through something called CBTs, but there was a weird thing with him that we got along really well and it got in the way – big time. It really put me in a bad place.
- moving on to a new facility, when I was finally diagnosed with PTSD. It was a diagnosis that FINALLY put me in a good place, but the journey was super hard. This time, the weight was on me. I really had a hard time and the guy that walked me through the CPTs was amazing, professional and a great guy. And now the journey is just continuing.
After that, when I got that diagnosis, broke my world a little. That was in 2019 (as I recall). I found people around me that took advantage of that distress. There are 2 people from my job that saw that weakness and did things that broken me was not able to deal with very well.
My PTSD comes from a couple different sources. There is a lot of childhood trauma sexual abuse. Then in 2016 here in San Francisco I was sexually assaulted again. A lifetime of struggling with my baggage and bad decisions and somehow I managed to survive to this day.
I can see my shortfalls but sometimes I cannot help but drive into the wall.
Following up on this….my mixed feelings and taking some time to myself made me see the value of keeping this therapist in spite of a lack of connection between us. The other side of it is that I got someone I was attracted to or saw me as attractive. But, my nurse told me it was normal and that I should bring it up if it ever is an issue for me again. Seems like it is not too unusual for the patient to see the therapist as a source of desire. The opposite is highly problematic. So, bullet dodged.