Agent Search

Posted on April 24, 2024April 24, 2024 by scott.kay

So, the process of looking for a literary agent is stressful. I sent my stuff to one yesterday and one today after a lot of scrutiny over the text. I am prone to typos and missing small details that it takes several attempts to review and fix. Sometimes my language sucks, ask anyone around me.

I’m scared and nervous about it. I even signed up for a seminar this week about writing the perfect query letter. And it helped, but I think she wanted to see her services pretty badly and I was not having it. Thanks, but no thanks. I will share my query letter below:

ELDRITCH CRUSADE: Tale of the Four Winds is for readers who love monsters and gothic tomes featuring supernatural beings in a story of colorful intrigue and personal growth. Ultimately it is a story about family and chosen family with a touch of death and dismemberment. It just so happens that the leads are a young witch, a necromancer, vampire, and a Nephilim. There is a climate of uneasiness and inter-species cultural and political dynamics among witches, monsters, and more, that forge alliances as they become embattled by a common enemy who we were taught are supposed to be the good guys – the angels. I chose an unusual adversary who imposes ideologies on communities that were already established, using colonialism as the base of the story.

I hired three editors through Reedsy, in different capacities that included formatting, story development, copy editing and proofreading.

The book is 137,121 words and 431 pages long. Category: Commercial Fantasy/Fiction.

This is currently a trilogy and each book raises the stakes for our heroes, from young men to masters of their arts in magic, to defy extremely powerful forces with the odds set against them.

I am inspired by writers like Anne Rice, Dan Brown, and Steven Saylor for the way they developed unusual characters and made them interesting and admirable, even if they were killers and underdogs

Well, there it is. I changed the title to ELDRITCH CRUSADE because it seemed to fit. There is a whole universe of ideas in this world that can be used in the future. So a franchise is not out of the question. I am so excited about this and have spent 12 years making it what it is.

Heart Break and Self Doubt

Posted on April 22, 2024April 22, 2024 by scott.kay

I have been struggling a long time with who I am and where I want to go in life. At 59 years of age, most people have those questions settled. The vision of who I think I am and how the world responds to me is as different as the shores of an ocean. The gap feels that wide sometimes. I have not always been a good friend to some people and my loyalty to many has been trashed more times than I could count. The truth is also that I have learned a lot about myself in the last fifteen years and have tried to alter that to be as true and honest and good as possible. But, it does not always work.

I get point of my reflections came when I had some diagnosis for PTSD and severe anxiety. Game Changer. Like, serious game changer to understand my behavior and why I am the way I am. That came around 2018/19 or something like that. So, not that long ago. Fortunately, we were moving into a world where people were having more empathy and compassion for people with issues like those. Sadly, not everyone is on board. And because everyone seems to be suffering from anxiety and is self medicating the rest of us get swept under the rug as being weak or broken and not worthy. So freaking frustrating when people you love and care for have no sense of what it means to be in that bubble.

Just curiously I did a search on this site to see what entries I made about this before like this mental health search and anxiety and PTSD with a lot of overlap. (Note: I saw references to my other blogs which are all contained in this version now).

The Reason for this Post

Anyway, the impetus of this post is about a friend who said some very unfriendly things about me and I am still reeling after a month or more. I Invited someone to stay with me in my home who I loved dearly but was worrying that our friendship was being tested. I took off work for the days he and two of his friends were visiting and spent a lot of time with them to see if it was real or my imagination. To me, the weekend was absolutely fantastic on every level. There was some subtle drama here and there, but it did not seem to have anything to do with me.

On our last evening out, he suddenly turned on me and said a lot of really mean things. Critical feedback is one thing, but this was really ugly and mean. Exactly a minute before his attack on me, I was thinking: “Wow, I loved our time together this weekend! Our friendship is solid,” I said to myself. Then – blamo.

