So, earlier today I saw a picture of Sam on myspace and I thought… only he can look that good in a hospital bed where he is with his health these days. I talked to him through facebook a little later. He was so tired. He has also stopped taking ALL of his meds and so I am thinking he has just given up. I was talking to John John about it today and I can understand. I think I might feel the same way. But I feel like I am sitting here and I don’t want to go to another freinds funeral. But I will.

These days are harder, but I am still much more fortunate than a lot of people out there. I am blessed that in I can still live and breath with the zest that I have inside of me. I get unemployment right now which is a fraction of what I was earning. I hate getting unemployment, but since I was not prepared to be job hunting I had to get ready.
My portfolio site is nearly ready at and my printed items are just getting there too. Yo should see my new business cards! For cooking AND a card for my online work. I can do so much.
So, I’ve thought a lot about giving up as well. It’s been hard. I’ve fallen more times than I can count. I feel like I am a complete – I mean complete failure in my parents eyes. My sister was this golden child and she is just so blessed and I am this opposite thing.
I spent much of my life trying to reconcile something inside of me to them. Mostly my dad… to be honest. I was a horrible brother to my sister – a real fuck-wad. I was her enemy from birth and then when she lied about a fight her and I had I was glad to have a reason to be done with her.
It’s been almost 15 years or so since I said more than a couple words to her. And recently I told my dad to jump in a lake too. How long can a person be that shadow?
I can’t tell you how many times he said to me I was a piece of shit or told me I was not worthy of his name. Well, good news. Your only son is a fag and your name dies with him. He got what he wanted.
I wrote him off in December only for the reason that I owed him nothing. He owes me nothing. I can;t ever be what he wanted. I was never good enough.
People do not understand. So when asked about Jack … he’s a ghost.
…Boy – was that a tangent or what???? Shit!!! ha ha ha

Posted in Drama - Pass please, nfm!* (not for mom).

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