I was just talking to someone at work about the idea of moving out of this city. I talked about Chicago and Providence. Why would I want to move? Other than the summer heat, other than the complete lack of community, there is something about Las Vegas that is missing something for me.

This place is not a happy place. There is so much chaotic energy here. There is no soul or spirit. There is ambition, greed, non-stop hunger… need. All of which I have feasted on myself, but I think I am at an age where I want some peace of mind and contentment. I can have a j.o.b. and that kind of security as long as I live here, but I want community and I want to feel something more than that I am.

Donald Trump says the “people never change”… it’s a synical if not dark hearted point of view although not terribly inaccurate. I have changed a lot over time, but I haven’t. I think back to my freind Maureen in Boston who just looked at me one day and told me what she thought. Like most people I get close to, I eventually grated her nerves completely raw. She is right. Kenny is right. Keith is right. Terry is right. I am not always a good person.

I am spoiled, selfish, extremely demanding, self-centered, and sometimes callus. I am sensative, empathetic (sometimes too much), and emotional. I am insecure, occasionally and unintentionally brutish, confident beyond all others that I can do ANYTHING I set my mind too. But then, I am sometimes lathargic, lazy, put things off, self-loathing, and self-deprecating.

That’s me in a nutshell. I wish all those people who know me, knew me, loved me, hated me, grew tired of me, could read this and respond. I miss Maureen, I miss Brian. I miss Rick… all of whom I left in Boston.

As for Adolfo, he has managed to love me no matter what I do. It’s this kind of value that really keeps me with him… to his own demise or mine I am uncertain. Our relationship has become lost a little over the last couple years, but the best thing about it is how much we have become a unit. There are times when I really drive him right off the edge, but that is pretty much the same in any relationship. Right?

As you can see I am growing very reflective. I think about the people who have touched my life and the consistant elements between them. I think Adolfo and John B (from Long Beach days) are simular in a lot of ways. I think John would have stayed with me a long time had I not cheated on him with a guy I thought I fell in love with. John was devoted, wonderful, and in many ways as generous and warm hearted as Adolfo can be.

Brian (from Boston) would have most certainly left me behind. I thought he loved me and I thought I loved him. Well, I still love him but not in the same way. Anyway, my point is that I am certain he would have left me had I not left him. Our relationship was out of balance and he deserved better; I guess he found that.

The things a person thinks about sometimes!?!?!?!?! I have been thinking about all these people from thepast and present. I try and focus on the ways they touched me inside; good, bad or other. As much as some relationships went bad or got lost there were some great lessons in them.

One of the most important people in my life was ToplessEd (in Long Beach). As a freind. He was/is the best freind I have ever had. He still lived in Long Beach. We connect periodically. But, I wish to God he was around so we could hag out and dish. I miss my Canadian Mikey.

When I was at Starbucks before work today I had a flashback to when I first met Mikey right there. It was the same Starbucks. I met with Mikey and Chuckles and started some freinships that could have conceivably … could have… been the anchor that made life in Las Vegas a good thing. But, it all went to shit.

Things go to shit sometimes in such a bad way. Just like I recently wrote about with K and B at the birthday thing. It all started with me being a shit and the shit rolled down hill and got bigger and bigger!!!! Chuckles and I had a big falling out. I remember my nurse Kate in Boston who might have needed a better friend than I was and it went to hell. Last year when I got pissed at Keith for being a yutz, it did not have to go as far as it did. When Rick in Boston got sick of my bitchiness and bonded with Brian. When Maureen got upset with me… she was a good freind because she never gave up on me. Or, so I recall. That is the kind of freind I would like to be and attract. Allan is sorta like that, but we live too far apart to have the kind of freindship we might both enjoy. Of course, I got full of myself last year at him and pissed all over him, too.

I suck. I should just put a fucking gun to my head and blow my own fucking head off. I have been such a jerk sometimes. ON THE OTHER HAND… I am a demanding guy. I want good things and good people. For every shitty thing I did there was some sense of something inside myself I needed to satisfy whether is was self pitty or self doubt.

