It’s been a wierd week and I am trying to review my life situation and determine where I need to go and what sacrifices I need to make. It’s frustrating as I struffle to make ends meet – like everyone else in this country – and make plans to shed a lot of the crap I have collected.

I feel like a big snowball. I look into this walkin closet I have and though I have cleaned out a lot of stuff I have a ton of more junk – papers – and whatvers I got through my last 2 relationships floating around.

Adolfo and I were mad-shoppers and even when I was with Brian I still collected a lot of crap. I still have papers going back more than a decade from power bills and this-n-that that just needs to go. I plan on sacrificing some of it ceramoniously to the Man. How about them apples… what do I mean? See the link at the top in the shape of THE MAN.

last night was another LVBurner beach meetup. It was small, which is cool, but amazing. Thank God that Damain was there with his kit and played some awesome music.

I find myself seduced. I’ve been involved with this burner community for less than a year and my enthusiasm is still quite high. I got an email from someone today trying to reach me off one of the boards I post to with all kinds of links to their camp on the playa… it’s called Moonbow camp. I am pretty impressed with their pictures and general setup.

It’s cool how much this thing grows, but is it just another drug. ha ha ha… not so melodeamatic. People who want to explore this thing need to do it on their own terms. People who define it before exploring it deep enough will never know this. I will complete my journey in less than 60 days.

I’m still figuring a lot of things out…….

I felt like this whole day was different. We’re past that crazy period after the full moon – and it’s a f’d up period – but now there is renewed energy in the cosmos. It’s a lunar thing… follow it and you might be surprised.

I digress. Without getting into detail I have been suffering from a headache almost all day, but my energy level has been peaked. I have felt pretty comfy in my own skin. It’s all pretty good.

That b.s. I went through with M* is in the past, but I have some things belonging to him here in the house I want to get back as soon as possible. Giving him the boot has put a crimp in some of my plans – all Burning Man related (see my other blog for BM details).

I really want to go to this one event in SD (Burners without Borders) that is a fund raiser, but I could not possibly travel with him now. He is part of the package if I go with my crew. He is also on the outs for traveling with me to Burning Man. Sucks!

Meanwhile, I am now worried I will not be able to sleep tonight. I had trouble last night sleeping. It was so wierd. I have been sleeping fairly soundly recently – also wierd. So, I took a melatonin and just finished a warm milk with a drop of madagascar vanilla… yum yum yum. No sugar or caffeine… thank you.

Speaking of which I really need to stop drinking so much milk… it’s just not good for me… ugh. Okay, this is boiling down to a ramble. cya

We are just days away from the big One and I will stand in the shadow of the man in awe. I am no where prepared for the event, but I am hoping that my experience with the regional events and all the veterans will help me manage. It’s 8 days and seven nights in the desert.

The guy that was supposed to go with me has been ejected – yes, I am not going with someone I cannot get along with. He turned out to be someone very destructive and I just can’t have that energy around me for this mission.

It seems I am at a very precarious time right now in my own psyche as I started a journey last year with a completion date set for Burning Man. As I look ahead to that date with new eyes I am deeply worried about that conclusion. I find myself pausing and feeling afraid – of all things.

At the same time I looked around to some of the people I have met connected to Burning Man and found many of them to be the most genuine that I have ever met before. It’s as if they represented what I was hoping to find in the gay community. Genuine and Gay are not synonymous!

Alas, the fear felt is that although the journey has been fulfilling and growth inspiring, is it really for me?

Not long ago I was accused of being a full time burner. Odd because this is my first year and I am labeled a “newbie” and “virgin”. I also have participated pretty heavily in that world – heavily especially for someone new to the scene. And I liked it a lot.

So, as I look into my crystal ball I predict I will go to Burning Man: Evolution and be overwhelmed. I will participate and dip into everything I can while there. I will come back hopefully more enlightened and with a better outlook on the world.

I feel like I am currently at the core of a snow ball and all the things I have idealized will have a new perspective. How does Burning Man have that affect? It’s not just BM. It’s not one thing. It is all together; the journey itself, the people I have met in and out of the BM community, the social experimentation, and some changes I have been forced to come to terms with in life.

