This week someone says to me: You do not look or act your age. In more ways than not I can look into that and see a compliment. I feel like a kid sometimes, but other times I feel like a tired old man.

I already ranted endlessly over my weight issues. But, I am certain that has something to do with it as well. The way I feel is also dependent on how I have worked out, if I have worked out, and how much sleep have I gotten.

Although I am carrying 40 new pounds on my body I often feel like a skinny person… lord knows I forget that when I shop for clothes sometimes because I am looking at some of these styles and realize how deluded I am.

If I looked 25% as good as some of these mannequins do in those clothes I would be seriously rockin’… some of these places know how to sell to us; the eternally deluded.

My concern about this label of “immaturity” … I feel like it is a problem on occasion from myself looking in. I have already written about acting very spoiled and bitchy on occasion. At work at my JOB (dirty word) I feel frustrated with people on occasion and that immaturity comes out.

I can be very focused, but I have not been for a while now. I wonder what I have traded in for what I want and where I am going? Adolfo deserves a lot of good credit for taking care of me and keeping my feet on the ground, but I think it is in my nature to be more impulsive and flighty (flaky, whatever) though more reliable in my work.

Interesting that this diary entry has inspired me to consider some changes soon. I will start changing my world in February… keep posted.

I analyze myself too much… so I will stop at this point.

Notice the configuration change? Well, I am working on updating the site and trying to deal with an issue on this page. How do I get my background image set???? I am trying to alter the code using CCS profided by Blogger and… argh. It is not working.

Anyway… more to come.

All I am doing with the new web design is adding finishing touches now. All the art is in. Most of the configurations are made. I will have to try and make the diary page fit where it is supposed to fit and then… wha-LAH! After Thanksgiving sometime it will be up and running.

I will naturally be sending out an announcement when it is finally released and all will rejoice!

Terry loves my e-mail blasts…

Speaking of whom, I have not heard from the big-man and the lovely misses (aka Kathy) in a while. My friend… we are soon approaching our 25th anniversary since graduating Queer Hill High School… can you imagine it? That would mean I have know Terry for almost 29 years??? I think we met and started hanging out in our Sophomore year?

Everyone thought Terry was homo because we were friends… if he was homo I never caught him!!! He was always cool with homos though, though it is true he was so comfortable with his own sexual identity, that I don’t think he ever noticed or cared what other people did too much as long as nobody got hurt…. no wonder he is a sheriff and a boy scout leader today. He was always a good man and he makes a good dad!

I remember Trish Kamminga from high school, too. Terry is #1, Trish is definitely #2 in good memories… she was the greatest chick in the world. She hooked me up with her EXTREMELY sexy brother whom I became close friends with. She was the head cheerleader, miss personality extreme, and a genuinely warm girl. She had the hottest BF in high school, too, John Meade! I can remember all their names and faces like it was yesterday.

Terry and I had a buddy in high school named David Tilley who went insane. Well, you could say he became intensely stupid. He ended up dropping out of high school (lot’s of sordid details) and that was a mess. I still remember him… but he had troubles.

While meandering along memory lane let us not forget James Valentine DuPratt (rip) who was one of the best teachers in the world. He taught Englsih and Advanced English courses at the high school. When he died my dad sent me the newspaper article and he will live forever in my memory!

Alma Mader …. imagine having this name in the end of the seventies. My Social Studies teacher was this surely woman with a tight bun and cat-eye glasses who affectionately became Darth Mader. BUT!!!! She taught me how to outline and that crazy daffy woman’s teaching stuck with me even to today.

There were other extremely memorable teachers like Stefanie Dashiff, my German teacher, who provided a lot of support for her students. And others.

My school was in the middle of the desert back in the day… it was new and a good looking campus, but the whole Antelope Valley has changed since I grew up in Lancaster, California. I drove through it a couple of times and just looked at some of the old familiar places that have since vanished into history.

There used to be a busy aircraft plant there but when it closed the world forgot it for a while. Lancaster was famous for the Space Shuttle for 10 minutes and then it got very quiet. It only became pooopular again when the yuppies from L.A. started running out of places to build cheap homes and they started commuting.

