Monday Monday

It’s hard to put things into perspective sometimes when you think the end of the world is upon you. ‘There for the grace of God go I‘ is something I have often said. I see homeless, drug addicts, crack heads and worse out there who have it a hell of lot worse.

Today Sucked Balls!

And not in the good way. All the anticipations I had yesterday that I was going to get this new dream job went right into the toilet this morning with an email. I must have stared into space almost an hour before I snapped out of it and started wondering what I was going to do next.
Unless the universe has a surprise for me around the corner that job opportunity was possibly the last hope I had in this city of settling in. I was just starting to feel a lot more comfy here and now it’s all just a warm bucket of shit.
In perspective it could be worse and it does not help that I got hit with a super bad cold this morning that is fucking my head like a horny guinea pig. FUCK!
What Next?
I have no idea at this moment and if what normally happens: this might be the next series of events:

  • if I stay the course something will come up and just barely sustain me and not allow me to get caught up on my debt or take care of the living things I needs to take care of; maybe
  • if I give up and get rid of everything and take a minimal into storage and live out of a suit case I’ll be leaving myself with nothing once again and will have to start completely over… but from where?????

See, there are no clear answers. So, I guess in the end my father gets to be proved right and that I am absolutely worthless and should never have been born. I am a failure and a loser… that’s what my dad taught me.
It really sucks that his voice still is as loud as it is in my head and it fucking sucks how absolutely powerless I feel. I am always letting people down; including myself. If it was an option I would check-out right now. But, been on the other end of that too often and can’t do it.
I have no one to blame but me in the end and no one to keep me from falling. If I dropped off the earth… I can count the people on one hand that might even notice.

Posted in Drama - Pass please, nfm!* (not for mom), verbal diahrea, WTF and tagged , .

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