Author Archive: scott.kay

it’s broken

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I have seen people walking around in this life and thought – he’s broken. You can see some people are stuck. Some people are still in the 70’s, 80’s or trapped in their own inability to latch on to life and move forward. Was it tragedy? Was it success in a certain time they glomed onto; like being really popular in the 70’s and are still trying to hold onto it. Or was it a tragedy that stopped them from growing?
Do you know what I mean or is it something only I see? I can say that honestly because in spite of some medications I take that kill my mental abilities I typically can really trust my senses. Seeing someone halted can’t be just a third-eye sort of thing.
Yesterday I was walking home from work and caught my reflection in a shop window and realized something… I am broken. The thought was like time slowed abruptly. It was like my mind cleared and a lot of the debris was shoved off the table. It was a shock.
Who am I? no… who was I am where am I now?
As I mentioned it was like a lot of debris was knocked off the table. The banquet table on my life was full of junk, rust, pack-rat stuff. It was as if the table was upset and some of the junk started falling off.
A lot of things started polling through my head as I wondered to myself… where and how have I become broken?
I said quite clearly earlier this year (I think) there is no more time for regrets [1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ] . I have carried too many for too long. Being upset about bad decisions of the past and letting go of them have not completely freed me in the present.
I have fallen down so many times and managed to get up. At times I have put the gun to my own head and pulled the trigger over and over. Following the links in the previous paragraph it becomes easy to map the stumbles and falls. I am also intensely aware of my failures and the memories of my father’s words… all pieces of junk on the table.

Broken

So, I am broken. I led a charmed life up to a certain point when Fate decided I had enough and was not giving back. My guardian angel (or whatever) seems to be sitting back and only jumping in on the serious shit.
I am broken. I have fallen and am struggling to get back up. I am swimming in the deep end with a diver’s weight belt on. The entry I made a couple weeks ago feeling like I was at the end of my rope is still on my mind.

Shifting

The plates under my feet slide apart when I look at this reflection in the glass while walking up the street. For hours after, I literally felt like my brain was a hard-drive rebooting. I really saw this reel of my life and saw something screaming at me I could hardly imagine being true. Maybe my burning man life was a fall-down moment for me. Certainly the partying that went a long with it. But, I am grasping what all this means still and will tell more in the future.

Based on my past entry

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Well, I had some ideas to write something that fettered out my thoughts once again, but this one will start based on my last entry.  CK and I have had a lot of little fights here and there, usually due to one form of personal insecurity or another. I think it happens when 2 people are in a may/december romance like we are.
I am 47 and CK is 31. Not a huge difference, but reality is he could be my son. If I were a Chinese guy. I have to remember that my anxiety and depression cannot always take control of my senses.
Last Friday night I really jumped down his throat and I was being really unfair. I am learning I need to pause and appreciate him. He loves me and I got to embrace it. I love him and he embraces it. We really have captured something special and I hope to see it continue to grow.
I do, I admit, hate aging like I am. Inside I am struggling to avoid being a grouchy old fart. I have that bit of extra chin fat that is driving me absolutely insane. I see it in every reflection around me. It drives me nuts.
Anyhoo.. I am just saying that I am okay and we are okay. CK won’t let me post anything about him online anywhere but I am waring him down.

Singel Again?

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Last night had another big fight with C. Not sure what it was about or where it was coming from. BUT, I felt a million miles away from his last night.
I have been thinking about our future again and not staying in the present. Even in the present I wonder why, after 5 months and with the intensity we have been going at, why he has not been able to tell me that he “loves” me.
Why do I want or need to know that this is in his heart when I suspect it is there already. But then again, temptations of the flesh have been on the rise with me and that desire for infidelity is usually a sign for me that things are not going so well sexually.
In fact, we have not had a meaningful sexual experience together in a while. I hate the idea that our relationship is dependent on sex… but if something is wrong in bed that always fucks things up doesn’t it?
There is his drinking which has been a demon in our relationship. My mom was an alcoholic and I might be a little sensitive on that subject. He does not handle his booze well. This is why I firmly believe pills are so much better! (snicker… sarcasm)
Well… anyone if anyone is paying attention. There I am. Venting. My moody whiny ass just venting. I think C and I are basically done… unless we talk and figure out if I am looking for the wrong things out of this.