We went back to the house. I said nothing. I went up to my bedroom and closed the door and gently let that content pass through me. He came up and started to apologize, but then he dug his heels in deeper. I told him I was not ready to say anything about what he said. I mentioned that nothing he said was kind, helpful, or caring that I needed time to process the information. So, the next morning, calmly we talked. I asked him to let me say what I needed to say. He did and was unapologetic and that was that.

I called him a week or two later and he dug in. It was the moment when I felt a little crack in my heart.

When is “I love you, Scott” a weapon and not an honest expression?

The bigger picture is more messy and would involve me sharing things I can’t. But people around this friend were also letting him down and maybe I got the blowback from it. Maybe I was simply not a good friend. If that is the case then all I can say is thank you for the memories and goodbye. This person was there in a handful of my happiest moments in life. We shared a handful of amazing memories, mostly tied to our mutual Burning Man experiences.

Karma is Real

Some who read this, if at all, might know of several circumstances in my life that I was not a good friend. At least one of them was really high profile. Karma –

“Hinduism identifies karma as the relationship between a person’s mental or physical action and the consequences following that action. It also signifies the consequences of all the actions of a person in their current and previous lives and the chain of cause and effect in morality.”

A person can change their Karma through acts of kindness and empathy. I have been trying a lot harder over the years. I have a lot of regrets and letting them go is really hard. I still think about them in the context that: though I cannot change the past I can do better moving forward. If there is a chance to heal the past then it has to flow into my path and through in order to keep moving ahead, because going backward is not going to work for anyone. A bunch of AA people are turning in their graves with that one.

Melissa, Me, Brian, and Ron

To Melissa**, Grant*, Keith, Eloy, Adolfo and more I ask your forgiveness – because when I knew you I was not ready for what that relationship meant. Did I miss anyone?

*Grant sent me a friend request this week on Facebook and we had a short conversation. It was nice.

**I see Melissa around every here and there and she looks super annoyed I am in the same space she is in. Her and I went through a super dark breakup. Our friendship was pretty special in it’s day, but there was some super dark moments I had to separate myself from. Then some assholes stirred up some drama and pulled me into that caused it all to explode. It played out huge at a Leadership gathering in SF before I moved there in front of everyone. Super crazy. I have since learned more details and – wow. I do not expect the relationship to be repaired but the blast radius was huge and there is still radiation.

Garden Project 2024

Posted on April 21, 2024April 21, 2024 by scott.kay

Well, if anyone has been following the gardening project I started last summer in the new house, a lot of changes have happened since. The idea was refined and a new direction taken in order to make something more sanctuary-like. The Fibonacci concept had to be set aside and I kept some of the elements, but shifted a long way. There are more updates here (link). I have a page dedicated to Las Vegas 2.0 as well as a whole category.

The Garden

Has been a work of love and pain, the story of my life, ha ha ha ha. I have a lot more to do and it will finish with an install of cobblestone within the next year unless I can somehow manage it sooner. Life has so many priorities and we are doing okay financially, but should be doing a lot better. I have been sneaking out and buying plants, but strangely enough I get caught every time. It’s hard to explain why there are new plants in the yard all of a sudden.

Otherwise, the writing project HAS TO BE a higher priority so I can get my book published you can read more about at this (link).

Fundraising Campaign

Posted on April 9, 2024April 10, 2024 by scott.kay

Heya! It’s time for me to put it out there and see if I can get backers for this book I want to self publish. Since I last made an attempt, I went into a deep dive for a bit more work on it. 12 (Twelve) years later it’s time.

I started writing a book based on Fantasy/Sci Fi ideas and as of today have completed a trilogy. Book One is ready to go to press and I am reaching out to people I know to help me achieve publication by raising at least $3k and will publish using BookBaby.Com effectively self-publishing and will get a lot of resources for that money by using this company.
Venmo: @iamscottkay

ELDRITCH CRUSADE
Tale of the Four Winds

This is an adventure in the modern world we live in with supernatural creatures that live in it from monsters, angels, and creatures of ancient origin. Our featured character is a college age member of a lost branch to a family tree of ancient witches whose powers are descended in a powerful bloodline. With the support of a chosen family that include a necromancer, vampire, and a Nephilim, the young witch grows and develops into a strong individual.

