There are days when one sees life twisted a little. Today was a really good day. I got permission from Adolfo to go to a pool party at the Blue Moon Resort and was able to relax and chill out. There were a lot of other fags in this clothing optional, men only resort with video room and sauna.

ha ha ha

The population was largely men in their late thrties and fourties, a second population of twinks, and some much older guys. There was a lot of ‘lookie me’ attitude from the twinks and klingon creepiness from SOME of the older guys. One fat slob tried staring me down and since I’m the toughest bitch in the flock he got no where.

Anyway, there was some fucking and sucking but in the end I sat by myself under the waterfal just looking at some of the people and thought about how different everyone is. I hate that. but, I have to learn to deal with it.

It was a good day for Adolfo and I to spend apart. We still do not know how the rest of the week is going to spin out… so we take this vacation one day at a time.

xo All!

I managed to put some bad mojo in the universe recently and have been suffering the last couple of days… usually by my own frustrations and issues. Today I blew my lid a couple of times and got so pissed off that I was literally shaking afterward. It’s all so fucking stupid.

When I get mad I get mad like a firecracker with a short short fuse. It’s lit, is does not burn but an instant, then bang. It’s ONE of the worst parts of my personality.

Anyway, yesterday was shit and today was shit. These are two days with a little amount of sleep, few activities of any importance, and then various frustrations that really challenge the soul. I was actually standing next to this womans car yelling at her at one point. She was so fucking stupid and I was venting like a guiser. The bitch almost sideswiped me because she was changing lanes without a signal and a cell phone on her (god damn!) ear. Turned out she had a kid in the car who was not even strapped into his seat properly… all I could do was walk back to my truck and drive off. UGH!

Yesterday I got mad because my on-line porn from www.aebn.com was not downloading properly. This site has all kinds of shit… some of it freaky… which I just had to watch and marvel at. WIERD SHIT… man!

I also have been spending a lot of time on the MySpace “Gay Men Only” BB where I have been meeting some of the most most amazing guys.

My previous rant was possily an extension of that because there is this guy named Lior on there that is phenomenol looking and just as charming… but he is 21.

My relationship with Adolfo seems to always be teetering on the edge of despair from my perspective. He has his life and I see where we have really grown together and then drifted in slightly different roads. In fact, he seems to really be blossuming here while my world seems stunted.

As much as I try and figure out how to get going in life again, I feel walls around me.
I am thinking about going back to school, but I am spiraling about the direction I need to be going in to. How in the hell do I assure my future when I do not even know where I am going?

I have never had a mentor, a guiding hand, a person who took an interest in my future and now it is too late. I am the only person responsible for me and frankly, that guy is a bit of a fruit loop.

So, you can see some of my dilemma.

One thing someone said recently is: “You see the world the same way you see yourself.” Which has been profound and thought provolking to me all day today. I can’t think of who said it to me in the last few days, which reminded me there is no one you meet in life you weren’t meant to meet and learn a little something from.

Hmmm… xo

I got an awesome e-mail today from someone who said they read my journal (Diary) often and I felt so good about it. I am right now going on 21 hours since I last slept and need to be ready to return to work tomorrow night. I might be a little delusional about now. Watched too much porn I think????

Vacation plans coming up soon. A wants to go to Palm Springs or San Diego while I want to go to New York or Orlando. BUT, someone farted around too long getting their vacation days approved (not I) so it is basically too late to buy plane tickets anywhere and I am too broke to think about it too much too.

It looks like it will be the end of the month when that happens.

OMG I can barely keep my eyeballs open. XO all, I think I met my end. Going to bed.

Things have been good with Adolfo and I. Let’s see how long this lasts. We’ve done this before wherein I was ready to bail on the relationship because of his shitty attitude and my self esteeem issues and then like a rubber band everything prings back in the opposite direction.

Somebody called me moody last night while I was at dinner with a group of people and I about passed out. Adolfo was sitting next to me with a huge HUGE shit-eating grin on his mug and we both started laughing. HE KNOWS THAT HE is the moody monster in this house! He knows he is SYBIL! SYBIL! SYBULL! eh, but I love him.

We’re planning on some vacation days soon but BUT I am frustrated because I have not bought tickets to anywhere yet. I wanted us to go to the North East… I’m not certain that will happen. Time is getting short.

I’ve been busy with some other projects and have not put much energy into my personal web site in a while. All the things about me and my creations seem to mean nothing to anyone anymore. I put effort into all this and it seems like nobody cares about my schtuff.

I’m tired and rambling right now so forgive me. xo

Last night we had a few guests over to help us celebrate our 5 years together. Which included the year we spent together in the early ninties. I think it all comes together.

So, I did not get much sleep yesterday. I passed out after breakfast on the couch and probably could have slept through a fire alarm. So, some smart ass aparently took a picture of me.

