At this point I am thinking wayyyyyy too much. I just took Tom for a walk and I thought about things Brian was telling me last night. He told me how he took his dog for a walk and it was as if it was the perfect moment. This was while he was telling me how I need to live in the moment instead of the other…

I know I count on the future. I counted on a couple psychics who read my future through their cards and I was crunched under that one… remember the psychic in the Village, Brian? Well, let’s say I have serious doubts when it comes to those characters.

Anyway, while I was walking Tom there was a full moon in the south east eclipsed by thick gray clouds. Diana has not been friendly to me in my life, so I treaded carefully as I looked on the magnificent beauty of the moon. The clouds matched my thoughts.

In the northeast there was a fierce storm moving through. Lightening flashes lit up the sky brilliantly, thunder rumbled and got further away with each blast, and the clouds were thick, white and angry.

It was like yin and yang were in the sky arguing about the fate of mankind. It was awesome. I watched letting my anxieties rumble on like the thunder, but the thunder in my head was only getting louder. So, I stopped fixating… for now.

What does it mean to live for the moment? How do I stay inside and how do I stay in the present? How do I stop thinking about the future with every action and reaction. How do I stop the storm?

Sound dramatic? It’s not. No need to worry right now… but I need to find answers.

Here I am adding a second post… this is after I worked on my immediate goals. SHIT… this is harder to do than I thought. What do you think? Page Link

Brian’s words were in my head today. What he said made a lot of sense. He said that I should think more of the NOW instead of …the opposite of that. He is eerily accurate about all that and it worries me.

When I consciously think about it, I can stay in the moment. When I put some real mental effort into it… I can stay in the moment. Something tells me that is not the way it should be?

So, now I wonder how I can look into that more as well as my other issues added to this diary a few days ago. In thought, I have been contemplating how to be more of where I want to be… I have been thinking about choices and how to define myself.

See, for years I was an Information Tehnology professional… with a side ambition of being an entreprenuer. I owned a Travel Agency once-upon-a-time (surprised to hear that?) Well, then I got working on a new strategy after I moved back from Boston to open a restaurant with a pal. Thus, landing me in Las Vegas. I became a chef as a result of that, by going to school to learn how to manage a restaurant, kitchen, and restaurant people. Now, graduated from school, I am a cook at a pastry shop doing sweets that I have no interest in; I like savory cooking and want to do more. So… now I am figuring out my goals. My partner in the restaurant project ended up bankrupt and I was left in Vegas with egg poured over my head. So, goal-wise I am looking into myself if I have the faith and the fortifutde to carry on in the food biz or retreat back to IT???

What do you think now?

So, if anyone is reading this AT ALL. I added a new page to the site last night featuring my goals. It’s in the about section… this is a work in progress and will be updated.

I’ve been thinking:

(This is where I will relieve my brain of it’s wild thinking and get it out to spare me so I can sleep tonight)

I believe in somthing of augurism, which was used in ancient Rome emporers and religious people looked to nature for signs. Aneagle flying meant it was time for war… blah blah blah. Well, I also see my life like a Kaballic Tale, where life is nearly literally a path through a forest… with good roads and bad roads. Coming to Vegas was a new road…

I see other people on roads that sometimes come close to mine and I see them hung up on trees (bad boyrfriends or a lousy job) or their roads blocked all-together (jail, personal loss, etc.). It makes me accutely aware of my own path…. so I know I have had a lot lot lot of obstacles on my road lately that has slowed me down. Lots of ditractions. I see myself looking ahead for a new road…

Just talked to Brian on-line and he is reading my diary… hi brian.

Anyway, philosophically speaking, I see much of life as a metaphore. I see myself in the context of a temprary visitor in it… though I believe I have an old, grungy, slightly jaded soul. I get depressed, upset, and dispaointed in it allonce in a while so in the past I have used this diary to vomit it all back.

My point about the obstacles was… since I am walking through my path I find myslef help balc by a lot of tree branches and thisltes. I find people and events popping up that interrupt every achievement, almost every goal, and it is starting to really piss me off.

• weight loss
• restaurant goals
• professional goals
• relationship goals
• and other little stupid things I want to get ahead with….

No, I am not trying to blame others or make excuses. In a way, just writing what I did, it may seem that I am blaming outside elements. BUT, in the bigger picture, I believe these events are merely signs that I am not doing what I need to be doing to get ahead.

Let’s see what develops.

Goals, goals, goals… no excuses. No blaming anyone else. No more limits. No more worrying about what other peole think. I need to be ME!

So what about Adolfo, Scott? WELL, we had another fight this week and I hit him with a lot of things I was angry about that went back to last year. BUT we are doing good now… again… for the meantime. I am giving it til December to see what happens.. December is my new decision date for life.

I need goals. Gary wrote me and trie to shake me, smack me a couple of times, telling me I need goals. I have been meaning to write new ones down, but I have let everything just kinda melt in the fucking…. horrible…hot Las Vegas heat. I’m melting!!!!!

So, look for this to appear soon in my “about section”. I promosed this once before, but of course I dragged my feet.

So…. I need to write some things to get off my chest. As you know I am feeling trapped in my job… it’s become this dead end and that I am not getting anything. I have money coming in from it. I get benefits (that I am not using like I should). I work with some people I like… a few I do not… but it’s veery comfortbale. I do have to dela with a lot of people who are… basically stupid.

