I managed to put some bad mojo in the universe recently and have been suffering the last couple of days… usually by my own frustrations and issues. Today I blew my lid a couple of times and got so pissed off that I was literally shaking afterward. It’s all so fucking stupid.
When I get mad I get mad like a firecracker with a short short fuse. It’s lit, is does not burn but an instant, then bang. It’s ONE of the worst parts of my personality.
Anyway, yesterday was shit and today was shit. These are two days with a little amount of sleep, few activities of any importance, and then various frustrations that really challenge the soul. I was actually standing next to this womans car yelling at her at one point. She was so fucking stupid and I was venting like a guiser. The bitch almost sideswiped me because she was changing lanes without a signal and a cell phone on her (god damn!) ear. Turned out she had a kid in the car who was not even strapped into his seat properly… all I could do was walk back to my truck and drive off. UGH!
Yesterday I got mad because my on-line porn from www.aebn.com was not downloading properly. This site has all kinds of shit… some of it freaky… which I just had to watch and marvel at. WIERD SHIT… man!
I also have been spending a lot of time on the MySpace “Gay Men Only” BB where I have been meeting some of the most most amazing guys.
My previous rant was possily an extension of that because there is this guy named Lior on there that is phenomenol looking and just as charming… but he is 21.
My relationship with Adolfo seems to always be teetering on the edge of despair from my perspective. He has his life and I see where we have really grown together and then drifted in slightly different roads. In fact, he seems to really be blossuming here while my world seems stunted.
As much as I try and figure out how to get going in life again, I feel walls around me.
I am thinking about going back to school, but I am spiraling about the direction I need to be going in to. How in the hell do I assure my future when I do not even know where I am going?
I have never had a mentor, a guiding hand, a person who took an interest in my future and now it is too late. I am the only person responsible for me and frankly, that guy is a bit of a fruit loop.
So, you can see some of my dilemma.
One thing someone said recently is: “You see the world the same way you see yourself.” Which has been profound and thought provolking to me all day today. I can’t think of who said it to me in the last few days, which reminded me there is no one you meet in life you weren’t meant to meet and learn a little something from.