This was your history lesson for the day. There will be a multiple choice exam after your juice break… sharpen your #2 pencils and be ready in 15 minutes.

I got an e-mail from Allan today about my FAT Rant… he has a weight problem himself and was there with words of encouragment. Isn’t that precious. Well, he has used that as an excuse not to come visit in 2 years… plus all of his other issues. Oh what a long list we weave… tangled web or sewn somethings… ha ha ha. (Allan just called me an “bloody” asshole somewhere)

The plan after work today is to see Harry Potter! There is hardly a really good theater to go to anymore… so much white-trash and ghetto scum that hang out anymore. The benefit of going to a newly released movie is that most people will not put up with people being asses.

Next 12 year old girl I see in the theater I am tazzzzzing her if she sits anywhere near me! Why is it girls and old black men think they can talk through a movie? Are they missing something????

Anyway, I have had a sucky day so far and I hope tonight proves to be somewhat relaxing. I come in late tomorrow so at least I can relax tonight. XOXOXOX

Here is a little preview of the site coming after Thanksgiving. Upon the release it will have pictures from my Thanksgiving Dinner!

Like the ALL NEW ART!?!?!?! Plus some exciting and fun features. This is gunna be way cool.

My Thanksgiving menu is also formed and when I showed it off at work, one of my co-workers wanted the same dinner and offered to buy. I might be making two dinners this holiday….

Interesting in joining us for dinner…? Dear freinds are always welcome. I am hoping this will be one of the best holidays ever. I wish my parents could have been here.

I am fat. Okay… so as overweight as I feel I am, as much as I know I have gained and need to loose, it’s funny that a lot of people still look at me as an attractive person. I am starting to lose my hair, too. Oh my HELL…. my life is spiraling downhill. BUT NOT REALLY!!!!

Imagine that ugly people manage to find lovers, get married, and get laid once in a while themselves. Twinks and teenagers can’t imagine that ugly people can get love too. Ugly people can be happy. The funniest thing is when two ugly people make a baby it can be gorgeous …or hideous.

I saw some pictures of when I lived in Boston.. I was fierce looking back them. I am so not ugly now, but this weight totally bothers me. I sometimes see people that are extremely attractive, BUT they are carrying just enough weight that it detracts from their looks… that’s me.

Since leaving Boston I gained 40#s!!!!!! I can hardly imagine… because I have not weighed this much since I was in high school. Between my junior year and senior year I lost a good amount of weight. I further enhanced my body with weight training and regular exercise to become quite good looking; I even almost became a model (scary story).

Well, as you can imagine, being a Chef and having a relationship are two factors that have been roadblocks in trying to lose weight. Adolfo has moderately encouraged me to get more fit, but he has been more of an obstacle than anything. I have not exactly been Plymouth Rock about my convictions, too.

Slowly… surely… I am on yet another scheme to begin my decent on weight. For the last week I have substituted 2 meals of my day to protein shakes that are low in calories and high in protein. Some carbs, virtually no fat, and pretty healthy over all. Like this morning.. I had orange juice and carrot juice in the blender … then I added 2 scoops of powder … done til 1… where I ate a Cliff bar (High fiber)… and had a normal lunch about 2pm (salad and chicken fingers).

This is my early night, so I get to go home soon. I am off at 6 and Adolfo announced he is cooking dinner. This is totally wrong… I am not even close to being hungry.

Good news is that tomorrow we are planning on going to see Harry Potter! Daniel is such a cutie! Anyway… tah!

I have been meaning to post this picture… this is Tom in a Holloween costume I got for him and dressed him up one evening. He was MIZZZZZZERABLE and was hating it, but he gave in to me. See the misery in his face?

Anyway… nothing special happening tonight except: I got an e-mail from Gary today. He is always busy anymore. We hardly talk. AND… I heard from Rosa (see here in the new who’s-sho listing with the new 2006 web site).

Rosa is a dear gal-pal who lost her husband a little while back and has the awesome support from her family; sisters, mother, and kids. I hope to see her again soon.