The dynamics of family, chosen and born, play out heavily for a young person who lost their close relations as a kid and finds bonds in surprising places. This is a story of adventure and figuring out self, standing against the odds of a powerful anti-hero, but also the trials of adulthood.

Of course there are elements of horror with creatures like these. This story is a steady upward climb of individual triumph and development. The lead character goes from never having been aware of mythical creatures to being a part of that culture.

Want to learn more about it” Check out this link: https://www.iamscottkay.com/category/eldritchtv/
How to donate: Venmo: @iamscottkay

I’m not doing one of the fundraising sites this time because it is just a share of the money I don’t want to give away. And I don; want to have to wait thirty days and so forth.
What does this money do?

I will get immediate publication on Amazon.Com digitally and an ISBN
Print on demand access for stores all around the world and an ISBN
Promotional and Advertising through Book Baby (Of course I will do my own, too)
Copyright
More details: https://www.bookbaby.com/…/complete-self-publishing…

I am also open to a loan. I stand to do okay on this book and it is my challenge to get this book out there and sell it in order to make a path ahead for the next two books which are already written. I invested $4k into editors and that went on CCs, so the following year after that I bought a house and there went all my cash and credit. I’m just not willing to get more revolving debt. Hit me up with questions.

I want to thank you for my first donation, getting me on the road anyway. As time progresses if this is successful I will def thank everyone involved in my appreciation in the book. Asking people for money to support my art is not such a strange thing in the world, but I am also realizing it feels very uncomfortable. We have asked for donations in the past for art projects, theme camps, and other burning man things, but this time the work is done and ready to meet the world. It feels like, and it is, asking for a handout. There is a chance this could start a new and potent direction for me that I always thought was in the cards for my future. Thank you for being a part of that.

Eldritch Crusade

Posted on March 19, 2024March 19, 2024 by scott.kay

Book 1: I took in a lot of feedback and went into a deep dive with an edit that allowed me to collapse some superfluous story strings and clear up some things that were not needed for the content. I have worked on Book 1 so much that I know the whole thing almost by memory. Crazy, right. Well, I couldn’t quote the whole book but as I write I don’t need to reference the original material a whole lot. It also give me a chance to add subtle details that sharpen the focus and give a sense of foreshadowing and story line support.

Now I am working on a new campaign to help get this thing published. I am so close now. But, what if this book is not seen? I am convinced I have an excellent story here. But, there is always room for improvement. I think I have finally reached the place I need to be in with this. Check this out.

DRAFT – – – – – – start – – – – – –

Fundraising Campaign

I started writing a book based on Fantasy/Sci Fi ideas about twelve years ago and as of today have completed a trilogy. Book One is ready to go to press and I am reaching out to people I know to help me achieve publication by raising at least $3k and will publish using BookBaby.Com effectively self-publishing and will get a lot of resources for that money by using this company.

Venmo: @iamscottkay

ELDRITCH CRUSADE

Tale of the Four Winds

Want to learn more about it” Check out this link: https://www.iamscottkay.com/category/eldritchtv/

How to donate: Venmo: @iamscottkay

I’m not doing one of the fundraising sites this time because it is just a share of the money I don’t want to give away.

What does this money do?

I will get immediate publication on Amazon.Com digitally and an ISBN

Print on demand access for stores all around the world and an ISBN
Promotional and Advertising through Book Baby (Of course I will do my own, too)
Copyright

More details: https://www.bookbaby.com/book-printing/complete-self-publishing-package

Introverted?

Posted on March 5, 2024March 5, 2024 by scott.kay

When I moved back to Las Vegas, I thought I would be able to get right back into the flow of some things with the people I felt deeply connected to here who were a part of my original burner community. Because I have no time for social stuff, I blamed that for not being able to connect. It almost feels like that is an excuse I told myself. In fact, it also feels like the community moved on without me and my motivations are different. It feels like I am an outsider.

