Change and Chaos go hand in hand. In this case chaos is in the heart. I started seeing someone recently and then I was told – I am not physically attracted to you. The natural question about starting at all is… then why? Why start something to begin with and use words like “love” if it is only there in portion.

There is no answer. I’m not a woman – so I don’t need closure. I dared to ask the questions that were haunting me and I got the answers. I knew it was wrong to start.

The head and the heart are enemies and siblings at the same time. One is always jealous of the other, so they deceive one-another. Bitter allies… sucks hard doesn’t it?

I would like to think I finally hit that point of tolerance where I have simply had enough, but there will be more. As sad as I have been – as hurt as I have been – as many stupid decisions I have made – the circle loops back.

The sadness I often feel in the depth of it is mirrored by the pain and sadness I probably affected on others. I could put Adolfo up as the example… he complained I gave him nothing but pain and grief. I think poor Tom is my latest victim… poor dog.

Tom is the greatest dog ever and it seems like lately I keep failing him. How can I imagine keeping someone in my life happy?

…this is a sick life.

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