You know, there is a lot of people in this world whom I have grown to love and appreciate. BUT, many of them are outside of a shell for me. I choose freinds and invest everything and somewhere along the way it became/becomes too much or I manage to fuck it up somehow.
When I recently made a move to get back together with my ex, Adolfo, I really thought there was a chance something could come from it. I may have thrown too much too fast, especially for him and his life things that he is still dealing with.
I love/d him for a very long time and it can’t just be turned off. We spent 6 years of my life together and I used the word “soul-mate”.
But I was a fighter. I was a believer. I’m not sure how much I am anymore.
It does not help I met a nice boy recently who is 21 years younger than me. He is sweet and good company, but it’s not exactly like we have had many deep conversations. Who knows…
None the less, my last entry is making a very loud sound in my head. I will have time to do a lot of thinking this week.
My best friend of 3 years here in Vegas has been dissing me more and more; taking me completely for granted. At the same time, he’s come through on a couple pinches. I got mad at him last Monday because he stood me up for some reason and I have not heard from him since.
My friends in in L.A. seem a million miles away. Seeing Kaidy was huge and rewarding. Cooking for his friends was pure joy.
Jeffy-Jeff was not to be found while I was in L.A… bummer x 100
But, not to play the sad song, few people have gone as deep as these guys.
On the other side of the shell is my Burner Family. It’s full of passionate people with deeply helped points of view, but at the same time deep and warm embarrass on every meeting. But even that is about to change.
Category Archives: Things that haunt me
Meh
I just read through some of this shit… I hated it all.
Now what?
Can’t say I can see the future… but after my last three entries I had hopes for something to go more positive. Now I deleted those three entries thinking I might be deluding myself once again.
I live life with a head full of pixie dust and dreams. For an artist who could support himself that might be a good thing, but a down and out loser who is making chump-change and can’t maintain a job it’s not so good.
Maybe dad was right about a lot of things, maybe he was just an asshole. None the less, there are times when his advice seems brilliant and his words take on meaning.
I feel stupid for believing in people and believing in myself. I’m stupid for trying to be
Meh… mom stop reading these stupid entries and and just delete the email login I sent you… you needn’t get wrapped up in my shit. I should have told you that already. When we talked on the phone earlier I had hopes that things with Adolfo and I were really going to go somewhere. I’m not so sure.
I’m a huge fuckup. I am the living embodiment of fuckup.
Identity Crisis
Since coming back from Burning Man I have made a lot of promises to myself, most of which I have managed to keep. These promises are all for my personal well-being and growth.
However, I have been left in this cloud where there is a distinct lack of direction and ability to latch onto something to get my life evolving forward.
- I’ve made this promise of sobriety; not that I am a drunk or anything but I spent much of the last 2 years partying and doing things that were fun, but there is a point where one wants to take a step back and re-asses.
- I’ve made this promise to eat food that is better for me; in fact I have been doing quite well. Fast food wrecks my internals parts and I feel bloated and gross after eating almost anything coming out of a drive-thru window.
- I’ve set goals to create more and do more independent projects; I have 3 projects in the fire right now as seen on art23design.com
I am left without a sail right now and as I have worked to be a better person, both inside and out, I have found that something is broken.
Truth be told, I have been seeing a psychologist for a while talking about things in life and some of the baggage that I have been holding onto. A LOT OF STUFF keeps going back to the relationship between my father and I as well as my biological sister and I.
Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle Chuck on my mom's side of the family.
My father and I had a very painful and disconnected relationship growing up and I was exploring some of it in a piece of art I was working on last night. His voice and his verbal abuse that literally sought to break me into something as loathsome as himself:
- You are worthless
- You are nothing
- You are a mistake
- You are not worth carrying my name
And a lot more items that still echo in my head and have reemerged while struggling with this unemployment situation and struggling to find my foothold as I march forward. At some point in my life Jack Kraske and Scott Kraske became passive/aggressive enemies and faith and love for this man was crushed.
He and my sister will never understand where I am coming from and there was a point about 2 years ago when I finally realized, my father has no faith in me at all.
- My biological sister was always the one who could do no wrong, her pedestal was pretty high
- She lied about a fight we had to the family and there is no way she can recant without looking like a fool
- She has told her 3 absolutely beautiful children she was an only child
- She is denying access for her kids to my mom and lies to her constantly
There is obviously a lot of baggage there too. I have had to come to terms with that relationship falling away because I do not think she and I have had a conversation in 25 years. There was something a couple years ago and she cowardly hid behind her husband speaking out of pure ignorance and stupidity… long story.
It’s all so very ugly and haunts me, because this is immediate family and is really filled with dysfunction and disconnection making “family” a four letter word. The people who are closest to you hurt you the worst. I feel like the black seed that has caused a cancer in this family that has gone beyond the immediate circle and branched up the chain enough that my mistakes are compounded by the history that began with my poor judgement. I refuse to be abused any more and I made another promise: To stop tearing myself down thinking it makes me humble… it just looks pathetic and hurts people that care about me.
kvetching
so on Facebook I did a bit of a rant today because of someone else’s entry. It was a super whine from someone I carried a lot of respect for. Ugh, without stabbing a finger at the person directly; truth told I am just frustrated with people here in general. I did my grousing a few entries back where I included pictures of some of the offenders.
So, on Sunday John came by out of the blue and planted himself in my living room not without a few words from me on his arrival. I told him I was pissed at him for leaving me in the dust while he was dating this German douche… no apologies or explanations from him.
His appearance allowed me to step away form some work that was frustrating me. However, all he did was anchor himself down on the couch and watch the television. I had plans on going to the gym before a Burner event that night… so we went together.
We still had almost nothing to say to each other. It was annoying because it was still burning my ass he had no excuses for this idiot German douche. He kept saying – we are not going to last… blah blah blah….
I recently posted a “status” on facebook:
“Scott Kay just curiously (in one adjective) are you my penpal, friend, lover, stalker, obsession, lust-bunny or new-red-rash? Who are you???? ANSWER ME!”
Well some people took it too seriously and others got the spirit of the concept. One person in particular sorta kicked me in the balls… I thought we were friends – but apparently I was deluded. deluded – again.
Vomit – whining again. Bitching… here I am looking around and trying to decide if it is worth staying here in this village of the damned. I have a soul, no wonder I do not belong here. AHHHHHHHHHH
Traveling: IN Whittier, CA
We are curently traveling and are in Whittier, California. We left Las Vegas on Monday and went to my dad’s place.
My dad (www.[redacted].com) has changed so much over time and yet remains the same. It is as if somehow, over time, we have grown toward each other. I have always loved my family and because of my gay orientation I think it created a barrier between us. He probably would never ask “are you gay?” or anything like that. I dunno… but I love him and his wife.
Then we went to see my mom. She is all excited about a product she wants to sell as the next miracle product. Really, it’s another pyramid scheme packaged nicely. I feel bad for her because she is counting on it to help with their retirement.
Now, we’re here in Whittier (as I mentioned earlier) and I feel like odd-man-out. Most people here are speaking Spanish and I understand only a little of it. I got frustrated last night having been in the middle of a conversation when suddenly everyone revert to Spanish and I was out. They think I should learn Spanish… maybe I could? But, I have tried and languages are not my strong suit… so I get screwed in the end.
I speak German. I can speak it fairly well… but I started learning German when I was a kid. I lived in Germany. Hell, if it were not for that I might not be able to speak it today?????
We are going shopping today. Nothing exciting… IKEA and some other stuff. xo