Category Archives: Feeling it

When I win the Lottery

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So what is hope? What is salvation? What is happiness? I can;t say I have known any of these things in such a very long time. There has been about a dozen times when someone read my palm, read my tarot cards or something and said I was going to have a great windfall in the not so distant future…
So there you go; I already won the lottery tonight and all you bitches should just go home home and fuck-off. I bought 5 tickets today and my mom bought 5 too. You can’t win if you don’t play… and I have leverage BECAUSE the universe said so!
I am visualizing it now.. I have the Secret… I see how it will all go down:

  • All MY Bills & Debts Paid | Mom’s Mortgage | Dad’s Mortgage (yes, him too) | Hire a lawyer and an Accountant… not all necessarily in that order. I guess this is how I see the priorities.
  • Review my finances and my ‘BIG PICTURE’ and then move on to the list of things…
  • I see college funds for nephews, nieces and (choke) grand nephews and nieces…
  • I see a car and a house in my future…
  • I see a short vacation…
  • I see me buying a restaurant somewhere and setting up shop until I drop fucking dead….

I would totally keep Chantha with me – I believe. He’s been an amazing boyfriend and I am glad he is in my life.
I would have to do something to make the world a better place somehow… homelessness is always something that really bugged the shit out of me. Can’t do anything for the fuck-holes that won’t help themselves or will spend the rest of their lives living off someone else.
I would have to make someone’s life better; or several someones. What can I do to make your road ahead a better chance of you being a success and be able to to the same for someone else??? NOT by handing you a wad of money… fuck that.
This is my promise… this is exactly what I always expected to do with my sudden wealth… I would make my life better and people that matter as well! Yes, I see it now… I got the secret.
 

A New World

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I have a ton of shit to do. Writing in my blogs is something I do not have time to do… but this makes two today. I just posted over in gay-burners.com as well tonight.
Bottom line… I cannot afford to live where I am living but I am gunna have to make it happen. The pluses outweigh the minuses and can lead to something very powerful I hope. Self empowering really.
Being on my own and away from certain people is a relief. Mark was just too much to deal with and this whole bi-polar thing was more than any human should have to deal with. Get medicated, bitch! Oh wait, he was and it was not enough. He was just mean.
Now, people are looking at me more often. I mean not only like I am attractive, but also making eye contact???
Well, this always happens when I am dating someone too. Maybe I look a lot less desperate or something??? I am told I look a little too eager at times. I dunno…no one was ever really good enough anyway.
I like it here. I feel good here. This is where I need to be right now. I was wondering about that when I was out of town last week.

What just happen????

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This is actually part 2 of a story… or shall I say the non-readers digest version. I posted a very clean version of this tale on www.gayburners.com choosing to leave off many of the details because it was just too bizarre.

Castro Street Fair

Distinguished Gay Men LogoIt all started at the Castro Street Fair when I was approached by two nice guys because I was a single guy. The told me about matchmaker wonder Susan Adams of www.distinguishedgaymen.com and how I absolutely had to meet her. Indeed, she was as charming and engaging as they described. So, after taking my name and number they said they would be in touch.
Cafe Flore at Noe and Market in SFOIt took a while, but Susan arrived in San Francisco again and was meeting with potential clients. We arranged a meeting at Cafe Flore right on the corner of Noe and Market here in the city. Something about Cafe Flore: It is in the gayest of areas in the city and is owned apparently by Burning Man people! If that is not cool enough, there is a MAN effigy on the roof of the place!

First and Only Meeting

We met and talked about a lot of things, because she was looking to be a match maker and find someone for me, or maybe me for someone?
I tried laying it all out on the table and explain why dating has been such a bitch since Adolfo and I broke up and went in separate directions. I was honest that I felt he was my last soul-mate. I described how dissatisfied I was with meeting guys because they never mentioned they were in relationships already until I thought we were starting to make a connection.
When the subject got into my Burning Man activities things started getting very slipery.

“She told me she was planning on going to Burning Man next year in our discussion over coffee. We were meeting in a local cafe called “Cafe Flore” that has a Burning Man    Man on the roof and is owned by Burners. We were meeting because she was going to provide me a service and was interviewing me for this service… but she kept going back to ‘why‘ is Burning Man in your life beyond some festival that happens 7 days a year?

“When I tried explaining that the 10 Principles include things like radical self reliance, radical self expression, community involvement, etc… I explained these were things that were are not the 10 Commandments.  But she countered:

‘Why wouldn’t a normal person just do the right thing? Why is Burning Man in your life beyond some festival that happens 7 days a year?’

