New issues. Adolfo and I had words one evening at a Thai Restaurant we eat at regularly. It started over something so minor that it is unbelievable. It was over the Smallville episode from the week before… oi vay.

Anyway, we have been at odds all week since Tuesday night. Here is the e-mail I sent him today… keep in mind we have barely been speaking….

I am writing the things I do not seem to be able to say to you as you have done through this e-mail before. You have written me some lovely e-mail that made me feel very good in the past.

In recent days I feel like there is a wall between us that only seems to be growing thicker and thicker. I feel like you are drifting further away from me with every moment. We have spent the whole week not relating to each other at all.

So what is happening? This week has been painfully long and I feel like you are a thousand miles away. I feel like you have given up on the relationship. I feel like you finally decided I was too much of a bad person and have given up.

I depend on you to be stronger than me and maybe that is a mistake. Maybe it is not fair for me to do that to you?

I still love you very much. The longer these arguments happen and the longer that the animosity perpetuates it builds a shell around my heart and makes it harder and harder for me to feel. When I say that… I mean to say that it’s like a callus on the skin… your rub it and rub it and it gets thicker and thicker until it is harder to feel through it.

Does that make sense?

I want things to be good. I want to be able to hold you at night and be able to put my leg against yours when we are sleeping. I was angry last night because I could not do that. I was angry last night because I cannot be intimate with you by touching you. NOT because you would not let me … more because I feel like there is a huge wall running through the center of the bed and this shell around my feelings… it’s my fault. It’s me! BUT… the only way I feel the wall can break down is if you do it.

I think I am making you very unhappy. I think I am hurting you. I do not want to do that. I am starting to wonder if you would be happier without me.

Well… let me know.

I Love You!

Look.. more than 10 days since my last update. Well, this has been a week for sure. It is interesting how the cosmos makes things happen. Anyone who doubts fate and the universe should live my life. How I can communicate the happenings to you? I do not suppose I can, so take my word for it.

My two best freinds on the planet out of most of my life contacted me in the last week. 1 was out of the blue while the other… I knew was coming, but WOW.

Ed called from Long Beach and we talked for a long while. I am sure she… I mean he must be seen in my photo gallery SOMEWHERE as for a long time Ed was never far from the camera. Then again, he is mostly featured frp, 1990 to 1996. I was so nice chatting with him and catching up. I hope I hope I hope he comes to see us soon form Long beach with his new BF! OH MY GAWD… Ed has a BF that has lasted 4 months! What good news!

Terry was my best freind in high school. We met in my sophomore year and we hung really tight until long after high school. We graduated in 1982 from a place in the middle of the desert. Annnnnnyway… he took Adolfo and I out to dinner at a regular haunt of our at the MGM. I think we talked almost 3 hours and we probably bored hig beutiful wife Cathy and son Cory to death. NOW… the problem is I know both of them read my diary now and half of Visalia (so I hear). SO.. I have to be careful and honest about what I write…. honesty becuase it is a beast inside me that must remain true…

Well, it was like 20 years never passed. Seeing Terry was like we were going to hang out on another Saturday evening and shill out together… go to a movie… whatever. It was so good seeing Terry again! I cannot say how much this week has meant in that sense. I miss my friends SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much and here in Las Vegas that is a commodity rarer than any precious gem.

Cathy and Corey were super adorable and sweet and nice and wonderful. I hope we maintain a freindship!

Today I made Easter dinner. I made a spiral cut ham with a nice crust on it. Corn Pudding, Greens Salad with a dressing I made, Roasted Veg from a marinade I made, and my garlic/cheese biscuits. This was a very very good dinner I made. I also made a coconut cream pie with a grahma and roasted almond crust; all topped with merengue. Delicious! Yet no one… NOT ONE OF THEM appreciated the meal. ADOLFO DID, but he is an angel anyway. I WAS SO PISSED AND DISAPOINTED AFTER ALL THAT WORK AND TRIUMPH! I will get over it, but I told Adolfo that I do not think those people will be invited back for dinner again.

We need new friends. We need real freinds. ….

I am off to bed… nighty

The angels special last night was on the History Channel. It was interesting… Cher is on tonight with her farewell performance. She is good. I bet my ex Brian is swimming in his own joy tonight. He’s a devoted Cher loyalist and worshiper. I would not be surprised that he was in the audience during the taping of the show. Oi…

He songs make me feel sad and meloncholy. They bring back a lot of memories and not until you’re listening or watching do you realize just how much this bitch has done. She is phenomenal. Why is Celen Dion at the Forumn at Ceasars????? It should be Cher!

Time for bed. Nighty night!

I am neglecting my diary again. What a poop I am. This is my one year anniversary with Adolfo. All last week we fought about something new and old every day. I was so ready to walk away and close the door on some bad memories. BUT, things seem to have come back full circle. I think if we are going to celebrate an anniversary we need to figure out exactly WHAT that date will be. I’ll be sure to elt you know.

School has been stressful. I am almost paid out through next year, but I am struggling to make ends meet here. I went to school without a book, but one fell into my hands. I could not afford it. But thank God and my spirits that I had someone-thing looking out for me. Now if I could get that angel to give me an extra boost with some more extra cash.

I visited the Nevada Small Business Development… something with an A … this week. I got some good feedback, but have more work to put into the business plan. Anyway, I will try and update more of this tomorrow. Something on Discovery channel in the next room is calling my attention. Some special on angels?????

