Category Archives: Feeling it

Taken Inventory

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So, I made the commitment for moving to San Francisco as of June 1st and because in the beginning of May  there was a moment where I had to shit or get off the pot. I have been in Vegas longer than anywhere else in life I have ever lived.
That is not such a bad thing because I have accomplished a lot of things while living here. I have lived while living here. I have been faced with people of the darkest souls and enriched by the most loving of hearts. I cannot tell you some of the things I have done, because there are some things that just don’t go into writing unless your getting a million dollar commission on it and appearing on Oprah.
While the wins here have been huge, there has been a lot of heart felt losses. While I grappled to hold on positive relationships, I bailed out quickly on those that felt disingenuous and poisonous.

  1. I had a great relationship with a man I credit as a soul mate even though I lost it
  2. I got my Associates Degree in Culinary and got to know a top chef in the U.S.
  3. I received my Bachelor of Science degree in web design
  4. I traveled from here to Buenos Aires, Thailand, and Bali
  5. I have eaten at some of the best restaurants you can imagine

The one thing I cold not wrap my head around in this city is the people. When I went to San Francisco a couple of years ago a homeless woman went into a Rite Aide and she did something wrong. The clerk asked her to stop and she politely responded. I was so shocked I needed to know what planet I was on.

Winterfest 2011

It seems like the worst street trash could come into this town and get a job and make tons of money. Now, the economy is so bad that people are clinging on to the few jobs remaining. Idiots are still the dominant species in town and the arrogant monkey butt scratchers have thinned out a lot.
If it were not for the Burner community here I am sure I would have gone completely insane. Most of them are really great people and yet there are some who will never ever ever get “it”.
No one is perfect or no place will be better than the last unless you (me) can change. I just feel like I am staring at a wall here and there is no place for me. I have been out of work in Vegas for a year. Yes, I have been “working” but I am barely making it by. I feel like a new stride and new paths can lead to something pretty amazing.

Projects Ho!

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I have some really powerful community projects I am working on. They all pretty much tie into Burning Man in some way because it is a community of souls I have really adopted. It is important to me to cultivate that energy.

  • www.nthtribe.com / www.twitter.com/nthtribe : is a project that will hopefully result in being able to grant artists grants by the date of the Burnal Equinox in 2012. It evolves around a structured system in a culture that seems to want to reject order. But, the focus of this project IS community, cultivating art & performance, and growth in a group dynamic.
  • www.sunguardians.net / www.facebook.com/pages/Sun-Guardians/202134439804040 : my new Burning Man camp that will have yoga classes through the week and have art classes. It will also promote a week long art project by the residents that will burn on Sunday before temple.
  • www.gayburners.com / www.twitter.com/gayburners : A shout-out on the JRS from Burning Man made the cockles of my heart warm for this project that is gaining real momentum.
  • I proposed a concept to Burning Man about something called M.A.S. (Member Action System) where a network is built for members to support members like and EAP program seen in many businesses. EAP is Employee Action Program that supports people with alcohol, narcotic and other kinds of addictions and problems seeking assistance.
  • …hmmm  oh “Final Passage” is my HUGE art project for burning man www.art23design.com

So, as much as I focus on my projects and laying seeds to greatness, there are so many times I wish it all brought in an income. If I were a Kardashian I might implode. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

These Times

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…they are a changing. So… I think in recent months (years) my direction on this blog has been to bitch about something. More like vent about something bugging the shit out of me.
Whatever… I am stressing about a lot of things and principle among them is that I am about to be out of money. Work is not coming in fast enough, but I am hoping for a miracle.
Alas, next week I am going to San Francisco for a few days to participate in another Burning Man thing. It is a leadership summit which I can benefit from in life as much as the things I do with Burning Man. It is relevant that I am seriously questioning my ability to continue with Burning Man at all.
I ask myself… where am I going? I am fearing where I will end up. Is Burning Man a vehicle for me or is it the path to my own demise; not Burning Man itself! Burning Man has opened up something inside of me like a window on my heart, but it’s still an empty window.
I can put flowers on the sill, maybe a fresh baked pie, but really it is all set decoration.
On this road I have planted seeds and raised flags. I have shaken hands but some home I managed to burn a lot of bridges. My karma points board is looking very sketchy and I look up… I look to the horizon… I find tears in my eyes and a hand to my heart. That hand looks for a pulse and the eyes cling to hope.
Plan A: Find a job now and start working full time and do everything I can to make it made….
Plan B: Keep trying to the end and if I fail be prepared to deal with the consequences without putting my weight on anyone else.
Plan C: (pending)

Where? What? Huh?

