What is it about the last couple of years where I seemingly burned a lot of bridges as if I was making some strange purge of people from my life? It started with my father and slowly it was as if I decided I no longer needed a lot of people in my life.
Some were absolutely toxic and dangerous, but some (as I look back) were left on the other side of a broken and badly damaged bridge with little to no hope of repair. I am left with SOME regrets and sadness that things were either out of context or seemed bigger at the time than they were.
Bottom line I am left behind standing pretty alone and pretty much either abandoned or standing over the bodies of the fallen.
It’s painful to think about the people that fell off my radar. There are some I loved so much and I honestly do not think the feelings are mutual.
I want to rip the skin off my body and put on another one and move on in my life as someone else. Someone better than me. Someone nicer than me. Someone who can appreciate people better than I.
On the verge of just letting go (don’t make more out of that than it is). I am looking for the reset button and looking for the path I am supposed to be on because I am stalled right now. I am literally in a hole I cannot talk about on this journal. Every day I stay in Vegas in this situation in this circumstance in this reality it is gunna get deeper.
Category Archives: Things that haunt me
That Guy
There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. I am in a tough place when it comes to surviving day to day while trying to make something out of the activities that I do. I work on web sites and help friends with P.R. for their businesses and am not getting paid for any of it. I even offer my services for free or trade. It amazes me when I offer a friend free whatever and I am turned down.
Since I became a member of this Burner “thing” I feel like I fell into a community that I really needed both for my sanity and my social life. I can’t say how many times I felt down and out and being around these people – well it is impossible to not fee lifted in the end. By being actively involved and working to make things happen occasionally I felt like I was opting in and being supportive. By defending the principles of this thing in a recent battle with another leader in the community I was defending a philosophy I believed in.
Burning Man is this social experiment that took a life of it’s own over the last 26 years. It began in San Francisco by a handful of people and now is a congregation of 53,000 people in the middle of the Nevada Desert once a year. But, there are a lot of regional and local activities. It is impossible for me to define what it is, so check the web site for more information: www.burningman.com.
So, how is it that so very very often I feel like I do not have a friend in the world? I mean there are people I love and care about… if I consider you a friend (of a certain caliber) I would do ANYTHING you asked for. If you are a friend of another caliber I would be there and be supportive, in fact my door would always be open.
All too often I am alone at home sitting behind this computer losing myself in a web site design, a writing project, a proposal for an art project, theme camp, or something else superfluous to the real world. I am that guy who would be more comfortable sitting in an empty white room than a crowd of people in a club or a party.
I am the guy who goes to the big party and works the door where it is safe and never really joins the party because there is an expectation that I interact or have fun with people I know, but still have trouble connecting with people on some important levels. I just do not know how to connect and maintain that very long.
I am in a rabbit hole and I feel like Tweedledum and act like the Catepillar, wishing I was the Cheshire Cat, but turns into the Queen of Hearts.
This is not a sad song entry, nor should anyone (mom) take too much from this. I am dealing with a lot on my shoulders and letting a lot of people down in the meantime. When I participate in this Burning Man stuff I get to enjoy Wonderland for a little while and the Burning Man Event itself is a complete disconnect from all the weight of the world.
Empty. Defeated. Hallow. Broken. Shaken. Anxious. Me.
After I broke up with Aldo he told me he thinks my “expectations” are too high when it comes to dating and other people. He could never live up to my standard, but there was a bigger issue there which was our age. We had 20 years between us.
I just cannot connect. The people I want to call my friends do not respond back to me the way I want to treat and honor them. When I say I would do anything for you, for all intent and purpose, it is really true. Let’s not get freaky with that, but when I want to share a part of my life with my “friend” and you stonewall me I then realize that friendship is/may not be what I thought it was. It breaks my heart.
I think one of the reasons I have a hard time connecting and trusting people is that almost EVERY SINGLE PERSON I called a friend of the highest level has stabbed me in the back. My relationships have been a series of abject failures like roofing tiles on a house of cards.
I am that guy in a crowded room that feels like an empty desert.
