New issues. Adolfo and I had words one evening at a Thai Restaurant we eat at regularly. It started over something so minor that it is unbelievable. It was over the Smallville episode from the week before… oi vay.

Anyway, we have been at odds all week since Tuesday night. Here is the e-mail I sent him today… keep in mind we have barely been speaking….

I am writing the things I do not seem to be able to say to you as you have done through this e-mail before. You have written me some lovely e-mail that made me feel very good in the past.

In recent days I feel like there is a wall between us that only seems to be growing thicker and thicker. I feel like you are drifting further away from me with every moment. We have spent the whole week not relating to each other at all.

So what is happening? This week has been painfully long and I feel like you are a thousand miles away. I feel like you have given up on the relationship. I feel like you finally decided I was too much of a bad person and have given up.

I depend on you to be stronger than me and maybe that is a mistake. Maybe it is not fair for me to do that to you?

I still love you very much. The longer these arguments happen and the longer that the animosity perpetuates it builds a shell around my heart and makes it harder and harder for me to feel. When I say that… I mean to say that it’s like a callus on the skin… your rub it and rub it and it gets thicker and thicker until it is harder to feel through it.

Does that make sense?

I want things to be good. I want to be able to hold you at night and be able to put my leg against yours when we are sleeping. I was angry last night because I could not do that. I was angry last night because I cannot be intimate with you by touching you. NOT because you would not let me … more because I feel like there is a huge wall running through the center of the bed and this shell around my feelings… it’s my fault. It’s me! BUT… the only way I feel the wall can break down is if you do it.

I think I am making you very unhappy. I think I am hurting you. I do not want to do that. I am starting to wonder if you would be happier without me.

Well… let me know.

I Love You!

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