The new job is going really well and I hope that it keeps going that way. I will do everything I can to keep it going that way. So, this is my new start and this is my new outlook. Given recent years of non-stop bad luck and consistent failure these recent blessings are really over due in some ways.
It’s not entitlement. It’s not about what I deserve. The universe never looks at things that way. If she dis it would be a cruel twist. If I did I would be crazier than I already am.
So the job is really great so far and it looks like it could going well if I keep my nose to the grindstone and focused on what I need to.
On the other hand I have a boyfriend who I have been with now for five months and we spend a lot of time together. As much as I have expressed my love for him he has not done so much in return… at least in words. Actions have been pretty telling and his actions have made me very happy.
He is a sweet guy who shows he cares on so many levels. He is attracted to me… ME! He thinks I am sexy… when so many people in my past have said just the opposite unless they wanted something.
But he and I have our demons and we say and do stupid things to fuck our own heads. I tell him ‘I love you’ and in return I got mocked. It was his defenses reacting… because nothing is ever good enough. I still love him and he sometimes says things that make me think I am wasting my time; but he and I are carved from the same block of wood. It’s uncanny the things we match on.
Not all those things are healthy. But we are two terribly flawed people who together are both better humans.
I feel so insecure about this and lately I have been asking myself if I am really in love with him. I think I am. I am afraid that I am so exposed that my own insecurities are like screaming voice in my head bringing the doubts like scattered ran clouds. It’s like an impending storm.
God give me the strength, wisdom and vision to find my way and the light at the end of the tunnel. Please grant me the light to retain my optimism and save me from myself.
Author Archive: scott.kay
Job v Burning Man
Starting the new job on Friday and I hope I will be able to put some time in. I am so anxious to start working and working hard. Between the Stages I have been doing, relishing, rejoicing in the hunger is growing.
(Staging is when you go in and work at a restaurant without pay as sort of a test run)
BUT… Burning Man provided me with a low income ticket for the event this year and I am floored because I was on the verge of believing there was no way I was going. Now I have this ticket and I got to see if it is something that CAN happen in spite of the shit some people are willing to give me over it.
Mom chewed me one this week on Mother’s Day when she found out I had a ticket. She just does not get it and I imagine she is saying the same thing to me. She does not get what Burning Man is to me. I am not going to put this job in jeopardy for it, but if I CAN go I am going to.
I want bf C to come with me. I told him it has been my dream to share this event with someone I loved. I would be in heaven to bring him there with me. I think he will love being out there and I think it will change him in some ways. For the better….
#FF
I am supposed to be starting my new job on Monday so I have a full weekend ahead of myself. Today I am going to hang at Delores Park and spend some time just enjoying the sun.
As far as being productive is concerned I am a bit stuck in the sand. I have enough things I could be doing but am so ‘blah‘ feeling is keeping me from doing much. Allergies and taking a Benedryl kill my frontal lobe.
I am so anxious to start this job on Monday. I did another interview this week and was offered the chance to stoge at another restaurant here in the city tomorrow. I am thinking about keeping that and just going through the process.
BUT… today is about going out of the house. I need to leave before too long and am hoping to get some nice color on my skin and just have some good company out there.
Basically I am scared and nervous that things won’t go in a good direction but I am optimistic as usual and excited.
Regarding “C”
My bf is “C”… I am not allowed to put his name anywhere anymore because he is not keen on anything on the web. I should be seeing him tonight… yay.
BLAH! – I can’t type. Benedryl sucking the life out of me… gunna sign off now.
Another Week Gone
New rule… don’t apply a title to these entries until it is actually written. Usually it never finishes the way it was intended to begin. Including but not limited to applying new rules – as such.
This has been a hard week and it does not seem to be getting any easier. The universe is handing me one challenge over another dealing with them is getting steeper. I know the minute I bitch too much about one angle of the equation there shall come another that will knock me over as well.
It’s hard to reeeeeallllly bitch too much because I know so many people in the world have it much worse off. Every day I walk through this city is testimony to that. This city is full of cycles and the pulling poles of all things in life never seemed so obvious anywhere else I ever lived. Maybe it is not even that? Maybe because of the unique spectrum of the universe… blah blah astrology, Aztecs, tarot, spooky-spooky …yeah.
My witchy people know what I mean.
San Francisco
This city is yin and yang, it is opposing forces repelled from each other with ferocity, on every level I can see. As many poor and homeless there are privileged. As many happy-go-lucky hippies there are the so-so-serious. As many happy there are sad.
I can’t wait to know what it is to be happy.
There is some blessing and in no order that include my mom, my dog Tom; whom I miss greatly. And my bf whom it seems we are connected on some beautiful levels.
Otherwise, I am experiencing a new level of tolerance for stress and distress. Facing a complete loss of income in the coming days I am desperate for a job and really want to get back to working. Even volunteering for stuff feels good.
I hate I am getting older. I hate that everything hurts. I hate that I look older. I feel like a 20 year old inside. My dick doesn’t always agree though. ha ha ha ha.
So – guess I am just ranting and should stop about now. Toodles.
Tuesday after
A night later and I am much closer to being healthy again. My formula for fighting any cold is a mass amount of Nyquil and Dayquil. I went to the market earlier today in a haze and performed several tasks where I felt I had to be very very careful.
Sober and Still Shaken
Not fully satisfied with discovering that I did not get the job I was vying for (once again) I am wondering what to do next. I wrote, in very frank terms, yesterday that I was quite upset by the whole thing.
