Well well well…

It’s been a long ass time since I made an entry on this section of my site. I have been busy making plans if nothing else… getting things ready and so forth for Sun Guardians (Facebook / Web Site). Yes, I am bringing my own theme camp this year. This is the one I have been working on for about 3 years.

Most of the documentation is on the Facebook page, but yay for me… not I need to get a ticket and find out how I am getting there.

 

Thinking of 2012

Burning Man has still not announced the theme for 2012 and I think it is not a good ting. I think it sorta pee’s on the anticipation of the event because the theme is a source of inspiration for a lot of people. Rumors of the eventual demise of the Burning Man event are growing and it sucks. The shame really is the flow of frat boys and OC housewives making Burning Man part of their Bucket List and have no idea what they are involving themselves with.

Yes, Burning Man is an open and welcoming culture for people of all backgrounds. But not all people are of the same mindset in return. I met someone recently who had a near violent reaction when I tried explaining my position on the experience. I told her that I did not thing this was something for her and she exploded. So weird.

So in 2012 I am hoping to see my theme camp concept come to life and really blossom. Odd thing is a lot of people like my concept but are reluctant to really opt into it. It is Sun Guardians. I think it is a very special and amazing idea.

Alas with life and my balls in a vice like they are the longer things do not change the less likely I will be able to really carry out all the projects I want to take on – within the Burning Man culture and out.

I am writing today to make sure no one thinks I forgot to write or I forgot what was important. I have more balance in my support of this culture. I have wiped the glitter out of my eyes. No stars. No delusions.  Just a lot of hope.

BM 2011 Part 3

One of the highlights of my trip was a gathering at Comfort & Joy where a guy named Coop and a female shaman named Gigi led a workshop called “Faggots and their Fathers”. If you have not noticed from my blog… my life… I have some daddy issues. In fact, I have an art piece I plan on doing that speaks to that.

Well, the workshop got started and I tried to stay on the fringe of the group because I REALLY have issues in this area. 2 years of therapy recently only got me so far. For the first half of the dialog I was a soppy, messy drippy mess and I was trying to hide behind myself the whole time. I could not look at the other participants.

Eventually I calmed down, but I never missed out on anything. I participated with all the exercises and listened to all that was said. One exercise involved us conjuring up some Aztec goddess for help and it involved a strange ceremony that you might think you were getting punked with. It was a meditation and I am pretty down with that anyways, but I think the mutual energy in the room made it much moe powerful.

All in all the class was extremely cathartic and fulfilling… no it was healing. I ended up staying behind after and spend time with Coop and Gigi and they took me a step further. I worked with Gigi on s couple exercises and then she did her shaman thing. I physically felt her pulling something out of me and since then I just feel so different.

I would like to think my demeanor has changed and people would notice it. However, a lot of people here do not know me that well. I’m not sure anyone knows me that well.

It made leaving burning man easier because there was a lot of emotions on this trip. There was a lot of anger. I could not be what someone in my camp wanted or expected. I let their passive-aggressive attacks slide off my back. I never relied on my own expectations because each day out there was it’s own day and I took them one at a time.

I left thinking about that gathering and still focus on the feeling that my chest is more open and a lot of the weight is gone. I hope I found my new light.

BM2011 Part 2

Having walked the dog and am winding down for bed I thought I would add a little more to my story. In the previous chapter I might have seemed harsh on Christine, but I appreciate a lot she took on.

Meeting the Past

While out there one of my missions was to make as many connections as I can. Mostly people from the web site I manage www.gayburners.com where I am having a great time connecting with people and groups.

One of the camps I exchange mail with occasionally is the Down Low Club. It is a place that tends to be popular with a segment of the population. I reposted a half-ass article today in the Huffington Post that talked about it and other camps relating to the gay community of BM.

I took Christine with me to meet the guys who run the operation of the camp. While there I flirt with the local ginger guy only to have him call me by my real name; which a lot of people don’t know within Burning Man itself. Turns out this guy was a guy I was in love with 25 years ago whom I literally thought was dead.

