I feel like the highs in the last years have been equal to the lows. This universe is a double edged knife I feel like I am dancing around it. As I sit here I look back through my day thinking about how little I have actually accomplished. In a few minutes Chantha will call me and I’ll smile and go to be missing him again.
He is sleeping at his house tonight, but we spent the whole weekend together. I also spent a lot of time thinking about all kinds of stuff. It was important because it was time away from the computer and out of any routine.
Fuck… this is a world I just can’t keep track with.
I am looking at the end of the $$ that has been coming in and I need to find some source of income. What do I do in days when there is no more.
My whole life is being dumped on its side and the only things I want to hold on to I can’t seem to do at the same time. I miss Tom the Dog so much. He’s with grandma right now and I know it is a place he is happy at…. but I know he misses me too.
I let the puppy down and I let my mom down. I let people and animals down all the time it seems. Meh, sounds like a bad Korean soap opera.
Bottom line it is hard and I have no one to blame but myself. Seems like the fuse is lit and the next two weeks is the length of the fuse.
Author Archive: scott.kay
12 Hours of Shame
There is a guy in Vegas that I know whom I will call Papaburner who once told me, via Facebook, that drama follows me. While I had to get over the initial appalled reaction… it seems to be unfortunately true. I know it’s true. I have this uncanny ability to bring an energy with me that is going to cause a shift in the universe.
Think I am imagining things? Nope. No. Uh-uh. Without a doubt, every person I come to know or become close to, every company, organization … if I become intimately involved with it some great (not great as in good necessarily) change will happen to shake the foundations of it.
har·bin·ger/ˈhärbənjər/
| Noun: |
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| Synonyms: |
herald – forerunner – precursor – messenger – portent
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So I borrowed a Google Search definition of a word that I have associated with myself. Harbinger of Change like some kind of figure from an episode of Supernatural.
Stories in the last 12 Hours
So, I ended up going to bed alone last night because Chantha went to a party his roommates were throwing. Chantha has a problem when it comes to alcohol and he simply does not know when to stop or how to stop. He promised me he would go 3 months without drinking just to prove he could and he has been drunk at least 3 times since.
Well, he ended up staying home last night and called me all fucked up about 1 a.m. at least to tell me he was okay.
I do love this guy and we each have our problems and have been very supportive of each other. It’s been 4 months plus now and I want to keep him. The drinking thing is something I think we need help with.
But that’s not all!!!!! Last night I woke up to piss about 5:30 or so and I hear my 20-something male roommate and 20-something wife of another roommate in the kitchen. male looks around corner nervously. While in toilet hear them go onto back porch sounding like there was some definite flirtations going on.
Just NOT my pace to interfere… right? Not my place to get people to have some sense not to fuck each other …but shit happens.
So by 6:30 20-something girl/wife is crawling into my MY bed telling me she screwed up. She’s all fucked up on some mix of tranquilizers and wine and I figured out much of everything when I head the front door slam as husband left abruptly.
Now, this is not the first time she came crawling into my bed drunk or fucked up or whatever. One night Chantha and I were sleeping and all of a sudden there she was crawling in on top of us.
Chantha is all like… I was naked under the covers …like it was a big deal.
Well, hubby is still out of the house and 20-something male roommate is in his room sleeping. There is a lot to the back-story that does not need to be aired ever, but none the less, in the land of the inappropriate I think we found the epicenter for the morning.
We had a family dinner planned for tonight where all of us and significant others were going to have dinner together, but me thinks that is in the toilet now. So much for that…
…so I have been thinking about my next step. Maybe this is part of that message that it is either time to leave or something???? Still not figuring out what the universe is trying to tell me. BUT, me thinks San Francisco is just too hard.
blah…blah…blah…
Well, if this goes like it has in my head right now… this is going to be one of those bitchy and whiny posts. I am stuck in sand and sinking. I drowning in my filth and am finding it harder and hard to breath with each day.
No work, no job, no faith, no reason, no ability to make it right. It makes swallowing that little jar of pills used to let me sleep at night that much more attractive. How do I get the point where I could finally just end it all.
