24 Hours later

Venting should be therapeutic. Catharsis should be lifting? Idk, but after yesterday’s post I hoped to take some of the weight off my shoulders and find  little more freedom of the weight that has been in my heart. I have no idea if I achieved any of that, but a lot of shit went down.
wp_20141005_00624 hours later my bf and I had a huge fight after I wrote that about some MORE seriously… seriously stupid stuff. I wanted out of the relationship again, and didn’t. He is the one usually holding us together and it was as if he was letting us unravel. But it was really me.
I went to work as usual today and it was… meh. A long day. A meaningless day, but a day where I wonder what the fuck I am doing with my life. This job is a year of karma points. That’s all. But my boss said some nice things, not what I expected, and I wondered again if it was all worth it.
Turns out we are supposed to go to Pismo Beach for a wedding for one of his friends. I am going… just to get out of town. So yeah.

An Exhausting Weekend

wp_20141005_006It was one of those weekends. It was one of those weekends when you are called to be the +1 with your partner and all his college friends who were getting together for a birthday. It was the time to witness drunken tomfoolery and gross gluttony and just general hetero weirdness. But there were also some very nice moments.

BF has issues

I was so uncomfortable being injected into this crowd at first. I was with a bunch of strangers sharing a house for 3 days and 2 nights and then there was my BF crawling up my ass insisting I get comfortable. It took a little while, but frankly once he blacked out from drinking I had a great time.

Gluttony Shell Fist Style

wp_20141006_003We went to have oysters at an oyster farm and ate them hand over fist. OMG they were so fantastic. We had them hot and fresh and with a lot of beer and while and various Asian liqueurs. More went back to the house, as well as a giant bag of clams, lumpia like mad and so much…. and then when we got back we met in Oakland and had Korean BBQ and left so full we were in pain.
It is time for a diet. It is time for a sensible direction and change back to decent food that is not going to kill me… oh my hell.

Dogs: Past and Present

I love dogs. Well, good pets… cats have not been horrible. But dogs are the best. After my Tom-Dog passed on a year ago Mom & Bob got Maggie and she is a good girl. They have another dog named Sam who is 14 and still full of energy – relatively speaking.
Tom's CollarYesterday I was fixing the back seat in my moms car and Tom’s old collar fell into my hands and I was shocked. I just grasped it in both my hands and then naturally took a picture of it. Read about Tom here.
I miss having a puppy around. But I need to have a home and a life. I don’t have those things right now. It’s ahead of me. It’s part of my intention. I gave all that up 3.5 years ago for a new adventure and have been virtually lost since then.
Now, the only plus has been my bf and many of the people I have come to know in San Francisco. I need something more though and not sure where to find it.

2014 September Check-in

Good morning world. I looked at my analytics and it seems like people are still coming to my site, but seem to be looking at the pages with naked pics on them first. Not me, but from the 2012 Naked Bike Ride I participated in back then. It was a lot of fun, but something about this site and what it was set up for has somehow drifted.
photo 1Seems I find it harder and harder to write here and post because I am so busy doing other projects and avoiding some important things I need to be doing. It’s all about avoiding what needs to happen for what I want to happen. I want to live life on my own terms, but the delusion is that my terms are so vague and unsolved that I remain behind this computer lost in my fantasy world.

  1. Burning Man : my theme camp Sun Guardians : for two months before Burning Man in August 2014 I worked on that camp almost full time. Then when I got back I was so lit for fixing the problems of this year and making next year better that I ran full force into re-writing a plan for 2015. [my BM blog]
  2. my Writing : I have been writing since I was a teenager and am pretty damn good…. if I must say so myself. My work is contemporary and filled with colorful characters. I wold love to be published but I have no idea where to start and damn am I ready.
  3. my web sites : 2 burning man sites : queerburners.com : I can spend all the time I have in a day working on those. Hell, look at this site. I redid the whole design for it and the Burning Man part of it in a day.

10620556_1472234099668085_4276812698845279216_nWhat am I avoiding?

  1. job hunting : I need to find something that I can do to earn a living. I have become a red splatter on the pavement of the employed and am only just realizing how wrong I have taken life. Train Wreck. Bad Acid Trip.
  2. place to live : yes, I am currently homeless again. I am crashing with the boyfriend/partner. While it is good to be with him on this level and we are still strong with each other I left my last place because: hated living there, place reeked with mold, and more. I just had to get out of there thinking it would propel me forward… seems I am still stuck in the sling-shot.