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Been feeling like making an entry, but my thoughts were focusing on negative things and I think I need to vary away from all that. I get so angry when I think about the pure evil that Cameron and Melissa have inflicted on this community and how so many people think it is so damn cute.
Anyway, I am working hard on getting this art project funded and off the ground, but fate seems to be working against me again. Maybe I am just walking down the wrong road? I cannot seem to get people to support me on this endeavor at least not at the level I really need.
Anyway, I have  a couple garments I am finishing up this weekend and one of them is so cool looking! I will scan them in and post on my portfolio site. 🙂

Paths

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Things have been going well, relatively speaking, and the blessing haqve continued to come. If only I could find some stable ground to stand on along the way.
I need to get a job or find some legal/valid source of income happening more than big art projects. This one project I am hoping will start to establish some credit because I am also joining with some other creative people to get this done. Apathy is killing me.
Saturday night was Winterfest and it was really cool. I enjoyed it a lot. I really felt something very different that night. It is special to know there are some people out there that are really supportive and loving. I looked and treated people differently, less with expectations, more with just what the universe was handing me.
In the course of that I met some cool people and hopefully set foundations for more cool stuff in the future.
I also had a meeting with some Burning Man brass on Friday and got some critical feedback from some things and I think I have already taken it to heart. Time for new pathways. The journey has been good, but it is time to make new paths.

Sunday Sunday

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Today was entirely a waste of a day. What do you do when you don;t get out of bed until 2 hours later than normal? What do you do when either allergy pills may have crossed with other medication leaving me a mindless zombie for a good part of the day. I could get nuuuuuuuuuuthing done today. Not even one creative pimple of juice in me to give.
I’ll say this… I had a good weekend. Considering how crappy my year started, there was a lot of reason to be worried for the rest of the year.
I had a first date with this guy on Friday night and he was really cool. He is only a year younger than me, which is a big bonus, but I am worried that we still have a lot to learn about each other, but hell! We had one date for 3 hours Friday, but we went to dinner last night and curled up on my couch for a movie last night. So nice.
So, time will tell.
As for today… I gave up. There is/was nothing left for me to give today readying myself for bed as I type this. I sincerely hope this year goes somewhere awesome… thanks mom for the support yesterday… it was the best.
Love and Light all

Zzzzt!

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Trepidations on moving forward and advancing for life right now. I have a lot of hope on the future and somehow the enablers of the world have me feeling good about believing in myself and thing I can make this art thing work. I really believe in this project and am tweaking it a lot in my head.
Even as I sit here I am looking at how to make this but it’s evolving beyond the original concept. OMG, I just JUST had an epiphany.
Okay, too much to explain right now… got to go.

Reflections

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Well, the day is winding down and I feel lik the face life of UrielsJournal is basically done. I am sure I will add more over time. I am also very interested in hearing what people think.
Odly, I know people are visiting and reading through these pages and I do not get a lot of comments. I know I used to get a lot more back in time, like through the period when I lived in Boston to shortly after moving to Las Vegas. Maybe I will hear more in the future?
My mom reads these things… unless she gave up on it and ran away because there was too much depressing shit on here. Lord knows I have enough blog sites out there. No… I cannot tell you off handed how many there are. REDCarte.Com, Art23Design.Com, GotNurv.Com and this one are probably the most active of them.
Anyway, I took my sleeping pill a few minutes ago and am waiting for all the wheels in the head to get a guncked up and pass out. You might have noticed my tweet yesterday how FUCKED UP this year has started off with… but it is so wierd that as fucked up as it was that I am still okay.
My mom worries too much about me and I am sure at this point she thinks I am completely off my nut. I am in a good way. I am wanting to be happy in life doing something that makes it worth getting up for everyday… but it’s not been available to me.
My father always told me to keep my head down and nose to the grindston and blah blah blah. He spent his career in a job he hated, because it served a couple purposes. 1. He never had to care about what anyone else thought. 2. He was probably fucking everything he could find while driving his truck. 3. It put food on the table and let him save enough money to retire at 55. So, there is a wisdom in that (point 3 specifically) but he is a miserable, selfish man who … well, let’s just close that baggage before we go any further.
The point is I get his point on that point. Following that? Is it selling my soul to get a job I hate to get through the next day? Is it wrong of me to want to do amazing things with art and such? Food! Yes, making food! If I could I would have a restaurant!
This chick who own Forte Tapas here in Vegas loves art and food and she has her place, but she has to be a lot smarter than me. She has it.
Okay, don rambling tonight. I put the facelife on UrielsJournal and am putting a facelife on GayBurners.Com hopefully finishing tomorrow.
xo

The Universe

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STOP SCREAMING AT ME!!!!!!!!
Okay, now to something a little less schizophrenic. To start off with, a little background, I am a believer in Augurism (spell check tells me this is not a word). It is something they last used (to my knowledge with the exception of current Wicca) in ancient Rome to tell the future, present past blah blah blah. Like if an eagle appeared in the sky the battle would be victorious; end of long explanation.
Been seeing a lot of signs, but because of the DISASTER that was my move to Portland, I have been ignoring things and letting other things stand in my way. Today, no less than half a dozen sign and one actually spoken to my FACE by someone completely out of character like she was possessed…. yeh.
I think God or the Universe or whatever… has been kicking me in the balls over and over and over and I am too engrossed in NOTHING to listen.
Hm… when I am sober tomorrow I’ll revisit these thoughts.