I was out pretty good, because Adolfo did a lot stuff and ran the dishwasher and nothing moved me for a few hours. I need more sleep before work tonight!

If you saw the pics on the cover then you saw we had a nice taco bar and nibbles. The cake was amazing! I buy it from Freeds Bakery and although it was not exactly what I wanted it was fab! 2/3 of it is still in the fridge!

I was really disapointed so many people were not able to come. Yes, it was a last minute thing, but fucking people can’t do anything last minute in this town. The only people to show up was the 1 other couple you see in the pic. We’ve known them forever though.

We exchanged some gifts. I boughht him one of the new iPods with video. He got me the Superman watch and a watch case we were looking at a couple days ago. Secretly, I was hoping he would buy me this white leather jacket I found.

Oh well… I worked hard. Spent 200$ on food… then ended up wrapping most of it up. Dammit.. but we watched ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ and it was really good!

I have to say this is probably surprising after the last diary entry… but since then we have been rebuilding things a little. With him I get very very very frustrated and at some point we finally clear the air. Wierd how he takes me right to the edge and then SNAP were back to goodie goodie.

I was seriously ready to put his shit in the 2nd bedroom and call it quits! Let’s see how long this lasts. And, I think I finally got him a good gift. Finally!

it may not be worth bitching too much about. as usual i am pissed off at adolfo and i am about at the end of my rope with him. i find myself completely tired of his negative attitude toward anything. seriously, a week before our 5 year anniversary… i am ready to call it quits. i am just so completely finished… my heart broke a while back and my feelings have been stretched.

i love him, but i am not ‘in-love’ anymore. it’s hard to accept that idea, but someone asked me that today and i am being forced to think about it or real… my parents will never understand why i feel this way. i know my mom thinks i’m nuts anyway.

i’m just tired of it

I talked to Gary this moening and he asked if I was okay having read my previous blog. I’m usually okay, to be honest, but Adolfo goes up my nose. I am not sure where we are in our relationship, there are a lot of factors, but I have long been bothered that he does not do all the things in life I think he should. He has to take some personal responsibilities; get a car etc… I feel like his taxi driver often.

I’m not sure who is stil reading the diary, but I am have a lot of fun with my mySpace thingy still. I’ll be posting whole new galleries this week so look ofrward to those.

No other news to report. I am a boring bitch. Still waiting to hear from Terry on his visit to LV next month. xo

Life is so up and down… today I am feeling relly down. I get upset about the stupidest things and I let some things effect me to the point of physical and emotions fatigue. These are times when I sart questioning my relationship and my place in the world. I am so over Las Vegas, but I am a slave to the $$ I am making here.

I know I can move on to the world outside LV and make a living and a life. Just, how to get to that point, ya know?

Mom was here again this weekend and between her and Bob it was a panfully bad visit. This is the second visit that went to hell. Last time they were here in mid Feb was to pick up their chairs that they ordered from RC Willey … well they were not in and the whole time they were here they had miserable luck and generally bad expereinces…

This time Bob hit another car while driving with mom and Adolfo in it. They FINALLY got these expensive chairs from RC Willey (who was completely unapologetic) and then on the way home tonight one of the chairs fell out of the car into the freeway and was destroyed. A friggin 700 dollar frickin chair!

I told mom on the phone that she had to laugh or cry and at some point she had to laugh about it. They got home LONG time after they left. Same thing happened last time. They drive a truck that eats gas and that just sucks. She sounded so forlorn when I talked to them in Barstow on the phone.

I finally called her again and 11pm and it was just as they got home. Oh my goodness…

On another note… Adolfo is the moodiest man I have ever known. He is really pissing me off sometimes. I turns me off x10000 when gets bitchey which is 75% of the time. ARGH!!! I got an attitude this morning that still bugs me, he told me he wanted a ride to work. I laughed and dismissed that idea… want a ride to work… GET A FUCKING LISCENCE AND A GOD DAMN CAR YOU PAIN IN THE ASS! You make more money than me, bitch!!!! Fucking A! Get a god damn grip on reality! Oh, can you tell how shit fucking sick I am of this shit!

Have a nice day! xo

I workout pretty regularly at the LVAC on Eastern and 215, thought I used to go to the Karen and Maryland gym. I get good workouts in but if anyone knows me I am always at a serious battle with my weight. I’m a friggin’ chef as well as my job… ya know so food occasionally is a problem.

Anyway!!!! The gym at 215 and Eastern is slowly becoming a friggin’ retirement center for old sagging men in their 80’s walking around naked and … what happen? This gym typically has a lot of the hottest guys you have ever seen? But they are slowly being replaced by chicken skin and shrunken weeners….

LVAC on Karen was so cruisy but the attitude queens started taking over and lately it seems like it is being taken over by some serious wierdos and indigent people!

Could be my funky hours but this gym is driving me a little nuts.

Anyway, I am just venting…

… btw I am looking for a good tanning center. Any recommendations?