On Monday night, Adolfo and I spent a nice evening together. I was so upset by him from words we had on Saturday, that it took me THAT long to cool down. Oh, I was so ticked… it’s funny HOW we are together some times. He was apologetic, but apologetic for issues we both have. We started doing some things anew with each other like taking the puppy dog for long walks at night and getting a little exercise. I also made some nice dinners! It was coooool!

Anyway… only ONE PERSON repsonded to my last diary entry. God it was gothic! God it was dismal! But… I was writing from my gut!

Later homies… oh! Today was my last final exam. There is a good chance I am looking at B’s across the board. Yippee!

In case anyone was wondering…. I am a complete mental defect! I am deluded. I am borderline insane. I live in a fantasy world so bent and twisted that I should be something other than what I am. What does that mean? Well, I have been doing a lot of reflecting again lately and struggling with some things in life. I am stratching at the gravel tring to escape a sink-hole of life and putting on a mask to appear like everything is good and solid.

It’s all a lie. I am a marter dangling from a gallow, my feet kicking as my fingers bleed trying to loosen the rope from around my neck. I scream out and no one can hear me. I ask for help and people cannot see me. I need guidance but I am not worthy. My audience is laughing at me as I struggle to breath. I am my own clown and no one takes a clown seriously.

These rantings seem unfiltered, but they all make sense as I write them out. I understand the meaning of them all, but do not ask me to explain them. They sound pathetic and full of self-pity. They are self demeaning and echo naked and unheard. I am alone. I am denied and again… I am unworthy.

My life is swollowing me whole and knashing me with it’s teeth. I would shed the coat of weight that holds me back if it did not fit so well. I would fly but the anchors hold me restrained; with hooks through my flesh and my eyes blind folded. I reach out and I feel the cold.

…… makes you wonder? Makes me wonder? I am a man born with wings but I took root. A man can not live with wings and roots? Nah…

My web site is on a new server now. I moved it off my old provider that I was using when AHE existed and am completely using my hotmail account instead of most other e-mail addresses. I am also trying to get Adolfo set up with e-mail through my hotmail account, but the people at MSN have not been very helpful. Typical support people fail to listen to what is happening.

This war thing is getting nutty ass big. The media as usual is shoveling it all down our throats! I got home today to see some pretty impressive bombing and I have to tell you… I do not know what is more scary…. our bombs or Saddam’s ego. This is a rhetorical question mind you.

I took my first yoga class yesterday and the birkenstock princess running the show was all about peace and feelings of inner peace… blah blah blah peace there and peace here. I love these people, they are usually the first to snap and get all nasty and mean. I could see she probably carried more baggage than Gucci.

Anyway… I went to an SBA expo last night and made some really good contacts. I felt a little lost as while I was there I just stared at the 30 or so banks that were there and realized I hate bankers. I associate them with car dealers and most lawyers. Yeck! SO, I am on a new path of success.

I also stopped by the Psychic Eye Bookstore for a few bobbles to support my spiritual side (right Gary?). While I was there I got a short reading. The woman was fried out and unable to draw a clean reading… but she took my money anyway.

In business, she said I would have money in 3 months for my business and would be in business in a year. [The idea that something will keep my in Vegas longer then expected is abismal] She also told me that a person wants to invest with this business and take and interest in my business. That could be people in my life now or someone new??? Mind you, she seemed off base on a lot of things. But, hell, I do not know.

She also told me that my realtionship would not last much longer. She described my mate as a dark haired woman… though I corrected her. She asked if we were together just under a year… which was true.

I am very reluctant to swollow these psychic readings. But she was strangely on target about a couple things which kinda got me thinking a bit, too. Hmmm… time will tell, huh? It makes me worry about my step-dad more.

Anyway… talk soon!

Good morning…. another week… another weekend. Yesterday was my Monday for my new job at the Grand Lux Cafe where I work as a Line Cook. I am still in training and have more to learn. I have to memorize a series of recipes for certain workstations. It’s a bit grueling… but I am trying to stick to it. I met a guy last night who had been working there for about a month and he moaned about how much he did not like it. He was cute too… looked a lot like this guy I know in Mexico named Omar.

Generally, things have been going really well with Adolfo and I. I suppose that is why you have not seen too much bitching on the web site about US. I also deleted my old e-mail address this week and am trying to get people to start using my new one. This is because I am going to leave my hosting provider for a new one I contracted last month. This one, superb.net, is way too expensive.

I gotta get my but in gear here. Talk soon!

Sometimes I take a while towrite something here. This time I am allowed some latitude. I have been working a lot and and going to school which has left little to no free time. I am working 3 jobs and school full time. My oldest job, a side business I have been running, is currebtly close. Working at Sur La Table, I am there part time only right now which includes an absolute minimum of hours. And last, I am working full time at a major Las Vegas restaurant and cming home exhausted nightly. I am off today and Thursday!

Since I have more time tomorrow I will work on writing more. XOXO

Life is getting so busy. As insane as it is, I am troubled that I will lose myself and lose track of things I valued in the past. I worry about Tom getting neglected and I worry that Adolfo will feel the same too. We talked about our commitments tonight. I will be working full time plus… I think. Plus going to school full time. Man this is going to be tough.

Our argument was finally finished on Sunday. Last night we had the most remarkable sex! The love and the passion was so damn hot I nearly collapsed afterward. I was el;aving the gym and he told me he was taking a bath.. so I rushed home. OH MY HELL as Ed would say.

I am going to busy for the next week, big time. Talk soon… xo Scott