Late night Babble

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I am so tired… getting ready for bed. Working hard every day and using every ounce of energy I have to produce and deliver some amazing pastry at work.
peach tatinI was told this afternoon about a party for 12 tomorrow who were having this event around a Moscato wine; sweet with a fiz. So they wanted Peach deserts… so I made a Peach Tatin (classic French) and a peach ice cream. I was able to bake the Tatin before leaving for work, but had to ask a co worker to put it away for me so I can check it in the morning.
Yes, I will get pics and will x-post over to www.RedCarte.com too. Yes, that is my cooking site.
So, I am getting really sleepy now because I have to be up by 5am. I’ve been screwing off on the internet all night again.
I was working with and goofing off on my Tumblr account. It’s linked in the side columns. Check it out if you like.. there are a lot of hot boy in the shots too. Meow!

Previous post

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I went on a rant in one of three posts I made today. Earlier a post about my father was supposed to be about the bike ride. The correlation is this. My father was a creep with porn, being naked with other people, and just general perviness my whole life.
Growing up I was exposed to all this. I think I am often fearful I was too much like him. I once talked to him and he said I was a lot like my mother.
Baggage aside… as far out of the way possible… I think that is where it all came from. Being naked is no big deal. But I can be a better man than he.

2012 WNBR

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I am 47 years old and have the soul of a juvenile. Most people use the word asshole, but I choose the other. If nothing, I am an idealist, optimist, deluded fool, and the sidekick of life.
So this summer has been amazing so far. No, this year has been pretty cool in general. 2011 went out with a lot of crap I swam through generated by a lot of bad choices and people in my life.

June 9th

I joined the World Naked Bike Ride and rode through the city of San Francisco naked for most of the day with between 50 and 100 people.

The Start of the Day

Above: When I arrived I found friends and got to hang for the day. I found 3 marks… yes they were all named Mark. In the pictures I found I am in almost all of them. I am eclipsed by other people…

Going down Lombard Street

Above: I am in fur and a red backpack at the far left of the screen. The guy next to me in the 1970’s man-thong has a video camera mounted on his head. Damn, my ass is white.

on the hill

Above: I am standing behind the hottie Thor looking guy. There were a lot of cameras out there and I expected to see more stuff posted, but it has been relatively quiet.
It was an incredibly fun day. Someone asked me if it was liberating being naked through the city and I just shrugged and said “no”, just a bicycle ride and I happen to be naked.
There was supposed to be a purpose for this. Somehow this was a protest over fossil fuel use… chanting on occasion “Less Gas, More Ass”.  It was a lot of fun… that’s all.

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baggage from father

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I often feel like my tires are spinning fast and I am getting no where. I have a place in this world somehow and at 47 years old I have not really found out what the fuck it is. If there is one thing I don’t want to be is anything like my father.
It’s my baggage and I grew up with a man who, somewhere around 1973 to 1974, forgot how to be a father. Granted he had his own successes and his own victories in life, but to me he is just the asshole who verbally abused me and kept telling me I was a worthless piece of shit.
Somewhere along the line I believed him. I still have no amounted to much in the scheme of things. All I have is my honor and commitment to being the best person I can be, but I am deeply flawed. Often it seems that fate is against me. I failed people I love.
But I still try being the best I can. I fail from time to time. And I still don;t want to be anything like my father.
 
p.s. – I don’t know where this came from, because I came here to post something else entirely.

Snap Shot

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I have not posted a video blog in a long while. The only reason is that I end up spending an ungodly amount of time rendering it then uploading it… (heavy sigh here).
The last couple of postings were a little weird… granted. I do have the satisfaction knowing that no one is really reading it anyway. If anyone other than my mother was I would be surprised since the monitoring software is not telling me much.
C and I have been in this crazy romance for a while. That weekend 2 weeks ago was a dark time and I went to the V.A. for help with it but I was turned away. It was insulting, but I know the V.A. as a whole is better than that.
I digress… this guy has been the light of my life in the past months and as we hit 5 months into this time we have been seeing each other it feels like we have been together much longer. He has not used the “L” word and while I have a few times I see in his eyes and his action that he really loves me too.
C has a funny set of standards he lives by and they are skewed by some strange mix of idealism and seeing himself more through others eyes than his own. I think it is his age/maturity but he is a good man. Together we are better people.