The Poster is on Sale NOW!

It’s been an interesting week. I started it off with a lot of fun and thought – coming to some conclusions. As many know I started a new journey at the end of last summer set for 1 year. Well, that year is coming to a conclusion with the completion of Burning Man.

No – I don’t know what I am writing tonight. I am just thinking it is a good idea to say something… share a feeling… put out an anxiety. uhm, yeah….

Nothing there right now. Just have so much work to do, projects to complete, and obligations to meet. If being broke is one kvetch I can squeeze out tonight then let it be.

I have a couple of design clients I want to finish their sites, but they are not giving me content. I can;t get paid until I am done… right. Ugh! Please please please….

hugs all – I am going to bed

So, I had some time to think about this guy I got involved with and think that it as a huge mistake. He has no idea and no concept of empathy; which is fine as long as the attitude is not cruel. In a way it went there and he is so about himself that he could never imagine how he left me feeling inside. Imagine Jack McFarlane from Will&Grace with issues.

I have been working on opening my heart and being a better person to relate with. Well, this was an occasion that basically took the heart and threw it on the ground and pooped on it – then pointed and laughed at it. Well, that is how it plays out in my head.

Alas, my stress level is not overwhelming yet. Putting the whole dating fiasco on the back burner for now… I am managing on other levels.

Mom just called saying she was all worried about me and I appreciated it. She worries too much, but it’s cool to have a mom.

I put up a web site recently honoring the local burner community. It is live at www.lvburners.com. I expect it to grow radically. That would be cool.

Change and Chaos go hand in hand. In this case chaos is in the heart. I started seeing someone recently and then I was told – I am not physically attracted to you. The natural question about starting at all is… then why? Why start something to begin with and use words like “love” if it is only there in portion.

There is no answer. I’m not a woman – so I don’t need closure. I dared to ask the questions that were haunting me and I got the answers. I knew it was wrong to start.

The head and the heart are enemies and siblings at the same time. One is always jealous of the other, so they deceive one-another. Bitter allies… sucks hard doesn’t it?

I would like to think I finally hit that point of tolerance where I have simply had enough, but there will be more. As sad as I have been – as hurt as I have been – as many stupid decisions I have made – the circle loops back.

The sadness I often feel in the depth of it is mirrored by the pain and sadness I probably affected on others. I could put Adolfo up as the example… he complained I gave him nothing but pain and grief. I think poor Tom is my latest victim… poor dog.

Tom is the greatest dog ever and it seems like lately I keep failing him. How can I imagine keeping someone in my life happy?

…this is a sick life.

Okay, so I did a lot of grousing last night on here with 2 whole entries. Maybe it opened me up a bit and now I feel a little more expressive. I hope it is in a good way.

I’m not alone, but life just seems like a daily struggle. It’s supposed to be a learning experience. BUT – one my of my lifelong problems is looking into someone else’s yard thinking the grass is greener. Usually not – because everyone has their own struggles. I am sure Paris Hilton often finds her life in question sometimes thinking it is hard – she can;t be that vapid.

The point is we all have our challenged – not wanting to sound like a giant angry vagina – nor do I want to seem like I am back-peddling. But I am constantly walking forward three steps and sliding back 2 to 4 steps never feeling like I am getting ahead – at least for long.

NO POOR ME SHIT!!! I take full ownership of my shit. I am the only person who makes my bad decisions and for 20 years I have made a steady stream of them. Although they seem great in the moment… usually not so good.

So, about my father – he’s still an asshole but the only tie that binds is a monetary debt and hopefully I can manage that soon (I have to).

Regarding finding work, I am working that out painfully slowly. Trying to develop a business.

For friends and lovers – maybe one day I will know that love again. (Sounds much more dramatic than it is in my head trust me). There are some people I really care for, but there are too many others that say they like/love me and I can clearly see they do not respect me.

I AM NO SAINT… I talk out of my ass jokingly a lot… but fuck you all who can;t take the time to really know me. I am an open book – usually.