My 2006 site is still coming along, but I noticed a very concerning flaw in my execution that I am glad I discovered in advance…. it all has to do with layout and frames… ugh. Now, I used to be excellent at design and had a lot of advanced skills. But, there have been more advancements in web then I have kept up with and not in the mood to pic up a whole new coding regiment.

Anyway, I have figured a way around it and will be on-time with delivery of the site. I think it will be way cool.

I built profiles for some of my peeps who I talk about a lot in the diary and encourage all of you/them to give me feedback. It’s totally basic with a pic and a name and a birth sign… blah blah blah.

Do you ever do searches on Google with various words that only may make sense to yourself? Image searches are what I mean. I did one today on “idiot” because I wanted to insert something funny and stupid on this entry because it’s just how I feel right now. Well… I saw a pic of a guy in a woman’s lacey thing with his dick in the exhast pipe of an SUV and he was smiling. Uhm… I couldn’t even do it. I was just … nauseated.

I look a pics of hot guys all the time with it because that is fun. For some reason I was compelled to put in “Persian Boys” and ended up looking at a series of picnic pictures of dorks at M.I.T. … Persian Student Association. At least one of them was hot anyway. I looked through them and amused myself (no that way) for 5 minutes.

I even looked up “Johnny Knoxville” because I found a pic from his new movie “Ringer” that was showing some dick. So, I figured there has to be naked pics of Knoxville out there and everything I saw was totally G/PG … bitches.

google is the coolest. No wonder those fuckers are so rich and all their people so fucking happy. I used “fuck” twice in the same sentence. I am a moron.

Also note that I have not heard from Gary in such a long time. I should e-mail him. Then again, I have not inserted much Drama in my diary that makes it sound like I am about the Thelma/Louise it into the Grand Canyon.

Poop

Last night when I left work I was in an absolute state of anger. I let some ass get up my nose and then I really got more and more frustrated with the drive home. This was one of thise nights that people should start drinking over. I was a mess until I got some food in my gut… then I started mellowing.

Yes, I am still dieting and wishing I could see instant results. I waiver a bit, but have maintained the course for the most part. Like right now… I wanted to eat something sweet and just eye-balled the vending machine in the hall. There are these new candy bars called “Take 5” and though the chocolate is Hershy-crap it does taste very good. It has a salty pretzel running through the center with caramel and… yum… anyway, I had a Cliff Bar instead. Yeah for me.

Anyway, so I get home last night and Adolfo’s mom has made Papusas. I ate 2 of them in spite of all the fat in them. Yummers!

So, I woke up late this morning and had coffee with Rosa. She only has a little because of her blood pressure or something like that. I figured I would be spending my pre-work day with her and went to shower. I come out of the shower and SHE is gone as well as all her stuff. Everything… not even a notion she was there.

I called Adolfo and then later his sister calls me telling how she rushed Rosa out. They had apparently gone to the Wynn where Adolfo works and had lunch or something… before heading back to Whittier. Ugh!

So, now I sit at work on another lovely Sunday evening waiting for 11 when I can escape. Cheers for now… xo

The new version of UrielsLantern will be going live in December! It’s coming together so naturally that it is amazing. I have some little details to hammer out… the biggest differences will be how some of the material is presented. Photo albums will be virtually the same. Why reinvent the wheel? Unless I can find a metter means of presenting them.

I would put all my pics on Flickr.Com, but you cannot customize the galleries over there. I would want it to fit into the general feeling of the site! It’s nice when you can use an awesome tool like Flickr and make it seemless as well as cross-promote it.

…… Rosa arrived last night, but as it turns out she is only staying through tommorrow. We went through a lot of my cooking magazines and I showed here a lot of the stuff I have been saving. It is amazing how well her and I click. I noticed she has a very different personality than Adolfo. He is very picky when it comes to food and his mom is very open minded. I have made a lot of headway in broadening his tastes over time.

Well, Christmas is coming and we are already gearing up. Just over a month away and counting. For my fans, don’t forget me. My X-Mas List is at my 2nd Blog. I have been keeping my wish list updated and current. So fear not… most items are avaiable on the web and can be delivered by the fine folks at USPS or UPS.

Cheers!