Dreams Last Night

More weird dreams last night. At least when I have dreams they turn out to be a long story. It is often very complicated and with a lot of detail. The key is to remember them once I have been in the waking world for every long.
rp_scan-150x150.jpgI do remember my ex named Adolfo being heavily involved with this one, seeming like we were still together. We lived in a house and the Tom dawg was there. I remember his sitting at a desk a lot looking through a photo album.
Now if I could remember who the women were that were in it and what their roles… I should have written this down earlier. They did seem like they were dressed in 50’s dresses and were women I knew.
We were moving things. Moving like moving into a home but we never left the big, specious home we were in.

More Crazy Dreams

I have been having some weird dreams again lately. Nothing too freaky, but Salvador Dali might appreciate the visual anyway.

Dream #1

rp_P1010006a-310x150.jpgThe night of my last post about my dog that passed, I dreamed about him. Well, my interpretation is that it was really about him. I dreamed I was unpacking some stuff from a year before and lost in a bundle of old clothes was my dog* severely dehydrated and near death.

*Note: the image was a small dog like a black poodle sweaty looking and matter with a gray tongue sticking out. This considering my Tom dog was a blonde German Sheppard. I did have a black poodle as a kid named “Cotton” who passed on at some point long long ago.

Now, I think my biological father (Jack) was with me in this dream when we found the dog who was trapped in the bundle of clothes for a year. We rushed to get the dog water. No one expected him to live a minute longer, but with the first sip of water he began showing signs of life.
Apparently he started getting healthier and at one point morphed into Charlize Theron in the same sexy dress she wore in the Chanel commercials and told me that she/he had been waiting for me to return. I think that was when I woke up, because it was bizarre.
The dog collar I mentioned in the previous post… well, I picked it up again yesterday before I left and considered taking it with me, but could not. I felt like it needed to stay. In some way I think my Tom-Dawg is still watching over my mom.

Dream #2

Well, this might be a few dreams running together from last night. They seemed to take place with me in prison.
In one part I remember being in a prison (I knew intellectually it was a prison in the dream) but it looked very industrial and sciFi. I was looking out and could see the sunset.


My Biological father and his wife

And finally, I remember being in an industrial style prison space like I mentioned and somehow being responsible for killing my biological father (Jack again). I was accused of killing him and in the course of the accusation I was wearing some kind of wrist band that held arrows in it and it misfired shooting arrows all around the room. I think I ended up shooting myself and causing some kind of flesh wound. So weird.
In a whole other part I remember being in the yard of a classic prison and seeing all kinds of things going on. People were plotting and committing small crimes, right out of Orange is the new Black, all around me. I saw someone being paid a half bottle of booze to kill someone. I saw a drug deal, I saw contraband being smuggled in. And in this case everything was in black and white.

Dogs: Past and Present

I love dogs. Well, good pets… cats have not been horrible. But dogs are the best. After my Tom-Dog passed on a year ago Mom & Bob got Maggie and she is a good girl. They have another dog named Sam who is 14 and still full of energy – relatively speaking.
Tom's CollarYesterday I was fixing the back seat in my moms car and Tom’s old collar fell into my hands and I was shocked. I just grasped it in both my hands and then naturally took a picture of it. Read about Tom here.
I miss having a puppy around. But I need to have a home and a life. I don’t have those things right now. It’s ahead of me. It’s part of my intention. I gave all that up 3.5 years ago for a new adventure and have been virtually lost since then.
Now, the only plus has been my bf and many of the people I have come to know in San Francisco. I need something more though and not sure where to find it.