Having broken through this cold and looking forward I am at a loss of what to do. I question about focusing on one career path of finding anything that will let me survive another day. It is inconceivable that I am still standing on the sidelines.
It’s time to take some of the static away. Well, that was actually about 6 months ago. There has been so much going on and at some point one just has to go full stop.
<< Pause || >>
What next?
It’s occurred to me that my life at Burning Man may well be finished. This year the organization did such a horrible job taking care of their own I might finally have been benched.
I worked hard, loved hard, tried hard to be an advocate but since I joined this world the quality of people I have met has increased, but the quality of people I have met has shifted.
So many signs have come up that seem to be telling me to conclude this chapter. It’s hard to believe. I went through my mid-life crisis and came out the other side very tattered.
What will happen next? I don’t know. I am still moving forward with my art project and my theme camp and see if any of it comes to reality. Burning Man was like a narcotic and I am in line for more. Dammit.
Monday Monday
It’s hard to put things into perspective sometimes when you think the end of the world is upon you. ‘There for the grace of God go I‘ is something I have often said. I see homeless, drug addicts, crack heads and worse out there who have it a hell of lot worse.
Today Sucked Balls!
And not in the good way. All the anticipations I had yesterday that I was going to get this new dream job went right into the toilet this morning with an email. I must have stared into space almost an hour before I snapped out of it and started wondering what I was going to do next.
Unless the universe has a surprise for me around the corner that job opportunity was possibly the last hope I had in this city of settling in. I was just starting to feel a lot more comfy here and now it’s all just a warm bucket of shit.
In perspective it could be worse and it does not help that I got hit with a super bad cold this morning that is fucking my head like a horny guinea pig. FUCK!
What Next?
I have no idea at this moment and if what normally happens: this might be the next series of events:
- if I stay the course something will come up and just barely sustain me and not allow me to get caught up on my debt or take care of the living things I needs to take care of; maybe
- if I give up and get rid of everything and take a minimal into storage and live out of a suit case I’ll be leaving myself with nothing once again and will have to start completely over… but from where?????
See, there are no clear answers. So, I guess in the end my father gets to be proved right and that I am absolutely worthless and should never have been born. I am a failure and a loser… that’s what my dad taught me.
It really sucks that his voice still is as loud as it is in my head and it fucking sucks how absolutely powerless I feel. I am always letting people down; including myself. If it was an option I would check-out right now. But, been on the other end of that too often and can’t do it.
I have no one to blame but me in the end and no one to keep me from falling. If I dropped off the earth… I can count the people on one hand that might even notice.
The Weekend End
The weekend is almost over and definitely a weird one. I was able to predict… really without knowing… that we were 4 days following a full moon because there was some crazy ass shit going on around this city. Now that was Thursday. Thus… my weekend began.
On Wednesday I had the absolutely best interview at a restaurant that could really be a new beginning for me. When I get this I will be screaming from the rooftops. I will finally be able to break away from all this technical work; web design and social networking shit. It is amazing how annoying and angst inducing all this is at the particular time.
I am putting a lot of weight on getting this job and the tension filling me is amazing; and not in a good way. I have no where to go after this. Nothing right now and knowing that is grinding salt into the would.
I can see myself in this job and when I worked IN THE JOB as part of my audition I felt like I belonged there. This is a huge leap forward for me. It makes up for all that time I lost fucking off with one thing or another.
Fucking off over Burning Man shit, moving from one hell-hole to another… just trying to move forward in life and all I do is end up spinning in my own shit.
IF I did nothing… would I be with Adolfo still living in a dead relationship? Who knows? I am with Chantha right now and I feel like we are uncommonly linked. So weird.
I can’t base my life on my love-life, but having a partner like this makes life worth living. There is something lighter about every day when you have someone looking back at you that you know you love and loves you back.
No, we have not used ‘those words’ with each other and he emphasized like a couple times and my bullshit screen knows what he means.
Bottom line… I have to know what is happening with this job. I need to know if I have a future in this city. If not… what then? I have nothing left.
The pic above was from the Cherry Blossom festival today. Actually went there with Mark yesterday and Chantha today! He got a better pic of the hot drummer and when he gets it to me I will post it.
I am just prattling a lot tonight…. sorry about that.
a dream last night
Soundtrack for this posting: play as you read
So, I woke up today feeling a little puzzled over something … I had a dream last night that I was producing a local burner event (done a few in the past) and was on site getting all the logistics in order… right. Getting people to where they needed to be and making sure the events/happenings went as they were supposed to. But, I was not really participating.
I dreamed I did all this work and all this effort.
In the dream:
I planned on sleeping in my home which was close by.
It was always dark and the few people I saw barely acknowledge I was there.
I was not unlike a ghost at the whole thing just drifting through it.
When I suddenly decided it was time to push myself into it I saw sunlight and was looking for a beer and planned on joining the action and then I woke up.
But… I do not think I knew exactly ‘what’ the action was. I was putting on a tunic, gold best and sandals. When I went looking for the 40 .oz beer there was a 2 liter bottle of diet coke in the fridge leaking. The fridge was inside a crappy tent where I was apparently setup for camping; similar setup to when I was at Burning Man last year (come to think of it).
Weird how it feels like a statement about where I am in the world right at this moment. I’ve been actively pushing through the game and all the while still feeling like I was not really playing.
Post dream:
I woke up wanting to take some kind of action… but as I heated up my coffee and toasted a bagel I realized I had no where to go. I am on a diving board and there is no sign of water in the pool… wtf????