So, I started dating someone in the beginning of January. As a matter of fact, I met him officially on my birthday. I was lucky to meet someone not steeped in green (jaded) that seems to permeate Las Vegas.

He came with a lot of issues NOT the least of which is unemployment and a problem with the English language. He comes from Guatemala and came here for reasons I have yet to understand. Our dating has been a struggle and with all these issues over both our heads I finally had to tell him I am not in a space for dating right now.

Makes sense I think. Besides, my heart is not really open for relationships right now. I need friends – real friends – more than anything.

Well, of course the universe was not done with me and he. The meat-heads he was living with tossed him out and he had no place to go, so guess where he has been staying the last couple weeks. For the most part, it’s been hard. His contributions to the household have been cursory at best. More so weighing on my own energy and need to feel motivated.

He is leaving on Monday. He is going to Long Beach with other friends from his homeland.

Although he is a sweet guy, I find myself frustrated with issues that I have very little patience for. Not listening, doing half the work, not paying attention to details. When I get frustrated the reasons are like talking to a stone.

I need more patience. I need more faith in people. Seriously, please pray for me.

Hi all.. as usual I am apologizing for not writing much recently. Seems that my outlets have been better served on Facebook or Twitter. Small blocks of text should make the world a lot happier.

My general dissatisfaction with life and disappointment in people has been snowballing more and more. Hating being unemployed. Hating being broke at every turn. Sinking slowly financially with no where to turn. Still not drowning.

Trying to clear out baggage of life. Trying to clear out energy vampires and stone walls surrounding me. Feeling that my feet are 6″ deep in cement.

On the other hand, tried managing groups of people recently and have seen every circumstance fall to pieces. Trying to get Vegas people together is a challenge. It has even been a challenge with my Burner peeps. Ambivalence is the word of the day in this town. Maybe other people are feeling stuck in the sand like me, too?

Okay, so vented a bit and let off a few things in my tiny brain. I vent… I vomit stuff into this blog… nothing should be taken too seriously.

It’s coming. Yes, the Burnal Equinox has passed and eyes are looking forward to August 30th when the pearly gates open. Yes, Black Rock City calls us home.

Today I completed the first phase of my art application for the sculpture I want to bring to the playa. Some interactivity with it. I am excited on a whole new level.

Now I ask myself …am I ready. I now have a sewing machine and will be starting sewing lessons with Malicious in a couple weeks. It is coming…

I am so excited.

I just read through my site a little and made a few minor changes, but what I am taken by is how crappy I phrase a lot of things. I need an editor!!! ha ha ha

Ugh, time for me to go home.

Hugs

I want to have a positive outlook, but it is so hard. I see my weight sky rocketing and I see myself as becoming less and less significant in the world. My skills and my outlook in this industry are just not enough – especially as quickly as it is evolving.

Problems at the office last week make me feel like abandining it. I talked to a former instructor of mine recently, telling him I am starting to hate web design. When he told me almost every day he hates it, but still maintains his passion, I figure there has got to be hope in some dimension.

While about my weight… I so want to get to a certain point and I cannopt get my head into that space to start losing it. I have the knowledge. I have the feelings. I cannot muster the means.

This weekend was a good break. But did I pay to get there. Paid emotionally and with stress because of an opressive authority in this area who really knocked me down. It’s so frustrating.

Long story… I will post it into the Burning Man blog later tonight with some pictures, because I launched Winterfest for the Burners this weekend and it went heavenly.

ttyl

How do you spend a weekend working on something, building something, and then find yourself sitting along on a Monday realizing nothing feels right. How does the world turn on it’s ear so quickly?

I have not been posting much here because a lot of the things I need to talk about are things I can’t put into the public domain, as far as my mind is concerned, just have some discretion. Yet, that is not really what this kind of thing is all about.

I feel so completely insecure about where I am in the world that there are moments it is overwhelming. I take meds for anxiety and other stuff for stress and more and I can’t help but think that are they worth it. I stopped for a short while on one of them and found myself struggling a lot.

Reflecting on it altogether, I find myself struggling on them as well. Just before work I sat down on my couch and realized the world felt like the walls were very close and getting closer. That complete and absolute failure loomed over my head. That no matter how much I want some things in life I am not worthy of any of it.

This is what is on my mind.

There are times when I feel like I am living life in a vacuum. It’s more than 2 steps forward and 3 steps back… it is a suction from behind. Today I feel like that.

So here I am on New Years and boy what an great night it was… took a couple days to receover. It was also great seeing ALL the people I got to see. I must have had hundreds of kisses and hugs through the night. Yey for me.

But last week was also my birthday, as mentioned before. Most pics are on my facebook. The link for that is on the contact page.

Tif took pictures. Thank goodness, because I would forget my head if it were not attached. As you can see, turn-out for the birthday was most amazing. So leaving 2009 behind was an absolute pleasure. Screw you 2009… howdy 2010…

I am officially middle aged as of this moment in time. It’s come like a bus and whacko! ha ha ha… whacko being the operative word. I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of reflecting over the last year-plus and now come to see some things better than before. I think a conversation I had last night made some difference.

With all the bitching and kvetching over freinds this year I am ending it realizing I have more than I thought. Maybe not the kind I can count on for anything but there are some very valuable people around me. I find myself quick to weed out the undesirable ones too.

Odly, too, life in Vegas has been very tolerable and seems to be getting better though I still of dreaming of living somewhere else. BUT the summer time by the pool here is amazing and winter is not all that bad; good enough to be fashionable. Which means I can dress in layers and feel like I am making some kind of fashion attempt. yey me.

So I am planning my next year since September when it officially began. For financial goals, weight goals, achievement goals, and some life goals. 2009 was a year of painful transition… lets see if this caterpillar can turn back into a butterfly.

So I have had a lot of ups and down emotionally lately and I am attributing it to the season. The holidays are tough on a person whether they actively know it or passively are not paying attention. None the less, I am dealing with it a day at a time and trying not to fall into any holes. I have a trigger happy doctor who loves writing prescriptions, not that I complain, but I am being careful about which way the rutter is pointing as I float down this stream.

Another Christmas and Holiday season alone. A birthday I will not be acknowledging. A mid life crisis still in the white-water of. This is how my 2009 is ending. 50+ pounds over weight and the prospects of an amazing year to come. It’s gets me up in the morning.

I’ve been looking for my anchor – suppose it just has to be me. No bf’s – no groups of people… the Burners have been a great pillow for the last year – soft, cozy and welcoming – but I still have to learn to walk on my own. Still not used to it.