There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. I am in a tough place when it comes to surviving day to day while trying to make something out of the activities that I do. I work on web sites and help friends with P.R. for their businesses and am not getting paid for any of it. I even offer my services for free or trade. It amazes me when I offer a friend free whatever and I am turned down.
Since I became a member of this Burner “thing” I feel like I fell into a community that I really needed both for my sanity and my social life. I can’t say how many times I felt down and out and being around these people – well it is impossible to not fee lifted in the end. By being actively involved and working to make things happen occasionally I felt like I was opting in and being supportive. By defending the principles of this thing in a recent battle with another leader in the community I was defending a philosophy I believed in.
Burning Man is this social experiment that took a life of it’s own over the last 26 years. It began in San Francisco by a handful of people and now is a congregation of 53,000 people in the middle of the Nevada Desert once a year. But, there are a lot of regional and local activities. It is impossible for me to define what it is, so check the web site for more information: www.burningman.com.
So, how is it that so very very often I feel like I do not have a friend in the world? I mean there are people I love and care about… if I consider you a friend (of a certain caliber) I would do ANYTHING you asked for. If you are a friend of another caliber I would be there and be supportive, in fact my door would always be open.
All too often I am alone at home sitting behind this computer losing myself in a web site design, a writing project, a proposal for an art project, theme camp, or something else superfluous to the real world. I am that guy who would be more comfortable sitting in an empty white room than a crowd of people in a club or a party.
I am the guy who goes to the big party and works the door where it is safe and never really joins the party because there is an expectation that I interact or have fun with people I know, but still have trouble connecting with people on some important levels. I just do not know how to connect and maintain that very long.
I am in a rabbit hole and I feel like Tweedledum and act like the Catepillar, wishing I was the Cheshire Cat, but turns into the Queen of Hearts.
This is not a sad song entry, nor should anyone (mom) take too much from this. I am dealing with a lot on my shoulders and letting a lot of people down in the meantime. When I participate in this Burning Man stuff I get to enjoy Wonderland for a little while and the Burning Man Event itself is a complete disconnect from all the weight of the world.
Empty. Defeated. Hallow. Broken. Shaken. Anxious. Me.
After I broke up with Aldo he told me he thinks my “expectations” are too high when it comes to dating and other people. He could never live up to my standard, but there was a bigger issue there which was our age. We had 20 years between us.
I just cannot connect. The people I want to call my friends do not respond back to me the way I want to treat and honor them. When I say I would do anything for you, for all intent and purpose, it is really true. Let’s not get freaky with that, but when I want to share a part of my life with my “friend” and you stonewall me I then realize that friendship is/may not be what I thought it was. It breaks my heart.
I think one of the reasons I have a hard time connecting and trusting people is that almost EVERY SINGLE PERSON I called a friend of the highest level has stabbed me in the back. My relationships have been a series of abject failures like roofing tiles on a house of cards.
I am that guy in a crowded room that feels like an empty desert.
In an entry like this I can only let out so much and as the page grows long and longer I feel like it is better to wrap up the sad tale early. The things I am going through right now are not things I want to share. Here are some bullets of the things I would talk about but can’t:
- the fact that I miss a lot of people in my life who have moved on in one form or another
- that the 2 true loves of my life are all I will ever experience again; one died 15 years ago and one lives 4 miles away and hates me
- that I really go on my knees every night and thank God for the day and pray for EVERY member of my family and the people in my life having a hard time
- that Tom the Dawg is getting older and I can’t take care of him like he needs to be and he is all I have
- that I worry about my mom and my failures when it comes to taking care of her and returning her investment on me
- that I am literally terrified I am loosing my damn mind because I am just so overwhelmed with anxiety almost every day
So – this is not a pity statement. But this is what is in my head every day. I mask it. I pretend these demons are not there. I deal with it all in my own way. I just get through every day.