My anxiety is that I feel like I am not fulfilling anything I want to do in life right now. I have no freedom in it. It is a nuse around my neck which is why I have to write my goals out and get them posted… so until then no more BITCHING.

I also worry that my cooking skills suck. This is stricly my own judgement.

Imagine standing in the eye of a hurricane. All around you is the storm and you can see things in that wind that is swirling around you:

• Adolfo and my commitment.
• My ability to love Adolfo.
• My weight and self-image issues.
• My future happiness
• My desire to fullfill something inside of me…. (I’ll explain more later)

Anyway, I have had time when I wanted to leave Adolfo. A major catalyst recently was our trip to Disney where he rabidly assaulted my feelings in the lobby of the Hotel as I was checking in. If there is one thing anyone who knows me should respect is that do not EVER EVER EVER call me out in public. That is your tombstone in my eyes….

On the other hand I cannot imagine being without him in my life. I go out daily and think about him. I love being next to him in bed. I love being next to him on the couch. I love being out in the world with him. His assets include an amazing ability to be charming when he is in the right mood. He is charming, sweet and humorous when he wants to be.

Adolfo has called me out and embarrased me so many times I cannot keep count. He did it at Disney, he did it at a networking and school event at Jillians last year, he did it at a couple parties.

But, that is what I have to live with huh?

As far as that something inside me is concerned… I want to travel. I want to embrace the world. God willing I would be a Anna Jolie if I could. I saw a picture of a Spanish coast line and I deperately want to go there. I dream about going to France with such a passion that you can only imagine. Amsterdam sparks a curiousity in me; before meeting Adolfo I planned on moving there and retiring one day. I love Italy and dream about returning there too.

These are the ties that bind…. so I am fulfilled by my own imagination and dreams.

No, Gary darling, this was not just to get your goat. I actually think and get stuck on these things! The fact I feel stuck right now is my own hubris.

Ever since we got back, for the most part, Adolfo has been very sweet. He has his moody moment, he will always be a negative bith, but he is learning to curb it all.

I have not finished reading my book yet… though it has changed pace to something quite exciting. Someone tried to kill Ceasar with poison and the suspect is Gordianus’ son Meto. Oh, it looks bad. Because the same wine would have killed Cleopatra. I am going to read it right now…

So goodnight all!

good crap… i ahve managed to make an entry every day for the last week. i must be bored, not have enough to do, or just need to get a lot of crap off my chest. i want to encourage my freinds to do this blog thing too so I can share soemthing with them. ian is the only friend doing it too… i think.

 

i have to say, ever since adolfo was a complete ASS at disney that ONE day, he has been exceptionally cute and sweet. i am picking him up tonight from work and we’re supposed to go out.

 

i also went over to kenny&brian’s tonight and hung out for a bit too. the bi-otches still have not read my website. they also are asking if i am cheating on adolfo. they heard me talking to someone on the phone and think i am doing something dirty… not. kisses all.

I bought this stuff called “Advil” last night and I have to tell you I am thrilled. I feel SOOOO good today. My back is not bothering me at all! Good news, eh?

 

Last night on a news show 48 Hours I saw a sotry on dieting and it has me thinking a lot. They showed this program for a 21 Day Detox that really struck a cord for me. It was struck again when I walked into the gym tonight and saw my own reflection… ugh. I am a cow.

 

I want to feel better about myself, so I am seriously considering it! The results for this one woman were pretty amazing… it might be a good step for a new change.

 

Ho-hum… don’t I sound boring.

 

No one e-mailed me today and no one was home when I called. boo-hoo…

In the last three days my back has been KILLING ME! I either pulled a muscle in the center of my back or have an ice-pick back there that is invisible to the eye. Wednesday I took a lot of aspirin and thought it was going away. I dealt with it yesterday and aspirin’d it down again. But today, nothing seems to be happening to put the pain down.

 

I took aspirin with coke to make it act faster (coca-cola not cocaine!). My left side is a lot weaker than my right now. I went to the store tonight to get some Advil as a new alternative. I took two of those before heading to bed… which I will do in a few minutes.

 

My thoughts tonight:

I think they were awful to Martha Stewart!

 

I met two guys here in Las Vegas whom I like a lot. They meay read this? They may read this tonight. My diary is a snapshot of my thoughts and my anxieties and more… nothing should be taken too seriously.

 

Gary: I loved your e-mail. You wrote some wonderful things that made me stop and think… which is what I count on with you. I wish you were around me, man. I need someone like you to kick me in the ass. Too many people placate to my anxietites and enable my weaker atributes…

 

Brian and Kenny: I adore these guys who recently connected to Adolfo and I. Kenny gives this impression of being strong willed, domonant and sorta pure of heart . Brian seems a little more wicked and aloof, but his Libra heart leaves him balanced. This is definitely the reader’s digest version of the guys, but I hope to be writing and depicting more of them on my site in the future. 

Dieting: Ugh, I have been wanting to slim down for two years. I gained 30+ pounds after leaving Boston. As mentioned previously in another entry, I am very unhappy with life right now and need to do better! Gary, I am working on something.

 

I updated my “about” section and will add one more piece to that… goals. Long term, short term, and more. See halonet.net for other things I am doing.