I spent part of my evening uploading pictures to my web site here. It was a walk through memory lane that I do not think I was ready for emotionally. To see Adolfo and his family … it’s so hard to think about something like that I lost.
Even to this day I think he and I were soul mates, but we hit too many bad patches in a row. I made a lot of stupid mistakes. I made a lot of foolish decisions, which is something I seem to constantly do.
I miss him still. Maybe this is why I am still single – other than the other series of foolish decisions – is because in my heart there is still something for him.
I thought I was past it all a long time ago. I still think about him here and there. [long pause here]
You see Adolfo came to my 2nd college graduation last year and while at dinner with my parents and a neighbor, he apparently told said neighbor (Olga) that all I wanted him for was his money. It made me so mad that I I really thought it killed the last ember in my heart for him.
See, when we met I was making good living and the principle supporter of our household. Over time, he started making almost twice what I made and it all shifted. I was so mad he seemed to forget all about that. I paid for so much in our survival as a couple.
We were foolish with our money. I was always making stupid decisions. But, I tried.
Category Archives: Drama – Pass please
just sayin more
I have not been posting in the last couple weeks because some of the things weighing heavily on my mind have been more dramatic sounding then they are worth. There has been good things going on and bad things. All of which is adding up to me feeling very unhappy again.
The largest sword hanging over my head is a lack of money in my life and my ability to pay most of my bills. I was maintaining breathable air up until a month or so ago – I have officially sunk below the surface of the water. There is nothing I can do about any of it.
I ran a fundraiser last weekend and was completely blown off by a majority of the people I know. Strangers gave me more support and encouragement than people I though would not let me down. I am standing there with shit all over my face and a sad sense that I fucked myself hard and dirty. What a dumb-fucker I am. Damn, stupid mother-fucker who once again put faith in people only to be run over again.
Again and again.
Needless to say money I invested in setting up the fund raiser was money I did not have or committed to the wrong people.
NOW, I have the green light from Burning Man and have to get busy on the art installation. I have 2.5 months to get this item created… it’s very possible. Do I have the resources to accomplish this… oh lordie.
So, last night was a night of pure bliss. I got to see so many Burners out and shared in so many hugs and kisses and devine moments of pure happiness. Being around Burners feels good. I feel like one of the cool girls of the sorority house who’s pretty. Not like the real world where I feel like a discarded doll with stuffing coming out of the side of it’s head.
UGH! It all sounds very Brittney Spears… I mean bi-polar.
Fact is I am a miserable old fucker plotting along trying to get ahold of something here. I am starting to feel like I am done with Las Vegas again. Not even the Burners I consider family can raise me out of this funk.
I went out to lunch with a guy today and had nothing in common with him. Egh… no passion. Nothing excites him. It is enough for him to get out of bed every day. And he was just not attractive on any level. …sigh.
not a good time
There are times when the weight of the world is stting on one’s chest and laughing while spitting in your face. Although it feels like that, it’s good to remeber that you know so many people who would be happy to have my problems.
Fuckin drama shit.
kvetching
so on Facebook I did a bit of a rant today because of someone else’s entry. It was a super whine from someone I carried a lot of respect for. Ugh, without stabbing a finger at the person directly; truth told I am just frustrated with people here in general. I did my grousing a few entries back where I included pictures of some of the offenders.
So, on Sunday John came by out of the blue and planted himself in my living room not without a few words from me on his arrival. I told him I was pissed at him for leaving me in the dust while he was dating this German douche… no apologies or explanations from him.
His appearance allowed me to step away form some work that was frustrating me. However, all he did was anchor himself down on the couch and watch the television. I had plans on going to the gym before a Burner event that night… so we went together.
We still had almost nothing to say to each other. It was annoying because it was still burning my ass he had no excuses for this idiot German douche. He kept saying – we are not going to last… blah blah blah….
I recently posted a “status” on facebook:
“Scott Kay just curiously (in one adjective) are you my penpal, friend, lover, stalker, obsession, lust-bunny or new-red-rash? Who are you???? ANSWER ME!”
Well some people took it too seriously and others got the spirit of the concept. One person in particular sorta kicked me in the balls… I thought we were friends – but apparently I was deluded. deluded – again.
Vomit – whining again. Bitching… here I am looking around and trying to decide if it is worth staying here in this village of the damned. I have a soul, no wonder I do not belong here. AHHHHHHHHHH
sundayOver
So, earlier today I saw a picture of Sam on myspace and I thought… only he can look that good in a hospital bed where he is with his health these days. I talked to him through facebook a little later. He was so tired. He has also stopped taking ALL of his meds and so I am thinking he has just given up. I was talking to John John about it today and I can understand. I think I might feel the same way. But I feel like I am sitting here and I don’t want to go to another freinds funeral. But I will.
These days are harder, but I am still much more fortunate than a lot of people out there. I am blessed that in I can still live and breath with the zest that I have inside of me. I get unemployment right now which is a fraction of what I was earning. I hate getting unemployment, but since I was not prepared to be job hunting I had to get ready.
My portfolio site is nearly ready at www.art23design.com and my printed items are just getting there too. Yo should see my new business cards! For cooking AND a card for my online work. I can do so much.
So, I’ve thought a lot about giving up as well. It’s been hard. I’ve fallen more times than I can count. I feel like I am a complete – I mean complete failure in my parents eyes. My sister was this golden child and she is just so blessed and I am this opposite thing.