Mind fuck is the words that come to mind. I had trouble going back to the camp because of it. It was good seeing him in the end and I never really knew if he felt the same for me back then. At least he never offered that information.

On the last day I went back to him after all the other experiences I had and just talked with him a little while re-affirming that it was a joy to have reconnected … at Burning Man of all places.

The burner world is a small world

Burning Man 2011: My Burn

Every year has been so different. This year, different took another dimension. I had the fortune and support to bring a piece of art to Burning Man that did not go over so well, but it was the journey that mattered. I have to tell myself that because there is no way I am going to let all that energy mean nothing.

Getting to Burning Man was at the expense of my sister who really is responsible for the logistics and transportation. I ended up having some stupid HUGE money issues and she generously helped me out. If it were not for her I would have never made. She was an 11th hour add. Burning Man kindly offered me a ticket to help bring the project  to life and I brought Christine on board and thank goodness I did.

In the previous 2 years I stayed with large camps surrounded by friends. This year a small group of friends, many of us linked through Facebook alone, created Area 69. It was a small collective of people and I had my dear friend Freddy was there. Overall we had a really good camp but there was way too much complacency and drama for any burner camp – that always bring a cloud over things.

I had no agenda when I went and I think having Christine there allowed me to go there with fewer expectations. My attention to her was enough that I was able to let go and embrace this time with friends and family. Christine and I have been the closest of all my siblings much of your years growing up. We both have changed so much. Her and I had a hard time connecting steadily, but we had our shining moments.

Burning Man 2011

This might be a part 1 of whatever because there were moments and experiences that shine and some that burned emotionally. It was all enough that left me with some powerful shifts in my identity that I talked about in my personal blog.

My camp was a challenge and as much as I love some people there were moments of extreme pain. It was the magnetic pull of someone’s expectations bringing me into an uncomfortable position several times over and both of us trying very hard to come to a meeting of minds and hearts.

Whatever I am made of, puppy dog tails and sticky snails, I am who I am. At Burning Man I get a chance to add dimension to that and by being completely removed from the default world I get to see the raw definition of me – good or bad – and get to dissect it. When I am able to pull off an undesirable piece of that I am fortunate.

Being there with Christine I was challenged and questioned myself pretty deeply. I was forced to reflect and consider my ability to communicate effectively. I found after some time that as much as she contributed and made things happen her demons were forced on me over and over. Almost every conversation came with some wildly snarky comment spoken under her breath like there was a small leak in the filter that is between the mind and the mouth. I actually wondered if I heard what I was hearing. There was one moment, a funny moment if you were looking at this from the outside, where I honestly thought I was hallucinating her comments. Let’s just say that involved a brownie gifted to me that I will explain in a later post.

Being there with Freddie I was challenged more by his boyfriend whom I have had some issues with. My challenge was to appreciate him more and support Freddie in his love for him. I got to see they really love each other a lot. Although I think Mike makes some bad decisions when it comes to people, I cannot deny how much he loves Freddie and that is all that matters. I learned to appreciate Mike more.

Other members of the camp were like the background characters in a sitcom because there was a lot of dimension from this crew. All were generally lovely people and I think we were connecting for the most part. Whatever drama and stress mostly washed off the backs of most people there. I think we did our best to make a nice camp.

Some people have made it clear they don’t want to camp with each other again. I am remiss that Freddie was so turned off with the drama that he is turned off with the idea of doing a camp like this again. I asked him and Mike to be part of my camp next year and neither are interested. Sigh…

There is sooooooo much more… my dog is demanding to go outside and I need to go to bed soon. More to come…

My Burner World

When the year began I started questioning what I was going to do with the future of this Burning Man thing.

