for anyone reading this parade of horsecrap that is my life, there are some updates on have been commenting on. Namely John – David – Mark…

JOHN: has been back hanging around from time to time. I suppose he had to explore this german douche he was kicking it with and see if they could make something of it. I just do not know I could erase people I care about so easily so I could explore a guy. “Bro’s before Ho’s” is still true in my mind, at lest until the Ho turns out to be someone that stays around. Right? I mean – if I dated someone and they became #1 it would have been after a long time of dating and trust.

DAVID: had a going away gathering last Saturday. We talked one day (previously noted) and cleared the air on stuff. So I think we are cool. As time passed, we got to be cooler and all. He’s off to explore more of his life and he seems happy about it. Glad for him. I think we might have been better freinds at some point but… who knows what the future holds. He is off to Canada and will be volunteering at the Olympics… his big dream. yey.

MARK: ugh, who cares. He is leaving for SFO next week.

So, whatever I feel about people who are my friends it is that anyone who is a friend… emphasis on the word so it sounds hard and solid… is that they are the earth moon and sun to me. I have people I consider really on this level, but almost all of them are not here in Las Vegas. I guess distance DOES make the heart grow fonder. One does not deserve this status, but we’ve been freinds a long ass time.

level 2 freinds are almost as important. I want someone I can count on and who knows they can count on me. In vegas, this is a foreign animal. BUT, odly enough, on some levels many burners are right here. My mom might think I have lost my mind with hanging out with this crowd, but most of these people are pretty bitchin.

level 3 is getting more vague. Basically I do not trust people readily. I have literally been screwed over by 95% of the people I have known in my life in one way or another. It tends to jade a person. I try my best to tunr off my expectations on people, but when you make it into level 1 or level 2 of freindship with me it’s precious. BUT, people still will screw you hard and not in a good way.

I’ve screwed up enough on my own to prove it. Yeah… yeah.

We drove out to the DECOMP site today and set the gps where we will be setting up. I am excited about getting out there and enjoying the event. I am also glad we are not doing this at the lake as usual.

Cam is taking the lead, but it is good seeing who is out there helping out. I went out with Melissa and PirateRon was with us. But other interested parties headed out as well. I know some of them were there just to take care of their own projects/installation on the playa surface. But I really enjoy most of them.

Decompression is 10/2-10/4 and there is information posted about it on LVBurners.com as well as other information on how to get on the mailing list of the meetup for the events.

Spaghetti dinner is at Cam and Melissa’s house again on 9/25. We are gathering pictures from Burning Man 2009 where Mikah will put them into a slide show. Bring your pics on a disc.

When I try to capture something profound in my own head, I see it like a movie. Like, I saw my life as a walk along a long forest trail. Sometimes there were breaks in the road, forks in the road, barriers and other things. Sometimes the road curved hard around a big tree and there were times when the path disappeared but was visible up ahead.

Somewhere along the way, I may have joined the wrong road or I may have skipped something I was supposed to experience. When the road vanishes it is debilitating. A strong person will find the road again and hopefully find the right one or find the right place.

So, I have hit a lot of broken road on my journey. I skipped ahead and fell way off course. Still not sure if I am walking in the right direction. ENDING THE METAPHORS at this point… but it is not surprising how so many people I know just do not get me and my view of the world. My parents are those people.

At least my mom is a hell of a lot closer than my dad is, but my dad might be surprised how much alike we are. I absolutely HATE that reality. I see how much I am like both of them. I do not want to be like him and I do not want the cloud my family has of dysfunction and remorse and anger to follow me. BUT it is me. Is that just being Irish Catholic?

Mom is horrified right now, because I know she reads this blog. I appreciate it and she will start commenting back I hope. She rocks.

So I uploaded a few more pics. This one amazed a lot of the veteran burners that were there becuase here was this house on wheels driving around the event. It was amazing to see. It had a steam engine and was called the Gothic House (or someting like that).

The pic above and below are related as you might consider it a before and after image. There is something romantic about the shot. I think Dave to both shots since my own pics were basically non-existant. I did a very poor job taking pictures. ha ha.

…hugs…

So, if you go scrolling back I have been doing more whining and kvetching about some of my recent relationships (not dating relationships but people I have friendships with). More directly, John – David – Mark. Well, the details of Mark are so far under the bridge it is completely lost now. Then John showed up here on Sunday and hung out. As he came through the door I told him he was a douche and why I thought so, but it was like talking to a wall. Then yesterday, I dropped by David’s house and asked him wtf???

Well, David had some valid issues with me. There were some misunderstandings and we cleared the air on some stuff – so who the F knows what will come of it all.

So, I am stuck in some new space. On one hand I really feel like I have no friends here; like a Tonto to my Lone-Rangernousness. I really enjoy my burners, but I feel like they are more family then anything else. I also have noticed that no matter how close I thought I was to some of them I am still outside of arms length.

One person – I thought we were becoming friends – only to find out only I felt that way. Which was a bummer.

I have began establishing my goals for the new year starting this month and I am already seeing results on all fronts. It feels good, because there is nothing to stop me from succeeding.

1. Lose 50#’s over the next 6 months
2. Get into a relationship with someone right
3. Find my career path

Simple stuff, Mary! At least I hope so while I figure out my next major step. I am getting some mixed messages from the universe and coldly Fate is not giving me a clear destiny. I hate living here. I have life here. I make money here and I have a good thing with the burners. I put all that on a scale and got nut’in’.

Going to bed now…

This is a good shot of BAM BAM’s art car with me on it getting ready for the Orange Party that was starting shortly after sunset. Funny how people will ask me about what Burning Man is all about and I cannot still explain it. Truth is Burning Man is personal and it is what you bring to it.

Mason Dave snapped this shot while I was shooting video on top of this tower. My video has not been published because some people have already made some awesome vid.

This video embodies my expereince – but they were a couple notches up! These little hotties had a good – ass – time and set it to some good – ass – music.

One of my favorite pics with me and the girls. This was some naked point of the day… ha ha ha; because I am naked and getting hugs!

And this is the Neighbors Dog art car Mel and Cam brought; it barks constantly. It’s the neighbors dog… get it????

And this was center camp where I spent much of my time and the place I found a sense of Zen I really needed.

It has been a tough week. Last week I spent 8 days in the fantasy land that is Burning Man where the world outside virtually ceased to exist. I did have to worry about rent, but there was no technology to rely on. Sep 2nd I took a bus from Burning Man to Gerlach, NV so I could find a cell tower… then call out and make arrangements for my rent. All is well…

On the other hand, given my propensity for whining, I guess I would be remiss to note how hard it is getting back into the flow of things. Tuesday I was a lump all frigging day. Wednesday, I got some steam and ran some appointments plus got in a yoga class! yey me!

Today am trying to do some more stuff and should be back in the swing of things tonight… I hope.

Basically, I wanted to make a note today expressing the conflict of the Burning Man life with the real world. I may have let too much energy go into that journey, but in the end I am counting the rewards received from that journey taken.

Last night I discovered a web site for Burners who are single and they bar poly people and swingers… I was stunned. It was a direct reversal of what many of the burners I got to know were telling me about this culture, so there is hope.

In the next year I am setting some goals for myself and making new plans. Whatever fate hands me I am going to start taking some of the reigns back and make this new year a personal achievement. Yes, I will be going back to Burning Man. Yes, I would invite you to join me. Make life what you want…

…no whining please.

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