At work again and thinking about a lot of the stuff tyhat has been happening over the last week. Nothing significant, mind you, but enough that it can get my brain thinking. Imagine that?!?!?!

I got some good words from Gary, as previously mentioned… I see Terry dropped a few words though he did not submit his name. I guessed with the mentioning of his dear wife, Kathy. He threatened to change places with me… well, it is always greener in the next pasture, tiger. I sorta heard from Allan in Texas too… he called and left me a short voice mail.

I’ll call you back, I promise.

Today is my Monday… back to work and all. I came in and found out I had some training thing to do and I just psent the last 6 hours in it. The guy I was training with a one of the best guys I work with, but damn it is boring. I have a very short attention span.

It is also hard to put too much effort into a job that I am considering quitting already. Right now I am lookng into my hour glass trying to determine what my future holds. I have to accomplish a few things and I should create another blog that addresses my passions and goals alone.

• Lose 30+ pounds of fat (I know, cut off my head, ha ha ha)
• Let my passion and goals guide me, these I have let flicker and almost be snuffed out.
• Finish getting my finances in order.

Good news is that I may have a big-time celebrity client in the works for a cooking job in a couple weeks. I am very exceited and am extremely hopeful it will blossum into something really cool! It’s a one-shot deal, but I am excited. I did cook for this person before. BUT!!!! This time there are more famous people going to be there…. but I cannot say who so do not ask me.

Truthfully, I miss the cooking gig I had but I know as I move forward in life I will not find that again. I want a gig that I can feel somewhat secure in, but I want to be on a clear path toward owning my own restaurant. There is NO REASON why I cannot do it.

As far as meeting my goals, making the road to get there, I have fallen on my responsibilities to myself. I have not finished my financial plan though I have one restaurant basically designed… I have another also designed. Now I need a $$$$$$$$$$$$$$…. well maybe $$$$$$ …. because $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ is just too much….

Where would I open a restaurant? Well, I have been thinking about it. Certainly any half-ass restaurant in Las Vegas can make money… there are a lot of half-ass places here so it has to be true. A good restaurant can make millionies!!!!! Other coices include… in order of preference:

• Seattle, WA
• Astoria, OR
• Chicago, IL
• Providence, RI
• Manchester, NH ………yes, all northern tier cities!

Well, this is what is on my mind this week. My weekend went by soooooo fast.

This weekend I also saw my freind from New Orleans and his lovely house was completely undamaged. I will send you a link soon. I also want some thought out to Allan in Houston… Austin… something like that with the new Hurricane cuming his way. Tell the Soula-Monster to hold her skirt down!!!!!!

Long day today… I got some good words from Gary off in Nebraska-way. I kept my ass busy all day and accomplished absolutely nothing. I did see a guy from Boston I knew, John, and we had dinner at this intriguing, yet so-so, restaurant next the the 15 freeway and Sahara called Artisan. I have never seen a place like this before.

The cocktail I had was good. We wandered over to Bluemoon after and sat naked in the jacuzzi. I left feeling pretty relaxed. THEN, Adolfo was in bitch-mode and fucked up the rest of the night.

Oh well… I hope tomorrow will be better. I planned on us spending the day together. Scott

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What a day… it’s another day at the Lovely hotel. I am at work and since I have been here (since 3) it has been relatively quiet. There is always someone with a shitty attitude to make the day that much more fun.

Keith stopped by today showing me his new web site and I may put some effort into making it look and work a little better. He has been using a Micrsoft product that is crap (another word for Front Page).

I was chilling for a while at home before he showed up and then I had to runn off to work.

Look, I have little to say right now. Maybe later????

Scott

The affects of SFO are still with me. I feel like I am looking at the worked differenly… but the thing is that I have not really changed. It’s like being possesed and watching Scott physically interacting with the world and the little possesed conscience inside of me watching like a third party.

I had a hissy fit Wednesday night when some shit in our pantry fell down on top of me. It was a realization that WHO I AM and what I would like to be are two different animals.

I want to be more comfortable in the world and feel like I can be, just not in the PLACE where I am right now. This job is a challenege…. odly enough I feel a little more comfortable in my own skin here… but still out of place.