“Not everyone just does the right things and we are looking this as guidelines for a community. It’s a culture. It’s an ideal.

Part of Burning Man for me is the nearly unquestionable inclusion and acceptance in the local and major events. Those 10 Principles referred to here and there in the original story are guidelines people opting into the culture generally adapt and apply in daily life.
I also talked about the Radical Faeries and how I am enjoying my engagement with them?

“What is it about these people you find attractive?” she asked [paraphrased]

“From what I have seen the Radical Faeries are about gay people being as expressive and as real as they want without being burdened by the condemning eye of people who cannot understand… I love the ability to just put it out there.”

Keep in mind she started off telling me how much she wanted to go to Burning Man. If you know me I am the cheerleader on crack kool-aide drinkin’ cartwheelin’ Burning Man believer… all hale Larry!

“In the course of our conversation and how she kept referring to it being just a 7 day event that begins and ends and then, as she said, ‘people return to their normal lives’ I gave her a suggestion. I said, in the nicest way possible, cushioning it and told her: Maybe Burning Man is really not for you.”

Conclusion
There is no way I could afford paying her for this service. Maybe at this point she caught up with the calculation and she decided she could not invest in what I was bringing to the table. Or… perhaps my suggestion that she pass on Burning Man was insulting?
It was this bi-polar moment when we were having an engaging conversation, she was showing me pictures of her in the 80’s as a match-maker, and asking all kinds of personal questions. I answered them all but we stalled cold.
Susan shut down faster then a vampire at sunrise and closed the folder, shook my hand wishing me good luck, and stomped away. I saw literally sitting there for at least 5 minutes trying to figure out what just happen.

WHAT JUST HAPPEN????

I sat there dazed and Susan walked through the restaurant and came out the other side then walked right past me in a daze? I have to wonder if she had a stroke or something happen to cause such a bizarre shift in mood. Needless to say I will not be a part of www.distinguishedgaymen.com and my application is: DENIED!

Memories Love Lost

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Today I had some thoughts left over from yesterday. Well, after a restless night last night I woke up feeling kinda crappy. Once in a while I have dreams through the night that only set me up full of anxiety when I rise and this was one of those days.
A dream I had … what I remember of it … I made dinner for people that included what I recall was a pot roast with brown gravy and root vegetables. I added bourbon to the gravy and it made this woman (who looked like Fifine Brightman) and the other guests so excited. For some reason I remember all the guests being black people.
I digress here as last night I was working on my Sun Guardians site and noticed this guy Joel Wang was someone I thought was so sweet and wonderful. I never met him except through Facebook; but one night at a Comfort and Joy party called Afterglow I finally got to meet him. Well, every day on Facebook I see us tethered in some way through a mutual connection or even a Poke I never got rid of. He died, for me which was suddenly, not very long ago. Maybe it’s been a month maybe more.
Last night I just passed through his profile looking at pictures and remembering the wonderful things he said to me over the last…. I don’t know how long.
Furthermore, it got me thinking about how many people I have lost so far in life. Almost all due to HIV/AIDS and this includes 2 people I was very much in love with. Ron Herrera was my BF in 1992ish and we were together a while but I broke it off for stupid reasons… then he met this guy named Peter and next thing I knew they were both dead.
As for the second person, he is still alive, but I lost him long before the diagnosis. When his mom died he turned to stone a bit and my flakiness did not help the situation much. Yeah I was a douche. I openly admit it.
Yet the list goes on and on. Almost every friend  of mine who became HIV+ became this mean, self-involved, self-loathing, angry person and basically shoved people away who wanted to care and be supportive – loving – and helpful. This includes the douche I live with… talk about universal payback.
I sat downstairs this morning and all I could do was cry at what I appreciated from Joel. I felt overwhelming grief for those two men whom I loved unlike any other and probably like anyone in the future. These were all funerals I never got to attend. I get to grieve only in my heart.
In loving memory:

  • Ron Herrera
  • Irwin Bajadas
  • Scott Foster
  • Taylor
  • Eloy
  • Joel Wang

Just the names I think about a lot… for some they passed so long ago. It never feels good.