In an entry like this I can only let out so much and as the page grows long and longer I feel like it is better to wrap up the sad tale early. The things I am going through right now are not things I want to share. Here are some bullets of the things I would talk about but can’t:
- the fact that I miss a lot of people in my life who have moved on in one form or another
- that the 2 true loves of my life are all I will ever experience again; one died 15 years ago and one lives 4 miles away and hates me
- that I really go on my knees every night and thank God for the day and pray for EVERY member of my family and the people in my life having a hard time
- that Tom the Dawg is getting older and I can’t take care of him like he needs to be and he is all I have
- that I worry about my mom and my failures when it comes to taking care of her and returning her investment on me
- that I am literally terrified I am loosing my damn mind because I am just so overwhelmed with anxiety almost every day
So – this is not a pity statement. But this is what is in my head every day. I mask it. I pretend these demons are not there. I deal with it all in my own way. I just get through every day.
My 2011 Burning Man
I updated my 2011 page for Burning Man today because as I roll forward I want some sense of my plans posted even if no one is paying attention. Grr…
Pity moment over! ha ha ha
Well, I am literally at war with two local strong figures in the Burner world because I am standing strong against their really bad behavior and I am getting my butt kicked by people who put their heads in the sand. There is always that danger that I was wrong, but I am getting a lot of support OFF the record and in some occasions ON.
The thing is Burners generally seem to want to stay away from drama and are willing to put up with crap and avoid avoid avoid rather than standing strong and saying – “oh hell no!” Me, I really believe in Burning Man and I believe in what the I get from the 10 Principles and I hate to see it crapped on like it is.
I cried about this in a previous entry on my Burner Blog and the drama has continued. In fact, the tension has continued. I made the post public because I felt it needed to be discussed publicly and when that happened it took new shape.
Paths
Things have been going well, relatively speaking, and the blessing haqve continued to come. If only I could find some stable ground to stand on along the way.
I need to get a job or find some legal/valid source of income happening more than big art projects. This one project I am hoping will start to establish some credit because I am also joining with some other creative people to get this done. Apathy is killing me.
Saturday night was Winterfest and it was really cool. I enjoyed it a lot. I really felt something very different that night. It is special to know there are some people out there that are really supportive and loving. I looked and treated people differently, less with expectations, more with just what the universe was handing me.
In the course of that I met some cool people and hopefully set foundations for more cool stuff in the future.
I also had a meeting with some Burning Man brass on Friday and got some critical feedback from some things and I think I have already taken it to heart. Time for new pathways. The journey has been good, but it is time to make new paths.
2011 Has Begun
I have been very reflective the last couple of weeks with the beginning of the year. I am questioning my place in the community I have come to love so much.
One basic fact is there are a hell of a lot of really cool people whom I can say I genuinely love. Those same people send a lot of love back. If I could manage to find someone I could date with that same vibe, I would be the luckiest guy on earth.
There is a handful of people in that same group that I have managed to alienate and it is because I let myself, no put myself, into the political machine and am now officially chewed up as much as I can stand. You should have seen how much I worked to stay out of that role up to a point, but through a pseudo mentorship from someone I trusted who is a leader in the community I let myself get wrapped up in the wrong things.
It started with one nasty person who became a cancer in something so wonderful. Is it true, the one bad apple can spoil a whole pie, idea? Yes.
You either die a hero, or you
live long enough to see yourself become
the villain.
That quote from Harvey Dent in the Batman movie resonates in my head as I write this, and from an email I sent in private earlier today. Does it apply to me? Does it apply to Cameron? Either way, I feel like the one going down in flames.
I question my continued involvement for a lot of reasons. Will I make it to Burning Man this year, I am making every effort to get there, but not with the same energy I have had for the last 2.5 years.
As this community takes on fissures and fractures and comes undone I will continue to try and do my best. But it is time to pull the cord on the political discourse.
This is really eating me alive.
Sunday Sunday
Today was entirely a waste of a day. What do you do when you don;t get out of bed until 2 hours later than normal? What do you do when either allergy pills may have crossed with other medication leaving me a mindless zombie for a good part of the day. I could get nuuuuuuuuuuthing done today. Not even one creative pimple of juice in me to give.
I’ll say this… I had a good weekend. Considering how crappy my year started, there was a lot of reason to be worried for the rest of the year.
I had a first date with this guy on Friday night and he was really cool. He is only a year younger than me, which is a big bonus, but I am worried that we still have a lot to learn about each other, but hell! We had one date for 3 hours Friday, but we went to dinner last night and curled up on my couch for a movie last night. So nice.
So, time will tell.
As for today… I gave up. There is/was nothing left for me to give today readying myself for bed as I type this. I sincerely hope this year goes somewhere awesome… thanks mom for the support yesterday… it was the best.