It’s my own fault, because I have different priorities these days. I put those priorities into my new house, marriage, dog, and my aspirations to publish my book. On all those points, I have put all those things over my need to be social.

My writing get a priority because I feel like I am so close to having these books published. But, I might be chasing a dragon on this one. I am having a lot of self-doubts. I always seem to get close and not get there.

I connected with my psychiatrist last week and he mentioned something that is still in my head, about me being an introvert. I have always considered myself to be an introverted/extrovert, but it feels like that scale is sliding. It definitely is because of those previously mentioned priorities. I wonder if I keep filling the wrong bucket because my people meter keeps washing out on me. I deeply feel like I need a better balance.

Recently a friend of mine sent me a kit for a “Clearing Kit”, which is magic. Literally, a magic kit for clearing the obstacles in your life. I am a bit afraid to use it because I can see how one of those obstacles could definitely be my marriage. So, I have to ask myself, what are the priorities I want for the future. I know I want the books published and I want to write new things. I want to write full time. I want to travel. I want to cook. I want to be with friends.

My job is okay. I like what I do. It’s chaos defined. It gives me little room to take care of myself. Where do I go with that? <<me questions, not a you question.

But I want to be with my friends and I want to go on adventures but I am still stuck. I miss and love so many of the people I have met in my life, but am having trouble connecting.

Sigh.

22 Years of history here

Posted on February 21, 2024February 21, 2024 by scott.kay

It all started off on blogger… idk if it is still there? I did check and see I still have a profile there, but as of this morning it had not been updated since I lived in Las Vegas before 13 years ago.

What a trip. 22 YEARS of verbal diarrhea on this site alone. Migrated from blogger, queerburners, urielsjournal, and there might have been another. Thank you internet.

I noticed in the posts I migrated over that there is a lot of links, pics and title missing off of each post. Should I take the time to update those? Ugh, I hate uncategorized shitake. Looks so sloppy.

Just felt like making a quick post before I leave for work. Ugh… gotta go. Talk soon.

Update: Eldritch

Posted on February 2, 2024February 2, 2024 by scott.kay

I am writing about my writing again. A few months ago I tried to raise some money to get my book published, but the universe said “no”. Which is fine, maybe it is not my time yet. But, then again, maybe I needed to put some more work in what I wrote. I knew there were some details in the story arch as well as some feedback I got from editors I needed to address, and I think I am.

I did not create this image. I found it randomly on a google search. “Nephilim”

As of today, I am halfway through a re-write I started in December or November. I am simultaneously putting it into a screen-play format on a 10 episode arch. Doing it this way has allowed me to finetune and focus. It has also allowed me to use tidbits from the next two books that are relevant to this part of the story. Essentially I am installing some Easter Eggs that have more meaning later on and help move the story forward. Also, taking out some of the garbage that did not need to be there.

I see that things I write as if a movie is playing in my head anyway, which makes writing kinda cool because I get to apply those images into a story as if it already existed.

The story is good, but it needs another editor and then can publish. I cannot afford to pay another editor out of pocket… so we will see. I think I really, really have it this time.

Happy New Year – NSFW

Posted on January 1, 2024January 1, 2024 by scott.kay

Happy 2024! I just turned 59 last week and am thinking about a lot of things around my life. Next year’s birthday is among them, to include turning 60. Apparently 60 is when life either goes down hill or when things really start to blossom. Here’s to an optimistic outlook and hopefully the accomplishment of many goals so set the stage for my next phase of life. I have absolutely no retirement and if things do not improve there is a chance I could be working until I am dead. If I am working I hope it is doing something I want.

2023

goal of getting my book published #EldridgeTV has not yet come to fruition, but I jumped on it and started doing a complete re-write using some feedback I got that was useful. It came from several resources and as much as I loved my story, I could see where is needed a bit more focus. It’s taking a bit longer than I planned, but hopefully it will be worth it.
healthy living took the stage, for my mental health and my physical health. Both need work and I am hoping that in 2024 I can start something with a plan to get to where I want. More on that later.
job, relationships, dog: all going in the right direction but need help. Taking care of myself and being there for others is not an easy balance.