It gets better for who? I have been sinking for 5 years. I feel so lost and unable to do the things I want to do… and now I feel like I can’t even do the things I need to do.
Pull myself out of these places by remembering or acknowledging that my problems are minor compared to everyone else.
I don’t have the right to wallow in my own fucked up feelings. I have feelings of abject failure; voice of my father nailing that coffin lid corner sealed. I failed my mom more times than I can count; there goes another nail. Failed my sister Lynn; coffin nail. Failed my sister Christine… well that was a broken nail. There must be 50 welll pounded nails I this coffin with each failure and regret I have managed to create in this life.
My hope is my creative output which is really quite good. I am talented. I write. I draw. I build cool shit. …and I love this guy named Chantha. But… I don’t know if I can sustain that and survive here in San Francisco.
So, what do I do now? Do I give in and leave and try and find somewhere I can survive? …okay something shiny in the corner… no one is reading this anyway. Fuck it. ….
When I win the Lottery
So what is hope? What is salvation? What is happiness? I can;t say I have known any of these things in such a very long time. There has been about a dozen times when someone read my palm, read my tarot cards or something and said I was going to have a great windfall in the not so distant future…
So there you go; I already won the lottery tonight and all you bitches should just go home home and fuck-off. I bought 5 tickets today and my mom bought 5 too. You can’t win if you don’t play… and I have leverage BECAUSE the universe said so!
I am visualizing it now.. I have the Secret… I see how it will all go down:
- All MY Bills & Debts Paid | Mom’s Mortgage | Dad’s Mortgage (yes, him too) | Hire a lawyer and an Accountant… not all necessarily in that order. I guess this is how I see the priorities.
- Review my finances and my ‘BIG PICTURE’ and then move on to the list of things…
- I see college funds for nephews, nieces and (choke) grand nephews and nieces…
- I see a car and a house in my future…
- I see a short vacation…
- I see me buying a restaurant somewhere and setting up shop until I drop fucking dead….
I would totally keep Chantha with me – I believe. He’s been an amazing boyfriend and I am glad he is in my life.
I would have to do something to make the world a better place somehow… homelessness is always something that really bugged the shit out of me. Can’t do anything for the fuck-holes that won’t help themselves or will spend the rest of their lives living off someone else.
I would have to make someone’s life better; or several someones. What can I do to make your road ahead a better chance of you being a success and be able to to the same for someone else??? NOT by handing you a wad of money… fuck that.
This is my promise… this is exactly what I always expected to do with my sudden wealth… I would make my life better and people that matter as well! Yes, I see it now… I got the secret.
On a more positive note…
The Fertile Desert from roy two thousand on Vimeo.
One of the best Burning Man videos I have seen…
Months Later: What?
Been weeks since I let go of some things and as much as I tried to keep a positive attitude over Burning Man’s ticket fuck up I am finding I just can’t. The Lottery was a big FUCK YOU to the general Burner population and a lot of people are saying so.
On top of that – the divide between the have and have-not’s within the Burning Man world of today has never been so apparent. Coming to San Francisco was like taking a bath in this world has finally given me a perspective that it’s time to let go.
It’s time to let go of trying to be a part of the machine and the hope of being welcomed in a culture that is a hop, skip and a jump from what real people do. When I see Larry celebrating the purchase of his 100,000 dollar car and this culture of delusion and hypocrisy it just stabs at my heart.
I believe in the nice idea of Burning Man but they have finally just lost it. I bet old hippies said that 5 years ago. And another group of hippies 5 years before that… and now they are growing to 70,000 tickets next year and it’s just a dead ship drifting in the ocean (makes sense in my head).
Angry, no. This is the new lallapalooza … Coachella 2.0 … can;t say I would be surprised to see a banner for Burning Man brand coffee in center camp soon.
Sigh
Diarrhea of the Mouth
It does not help to put a title in this blog before I start typing because invariably I go in a whole other direction. I am writing right now because I am thinking that the blogs have been a good outlet that I have neglected.