I am taking this time to set money aside and do some things in the meantime. I have a month left to start getting some tread and figure out where and who I am. I want out of San Francisco… god yes!!!! Looking at East Bay, Portland, Seattle and maybe maybe Reno.

mad world

Yep, I am back there again. Yep, really feeling like the world is slipping out from under my feet. As much as feel like I am struggling there is a conflict of reality basically telling me I am not good enough and a failure; it’s a familiar voice. I am drowning and I am a man of contingency, but dreams can not float on a vacuum.
P1010006aSo, the ghost of my biological father has been haunting me. Well, better to say my daddy-baggage. He is still alive and within the scope of these hard times I am feeling incredibly depressed. But then again, I have been over committing myself in the light of a heating up season for Burning Man.
Definitely it feels there has been a spirit hovering around me and I suspect at least one of them has been my Tom Dog. Not sure why he has been here, but I felt him really strong last night. Not that he is the only one buzzing around… I can’t seem to pinpoint who it might be though I have my suspicions.
yeah, I know it sounds crazy and I know it also sounds kind of stupid. All I can say is this is what I feel sometimes. My ghosty experiences in this city have been few and far apart.
Bottom line… I am seriously struggling and am just losing faith in myself. I hate my job situation. My career path is broken and overgrown with weeds. I need to change.
C Monster is the best thing I got right now.

Just When

Just when I thought I could get away from drama in my life (yeah right), the path is changed. I thought in my previous post that I would be a3settling with C Monster in for the long run and last night we concluded that chapter. Poetically speaking – on Valentines Day.
Things are so raw right now and the reasoning behind it is not within grasp. I made some huge mistakes and in spite of trying to back pedal on them I cast the what I did and this is where I am left.
I really loved him and I loved more that he loved me back. But this love had so many very deep flaws in it. It seems to have been clear since the beginning of the year that this was becoming forced and desperate.

thinking more… weighty shit

The weight of the world is on me as I write this. Dramatic as it sounds, I cannot stop thinking about everything.
My last entry was an attempt to douse a few of my distractions and close the door on some of the fucking tumblr_mc5eqsZjhk1ram6cfo1_500bullshit I let creep into my life. Alas it just seemed to clear the road for other things.
As much as I try to hunker down and find peace and some assemblance of happiness the fleeting it is.
It’s impossible to communicate the inner conflicts and make sense of it while standing in the eye of the storm. And the storm really feels disorientating. There I go with my metaphors again.
Its how my brain seems to make sense of things but right now it just is not working.
(tmi section) Even this morning when C and I were having some yummy sexy time it all got to be too much. I just completely shut down… Information overload.
Yet I am all alone on this one too. C just can’t understand though he really tries.
I feel like I need some time alone for a while and I need the ability to figure this out, though my choices have been really questionable.

Us, We, Them: Trip Report Part1

I disappeared off the earth again for a few days while doing some self discovery. I went to a place I dreamed about going to for as many as 6 years; it was called Wolf Creek Sanctuary. The details on the people and history are on their web site, but going there is vastly different.
We learn about ourselves when we are snatched out of our routine, let alone our comfy and safe environment, and set in the deep Oregon wood like where I went. The space has an incredible history, mostly concerning my adventure was the last 40 years since it was founded by queer San Francisco radicals who were called: Radical Faeries.
The property is called a sanctuary as it is also a church with a lot of neo-pagan ideals. This event was called the Spiritual Gathering for Radical Faeries (SGRF) at Wolf Creek which makes sense since it is a sanctuary and a spiritual center. Personally, I felt I keyed into that reality fairly quickly as I was able to tap into energies around me that molded my time there; in some cases very far out of my control.
I plan on writing more about this and covering these subjects in detail in the next day or two and invite you to participate. I plan on returning to the community in October for Samhain (pronounced: Sow-when). Observations and things I feel like talking about include:

And there you have it…. just a beginning of the dialog to follow.
I came back changed  – inspired – renewed – hopeful …. and unemployed so I have to face that dragon really fast. I wish I could take C Monster on that journey with me. But… while I was there and he was here he had his own experiences and he too seems happier. I hope we can stay that way.

a little prayer

The new job is going really well and I hope that it keeps going that way. I will do everything I can to keep it going that way. So, this is my new start and this is my new outlook. Given recent years of non-stop bad luck and consistent failure these recent blessings are really over due in some ways.
It’s not entitlement. It’s not about what I deserve. The universe never looks at things that way. If she dis it would be a cruel twist. If I did I would be crazier than I already am.
So the job is really great so far and it looks like it could going well if I keep my nose to the grindstone and focused on what I need to.
On the other hand I have a boyfriend who I have been with now for five months and we spend a lot of time together. As much as I have expressed my love for him he has not done so much in return… at least in words. Actions have been pretty telling and his actions have made me very happy.
He is a sweet guy who shows he cares on so many levels. He is attracted to me… ME! He thinks I am sexy… when so many people in my past have said just the opposite unless they wanted something.
But he and I have our demons and we say and do stupid things to fuck our own heads. I tell him ‘I love you’ and in return I got mocked. It was his defenses reacting… because nothing is ever good enough. I still love him and he sometimes says things that make me think I am wasting my time; but he and I are carved from the same block of wood. It’s uncanny the things we match on.
Not all those things are healthy. But we are two terribly flawed people who together are both better humans.
I feel so insecure about this and lately I have been asking myself if I am really in love with him. I think I am. I am afraid that I am so exposed that my own insecurities are like screaming voice in my head bringing the doubts like scattered ran clouds. It’s like an impending storm.
God give me the strength, wisdom and vision to find my way and the light at the end of the tunnel. Please grant me the light to retain my optimism and save me from myself.