I spent much of my life trying to reconcile something inside of me to them. Mostly my dad… to be honest. I was a horrible brother to my sister – a real fuck-wad. I was her enemy from birth and then when she lied about a fight her and I had I was glad to have a reason to be done with her.
It’s been almost 15 years or so since I said more than a couple words to her. And recently I told my dad to jump in a lake too. How long can a person be that shadow?
I can’t tell you how many times he said to me I was a piece of shit or told me I was not worthy of his name. Well, good news. Your only son is a fag and your name dies with him. He got what he wanted.
I wrote him off in December only for the reason that I owed him nothing. He owes me nothing. I can;t ever be what he wanted. I was never good enough.
People do not understand. So when asked about Jack … he’s a ghost.
…Boy – was that a tangent or what???? Shit!!! ha ha ha
Long Winded….
Allergy season is totaly kicking my ass and I have made my own cocktail of pills to fight it. I take Claritin-D and one of the Pink Pills at the same time. The Claritin wires me and the pink stuff mellows… so together I am even-steven. I worried at first that I was going to end up killing myself with pills, but this has actually made a difference.
I am allergic to female cats… their dandruff anyway. I am also allergic to something blowing off the mountains like pine or something. It sucks!
Tonight is my Friday and I am looking forward to being off. Wednesday I have plans with some guys and it should be way cool. Niko and Micheal are another couple I met through myspace.com/[redacted] and I think I like them alot. Moreover, I think Adolfo likes them a lot too because they seem so nice and so normal. Niko has a daughter from them (she is also on mySpace) and she is as cute as a bug. You can really see her as a young woman as she is maturing and comes across as such a nice young lady.
Whatmore… lately there are times when people want to talk to me and tell me stories that seem to go on forever. I have a very short attention span and if you keep telling me a story that goes on too long I tell you I am going to fade right out of every word. I may be looking at you, I may be ackowledging you, I made nod once in a while…. but not a single word is landing. Almost like this paragraph. This paragraph is about the max I can handle.
I also re-did my dad’s web site [redacted] last night and I think it looks really good. I enjoyed putting it together. I have 2 more sites I want to re-do in the meantime. My uncles and then my cooking sites as well.
The big announcement for me this month is that I have come to terms with the reality that I am not going to achieve what I want out of the cooking opart of my career. I have resigned entirely from making cooking a career and will, instead, make due with that I have. If I.T. is going to be my direction, then so be it. Unless international playboy is an opening I can taken… right.
I plan on taking some more classes soon and just riding the wave until I can move on with my life in a positive direction. I think I let too many people decide for me what I should do. Other people have been allowed to influence my decisions way too much!
Anyway, hope everyone is well.
I talked to Allan today on the phone and we talked abiout his life of lies where he is playing with men then going home and fucking his wife. I just don’t really get these married guys who live secret lives while being married??? There is a LOT OF THAT shit and I really think it’s wrong. I told him he should tell his wife and let the chips fall. He loves her a lot and she knows it… but she got burned by a gay guy once before whom she was engaged to.
Another guy here at work is in a simalar circumstance. It’s wierd, but HE is obsessing over another guy that works here. Obsessing to the point of annoyance.
I also talked to Sam and I really feel for him. I have always loved Sam for a variety of reasons and want to see him happy. I do not understand him all the time, but that is just the differences between people and outlooks on life. I hope that Sam will figure out the direction he needs to go in and get his life going again in spite of some of the shit he was burried in recently. He worries me a lot.
Sam is smart. He is a sweet guy. Sometimes misguided, sometimes he’s a bitch. He is someone you can hug and feel a genuine warmth from.
Terry may be coming to LV next month? I have to send him an e-mail to find out.
Mark posted a comment on this diary remarking about my description of him… I called him a Goth-Guy. Well, certainly I think that is how I sorta saw him. He is an interesting guy I could enjoy working with again if that oppurtunity ever came up. You know those poeple you may have met professionally… if they ever said I could use you… I’d move across country for him.
There are other people too. The people I worked with in Cambridge MA are the same.
I miss HostPro and CambridgePort Bank. Those were places I like to work at.
Anyway… I have carried on too long like I sually do when I have not written in a few days… talk soon….
LOVE TO ALL… xo
Traveling: IN Whittier, CA
We are curently traveling and are in Whittier, California. We left Las Vegas on Monday and went to my dad’s place.
My dad (www.[redacted].com) has changed so much over time and yet remains the same. It is as if somehow, over time, we have grown toward each other. I have always loved my family and because of my gay orientation I think it created a barrier between us. He probably would never ask “are you gay?” or anything like that. I dunno… but I love him and his wife.
Then we went to see my mom. She is all excited about a product she wants to sell as the next miracle product. Really, it’s another pyramid scheme packaged nicely. I feel bad for her because she is counting on it to help with their retirement.
Now, we’re here in Whittier (as I mentioned earlier) and I feel like odd-man-out. Most people here are speaking Spanish and I understand only a little of it. I got frustrated last night having been in the middle of a conversation when suddenly everyone revert to Spanish and I was out. They think I should learn Spanish… maybe I could? But, I have tried and languages are not my strong suit… so I get screwed in the end.
I speak German. I can speak it fairly well… but I started learning German when I was a kid. I lived in Germany. Hell, if it were not for that I might not be able to speak it today?????
We are going shopping today. Nothing exciting… IKEA and some other stuff. xo