mad world

Yep, I am back there again. Yep, really feeling like the world is slipping out from under my feet. As much as feel like I am struggling there is a conflict of reality basically telling me I am not good enough and a failure; it’s a familiar voice. I am drowning and I am a man of contingency, but dreams can not float on a vacuum.
P1010006aSo, the ghost of my biological father has been haunting me. Well, better to say my daddy-baggage. He is still alive and within the scope of these hard times I am feeling incredibly depressed. But then again, I have been over committing myself in the light of a heating up season for Burning Man.
Definitely it feels there has been a spirit hovering around me and I suspect at least one of them has been my Tom Dog. Not sure why he has been here, but I felt him really strong last night. Not that he is the only one buzzing around… I can’t seem to pinpoint who it might be though I have my suspicions.
yeah, I know it sounds crazy and I know it also sounds kind of stupid. All I can say is this is what I feel sometimes. My ghosty experiences in this city have been few and far apart.
Bottom line… I am seriously struggling and am just losing faith in myself. I hate my job situation. My career path is broken and overgrown with weeds. I need to change.
C Monster is the best thing I got right now.

…tinkering along…

scott2013Late into the night and getting ready for bed. How is it I am 48 years old, going on 49, and still trying to figure myself out. What sucks is, I can;t blame all my bullshit on a crap relationship with my father. Somewhere along the way I will find my groove.
Pee – Ess : Mom says she heard Tom in the house:

“Well, Tom Dawg has been gone a week now and has visited us twice in this time. The first time Bob heard him bark, Tom rarely barked before his surgery and never barked after his surgery. The second time I was trying to take a nap and the blinds to the patio doors kept rattling. No one else was in the room doors and windows were shut did not have heat or air going and Tom used to rattle the blinds all the time. Just wanted to share this, I have been thinking about these two incidents since they happened. I haven’t been able to put his beds or dishes away. We sure loved that Tom Dawg!”

Another Goodbye Note

Is writing in here more lately helpful at all? I should make a vBlog soon, I have not done that in a while either. I am not dealing with Tom’s death and I will not let that enter into my present.
IMG_20131012_113319_783Losing him has been a long process and it started a long while ago. He bonded with my mom and I had no idea how much until I went to visit not long ago. After he lost his eyes and while I was there it was as if he forgot me.
That was one amazing dog. He was the glue between my ex (Adolfo) and I. We felt like he was our kid, ya know. C never got to know him. He never got to appreciate him. I mourn his passing, but he was no longer mine.

no shortage of thought

Lately, I have had a lot of reasons to spend time thinking about the practical nature of my life rather than the spiritual and fluffy-fluffy shit. Reading my recent posts, someone might assume I am a complete nut-case.

My Spiritual Side

No matter what you think I have some core beliefs that are founded on personal experiences. I have, in this life, come across a lot of spiritual forces. I have faced and seen both: ultimate spiritual evil and 281213_4527665142509_920677221_nultimate spiritual good.
And I am not talking about any Jesusy bullshit religious crap. One can see the same things in human beings. But, in this case, I am talking about spiritual forces that may or may not have names.
As spiritual and touchy feely as a lot of people I know SAY they are I am discovering how many people really are talking out of their asses. Save your sage burning and incantations for the circus.
Why sounding so pissy on this issue? I am just tired of bullshit and people looking at me like I am nuts. I am also at the point where I realized my spiritual beliefs and other beliefs are not doing me any good at all.

My Default World Side

Well, the default world is the secular world. In the pure glimpse of the world around me I am disgusted with my life save one thing… C Monster. My bf and I are going on 2 years and he loves me in spite of me and I love him.


I lamented a while on how I failed my parents, dog-tom, and so many people I was close to in life. At what point does one start realizing that those failings are only as big as I make them out to be.
P1010006aToday may be Tom-Dog’s last day on earth and I lost him 2 years ago. Taking him to my mom’s to stay while I figured out of San Francisco is where I needed to be was the right thing to do. She lives in the country and is home a lot, and he is bonded to her and my step-dad.
All the medical expenses this year for Tom-Dog and my parents have been astounding, but I will start helping more as soon as I can.