Love and Light all
Reflections
Well, the day is winding down and I feel lik the face life of UrielsJournal is basically done. I am sure I will add more over time. I am also very interested in hearing what people think.
Odly, I know people are visiting and reading through these pages and I do not get a lot of comments. I know I used to get a lot more back in time, like through the period when I lived in Boston to shortly after moving to Las Vegas. Maybe I will hear more in the future?
My mom reads these things… unless she gave up on it and ran away because there was too much depressing shit on here. Lord knows I have enough blog sites out there. No… I cannot tell you off handed how many there are. REDCarte.Com, Art23Design.Com, GotNurv.Com and this one are probably the most active of them.
Anyway, I took my sleeping pill a few minutes ago and am waiting for all the wheels in the head to get a guncked up and pass out. You might have noticed my tweet yesterday how FUCKED UP this year has started off with… but it is so wierd that as fucked up as it was that I am still okay.
My mom worries too much about me and I am sure at this point she thinks I am completely off my nut. I am in a good way. I am wanting to be happy in life doing something that makes it worth getting up for everyday… but it’s not been available to me.
My father always told me to keep my head down and nose to the grindston and blah blah blah. He spent his career in a job he hated, because it served a couple purposes. 1. He never had to care about what anyone else thought. 2. He was probably fucking everything he could find while driving his truck. 3. It put food on the table and let him save enough money to retire at 55. So, there is a wisdom in that (point 3 specifically) but he is a miserable, selfish man who … well, let’s just close that baggage before we go any further.
The point is I get his point on that point. Following that? Is it selling my soul to get a job I hate to get through the next day? Is it wrong of me to want to do amazing things with art and such? Food! Yes, making food! If I could I would have a restaurant!
This chick who own Forte Tapas here in Vegas loves art and food and she has her place, but she has to be a lot smarter than me. She has it.
Okay, don rambling tonight. I put the facelife on UrielsJournal and am putting a facelife on GayBurners.Com hopefully finishing tomorrow.
xo
The New Year
At the end of 2010 I made a promise to myself that I would not put any negative statements on Facebook. I see a few people posting out their personal dramas on there and I do not think people care. Even friends or psuedo-friends as it were.
I’ll say this… 2010 ended in fireworks and 2011 started in ashes and a foot full of dog poop.
In the evening of 12/31 my Chamsa broke off my neck; it is a charm that in the magical world is designed to protect one from evil/demons (one in particular but I wear it as general protection). So, I drove off to the party Friday night and and had an amazing night. BUT! When I was ready to leave after I could not move my car. Some part of the clutch went out so I have to leave it there.
The next day being a national holiday, I could not move it. But Monday I got it to the garage and that bill came to 400$.. every cent I had so now I am broke until next week.
On top of that, my phone is not working correctly and half the buttons will not do anything. Nothing happened to it as far as I know, but I see a separation between the face and the body. Ugh… so irritated.
I know all these things sound minor and little, especially in the face of other people and their bigger issues, but it feels like since the beginning of the year there has been one problem after another.
I’m just bitchin’ because I can I guess.
Along with this rant, I’ll note that Aldo and I broke up on Christmas Day and I was really bummed. He did not deserve me. He blew me off on Christmas and my birthday so those were the coffin nails as it were. He was such a cute, sweet guy and was actually into me but I will NOT be dissed!!!
Okay, more to come soon.
How do you like the new design?
Today to Tomorrow
I have been blessed on many levels and I need to count those blessings more often. I know my prayers are being heard, but even though there is a long delay in the results, I am still managing.
I am blessed that I can still maintain a home, put food on the table, and be healthy. I can see a doctor when I need to thanks to the V.A. and I am on a regimine to becoming what I hope is – a healthier individual.
I am blessed because people love me for me. I am blessed because I have friends who hug me when I see them. I am blessed because thee are people who love me. And someone says he loves me, too.
Why am I still stuck in this spot though… not moving forward?
Tell me why?
I have not been posting here very often, I think I am now apologizing amost weekly, but am sick by where I am in life and the direction it is all going into.
Today I put a posting on Twitter that… well, that gave me pause. I wondered how it was that every male I have looked up to in the past has managed to let me down. How every man I put on a pedistal ended up disapointing me.
Here, I thought most of my issues revolved around women. Here I am having worked my way down that road, with better relationships with women, to realize I have more issues to deal with.
It’s like a conveyor belt at a friggin airport.