I would never ever ever want to burn a bridge with a person I called a freind. If I call a person a freind it is because I trust them … TRUST THEM with my soul, my belief in goodness, my faith. The men I have loved have been given that same level of trust… well, most of them.

………… See, now I feel kinda spent haveing spewed out a lot of this crap. Every word is true. Everything has been on my mind a while. It grows and grows and grows until I can let it come out… through a fucking blog.

There are names all over this journal and some have been unfortunately left out. Yet, no one is forgotton. Gary, I don’t think you neccessarily see me in the real context but the voice in this stupid diary. Allthough we talked on the phone a couple times, your wrds when they come back to me always make me feel good.

Terry, my words about Ed are almost identical about you. I miss you so much, but when I meet Kathy and your son I see such a lovely family. I am a little envious.

I do not know why, but Maureen has been in my thoughts a lot too. The whole thing about my life in Boston has made me a little homesick for the area.

Keith, whereever you are be safe and make your own blog so you can stay in touch!!!!!!! He called me from Munich a couple weeks ago… the bastard.

I guess this is long enough now. Please please please let know with the comments or through e-mail. Please feel free to enter your comments!!!!!!

It has been a busy night, especially for a Sunday, here at the lovely Venetian Hotel and Casino. Usually it is a little more subdued. Anyway, I have not been thinking about much in the form of my usual issues, hangups, or indiscressions!

What concerns me now is the next 6 months. A while back I told everyone I needed to put my head more squarely in the present and stopp focusing on the future so much. It’s just that I want to do a few things to possibly make life more interesting.

So, I am thinking about mu options. Where should I live? Where should I move on to? Although Seattle WAS a very attractive option, so was Astoria, I am thinking more of Chicago, Providence, or Boston!!!!

Boston is a stretch because I also think that it might be a little too much to go there. Too much money, too much history, too much just to live.

Chicago has the advantage of having a lot of family close by. It is also near Canada. But, my exBF Brian is living there and I am not certain if that is a plus or a minus. He’s moved on with his life anyway and seems happy… moving on…

Providence offers some interesting options because it is a growing city in itself. It’s also part of New England and the NE is just a nice place to live.

Well well well what will I do?????

I bought a new jacket last night that I fell in love with when I saw it. I should NOT have bought it, but I did. It was at the Ken Cole store and was made from wool with leather accents on the lapels and pockets (black leather). It is a 3/4 p-coat; looks very elegant and sophisticated. I’ll have a picture taken as soon as I can.

On other news, I have been trying to get back on a running program over the last couple weeks and it is gradually getting better. Maybe you can imagine how hard it is to pick up again after getting so damn lazy. The twist is to run shortly after I drag my ass out of bed. Before eating. Before anything else (except the essential #1 and/or #2). I need new music on my MP3 though!!!!

I want a new Mp3 already! I’ve had this one less than a year and it is already got a broken display… blank screen. I cannot see the display, not that it is important, but it just looks poopie. I do want one of those cellphone/mp3 devices!!!! How cool is that?

You can see my Wish List!

I just got to work a little while ago and all is quiet. I am currently working in the IT department of the Venetian Hotel and Casino. I used to be a Pastry Cook here a couple months ago and I enjoyed that work a lot. I was constantly under the gun, while here the gun seems to be over me!

Anyway, today I ran into B from Kenny and Brian as mentioned in a recent entry and he was perfectly cool with me. He was not upset, though I would not blame him if he was. His BF is just as tempered as I am and he understands… so I can say there is more than one me out there. I am not nearly as unique as I would consider myself to be. hmph!

No other news except I am dying to buy a new laptop. My old one died a miserable death a couple years ago and I want another one, BUT this time I want to get an Apple. Yeah, baby. WINDOWS SUCKS.

Ans that’s how it is!

I was interrupted on yesterday’s posting. Not that I had that much more to do???? Anyway, I am off the next couple days, but am finishing up my shift tonight with a guy I really do not care for. I just want this night over with.

Anyway, I have been using my brain here and there trying to see the future. Usually I am better than this, but ever since coming to LV I have never been very in-tune with the spiritual side of me. In fact, I have been more removed in the last few years than ever before… in my whole life.