  • The politics and hate I have been beaten up with by certain members of the community was really taking it’s toll.
  • This period of waiting while Burning Man back peddled through making a decision on who would be the Regional Contacts for Southern Nevada.
  • The trip to the Leadership Summit
  • Then one of the previously mentioned haters telling people I was a drug dealer and a mental case…

It was all just too much. At the Burning Man Leadership Summit in March 2011 I was there with 7 other representatives from Vegas and it was just a ball of ugly political tension. All I could do was rise above it and separate myself from those who would continue the evil and the drama.

So, I chose to and am building on very positive projects I am hoping will take shape. I am working on a plan to develop grants for artists through a Burning Man non-regional community called nthTribe; based on the Burning Man principles and more added. There are also promises that I hope will fill in some of the cracks that seem to exist in Burning Man as it exists today.

I also proposed something called MAS (Member Action System) that will work like an EAP program and help members of the community suffering from drug and alcohol addiction; also want to include sexual addiction. Yet another thing I am waiting for Burning Man to get back to me on.

The company, Burning Man,LLC, is in the process of huge changes and probably has some higher priorities. It sucks some important processes have to suffer. We are here for the better future of the organization and its principles after all.

Meanwhile, I figured I have had my cherry busted with Burning Man about as much as it could be. Within the world of BM politics I have been dunked and taken a couple in the crotch. But, I stood up afterwards and kept moving.

I also figured I either had to take a new outlook and a new approach or walk away. Why should I walk away when I have come to find so many people in this culture so amazing. There are a lot of fuck-heads, but there are a lot more great people.

2011 Moving Forward

This looks like it can be an exciting year with some of the things I am doing with Burning Man as an event I plan on attending and participating in for 2011.

Me and Monotropolis at Burning ManMy fear is that all these politics of the last year are crushing me and, although the damage seems like it is done, it’s time to just find my own feet and move forward without the interference with the dream killers. It is my own fault, but I have already lamented over this enough.

I have 3 art projects planned for this year and once I get these clicking, I am hoping to find inspiration for more. My flagship project for this year is called Final Passage; relative for the Burning Man theme “Rites of Passage” for Burning Man this year. It is taking great shape and I brought on two partners in the completion of this yesterday. I am seeking one more and then I need to get through the fund raising part of this.

The second project is called “gluttony” and it will deal with some of my issues with self-image and other baggage I am looking to channel into a presentation that is conceivably more simple than Final Passage for example.

Plan for Public Announcement delivered at After-Burn 2010Finally, is “Public Announcement” that I am having a problem conceptualizing. OR!!!!! I have it done already. Sep 2010 I made what my vision was and brought it to our “After Burn” and it did not translate. The delivery method, shown here, was lost on basically everyone. I am wondering if I bring it to Burning Man for center camp if it will translate in 2D instead.

The lessons from last year  trying to get “Monotropolis” to Burning Man resonate with me and I am taking those lessons to the bank. I got a lot of helpful advice from people who are today not my friends anymore and it makes me really sad.

Only hope is the light that leads my way through this journey and I stand radically self expressive and self reliant to get my goals accomplished. All I can do is hope and pray that the journey opens new doors.

Burning Mondays

Burning Mondays happened again tonight over at the Artisan. They plan on doing it every Monday, getting burners together, and discussing various subjects.

I am stuck in a strange place with some people that were there and I  am feeling like the politicing is taking over my Burner experience on some levels and ruining things I thought I was working for. I am going to back peddle a bit and see if I can minimize that, but because I am in such a dire position with Cameron Grant it makes it hard.

Cameron has been as much as a good guy as he has been as asshole to me. And the funny thing is he has no reason to be an asshole. He said enough times he hates Burning Man to enough people that he should have resigned well over a year ago when he was hating on me for another whole other bunch of shit.

I can say that seeing some people more has shifted my position on the race to be a new regional. Some of the people I thought would make good candidates I am rethinking and some of the people I questioned I am feeling really good about. There was effort for people on both sides.