I had to expereince IT once again if for nothing else then to realize once more that I still… still. still… STILL am busy looking at the greener grass thinking I could have that too. I have always had that problem with reality. I have always been so pre-occupied with what I do not have …

The first biggest mistake I made is leaving the military when I did. That is one of my biggest regrets. Today, I regret a few other things. I regret a laundary list that I am sure I published here before. So, Scott get over yourself.

Here I am complaining and whining again and my readers are so silent it is deafening. Gary? Allan? Terry? Kathy? Eddie? Please leave your comments my pretties!

I am back at work. I am back doing Swing Shift and feel pretty good about things in general. When I came back from SFO I thought I felt different inside a bit. I felt kinda wierd. It is because the world just seemed so different with a new point of view.

In Las Vegas I sense that people do not like other people. People tend to be focused on themselves and their own priorities. Themselves. In SFO I saw circumstances that would have been completely different HERE (in LV) versus there (in SFO).

It was as if people in SFO respected other person’s opinions more, they respected their space more, their right-to-be more. The same situation with have errupted in anger or rage for no real reason in LV … that is my perception.

It’s not that people in SFO are more enlightened, but a different level what is acceptable is in place. It is acceptable to be abusive to people here. It is acceptable to be pushy. It is acceptable to demand, through hissy fits and piss all over other people.

I also noticed a lot of people do not make eye contact with other people here. It is as if that level of human connection for may people is too intimate. It’s already too great of a threat. It sucks.

At the market yesterday right after I got off the plane I almost crashed carts with this woman. I smiled and said “excuse me” in a nice polite manner and she nodded uncomfortably and avoided looking me in the face.

At work, this guy I see all the time averts his eyes even when talking one – to – one with me. It’s not just me… I see this go on all the time around me.

It just further justifies my desire to move on… I further makes me aware of my own interraction with people. I am no better than all the others. I need to change myself and worry about that alone… the path of life will let me make a lane change when it will.

I cannot sleep. I went to bed at 11 and I woke up feeling really wierd about 15 minutes ago. I looked at the clock and I thought it was 2am. So, once I realized what time it was for real… I called Adolfo making sure he was okay.

I am still in SFO. This is my last night. I had dinner with Ken and I drnak too much, which could account for my physical condition. I have a headache and I feel slightly dehydrated. I feel really restless and nervous. I feel upset… but I do not know what about. I dreamed that I parked the car here in the garage and that it was raided… ripped off as it were. Well, I did not drive here.

Mt truck is sitting at the LV airport… but that is not where I dreamed there was a problem.

I have felt alittle off through most of the day. I starte dto think I was catching a cold or something. After lunch with Ken I felt a little light headed and loopy… we hung out through the Castro and it just never went away.

I was a very bad man today… I spent moany on clothes and things that I really should not have. 3 pairs of maonts and a sweater from Macy’s; god I love that store. Oh, a tie pin and socks. Ugh… well, I got 30% off and it was good.

Dinner for 2 cost 240.00 dollars including tip. Oh almost shit… so much for Ken taking me out for Dinner. I saw the bill and I could not let him take the brunt of that bill. I told him we would split it.

I need something to help me sleep. I know I will not sleep… I am not a happy camper. I have had such a nutty fucked up schedule in the last week that my sleep paterns are nuked. I ned therapy… ha ha ha ha

The plan tomorrow is that I will be heading back to LV and a dinner engagement with my man. Yeah us. Unitl then, until I take even one picture on this stupid trip, until I get some sleep tonight, kisses.

Scott

I am in SFO right now having spent the night last night. It is absolutely LOVELY here right now. I can wear a coat. There is a breeze in the city. The morning fog is still blocking out the sun… I have already walked over to Starbucks for some coffee. I woke up alone this morning… and called Adolfo right away.

I woke him up… he sounded so groggy. I miss my man a lot. As soon as I got here last night I did a little shopping. I hit Virgin Records (right up the street) and bought an older Rammstein CD I wanted. I got Black Eyed Peas. And… the TRAPT cd I have been thinking about. I found a little treat for Adolfo too…

There is a shoe store called Soho Shoes I went in to … to see if there was anything irresistible. Yet, no… lots of resistible stuff. I had gone so far 30+ hours without sleep when I decided to hang at the hotel a bit. I got hungry though and wandered toward the Castro.