Every day goes by way too fast and I start working on something, look up and then realize most of the day has gone by. Too many projects. Too many balls in the air… no money coming in. I am so over it.
I want to work and I want to do great and wonderful things but I am stuck in a bottle with a cork in the top. I do not know how to break free … well, I think I know but can’t launch.
As some of you know I have severe anxiety and sometimes leaving the house is a challenge. Sometimes finally getting out of the house is a relief. I do manage to find open jobs and get applications out there but it’s like fishing in the Dead Sea.
My choices suck. I could fuck up anything. I wish I could just drop off the planet… I wish I could just fins something left in this life worth living for. I do find the occasional rainbow, but it’s hard when you keep falling into holes.
No, just venting. Got to be more honest on this blog and let go. No one really reads this and if they did no one really says anything about it. Better that way, but can’t say I would not mind knowing. And don;t fucking patronize me or hand me any fucking bullshit… so tired of people spoon feeding me fucking bullshit.
Every day goes by way too fast and I start working on something, look up and then realize most of the day has gone by. Too many projects. Too many balls in the air… no money coming in. I am so over it.
I want to work and I want to do great and wonderful things but I am stuck in a bottle with a cork in the top. I do not know how to break free … well, I think I know but can’t launch.
As some of you know I have severe anxiety and sometimes leaving the house is a challenge. Sometimes finally getting out of the house is a relief. I do manage to find open jobs and get applications out there but it’s like fishing in the Dead Sea.
My choices suck. I could fuck up anything. I wish I could just drop off the planet… I wish I could just fins something left in this life worth living for. I do find the occasional rainbow, but it’s hard when you keep falling into holes.
No, just venting. Got to be more honest on this blog and let go. No one really reads this and if they did no one really says anything about it. Better that way, but can’t say I would not mind knowing. And don;t fucking patronize me or hand me any fucking bullshit… so tired of people spoon feeding me fucking bullshit.
Frustrated with Bullshit
The month is coming to an end and with it the complete lack of faith that the universe and I are going to come to terms with my employment. I am clawing at air trying to find something to feel like I have a purpose.
As much involved with the Burning Man stuff as I have been in, I am seeing it all really as a meaningless ‘thing’ anymore. Somewhere what was something pretty cool got lost and became lollipalooza. There may not be a ‘Coca Cola’ logo on the road into Black Rock City but there might as well be.
At it’s core there is cancer. But the elite that it caters too, for the most part, cannot see the forest for the trees. The leaves of these trees are money and shiney golden tickets.
The ticket fiasco this year was just another coffin nail, but it’s not there for me to say or to pound it in.
I have had tremendous highs in this world and have experienced the lowest lows, but I sit here ready to walk away from all the work I have done in frustration. To see people like distant family members with all the cool toys and someone like me always looking in from the outside.
Some advice was to stay out of the BMHQ nest of vipers and it appears it is advice to be heard.
A New World
I have a ton of shit to do. Writing in my blogs is something I do not have time to do… but this makes two today. I just posted over in gay-burners.com as well tonight.
Bottom line… I cannot afford to live where I am living but I am gunna have to make it happen. The pluses outweigh the minuses and can lead to something very powerful I hope. Self empowering really.
Being on my own and away from certain people is a relief. Mark was just too much to deal with and this whole bi-polar thing was more than any human should have to deal with. Get medicated, bitch! Oh wait, he was and it was not enough. He was just mean.
Now, people are looking at me more often. I mean not only like I am attractive, but also making eye contact???
Well, this always happens when I am dating someone too. Maybe I look a lot less desperate or something??? I am told I look a little too eager at times. I dunno…no one was ever really good enough anyway.
I like it here. I feel good here. This is where I need to be right now. I was wondering about that when I was out of town last week.
vBlog: Back in San Francisco
Well, I am back in San Francisco and am treading water. I feel different being here again. I feel like I belong here right now… not sure how long that will last but I can still hold on to hope.