2024

Me on January 1, 2024 to see what I really look like. The mirror lies. My brain lies.

I need to lose weight and get into better shape. Not interested in muscle of looking like a super-model, but have to get a realistic idea of self. So, I took some pictures to see myself as I am today.
Get the book published and finish the screen play version before March.
Do better with people who are my friends. Edit out the people who are not participating. Embrace those who are.

It’s been so hard to get moving in the right direction, but I have worked very hard on myself over the years. I am still far from perfect. I am a product of my life’s experiences, so if that is messy then that is just the way it is. I do not think I am messy, just a little stained.

So where do I go from here?

I have a lot of ideas. It will take time.

Thanks for checking this out.

Poor Little White Girl! Er, CIS white male whining

Posted on October 18, 2023October 20, 2023 by scott.kay

It feels wrong to complain about a life that is so blessed. Each time I look at Facebook and want to whine about a miserable moment, I cannot help but think of the myriad of people out there who have real suffering. So, talking about my suffering seems moot.

Well, that is why I have my own blog site, right? I can moan and whine and wheedle and vomit anything I want because really no one is reading any of this to begin with.

Anxiety

My biggest problem right now is Anxiety. I have a lot of tools in my bag to deal with this shitty thing, but the one place I cannot fight it is when I am sleeping. My whole night is filled with dreams that produce huge levels of internal anxiety. Damn, stupid dreams with drops of reality to make it that awful. Waking me up abruptly in the middle of the night. Like full sitting up and having to start over with sleep almost every night.

My social anxiety has actually been a lot more reduced since moving to Las Vegas. Life here has been more relaxed in a lot of ways and having a house, multiple responsibilities around a house with my name on it, and this dumb dog.

I have a new psychiatrist as of yesterday who wants me to start a new medication that specifically targets Anxiety. How could I say no? And, I can just stop taking it if it does snarly things. I asked him if this will effect my dreams. He said it was unlikely. So, we’ll see.

Buspirone is primarily used to treat generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). It is an FDA-approved medicine for managing anxiety disorders or the short-term relief of anxiety symptoms. Off-labeled buspirone is used for the augmentation of unipolar depression.

Pain

I am literally in pain every day. Like fucking pain. This plays on the brain, the body, the mental well-being.

My biggest issue is my back, L3 to L5 usually with some issues that are still in debate. I am going in for an MRI this week after waiting for almost two months to get in at the V.A..

Next is my feet. OMFG why was I issued these shitty feet…. actually this has been a problem over the last decade. I have to be careful what shoes I buy and what I wear. I started back to work a month ago and was wearing my clogs (which was murder). I switched out to Birkenstocks and it is a lot better.

Getting out of bed every single day requires a warm up to moving around. The back and the joints are telling me to fuck off. Feet, hips and back. Add to this a weird numbing of my hands and arms because of the position of my shoulders.

Oh, and my left knee. My tibia keeps shifting out of place and there is arthritis in the same knee. Wearing a knee brace to work everyday has helped a lot!

Bed Time is Hell

So, that’s my truth. It’s been going on for a few years and as much as it is debilitating it cannot be. I can barely bend over most days and dropping something on the ground to pick up is absolute hell. At work, I have to be very careful, but I often have to do things that will result in severe pain in the following few days. I bring a handful of painkillers with me all the time and hope they work. Sigh.

PTSD

This part of me has been getting the most therapy over the last couple of years. It is a result of sexual assault and childhood trauma. In 2008 I was held down and forced into a situation that opened up a lot of worms from my life of past sexual abuse that snowballed until the PTSD was diagnosed in/about 2019. What a journey.

Mental Health Journey

This has been a long road and the result for me has been monumental… emphasis on Mental. I see mental health issues routinely being used in blanket terms in media and it is maddening. And the lack of awareness of officials and law enforcement is really harmful.

Take care of yourself and get toxic people out of your life.