I can tell you I see a handful of people as my friends. Why so many of them are so far away? Why is it easier to maintain friendships with people I see once or twice a year – if that? People right here are so far away, metaphorically speaking.
One thing C Monster and I talked about last night we seem to have in common is a sad thing: we have been tabbed in the back by a lot of people we brought into our lives as friends. Only people you love can hurt you so badly.
Same with relationships, as it were, considering we both have met or became familiar with ex’s.
Why is it so hard to have friends? I think there is something inside of myself that has grown that disavowed trust in others? Non-stop betrayal and a failure of meeting expectations is the answer; my expectations but I think mostly other people. We do not seem to accept people for their scabs and all, but like many people we lean on what we think people should be instead of honoring people for who they are.
I had a close friend though, which goes against the previously spoken theory, who I had to abandon in life because I did not like WHO he was and WHAT he did to others. Like others, I walked out on them because I believed in their life they were doing harm to others or me. Vampires are everywhere and if they are unhealthy then wtf; why are there so many of them????


Since this post started I received a call from my mom letting me know that Tom will survive the weekend and it appears he is doing better with stronger pain medication at the vet.
I also decided that all this guilt I feel about my family is not mine to carry. I can do my best to make things right with all of them but I have to make that happen when I can and hopefully soon.
In talking with C Monster I think we figured out this is a factor in our lives we have to  each grow from.  We have met some amazing people, but in some cases I am suspecting some sheep are really foxes. One person keeps smiling and offering friendship to us, but keeps bringing up sex with both of us; not good with that one.

Amazing is what amazing does

I saw this today in a stupid commercial… but it’s what is missing when a lot of people look at me and the things I do. “A lot of people” seem to exclude a lot of faeries and burners I know… but…
“Normal can never be AMAZING”
Burning Man 2012In spite of how much people have wanted me to I have always shed the normal path of life. Even with the good decisions and the bad ones I found myself staring fate right in the face.
I have lived my life dreaming. I also remember a childhood being told by a father how I would always be a failure. In the end, I traveled a big chunk of the world and I met movie stars, rock stars, know some of the finest DJ’s on the planet and have felt immense joy and immense anguish. Flown in jets, helicopters and felt such love. I fell down a lot. But I keep getting back up.
Tom the DogI can stand here facing an unknown future and still do a happy dance with amazing people. I worry about my mom and I feel like I failed her, my stepdad and my amazing Tom-Dog. I love them so much. My step dad has been more a dad than the biological one I once knew. I want to do more for her… I would do anything… but being average or normal was never my calling.
NOT A PITY PARTY… but I stand here shedding regrets while respecting the possibilities of the future. I have struggled to toss off the demons and while some are still clinging on hard and firm I have hope. I have this resilient and occasional fleeting sense of hope that keeps me alive.
Damn, too much time on ones hands is not good. I have a ton a ton of shit to do. As I told a friend last night… I got to clear out my negative baggage and move on.
I seek an amazing life. No time for the negative.Me in Bagkok

I am a horrible human

So, I have been made aware what a shitty human I seem to be. It’s been been pointed out by other people inside and outside of my head. Outside my head I have began realizing there are a lit of people I love dearly whom I have taken for granted. It seems to evolve around money more than anything else where I falter.

Me and Mom

Me and Mom

I do appreciate love and warmth from people and I think I show that well. Loyalty and honesty are huge for me.
Inside my head my conscience is a real screamer. I have let down a lot of people and somewhere I failed myself and my soul.
I let down all of my parents and some of my ex’s. My unreal idealism and expectations have sunk me right into a hole
Yeah… I am pretty down on myself and for good reasons. Too. Tomorrow… As you can see on the twitter feed .. My dog Tom is going in for surgery to have both eyes removed. He is blind with diseased eyes and is in a lot of pain. He is with my mom in the country which is a blessing on one hand, because I could never care for him. On the other hand unless I can shit money she is getting stuck with the bill.
Tom the Dog
I owe my mom so much… A lifetime of things and a lot of money along the way.
I love that dog more than almost anything or anyone. I failed them all. I let them down and myself, so you see how it all makes sense. Sigh…