Cause and affect? Because I have been spiritually depraved* I am what I am and where I am in life? But, I am making more money than ever right now? Money isn;t everything, but I was raised and lived a life of ceretain excesses and dammit-Mary I want them and I want a comfortable life.

I always saw my future as being affluent. I am 40 not and feel like I am often seeing the shadowy side of the hill.. which makes me wonder if oppurtunity has drove by. Driven by, backed up, then ran my ass down in the street.

I called my buddy Ed the Topless Diva extraordinaire for his birthday, which is supposed to be 10/4 instead of 10/1 like I thought it was. I miss him so much.

Since living here I have burned through some local freindships very quickly. As transient as people are here their lives seem to be just as quickly-lived and burned out. I admit, I have a different attitude as well. I feel that if there is drama related to it I do not really want to be involved or hear about it. Which means, basically, unless you are a real freind to me I cannot invest in your issues because I have PLENTY of my own.

Why do I bring this up? Well, I had a big fall-out with two frinds here. The couple are guys we have known for like two years now. Without injecting anything that could be misunderstood (in the event this is read by one of them) I feell they are at times a little abrasive. I’m no angel, but I can be a ROYAL BITCH myself. It was B’s birthday and I feel bad this exploded during his celebration. I do not think K will aquies (sp?) so it makes me wonder how to be freinds again. I know if I wait too long the bonds will simply wither.

That or it was just meant to be … I got the sense K was venting a lot of thoughts he had been keeping to himself. Yes, I am a spoiled bi-otch. Yes, I have certain expectations out of places, people, events I attend blah blah blah.

I got dressed up for B’s birthday and we were heading to Ceasar’s to what I thought was a new restaurant at the new Augustus Tower. Turns out it was an older place in the original Ceasar’s Hotel. The place looked fancy-ish but I quickly started see that this place was nothing much more than a fancy Denny’s. It was called Fargo or something like that. The food was decent enough. The service was really bad.

I had a very good lobster there, but I also had a number of drinks. I was feeling pretty relaxed.

Anyway, they wanted to go to this bar I hate here called Goodtimes (TOILET X10). I was all set to buy everyone in our party a drink and was going to set up a tab when they told me they do not do tabs. Ugh… well, I k-vetched and subsequently alienated the bartender who got really snotty. Then K laid into me and that was it… I walked out. Walked home. And Adolfo and I did not talk for 3 days. Ugh… he was upset at me.

Nothing else I can do I guess. So, that is this my plight over the last few days. I think this entry is getting long. Boring. Oh well… Cheers!

*yes, I know it is spelled wrong.

The last week has been a lot of stress once again. No, no that twenty-something angst of the Real World. No, not the 30 something Friends farewell special. But a 40 something desperate house-homo like me trying to bang through life without actually shooting myself in the head.

Last week I became fixated on the idea that I was going to be fired from work. I was absolutely sure of it and there were a lot of signs pointing to that enevitable fact. Fact was I was not fired… even though I was forcing myself to seeing the “good side” of getting fired.

I had a dream one night, clear as a bell, that I walking in this office* that was huge, beautiful, and made out of glass and shaped like a giant dome with ornate metal webiing holding each pane of glass. I walked up to the desk where a man in a suit with mutton-chops and bola hat handed me an envelope with my address on it. It was written ornately and with one of those old ink-well pens. He said: “This is nothing personal, but we will no longer be needing your services.”

What the hell was that? I can see the whole dream clear as a bell, still. Then the next day I was scheduled to come in at 4pm to work the following day’s swing shift. But, my supervisor called me and said I was to come in at 9. So, well, why not fire me at the beginning of the day????? Seems pretty cut and dry?

You see, days before I had a falling out with a coworker and made someone else pissed off, blah blah blah, I thought I was finally at my end.

I was just feeling okay with it when hell, it turns out my boss gave HER notice! Oh crap.

Anyway, so I am considering doing my time here and moving on. I will work, earn some good money for a while, then eventually hit the road. I will play Cheryl Crow’s “Leaving Las Vegas” really loud as I drive out of town. This is it for me. This is the end. I am done and done.