back from where…

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I have not written anything here since coming back from Burning Man probably because I really have not completely landed. When I try putting the puzzle pieces together I am finding they did not really fit.
When I sit here looking at the screen determined to write something there are too many things trying to get out at the same time. I will, for your information, be writing more on my burner blog talking about my actual experience out there but these pages are for me. My burner blog is on this site too here.
Anyway, this may sound cliche, but I am back and changed down to my soul. There is this vein of anger I am missing and left somewhere and the way the universe works I pity the soul that may have taken that energy into him, her or other. Not trippin’ either. When you read the burner blog maybe you will understand… if you do.
I did come back determined to put a foundation under my feet. There was an unexpected upheaval in that plan when my wallet was left in Reno. It basically forced me to put life on pause a moment longer and make some evaluations. In that I updated my portfolio site called StudioSK. I don’t want that any more… I am sick of technology and am burnt out on it.
The burning desire to be creative and put my art out there kinda got a kick in the groin too. My art piece Final Passage was a ship wreck. All the work and all the energy I put into the piece itself was a total failure. I did take away the journey as the win in this case, because the people I was able to work around and I hope I learned something. In fact an idea for my next art piece can be very exciting.
One big issue is the problems I have had with my birth father. This is a demon that haunted me a long time and 2 years of therapy only took me so far. The anger that was inside of me and the pain of struggling with the life of being with him in my formative years was more damaging than I ever imagined.
Without sounding crazy, which some people think I am anyway, a woman named Gigi and a man named Coop helped me strip something out of me that left me softer. It left me more fluid. It took away a lot of anger.
No. My sails are unfurled and I feel like I am in the sea. I root out the people who cause pain and I refuse to acknowledge their attempt to pull me down. I look into your projection of pain and your false empathy and let it roll right past me. I am like the wind and you are the trees and I will become water and you will be the rocks.
I am rediscovering my spirit and I will not let you take that away from me. Let me tell you your spirit is important too. When you try to steal mine you are losing a bit of yours.

Hippieville

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Well, I have arrived in San Francisco and settled in. It was a slightly bouncy landing and more expensive than I expected. I was not very happy about the expenses… $135. for a tank of gas and that bitch needed to be filled 3x. I had to borrow the money which I did not have.

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So, I took some pictures of the trip in and some of the property where I am living. It is a decommissioned Nave Base and it still looks like a base. I love it… I miss those days. There is a lot of hood-rats running around here but the place is clean and nice.
Did I mention I live in the middle of the bay on an island. Yes, it is called Treasure Island and it sit between Oakland and San Francisco connected by the Bay Bridge.
View Larger Map
Personally Speaking
Coming here and seeing Mark again was nice. I have not seen him in more than a year. It’s been good seeing him again and getting aquainted, but he is a party animal and I cannot keep up with that boy. We met up Friday and Sunday and went out and decided I was done for a little while anyway.

The household itself is a strange mix and we all have some interesting things in common. Some things I just can’t put into writing on this site, but at the same time I hate editing myself. This just proves to certain assholes out there that I do have an edit button.

Friends

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After my last posting I got calls from my mom and sis-Christine trying to find out if I was ready to drive off a bridge somewhere. I love their concern, but no one should take anything I write too seriously. I think I mentioned that a few times before.
In the last blog I just felt like there were some things I would have to say to some of the more stable people in my life or were in my life. My ex’s, dead or alive, will never understand the emotional investment I really had in them. It’s the same with some of my friends which is making this move to San Francisco troubling on some level.

  • Gene aka Bam Bam called me today because he only just heard I was moving. He’s such an amazing guy and the woman he is with is also an amazing woman.
  • John was my best friend for almost 4 years but turned into a douche bag not only to me but to everyone we knew. Not sure what happen there, maybe he is writing his own chapter.
  • Freddy is my newest shining light and I just really met him. He and his boyfriend have become good friends and I worry a little about Freddy.

There are so many people I met here and really loved a lot. It is probably more than anywhere I lived before, but I sincerely have to relate that to the Burning Man community connections I made here.
When I left L.A. / Long Beach I left some people behind on that level, too. We stay in touch, but nothing like when it was more geographically preferred. But the thing is, that people like Kaidy, Jeff and Ed are still in my heart though we either don’t talk or barely.
So, there is one thing missing from most people I would call a friend and that is I don’t think most would help me in a pinch. It seems like most “friends” have a universe that ends 2″ past the end of their noses. NOT ALL are like that, but I seem to invite people in my life that are pretty self involved.
Now, I am certainly to blame. I am selfish myself. I want my own time to write and make things and just chill. I am not high maintenance, but at the same time I want a companion pretty bad. Maybe just a friend, better if it were more.
I have been going through a lot of changes in the last couple years and will bring a new outlook to San Francisco.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