Anyway, more and more I am considering the possibility that if they ask me to be a regional, that I will have to decline. OR… accept the role temporarily for a year and move on. I think it depends on who they offer it to.

Days gone by

Well, a lot has transpired in my relationship with the Burning Man community since coming back this year. A battle between myself and one of the regionals seems to have come to a head and a letter I wrote to BMorg seems to have been a catalyst for some changes.

I guess as any group, there is some politics that come into play and as I have personally involved myself more the deep I got into it all. I felt like I had to fight the very person who is supposed to be supporting the 10 burning man principles. It was so frustrating because that kind of thing causes fallout which impacts other people directly or indirectly.

In this time I have met and talked to people connected with Burning Man the corporation about problems here and said my point of view. That is I told my perception of the story that really does not need to be revisited on this journal.

Since then 10 people have put their names into the hat to be a regional representative for Burning Man in the Southern Nevada region; half of them really have no business do it because they have no clue about this community. I might have said that about another person on the list of candidates but one of the new people to this community has shown an interesting spirit I can relate to.

It will be interesting to see how this regional role process plays out and how the community embraces or supports these changes. 2 current regionals need to be unseated – period. There are a variety of reasons on those counts.

Of the current candidates, I can say I am genuinely worried about the stability of this region regarding leadership. If I am chosen or asked to take the roll I will, but I can see a rocky path ahead; I hope to be surprised.

The people on the list are so diverse, but there is a ‘click’ in that group that is definitely not a good thing for Las Vegas burners. Unfortunately, I hate sounding like a pessimist, but Burning Man has a blind spot and I think it could lead to the ultimate degradation of everything it stands for and has built.

One thing is certain, the longer this goes on the more fractured Southern Nevada Burners are becoming and have become. Some say nay, but it is unfortunately true. We need a voice that can bring people together and build bridges. We need more from Burning Man than Larry Harvey standing in a bar. We need a dynamic voice like Marian. I do not know Stephen Raspa or a lot of other people, but seriously… we need more.

Some thoughts

Fortunately, this is the blog I have that I don’t think the people in or around Burning Man pays any attention to. It’s been a rough few months in my burner world and took me to the edge of nearly abandoning this life altogether.

Anyone who knows me and my life here, Burner stuff is the one thing that has given me light. I have to say, I hated life in Vegas before getting involved with the Burner community.

None the less, when I began in September ’08 I spent a lot of time staying out of the politics of the community. In fact, I made a quick exit any time it came up. Somewhere along the way I took on a label as an organizer and was soon eyeball deep in drama and politics.

I tried not to be a cause of any of it… but when I complained to Burning Man about the abuses of a local regional a new shit storm came and seems to be blowing over. He really needs to resign because he has been such an asshole. Ironically, he has also done some awesome things for me and for the community. But one screw up can destroy all the good work you left behind. It’s a bigger picture thing.

Another group of people in Vegas from the head camp of Burning Man – who recently moved here to Vegas – and I have also locked horns a bit. It’s fucking sucked because these First Camp people are people I would like to know. Many I genuinely like. I cannot believe the snobbery of some.

Once in a conversation I heard dialog that sounded a lot like they were kings of the hill and they were looking down at all the less worthy participants. I don’t think she was aware of what she said. The sense of __________ is a little unnerving, but not shocking given SOME of the attitudes I have seen.

The one woman of Burning Man whom I have really been blown away by is Marian… she is a sexy woman and a bright soul. For anyone paying attention to this blog, she is like 2nd in command at BM whom I met a couple of times and feel invigorated when we have spoken. She is charming and seems grounded. Way cool.

Anyway, I have had a lot of problems communicating with people in the community lately and probably put my foot pretty deep into my mouth. I really should have just stayed out of it… maybe I’ll learn next time.

I have put my name in the bowl to be a regional in the community and if they accept my application, I think I can do a good job. I know 2 of the others who have too and know they would be awesome as well.

Sorry for all the babble here…. more to come.