The question remains… where next? What next?

On othe news…. I have been fighting with Adolfo for about a week now. I think we are facing a new juncture in our relationship. Growing pains as it were. Nothing too dramatic???? I dunno what the future holds, but I think we’re both strong enough no matter what happens. He does really well here in LV and I cannot imagine what he will ultimately do. He is excellent with fashion and clothing. He is so good at his job.

Today is my Friday…. I get to have the next couple of days off work. You know when there are certain things you need to do and you keep putting them off… then it turns out you are fucked in a bad way…. that’s me.

No, nothing dramatic. Just things that will make me happier. I got to finish my business plan. I need to lose 30+ pounds. Simple stuff like that… ugh.

———————-

Basically I have no real substance to offer in the way of an entry tonight. I am at work again, watching to 10pm to roll around. I will go running after work and I will sleep in late tomorrow thus eating up half of my day. I will pay bills tommorrow and figure out how I will pay my new Macy’s card along with all the other credit I seem to be consuming.

Ugh… what can I say?

Anyway, I am waiting to hear from Allan about his hurrican evacuation. So far he told me they packed as much crap in their car as they could and same back the next day (after hurricane) and it took forever to put thier household back together.

For the life of me I do not know why Allan does not have his own blog. He should!

Last night after work I ended up at a club called Krave here in Las Vegas. It is a high end queer club and this one was featuring cast members from the Zumanity show. It is a show filled with pure, disgusting, sexually depraved fun with drag queens, leather bitches, and all the fun stuff you want to tell your uptight mother about and do not.

Annnnnnnnyway, there were a lot of migit sized party twinks bopping around and some tired dinosaurs that should have hung up that cocktail gown a long time ago. It is the “high-end” club on the strip… the one boys become escorts to go to. Ha ha ha… I have not been to a club in soooooooooo long, Mary, but I had a good time.

No, I did not take Adolfo. Maybe that is why I had fun… JUST KIDDING. I do want to take him… wouldn’t you know as soon as I suggested it he pooped all over the idea. Bitch!!!

I still want to take him. I think he will like it. It has the best go go boys as any of the bars I have seen in this fucked up city.

Speaking of fucked-up… I don’t know it just seemed like the next natural line to begin typing.

….. that job with the famous-persona I talked about previously is in the air. Can’t say what, who, or where as of yet but am working on it. I was all hope-filled and the wife of person-X called me to say it’s all up up up up there because of famous-person-B.

You should see the menu I created for their lunch. I would like to make a roasted pork loin with a carmelized crust on it. I will put a braised Spinach with it and some other delicious thingies. These people are Atkins-people so I have to be thoughtful about WHAT goes into their food.

Nothing else to report for now…. except that the book I have been reading by the sexy and one and only Steven Saylor “A Gladiator Only Dies Twice” is awsome as usual! Read Steven’s books… he is adorable!

I di dnot have much time last night to make an entry. I finally felt like I could at the end of my workshift, but ran out of time.

I ran again last night and I was awful. 3 mile run and I felt like Baby Hewey with a full diaper. Ugh…. I can run on a treadmill easily enough the same distance, but this is harder. I thought it would be a breeze, but now… Aparently the gym has not been enough for me. I cannot focus and I am not getting the steam I need.

When I lived ib Boston I found someone who would workout with me and run… it was a cool arrangement… then we ran races together. It was a good thing, as Martha says, and I miss having someone to exercie with.

My weight has been about 235 up to 240 in recent months. I looked in the mirror and saw the direction my body was going in… BARF. So, I have to be really determined over the next 6 months to turn it all around. It is not fair for me to blame Adolfo for it, because the barriers are ones that I create with his name on them.

Granted, he says he likes me for me and all that crap. I do not accept me for me… that is all I know. I know I an always be better, but how to be better is going to be new to me. Anyway, I am toddling off for ne. Maybe we’ll talk later?

Went running last night after work and it was tougher than I expected. I run very well on the tredmill in the gym, but outside in real time it is harder. What happen????? Anyway, it’s time for me to start heading home. Goodnight, ya’ll