Life

I have been riding this roller coaster for a few years… probably more than I realize. Thing is a couple weeks ago I feel I got off the roller coaster and landed in the bumper cars and am bored of those already.
No, it’s not C and not the job. My focus has been on the job and doing the best I could there. I have found vipers in the house of the gods and find this trusting nature in danger. I have found self doubt and fear, but I have found success and joy.
These add up to the normal things that come with a new job, doing new things, but working hard to live up to a lofty standard I know I can still reach. I have added a new thing to the menu everyday and 98% of them I can be very proud of. Minor issues have arisen but I have survived them and will continue.
I have some coworkers that I can see already expect me to fail, but I have managed to beat them every day.

Today

Stability has never been my friend. But why is it all I want to wrap myself in this job and C and enjoy a quiet life for a while. On the other hand I still have cravings for going out and enjoying the party.
As much as I want to do all that with C he is starting to feel he is out growing it as well.
I do have a ticket for Burning Man again this year and would like to make this my last year at the big event before resigning myself to the Regionals going forward. This is/will be my trade off. Or… my new start.

Following my last rant…

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For all of you who read last night’s blog post I want to assure you I cleared the air on almost all the points made in it. Today was pretty good, but I took my fucking medication and it made me really dippy loopy.
Regarding C.. we had dinner together and dessert at home… oooh la la. It was such an amazing night… I went to his work and met him as he was getting off. After some walking around, he took me to dinner, and then we got to have some alone time.
He makes me smile inside and out… even when I cannot find the light switch he brings me a little ray of sunshine.
Yes, this is sounding a little bi-polar… I am not.
As for work, I had a busy and successful day. My coworker is a bit of a cranky pants and stress ball, but I am not letting her go up my nose. She seems to think she is in charge of pastry and is giving me gas.
I changed the pastry menu the last 3 days by adding my own stuff. Monday was a bomb… the cookie concept was good, but I put too much thought into it. I am sure I will try it again.  Yesterday I sent out chocolate thumbprints with a ganache I made. Today I sent out citrus, almond biscotti with a lemon glaze.
So, there is it. And my leg is swelling again and I have this bump that looks disgusting. I can’t do anything about it til this weekend. I may die in the meantime…. I am popping ES Tylenol and it is barely helping.
So there ya go… an update

Verbal Diahrea

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I feel like everything is falling apart around me and the things that I thought were making me happy are now things torturing me inside. This cannot be the right place… this cannot be the right state of mind… since I have been exploring this horrible anxiety and depression I have been saddled with it seems like things are hardly better for me.
The new job seems to be a good fit for me today, but I overheard someone inferring that I was not doing nearly as well as I thought I was. It pissed me off so much, but there is no one for me to vent to. I will not cause drama at work at all… will not. I can only put on a brave face and keep doing my best.
As for C… he left me this last weekend and went to visit friends out of the city. He left me alone and this was after a crappy fight we had Friday night. I was ready to walk away, but that was anger talking. It was not my heart… the wires between my heart and my brain finally reconnected and we talked it out on the phone. Seems we both have a temper and are both stubborn.
It’s been so many days since I have seen him and now my phone crapped out on me and I can’t seem to reach him through email to let him know and assure him I am not ignoring him. In fact, I am going to see if I can catch him on his way out of work and see if we can survive this hard time.
I posted this here before leaving because I wanted to channel the anxiety out of myself in some way… but ya gotta be careful what you put in the universe. The universe has been crapping all over me lately and I am at a loss what to do.
I took a long ass shower to think and it is the best place to just let thoughts flow. I hope to be venidcated because I am almost at the end of my rope. I am so tired of this life where I am constantly on the losing end of life; the but of fate’s joke.
Well, this is not helping. But… I am posting it anyway and heading out to see if my BF still loves me.