While waiting for the electric car, I met this dyke who was so nice. I wish I could remember her name… I am so bad at that… and she and I kibitzed a while and ended up going into the Castro and having a burger at this awesome burger place up there.

We said out goodbyes… I gave her one of my cards… and I went shopping some more. I bought a new cock-ring that is chromed. It looks neat.. haven’t worn it yet. Imagine, they let you try them on in the store????? It fit.

HA HA HA HA HA…. anyway, I will write more when I can.

xo, Scott

Night #3 of 5 on Gaveyeard Shift at the Venetian Hotel….

I am more tired tonight than any other night. I had a headache earlier today and I think I still feel the remainder of it… it was because I did not drink coffee until later than usual. I need coffee to survive…. need…. coffee…. must have…. coffee. I had 2 cups at home and then one major sized cup here at work.

I did not work-out again today.. did yesterday… because Adolfo came home early and I feel obligated to give him attention when he does. I do not see much of him. BUT, I need to work out because I feel like a big fat house-plant.

It is my goal to be more upbeat and positive when I can. Here I sit in a job that I am unhappy with and thinking about being more positive. Well, hard times are like penance for a better future, right?

Okay…. no other news…. I will be finished with this graveyard nonsense in two days and then I am running to the airport to dash off to SFO. I feel guilty leaving Adolfo behind, but the odd thing is he does not seem to mind. He was perfectly okay with my trip, even though I told him I was meeting someone he never met before….

I finally broke him… he is like puddy in my hands… yeah right!

When I get into SFO I am going to check into my hotel… nap… go to Virgin records. Have dinner somewhere… check stuff out. Shop a little. I just made a huge payment on my CC from the last trip… but I am going to maintain my sanity and not shop myself to death.

I’ll be staying at the Pickwick Hotel on 5th Street near the Fin Dist off Market if you are in town…. I stayed there a couple years ago and the rooms look they could have been previously owned by a brothel!!!! I am told they redecorated. It is a lovely hotel.

Cheerios!

Well, this is another night at work and yesterday ended quietly and effortlessly. There are some positive aspects to this Graveyard shift business. There are drawbacks. Eitherway, I am just a little soldier getting through it all.

Yesterday I wrote about how unhappy I was in general. I was thinking about that. You have to wonder what it is that drives me and why I seem so complacent???? It is easy to bitch about stuff on this blog, but then the good shit happenes I tend to speak less about it.

A failing in my personality is that I really do not know how to deal with being happy. If I am happy I am also miserable. I am uncomfortable with joy. It’s been a while since I had comfort with those things, ya know???

I think when I lived in Long Beach 1990 to 1996 I was more happy and carefree. I had a dear freind, Ed, and other freinds who were also very important to me. Fact is, I think my troubles with the IRS really took thier toll on my sanity. I think some bad decisions I made also took their toll on my ability to be rational at times.

I am not blaming others for my problems. I am taking ownership… trying to see the origin. Hell, I can’t blame my parents. As dysfunctional as that was, I think I made it through my family unscathed.

I made mistakes in a couple past relationships I can never take back, which I have already lamented TO DEATH in these diary pages; Brian (1999), James (1996), John (1996), and Ron (1993). Well, come to think of it, I may have only done the Brian thing to death here because this diary started in 1999.

Here I go… drifting through my thoughts. I do not need an ex’s page on my site. I did that a couple times, too. I would have to add Pete (1995), Adolfo (1994) and more…. what’s that? Yes, Adolfo and I dated for a year in 1994ish…

Anyway, all of life’s experieinced slowly mold the person you have here today. Same goes for you. We are all more alike then we often know. In my heart I often feel like I stand very alone in spite of all these people around me. I have been very fortunate. I count my blessings, but at the same time I lament my failures. I envy and feel angry at others even when it hardly seems neccessary. I feel inseucure and fear getting old. I am human…… so it seems.