-the above was posted on Facebook today by a wise man

In My Head

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I am feeling very reflective lately and without any doubt it is all about the coming changes coming into my life. I made the leap from the plane to say ‘I am moving to San Francisco’.  I made a choice for change and I am falling out of through the sky headed for earth with my fists clenched and teeth gritting together….
At some point the parachute is going to open… right? At some point fate and life is going to shift speeds and I am going to land and be able to walk on a new path and start making a new life.
I have to be able to to walk and keep walking because I am at middle age. I have to look to the future and say – ‘hey, you have no retirement and no pillow if the world falls out from under you’. There is no one who is looking out for me or can rescue me will have my back.
When I think about those people I CHOSE to have in my life I have chosen to be involved with people who would never help me. That is until I met many of the Burners I have met. In the default world one of two things have happened:

  1. People in the world I have called friends (the kind of friend you think always had your back) have about 90% of the time stabbed me in the back and tried to destroy me…
  2. Or ask for help and see their hand jut out looking for something in return…

More people and family have failed me than I can really stomach.
I have failed a lot of people in life myself and at some point realized it. The problem with having an epiphany like that is that there is no going back. There is no building that bridge again because it means trust has been destroyed.

I do think I am different in this area though and in rare cases hold real grudges. I can think of some people who I felt really betrayed by and if they sat down with me and had a good conversation I would open up to them really quickly.

That’s neither a fault or a blessing, as it were, neither being conducive to ruminating on the past or carrying that baggage any further into the future.
The one relationship I will never be able to recover that I regretted fucking up more than any other is the one with my sister. Her and I have not got along well our entire lives. There is a ton of baggage on that and inside me from it. This does not include my step-siblings whom I feel close to.
If I died tonight I would ask this site be kept alive as long as possible and people get to know me. I do want my story told, but somehow I would think I would have to be the one who wrote it. There are some features in that story that would make a lot of jaws drop open and… most guarantee that the people who think I am nuts… would be sure I was nuts.
Me, Jack and Uncle ChuckI have a lits of people I would apologize to and ask for forgiveness to:

  • Mom: I wish I was a better son and I wish I never went to you to borrow money and failed to pay you back. You probably should have told me “no”, but I know you love and cared for me more than anyone. I know you did more for me as a kid and as an adult than anyone.
  • Bob: You were at times more of a dad to me than my own father because you were open with me, you set boundaries, and you proved you can be vulnerable. I see the relationship with your biological children and see it very different than they. I feel lucky to see you as I have. I respect what they perceive.
  • Lynn: There are no words to tell you that from the beginning that I would imagine what future we had and did not have. I was a horrible brother and I got so caught up in the wrong things. I still get lost in them, but finally I am seeing that I have made a lot of stupid and selfish choices.
  • Jack: I want nothing to be like you. If I open my mouth and hear your voice come out I actually shake. We were father and son for most of the first decade of my life, but when you decided to make our lives an accessory to yours you found out you could detach and divorce what anyone else cared about. You have no idea how many mean and evil things you said to me since in I was a little kid. You have no idea how much you screwed me. You think when I divorced you that it was about money but it was an epiphany that I was not the fat, stupid, worthless, not worthy of your name kid you abused the shit out of in his teens. And the shadow you kept casting over me in adulthood had to be turned off.
  • Christine, Jennifer and Sean: It was good growing up with you. You are like my own blood, but Jennifer these days I barely know you.
  • Rob, Mona and Tracey: I like you very much and I wish we had more connections.
  • Ron: My first true love and soul mate – I still think of you and regret that I lost you. When you died I was left with a big weight on my heart that never went away.
  • Adolfo: The last man I can imagine ever loving as much as I did and a soul mate that gave me this awkward balance I wanted to keep so badly. Then it all went horribly wrong and it was my fault. Then we tried something for a moment and it broke like a crystal ornament falling to the ground. I wish you peace and love in your heart.

I suppose I would think of more one day. But these are the people that dominate my mind and my therapy. The biggest demon of that time has been the issues I had with my father and that is a mountain unto itself.
I regret that my heart has been seemingly made of green grass and I have been out and out cruel to so many people around me. I am sorry I have been so impatient to so many. It bothers me I can look into someone’s eyes and see an empty void. It is hard to see through people who are so disingenuous and actually lie so easily.
There has been a lot said here tonight and a lot laid out that no one will care about and no one will appreciate for the right reasons.
If this was a suicide note I might have expanded a little more, but suicide is something I could never do. I have wished for death and prayed for a swift end… even often wishing I would never wake up in the end. In some ironic metaphysical bitch-slap our dear God has managed to keep me healthy and strong as a cosmic ‘kiss my ass‘.